I love to hear stories of how people first fell in love. Each one has a unique quality to it. For most, there was a minor moment that deeply changed the course of their history—a chance meeting, something that caught their eye, or an instant in which their heart skipped a beat. If they hadn’t fallen in love, these moments would be long forgotten, but because a love developed, the moment is long remembered.
For me it was a touch. Jenny and I went on our first date in college. Before we went out, I went through my normal class schedule, which that semester included a class on human sexuality. I only remember two specific aspects of the class:
I remember the second point only because it was said the week Jenny and I were supposed to go out. The professor was lecturing about something and, as an offhanded comment, simply mentioned the importance of touch. To illustrate how touch can communicate, she mentioned how research had shown that on a first date women often make the first touch if they are interested in the other person. It isn’t a conscious move, just a natural response to the closeness they are feeling. If that touch is reciprocated within a reasonable time frame, the relationship will move forward. If it is never offered or not reciprocated, the relationship will probably never develop.
I have no idea if this is true or not, but I do know that going into our first date I was waiting to see if Jenny would touch me. And she did.
After dinner as we were walking and talking, I said something playful and she gently hit my arm as she responded. To this day she said it meant nothing, but at the moment it meant everything to me. She touched me, which, according to the latest in human sexuality, meant she liked me, so I better touch her back. It took about five minutes, but I finally found my opportunity to gently make physical contact. And the rest is history.
Had we not gotten married, that touch would have meant very little. But because we did get married, I can still tell you exactly where we were the moment she touched my arm—in the toy aisle at Walmart in our college town.
We tend to think of love as a mystery, and the mystery of what makes us fall in love is fascinating. But staying in love is not mysterious. What makes marriage work is predictable, universal, and completely under our control.
People stay in love in very common ways:
Making the relationship a priority.
Being committed solely to one another.
Intentionally building their friendship with one another.
Continually growing as individuals and as a couple.
Assuming the best about one another and being worthy of receiving that assumption.
Being fair toward one another.
Understanding the power of little things, like saying “thank you” and “you’re welcome.”
Making an effort to know one another and continually growing in that knowledge.
Discussing any important issue, but always in the context of it being just one issue.
Choosing to act in love even when love isn’t felt.
It sounds much cooler to talk about the mysteries of love. We like the idea that love is unexplainable, because if we can’t explain it we can’t be expected to maintain it or grow it.
Yet love doesn’t work that way. It might begin as a mystery, but it continues in the mundane. What feels overwhelming is actually completely in our control as we choose whether or not we will live out our vows for a lifetime. The unconscious touch of a hand on a first date must become the very conscious touch of a hand in every day of marriage.
People stay in love in very predictable ways. This book is about those ways. What makes marriage work? What is my role as a husband? What does my wife need from me, and what do I need from her? What is the role of a spouse?
Before the Leaves
Marriage is not my invention. As unique as it felt when my wife and I fell in love, men and women had been experiencing the same emotions for centuries before us. When we said “I do,” we entered into an institution created long before we were born.
Culture and time clearly play a role in influencing the structure of marriage, but the foundational principles of what makes a marriage work are no different today than they have ever been. While each husband and wife must find their unique way of expressing the marriage covenant, the first step to a healthy marriage is discovering the original design of the relationship.
In Genesis 2, God created marriage. Before sin entered the world or humanity experienced shame, God created humans and designed us to need one another. From the Genesis 2 story, it is clear that man and woman are to play three distinct roles within their relationship.
Having created Adam, God declared it was not good for him to be alone. In order to show the perfection of the one he would create, God paraded every living creature before Adam and allowed him to name each one. Adam could see that while the creatures were good, none would make a good match for him. Something was missing.
When Eve was created, she was described as being a suitable fit for him. She could be something for Adam that nothing else could. By sharing his humanity, Eve could be a friend. She could give him a sense of companionship that no other creature could. While the other animals could be good company, the relationships between man and animal would always be subservient. Eve brought a unique equality to the relationship. Adam and Eve were different, yet the same. They had compatible strengths while sharing a common humanity. Theirs could be a friendship like no other.
Adam and Eve’s companionship was meaningful in and of itself, but it also served another purpose. They were given a task. They were not just placed in the garden to exist; they were called to be caretakers of the garden. They were to function as partners. They would work together using their God-given talents to steward what God had created. While the other animals would play a role in that task, theirs was a unique partnership, and their success was dependent on their ability to work together.
Genesis 2 ends with a beautiful description of God’s creation of humanity: “The man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed” (v. 25). This physical condition served as a window into their emotional and spiritual connection. There was no division between the two, no sense of shame, no break in their intimacy. Their differences were not hidden but were fully exposed and celebrated. This shows the third role that Adam and Eve were to play for one another: lovers.
When God created Eve, he gave Adam a friend, partner, and lover all wrapped up in one person. Each role was not played in isolation but instead complemented the others. Friendship brought trust and understanding. Partnership brought meaning and fulfillment. Being a lover brought intimacy and connection.
This was God’s design in creation. It was how things were before sin entered the world. This was marriage before the leaves. Yet when sin came, so did shame. Trust was lost. Working together became more difficult. Intimacy was shattered. As Adam and Eve adorned leaves in order to cover their shame, what had been created to be easy became difficult.
After the leaves, shame, blame, and insecurity were natural aspects of marriage. What was meant to come naturally now has to be discovered, learned, and fought for. Before sin, the first marriage needed no intention because Adam and Eve would function within their appropriate roles without thought. But after the leaves, everything changed.
We live after the leaves. In rare moments we can still sense the way marriage was supposed to be. We feel known, loved, connected, and adventurous, but those feelings quickly fade and give way to doubt, uncertainty, and fear.
Sin radically changed marriage, but it did not transform its basic design. It made marriage more difficult. It eliminated the guarantee of success. It ensured that even the best marriage would have moments of disappointment and seasons of struggle. But it did not change the roles we are supposed to play.
What changed was not the design but the effort it would take to live out the design. When sin entered the world, intention became a necessary prerequisite for a successful marriage. What would have happened naturally if sin were not present now requires great effort, struggle, the experience of failure, the need for forgiveness, the sharing of grace, and the strength to try and try again.
Just as Adam and Eve were created to be friends, partners, and lovers, so too every couple who commits to live their lives solely with one another needs to play the same roles. We have to be intentional about discovering and experiencing God’s design for marriage.
Three People You Married
I know I’m one person. I have one mind, one heart, one soul, and one body. But if you were to interview a good cross section of the people I interact with on a regular basis, you would likely get a variety of descriptions of me.
Some, having watched me on stage, would describe me as extremely extroverted, even while those who know me best would tell you I am an introvert. Some would say I’m cold and nearly emotionless, while others would say I’m a sap who has a difficult time not caving to people’s demands. Some would say I’m a strong leader with clear vision, while others would say I might be many things, but a leader is not one of them.
Ask a hundred people to describe me and you would likely get four or five major descriptions with a multitude of minor variances. I’m one person, but I’m many people—husband, father, son, brother, speaker, writer, friend, opponent, citizen. Whenever we marry someone, we are marrying one person, but they are also many people. They have a variety of roles to fill, and we only see them in a select number of those roles.
Yet even within the dynamics of marriage, a person is not one person. They are three. While they might be stronger in one area than another, all three are vital to creating a healthy marriage and being a good partner.
As a spouse, I must be three people.
Friend
At the foundation of any good marriage is deep friendship. By no means should a spouse be your only friend, but they should be your best friend. Over the course of a marriage, spouses will spend a tremendous amount of time together and should enjoy being in the presence of one another. Deep levels of trust, admiration, and respect should define every marriage.
Many marriages struggle because they begin as a friendship, but the couple does not continue to develop the friendship through the marriage. They assume it will happen naturally, not realizing a healthy relationship requires intention and effort. Others make a grand mistake when they do not see friendship as an important aspect of who to marry. Saying you wouldn’t want to ruin the friendship is ignorance of the true nature of marriage. Marry a friend and then work your whole life to build the friendship.
Partner
Marriage is a business decision. Many people live in denial of this reality, but it is true. Those who doubt the business side of marriage get a rude awakening if the marriage fails and they end up in divorce court. In ages past, marriage was often seen as nothing more than a business decision. Kings expanded their territory, made alliances, and played political games through marriage.
Marriage should never be only a business decision, but business must be seen as a component. While some couples work closely together and others completely separate work from home life, no one should foolishly ignore the fact that every spouse is a business partner—they influence your credit score, determine how you spend money, and own half of everything you own. One should never marry for business, but one should always keep business in mind. A good spouse is also a good business partner. They may not know the details of the business, but they know you well enough to point out blind spots and encourage strengths.
Lover
The major difference between friendship and marriage is the element of sexuality. While every marriage should include friendship, only one friendship should include sexual intimacy. That is marriage.
This aspect of marriage should neither be elevated as the most important part of marriage nor be diminished as a secondary role within the marital relationship. Sex is not the only thing, but it is important to the marital covenant. While most relationships start strong in the area of sexuality—it’s often a driving factor for marriage—many couples falsely assume this aspect of marriage should develop naturally with little effort. It’s a dangerous assumption. A strong sexual connection takes time, knowledge, wisdom, understanding, and a lot of trial and error.
Roommates, Girlfriend, or Pretty Woman
When one of the three elements is completely absent, the marriage digresses into a different type of relationship.
Where friendship and partnership are present but the spouses aren’t lovers, they function like roommates. Having a roommate can make life better. Some of our closest relationships are formed in college when we have a partnership with some of our friends to share the costs of living expenses. But marriage is supposed to be more than a roommate relationship. The intimate connection between husband and wife is vital. It is uniquely distinguished from all others.
While this type of relationship can develop in any marriage, it is a real threat with adolescents in the house. Life can become chaotic, and the couple can lose their sexual connection so that they just operate as roommates. They communicate to keep the house running, but they have lost the intimate connection. Marriage is meant to be much more than the connection of two roommates.
Friends and lovers who are not partners fail to mature. They are still living as though they are dating. Before engagement, a relationship should grow in steps. Friendship should develop and begin to introduce aspects of intimacy (although I would encourage far less intimacy than most). As the couple decides they want to commit to each other, the engagement is a proclamation that they will become partners.
However, when they become partners only in theory and not in practice, they continue to operate as a dating couple. They might feel a close connection, but there is still distance between them. They might love each other, but they can’t be certain the other person has their back. Marriage is meant to be much more than a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship.
Partners and lovers who do not have a good friendship have taken the beauty of marriage and exchanged it for a business transaction. Without friendship, marriage becomes something akin to prostitution. Everything is done for selfish reasons, where I do something for you so you will do something for me. Friends sacrifice for one another without any expectation of something in return. Without friendship, a husband and wife selfishly take care of themselves without thought of the other.
Where partnership and sex exist without friendship, trust is absent. Needs might be taken care of, but both parties will run the risk of feeling alone. Friendship can’t be negotiated. Marriage is supposed to guarantee we always have someone by our side.
In a healthy marriage, both spouses play all three roles—friends, partners, and lovers. When we do, we give our spouse a precious gift: As friends we ensure someone is always on their side. As partners we guarantee someone always has their back. As lovers we let them know someone will always see their soul.
Marriage Works and the Works of Marriage
Marriage still works. We don’t live in such a unique day that the vital institution that has been the bedrock of society since our beginning is suddenly an out-of-date relic. The value of a meaningful relationship is just as important today as in any time in the past. It might even be more important.
In a day when relationships are more surface than substance, a meaningful marriage can have even more benefit to a committed couple. On a regular basis I see it.
As I walk beside families in the best of times and the most challenging of circumstances, I see the difference between a strong marriage and one that struggles. The difference may be hidden from the public, but it is very prevalent to anyone who gets a peek into the inner circle.
Love matters.
It’s often most apparent in the effects it has on children. A child who grows up with parents who are unquestionably committed to each other is almost always radically different than one who is raised in a climate of uncertainty. As I speak with young couples considering marriage and talk through their issues, I rarely have to ask if their parents are still together. I know by the answers they give and the fears they have.
Communities, companies, and any collection of people greatly benefit when two people love each other with a consistent, life-giving love.
Marriage still works, but only if a couple is willing to do the works of marriage. It is not a passive relationship. A person needs to fully engage in order to reap the greatest benefits from marriage.
Some dramatically say, “Marriage is the hardest thing I’ve ever done.” If that’s true, then they have probably not done very many hard things.
But the statement is probably meant to combat the misconception that a good marriage just happens. It doesn’t. Wherever you see a happy, healthy marriage, two people have made the effort to love, forgive, learn, and grow. Doing the work of marriage does not guarantee a good relationship, but refusing to do the work does guarantee a second-rate marriage at best, and more likely a marriage that is not able to sustain itself through the demands of life.
This book is about the practical side of making marriage work. In its simplest form, marriage is dependent on a couple developing three aspects of their relationship. While never being complete in any of the three, a healthy couple continually invests in each of these areas to be the spouses they need to be so they can have the marriage they desire.
BE INTENTIONAL