Traffic court seems like an odd place for a date, but when you’re raising a couple of kids, each leading an organization, and just trying to stay afloat in the chaos of life, sometimes you take whatever you can get.
Jenny was in a minor traffic accident in our driveway. While many cars get hit in a driveway, it is highly unusual to be hit by a random stranger in your own driveway. But that is exactly what happened. I’m still not sure what the guy was thinking, but as Jenny started to pull into our narrow driveway on the right, the driver behind her tried to pass her on that side and ran right into her.
Despite his guilt, the driver was very kind. The police showed up and wrote him a ticket, and we thought the ordeal was over. But a few months later Jenny was subpoenaed to testify in traffic court. The driver thought he should not have received a ticket for hitting my wife in our driveway and was fighting the fine.
In my home state, traffic court is a nuisance for everyone. Primarily it is a bunch of guilty people trying to get out of a fine they could easily pay. Their refusal takes up the time of the court, police officers, and average citizens who need to be somewhere else. In order to combat the nuisance, traffic court is scheduled in the most inconvenient of ways. It is the last section of an afternoon session, normally beginning around 4:00 p.m. However, in order for your case to be heard at that time, you have to arrive before 1:00 for check-in. In the three hours following, the court hears a string of cases normally revolving around drugs, shoplifting, and other petty crimes.
While Jenny had nothing to worry about, she was a bit nervous about testifying in court, so she asked if I would go with her. For three hours we watched as others pleaded their cases. Strangely, it was one of the best dates we’ve had in years.
We had a great time. Rare is the case in which Jenny and I are seated that close together in a room full of people with no children and no cell phones. It felt as though we were high school sweethearts sitting in class, trying not to get in trouble with the teacher.
We were seated behind an elderly couple who were apparently present to show support to a grandchild who had a drug issue. For thirty cases in a row, the couple sat quietly as the judge listened to the charges and gave her ruling. Some went to prison, some to county jail, but most received some form of the following sentence: “That’s X years probation, suspended, and $300 fine. See the bailiff.” This refrain was broken when a woman pled guilty to shoplifting from Walmart. The judge gave her normal sentence—“X years probation, suspended, $300 fine”—but then added, “and a lifetime ban from all Walmarts.”
Upon hearing that, the quiet grandmother in front of me gasped in horror. I nearly lost it. Send someone to prison and the grandmother nodded in agreement. Ban someone from shopping at Walmart and she acted like it was the end of the world.
I couldn’t stop laughing. It became like a funeral laugh, where it really isn’t that funny but the expectation of being quiet and somber made the laughter harder to control. Jenny was looking at me; everyone was looking at me. She kept shushing me, but I couldn’t help myself.
Thankfully, the plea bargains ended and traffic court began. The driver who had hit Jenny apparently had watched too much Law & Order, because for twenty minutes he attempted to pull every TV lawyer stunt possible. The judge patiently allowed him to put on his show, and when it was all over she asked one simple question: “Sir, were you driving behind Mrs. Thompson on the date in question, and did you hit her car?” He began to answer, “Yes, but—” However, before he could get out a third word, the judge said, “Then you’re guilty, pay your fine, and get out of here.”
On our way home from court, Jenny and I talked about what a good time we had that afternoon, as strange as it sounds. Maybe we were so starved for any time together that even time in a courtroom was enjoyable. Maybe it was being in a strange setting that bonded us together. But more likely it was the fact that wherever we go, we attempt to have fun.
Friendship and fun go hand in hand. Having fun isn’t necessarily the most important aspect about friendship, but it does play an important role in determining whether or not we become friends. Consider a small toddler and her mother playing peekaboo. The game has a deep purpose. They are building a bond. The lighthearted interaction creates a deep bond between mother and daughter.
Few things breed intimacy or reveal intimacy as much as playfulness. Friends have fun, and having fun creates friends. Think back to your first friendships. Chances are they were formed on the playground. As you age, the method for forming friends doesn’t greatly change. Even as an adult, we tend to become friends with the parents of our children’s teammates. We have fun as we watch our kids having fun.
If you didn’t have fun with your spouse on your first few dates, I doubt there would have been very many more dates, much less a marriage.
Having fun is an important aspect of friendship, which means it should be an important aspect of marriage. When we lose our ability to have fun as a couple, the loss has dramatic consequences on the relationship.
How often do you laugh together as a couple? What amazes me about laughter is that it has very little to do with outward circumstances and everything to do with the people involved. Everyone knows someone who is funny no matter the situation. While we don’t have to be clowns in order to be good spouses, we do need the ability to connect with our husband or wife in a humorous way.
Oftentimes bad circumstances can lead to just as much laughter as good situations. Enduring difficult times can forge a bond even stronger. Healthy people seek the humorous elements in even the most tragic of situations. I have laughed hysterically with families in the hospice wing at a hospital, even though every person in the room was heartbroken. If laughter is part of the DNA of a family, it doesn’t stop even in hospice. It seems as though the healthiest of marriage partners cry easily and laugh easily.
Yet playfulness is hard to maintain in a marriage. Without intention, the fun can disappear as the demands of life become nearly overwhelming.
How Playfulness Is Lost
I assume most couples begin with playfulness in their relationship. Yet over time, different circumstances erode the fun away. Three common factors are distrust, weariness, and a marital rut.
Distrust
Nothing destroys playfulness as much as distrust. The centerpiece of playfulness is opening oneself up to another for interaction. If we do not trust one another, we cannot be truly playful with one another. The importance of trust is one reason that playfulness is more of a presenting characteristic than the actual issue at play. Its absence is a symptom of a much deeper disease.
Weariness
Playfulness has the appearance of uselessness. While it is vital to the relationship, engaging in playfulness can feel like a waste of time. If we are tired, we will not feel the freedom or have the energy and creativity necessary to be playful. Most couples I see remain playful in their marriage until they have their first child. When the weariness of pregnancy sets in, many lose their playfulness and are never able to regain it. A refusal to maintain margin in their private lives and an unwillingness to invest in rest eats away at a couple’s ability to have fun.
A Marital Rut
The relationship between playfulness and creativity is such that being in a rut can hinder both. As we repeat the daily routines over and over, we lose our sense of wonder, excitement, and joy. Just as play is a natural aspect of a healthy child’s day, so too is playfulness a natural characteristic of a healthy marriage. The presence of play is predictable, but the actual playfulness creates variety. When it’s absent, the relationship becomes boring. I’m not sure if the absence of playfulness causes the rut or if the rut causes us to lose our playfulness, but the two definitely go hand in hand.
How Playfulness Is Regained
While distrust, weariness, and a marital rut can erode playfulness, we can also rediscover it. We can rebuild the habit into our relationships. Several characteristics determine the reestablishment of playfulness.
This takes the most time, but true playfulness can’t exist without it. A relationship is destined to die if it goes too long without trust. Thankfully, trust can be rebuilt. By consistently being truthful, faithful to your word, and loving, you can restore trust. Many times couples expect it to be rebuilt much faster than is realistic. I often tell people that they can’t walk the wrong way for ten years, turn around, and then, after walking ten minutes, expect to be in the right place. Trust can be built back faster than it was destroyed, but it may take longer than we like.
Rest
If trust is present, rebuilding playfulness becomes easy. Often the simplest task is to rest. As difficult as it is, find ways to give the best of your day to a spouse. It clearly can’t happen every day because of work, children, and the demands of life, but if your spouse gets time with you only at the end of the day when you are the most tired, it will be difficult to enjoy each other’s company. On occasion, give your spouse your best. When you are most awake, most refreshed, most alive, give that time to the one you love the most.
Shared Experiences
Playfulness is often built off shared experiences. Inside jokes, stories only the two of you know, and being able to link a current situation to a past experience can be vital to being playful. By having shared hobbies, learning something new together, or making sure you spend regular time together, you can build opportunities for playfulness.
A Change of Scenery
If a marital rut can erode playfulness, a change of scenery can quickly inject it back into a relationship. Even a crowded courtroom with shoplifters can be enough of a change of pace to allow playfulness to come forward. If playfulness is missing in your relationship, consider this: when was the last time you took an extended trip with just your spouse? Sleep in, explore a new place, and watch how your conversation is different by being in a different place with different expectations and none of the demands of home.
Turn It Off; Turn It Back On
When the fun in a marriage is lost, sometimes the couple needs to start over. I wonder, when Bill Gates experiences problems with his computer, does he turn it off and turn it back on? I assume so. Even one of the greatest computer minds to ever exist probably has to occasionally do a hard reboot.
As it is with computers, so it is with marriage. Every marriage needs a reset button. No matter how good a marriage might be, every couple hits rough spots. We have moments, and sometimes months, that are difficult. The question is not whether a couple will have difficult times, but how they will handle the difficult times when they come.
One thing good couples learn in marriage is how to hit the reset button when tough times come. Good couples reset the marriage when they have bad moments; great couples hit the reset button even when times are not that bad.
I officiated at a wedding ceremony at the most beautiful location for weddings in the region where I live. It was atop a mountain at a state park. As the wedding came to an end, I paused. I turned my back to the crowd and stood beside the couple, encouraging the newlyweds to take in the view and the moment. I told them, “When tough times come (and they will), when doubts arise (and they will), and when you don’t know if you want to keep going, find a mountain. Find a place that reminds you of this moment, of this feeling, and of these promises you have made to one another.”
What I was telling the couple was that they would forever have a reset button in their marriage. Every time they climb a mountain, they can remember. They can put their current circumstances in the context of bigger issues and remember why they love one another.
We all need a reset button. We need a place, activity, or routine we can run to when our marriage experiences a rough moment or season.
Each couple must create their own reset button, but here are five possibilities.
Location
Maybe it’s where you had your first date or where you went on your honeymoon. Maybe it’s your favorite vacation spot or your back porch. Find a location where you can go so that as soon as you get there, your stress goes down and the positive feelings begin to recharge.
Activity
Every couple needs to have at least one activity they enjoy doing together. Whether it’s playing tennis or going on a hike, find something you both enjoy that allows for an escape from the normal routine. For Jenny and me, few things help reset our marriage as much as a walk. It forces conversation and allows us to discuss things we otherwise wouldn’t.
Friends
Some friends just make you feel better. As a couple, you should have friends who cause you to love one another more. Maybe their marriage is so great, it encourages you. Maybe they make you laugh so much, you forget your problems. Whatever it is, notice the people in your life who cause the love for your spouse to grow, and then make an effort to spend more time with those people.
Never underestimate the impact of a weekend spent focused on your marriage at a conference or retreat. It gives you the opportunity to learn new skills, be reminded of old truths, and spend time focused on one another.
Vacation
This is my favorite reset button. Anytime Jenny and I can get away from the routine of work and kids, our marriage grows closer. It’s not a reset button we can hit every day, but it is an annual opportunity for us to grow closer together. If you do not get away with your spouse on at least a yearly basis, stop right now and plan a trip.
There are moments in which every couple needs to clear the slate, be reminded of what is important, and renew their love for one another. While marriage may not come with a built-in reset button, we can create habits that allow us to reunite, remember our love, and reengage life with an invigorated connection with one another.
Don’t Confuse Having Fun with Making Fun
While playfulness and fun are vital to a healthy relationship, there is a counterfeit that masquerades as fun but destroys a relationship—making fun of one another.
Fun in a marriage should be a mutually beneficial interaction that encourages both partners and draws them closer together. However, many couples actually abuse and put down one another in the name of “fun,” with damaging effects.
Eric was a gifted communicator. He could entertain crowds and move them to action with tremendous skill. But he had a bad habit. Whenever he was in front of a new audience, he would make fun of his wife. It was a nervous tendency he thought was meaningless. Yet anyone who watched his wife as he did this would see it wasn’t meaningless. It was damaging.
What Eric also didn’t realize was that his audience didn’t really find the jokes funny. They laughed out of nervousness more than humor. Ask Eric and he would say, “I don’t mean it.” But he clearly does. He would say, “She doesn’t care,” but she clearly does. He would say, “They think it’s funny,” but they clearly don’t.
Playfulness does not mean having fun at the expense of your spouse. It means engaging them in fun. Even if your spouse can’t cook, drive, or add, don’t air those faults in public. While playfulness is a sign of a healthy marriage, being playful is different than being hateful.
Most spouses don’t mean it that way. A majority of comments meant in jest are just poorly thought-through comments aiming for a cheap laugh. The intent is rarely evil, but the actions still need to stop. The reward is not worth the risk.
When I hear a man make fun of his spouse in public, I often wonder, If he will say that about her in public, what will he say to her in private? It’s okay to laugh about a situation. It can be enjoyable to remember a funny story. But it is never right to get a cheap laugh at the expense of our spouse.
As someone who is on stage on a regular basis, I have two basic rules to make sure I’m not using my wife for a cheap laugh. First, I never tell a story in which the audience will take my side over hers. They always side with her. I’m always the ignorant one or the wrong one, and she is always the hero. Not every life event happens that way, but I will only publicly tell of the situations that fit that scenario. Second, if there is any question in my mind of how she might feel about a story, I ask her opinion first. If she doesn’t like it, I don’t tell it.
Couples must be open and honest with one another in this area, or they could hurt one another without realizing it. If your spouse tells a joke or story you don’t like at a party, on the way home it is important to say, “I know you meant nothing by it, but that story embarrassed me,” or “I would prefer if you don’t tell that story again.”
Gratitude
Playfulness is most often born from a sense of gratitude. The more grateful one feels for their spouse, the more playful they are and the more they seek to have fun. Marriage is best lived in gratitude.
When Jenny and I were first married, I was in graduate school in Alabama. A friend called me and invited me to play in a golf tournament in Philadelphia, but we wouldn’t get back until the day of our anniversary. Having just gotten married, I never considered this might be an invitation I would want to turn down. So I asked Jenny if I could play, saying I would be back in time to take her to a celebratory dinner, and she agreed.
I flew to Philadelphia, played golf for a couple of days, and headed home on our anniversary. The plan was for me to fly from Philly to Newark to Atlanta. I would then drive from Atlanta to Birmingham and would be home by midafternoon.
We got to Newark without any problem, but when we landed I noticed it was foggy. When I made it to my gate I found out my flight had been canceled. The ticket agent told me the bad news that because of weather only limited flights were getting out, and I would likely be stuck in Newark all night. I explained my situation and asked if I could fly standby. She pointed me to a wall and told me everyone there was trying to fly standby. She was kind but firm when she said, “Son, it looks like you’re in trouble.”
I didn’t know what to do, so I just sat by the wall and waited. As the next flight loaded, not a single standby passenger got on. Everything was booked. Just as they were closing the door to the jetway, a flight attendant came through the door and whispered to the ticket agent. The agent got on the microphone and said, “Will K. Thompson please come to the desk?”
I jumped up and ran to the desk. She said, “Are you K. Thompson?” When I said yes, she handed me a ticket and said, “Hurry up, you are on that flight.” I ran down the jetway toward the plane.
As soon as I stepped on the plane, the flight attendant asked, “Are you Thompson?” When I said yes, she pointed me to the first row and said, “You are right here.” The “right here” was in first class. I was shocked. I had never flown first class before.
The door was quickly shut, and the plane pushed back from the gate. Within minutes we were in the air.
First class was like a whole different world. They brought me cookies, magazines, and newspapers. The seats were large and there was plenty of room. I thought everything was amazing.
The man sitting next to me disagreed. He was having a horrible day. Dressed in a suit, drinking strong drinks, and huffing at anything that didn’t go his way, he looked miserable. To make his day worse, the happiest man in the world was sitting next to him and was thrilled at everything.
Finally the man looked over and sarcastically said, “Is this your first time in first class?” I told him it was and then proceeded to tell him the story of how I got on the plane. “That doesn’t sound right,” he said. “Let me see your ticket.” So he took my ticket and everything looked normal to him, but that’s when I saw it. The name on the ticket was Keith Thompson.
I’m not sure what happened to Keith Thompson that foggy day in Newark, but Kevin Thompson made it to Atlanta and drove back to Alabama to take his wife to dinner on their anniversary. It was the best flight ever.
Isn’t it amazing how two men can sit side by side on the same plane, both in first class, headed to the same place, and have such radically different experiences? One was thrilled at everything and the other was frustrated by everything. What was the difference?
Gratitude. I didn’t deserve to be on the plane and I knew it. Everything was a blessing to me. The other man not only thought he deserved to be on the plane, but he was a little frustrated I got there in an undeserving way. Everything was horrible to him.
Marriage is far better lived in gratitude. Friendship is most meaningful when we are grateful to know the other person and to have the opportunity to love and be loved by them. It doesn’t mean everything will be perfect. It doesn’t mean every scenario will bring a smile to our face and a sense of peace to our heart. But it does mean even the bad times will be viewed within the context of a much larger and more important story. It means we won’t overlook the smallest of successes or achievements. It will empower us to see the good in our spouse. It will give us a deep sense of appreciation for the opportunity to love another person and to receive their love.
Where gratitude is present, so is a great marriage. Where gratitude is present, a couple feels the freedom to laugh and play. They do not feel the need to put on a show. Though life still has its demands, the presence of gratitude helps a couple not be overwhelmed by them. Each person can take the time to look one another in the eye and feel appreciation for the opportunity to walk this life hand in hand.
BE INTENTIONAL