Two people decide to start a business. They are going to be equal partners. This decision has consequences. It’s assumed that both will do an equal amount of work, be aggressively passionate about the success of the business, and support one another in every way to make the business thrive. However, these assumptions do not mean that both will do the same type of work, always experience the exact same feelings at the same time, and have the same opinions on every issue.
When partners begin a business, they bring different strengths, abilities, and backgrounds to the table. They believe that they are better together than apart. They want to leverage their differences to the benefit of both parties. They rejoice in differences because they add strength to the organization, but their relationship is cemented by similar goals, desires, and ambitions. In partnering together, it is almost certain that both parties are in a similar life setting. Either they are both experienced businesspeople who have been around the block and have a good understanding of what is desired in their company, or they are both brand-new to the business world, idealistically believing they know how to make a company work. Either way they have chosen to tie their destinies together, trusting one another and believing they can make it together.
As it is in business, so it is in marriage. Marriage is a partnership. It is a business decision. In the past, marriage was primarily a business decision. It was not unusual in other cultures for marriage to be very little about love and very much about land, lineage, and international diplomacy. Thankfully we live in a day in which love is the main motivating factor for marriage; however, the threat for many in today’s culture is to lose sight of the business side of saying “I do.”
Marriage is a business. There are legal documents, tax implications, credit scores, property rights, inheritance issues, time allocation questions, income and expense reports, and job descriptions.
Marriage is a partnership. It’s a business that requires two equal partners. The partnership is no less important than the friendship or the sexual connection. It can’t be elevated as the centerpiece of marriage, but it also can’t be pushed aside as a relic of marriages past. To deny the partnership of marriage is to deny reality. While the movies might focus more on the romance and emotional connection, a strong partnership is important to a fulfilling relationship. Without it, the couple will recognize something is missing even if they can’t fully explain what it is. At its best, marriage is the partnership of two equals who use their strengths in different areas for the mutual benefit of the couple.
The Math of a Good Marriage: 1 + 1 = 3
Partnership in marriage should have a multiplying effect. It’s two people coming together not just so they can accomplish the work of two, but so that now they can do the work of three. In a good marriage, the two become one, but they also remain two. They don’t become one at the expense of the two; they become one in addition to the two. When marriage works, 1 + 1 = 3.
Each individual retains their individuality. Husbands and wives are as different as any two people can be. While they likely share many common goals and interests, their stories, backgrounds, perspectives, skills, and abilities differ. Those differences do not disappear at the altar. If anything, they likely become more apparent after the vows are said. Before marriage, our passion can cloud our judgment, so we downplay the differences between us and our spouse and highlight the similarities. We can fool ourselves into thinking we are identical just because the other person took the same elective as we did or went to the same concert or ate at the same restaurant.
Shortly after the wedding, and hopefully somewhat before, differences begin to reveal themselves. These differences are both the source of our greatest frustration and the place of our greatest potential. When a couple can navigate the differences and appreciate them, their relationship will have a diversity of strengths and perspectives that set it up for tremendous success. However, success is dependent on the couple being able to appreciate the differences and not being driven crazy by them.
The equation for a successful marital partnership can be missed in two ways. First, some miss it because the two never become one. Each partner retains their own identity, but they never become a true couple. Each lives their own life and they never experience the power of togetherness. By themselves they can accomplish much, but they have not learned to accomplish more than what they can do on their own. In this relationship, 1 + 1 = 2. They are good, but they are only as good as two, no different than when they were single.
The second way others miss the equation is because the two do become one, but they lose all sense of their individual identities. This type of relationship is tricky because the couple might believe that they have a healthy marriage. They do everything together and appear very much in love. However, they have lost their individual selves. They are unable to accomplish anything without the other. In this relationship, 1 + 1 = 1. They are good, but they are only as good as one.
In a healthy marriage, each spouse keeps their individual identity, enjoys themselves, and accomplishes things without their partner, while also merging into a powerful partnership. They are both individuals and a couple. This is how I want my marriage to be—me, her, and us.
I am me. I exist beyond my spouse. Jenny doesn’t define me. She doesn’t complete me. She doesn’t dictate who I am as an individual. Even without her, I’m still me. I am responsible for myself, my own happiness, my own identity, my own success in life.
She is her. She has a life beyond me. I don’t define her. I don’t complete her. I don’t dictate who she is as an individual. Even without me, she is still her. She is responsible for herself, her own happiness, her own identity, and her own success in life.
Yet we are also us. We define who we are as a couple. There are things that we do together. There are aspects of our lives that are a joint venture. Without her, I don’t act. Without me, she doesn’t act. We have our individual things, but we also have our couple things. We hike together and run a home together. We talk with one another about the direction of her business or big issues at church. We are tennis partners and share friendships with other couples. But she never plays golf with me. While we play tennis together, she also plays in a league without me. With some couples we are friends with each spouse, but with other couples only one of us is close to them. I have my things. She has her things. And we have our things.
This is marriage at its best. It harnesses both the strength of two individuals and the power of a united couple. When any of these three aspects is not fully functioning, they all suffer. A marriage can only thrive when each spouse maintains their individual identity. Individuals can best thrive when their marriage is strong.
Marriage has a multiplying effect. We can do more together than we can do alone. While marriage might hinder aspects of what we could do individually because of demands on time and changes of affections, it greatly multiplies what we can do together.
When a Spouse Becomes a Child
Gary and Shelly look like the perfect couple. Both are outgoing and engaging and seem deeply in love. Their dating story was textbook. After the perfect wedding and a few years of newlywed bliss, they started having children. First a daughter and then a son were added to the house.
As a nurse, Shelly is gone from the kids more than she wants, but she is a great mother and wife. Her absence requires Gary to play an active role as a father, which he embraces well. Other than the perfect ponytail, there is nothing Gary can’t do for his kids. Others call him “Mr. Mom,” but he always shakes his head and says, “It’s actually called being a father.” Many see Gary as the perfect husband, but Shelly doesn’t feel that way. She knows he is good in many areas, but there is one frustration she can’t shake. Gary can never hold down a job, and it’s not because of companies downsizing due to shipping jobs overseas or because of technology making his field of expertise irrelevant. Gary can’t keep a job because he refuses to do the work necessary. He is lazy and a bit entitled, and he either thinks he is too good for a job or simply enjoys Shelly taking care of him.
Every time he gets a job, she hopes this will be the one. But every time, there is an excuse—the boss is too demanding, the schedule isn’t fair, the job doesn’t match his dream. There is always a reason for him to quit. He has never been fired, as far as she knows. But the truth is, he has been forced out of nearly every job because of his bad attitude, excuse making, or poor work ethic.
If you ask Gary, he is a great husband. He will admit he has struggled with his career, but he will quickly point out how much housework he does, the amount of time he spends with the kids, how beloved he is by everyone, and how often he covers for Shelly as proof he is living by his vows.
Shelly would tell a different story. She raves about the type of father Gary is. She still loves him and considers him her best friend. But she will hesitate if you ask, “Is he a good husband?” She considers herself lucky in many areas because of Gary, but she is weary from the pressure of being the sole breadwinner. She’s tired of having to play the role of Gary’s mom when it comes to telling him he can’t spend money whenever he wants or needs to put in another job application. She looks at her friends whose husbands go to work every day, and she is jealous. But it’s not because of the job. A friend of Gary and Shelly’s was recently laid off. Shelly watched as he had several interviews the next week. He was working hard to get a new job. That’s all Shelly wants from Gary. Work to get a job, and when you get it, keep it. But Gary refuses. He is a great friend and lover, but Gary is failing Shelly because he is not an equal partner.
That’s not to say he has to have a job to be an equal partner. If Gary and Shelly came to the joint conclusion that Shelly’s job could support the family and they want Gary to stay home to be a full-time dad, there would be nothing wrong with that choice. But that is not what they have decided. It is what Gary has decided without the blessing of Shelly. And it is damaging their marriage.
When one spouse refuses to play their equal role in the partnership of marriage, the dynamics of the relationship shift to parent/child. This relationship is meaningful when it takes place between a parent and child. It isn’t equal—the power structure is clearly tilted so the parent has power and the child is expected to submit. This is for the benefit of the child. It is in their best interest to have a parent rule over them. In marriage, a parent/child relationship is destructive.
I love my children, but they are not equal partners in the family. They are equal participants, but not partners. They are not expected to contribute in the same way that their mother and I contribute. They do not feel the stress and strain that comes from being an equal partner. They have a right to assume many things will simply happen without their effort. Food will be in the pantry, the bills will be paid, and their mother and I will do everything in our power to provide the basic necessities they need for success. They participate in the family, but they are not equal partners.
As they age, my expectations for them will increase, and when they are capable of being an equal partner, they will be expected to move out and start their own homes. Before that time, they will not have the capacity to handle the pressure. Even if they could, I would not want them to experience it. I want them to be children—to enjoy the benefits of their parents’ labor and allow us to do the work necessary to provide for them.
What we want for our children, we do not want for our spouse. It is our rightful expectation that a spouse will play an equal role in the ownership of the family. It doesn’t mean both spouses will have jobs outside of the house or perform the exact same tasks. It does mean they will be equally involved in energy and effort toward the well-being of the partnership.
Too many marriages devolve into a parent-child relationship. One spouse plays the role of the parent:
They see the big picture.
They make the tough decisions.
They prevent the other spouse from doing foolish things.
The other spouse plays the role of the child:
They hide things from their mate.
They are more focused on having fun than reaching long-term goals.
They do not carry their share of the workload or responsibility.
On paper these are marriages, but in practice they are replicas of the relationship that one spouse had with their mom or dad. This dynamic comes in two forms: chronic parent/child relationships and situational parent/child relationships.
Chronic Parent/Child Relationships
Some marriages are stuck in a chronic parent/child relationship. While it may not define the whole marriage, it can describe a continual pattern of interaction in one or multiple areas of life. Often it begins at a young age. The couple gets married, and before kids there are very few things off-limits regarding time and energy. As time passes and responsibilities increase, a healthy couple changes and matures, whereas an unhealthy couple does not. One spouse may transition, but the other remains stuck.
Before kids, it’s not an issue when a wife wants to hang out with her girlfriends after work. But when kids come along and the nights out are too frequent, a husband can begin to feel like a single dad putting his kids to bed as he worries about his wife making it home. Similarly, a lot of guys play video games through high school and college. The games often transition to the couple’s first house. It’s not a problem to play video games, but when it takes the central place in the husband’s life rather than being a rare way to blow off steam, the wife can feel isolated. In these scenarios, it is not unusual for the husband to try to restrict how many times the wife can go out with her friends, or for the wife to limit the amount of time a husband can play video games. In the first scenario, the husband is playing the role of a dad, and in the second situation, the wife is being her husband’s mom. The relationship is not equal.
In chronic parent/child relationships, both spouses have work to do. One spouse needs to grow up. I often find myself looking a husband in the eye and telling him, “Your wife deserves a husband, not a child. Start being a man.” After I hear the couple describe what is taking place, it becomes obvious the husband is not playing his part. He is distracted by a hobby or a game or some other area in which he is using his strengths for himself and his own enjoyment rather than for the well-being of the couple and the nourishment of the family. In these cases, I plead with the man to be a man. His wife deserves a full partner, not another dependent. He needs to do his job. He needs to support the family financially, be responsible, stop making foolish decisions, act his age, pick up his things, share the household chores, stop trying to make a career out of a hobby, save money instead of spending it, and do a host of other commonsense actions that a partner in a business relationship would assume is normal.
Yet the other spouse has work to do as well. They need to stop being the parent. Oftentimes when I tell a person they need to stop parenting their spouse, they respond by saying, “But if I don’t, who will?” In the same way that their spouse needs to stop acting like a child, they need to stop acting like a parent. This doesn’t mean that they put the children in danger or make foolish financial decisions or risk the well-being of the family. It does mean they do what they are supposed to do and stop doing what their spouse should do. While there is no excuse for a spouse to play the role of a child, one reason many do is because they have been allowed to without any real consequences. So the active alcoholic or relapsed prescription drug user or the wannabe rock star can ignore their family and their responsibilities without experiencing homelessness, separation from their children, or an end to the intimate relationship with their spouse.
Why should they grow up if they never experience the negative consequences of their decisions? If the worst thing that happens to them is an occasional cold shoulder or huff from their spouse, there isn’t a driving reason for them to stop drinking, come home on time, or get a job. While it is unhealthy, the parent/child relationship is often pretty comfortable for the “child.” Everything of importance gets taken care of for them without any effort on their part. They might have to put up with some complaining from the “parent,” but the complaining often goes in one ear and out the other. In the end, the bills are paid, food is on the table, and they get to continue in their childish ways. They will continue until the “parent” stops being the parent and starts being the spouse. It may not change the “child,” but it is the only chance they have of changing.
I was always told Mary was sick. Her husband was a saint in my eyes. He served his wife in a way I can’t even begin to imagine. For decades he worked, cleaned, cooked, and did everything in between. She did very little, but she was sick. To the shock of everyone, Mary’s husband suddenly died one day. It was a tragic loss. There was a great debate about what would happen to Mary. Maybe she could move in with one of the kids, or maybe she needed to go into assisted living. No one was certain, but everyone knew she couldn’t make it on her own. Until she did.
To everyone’s surprise, Mary was able to do everything required to live on her own. She cooked for the first time in years. She cleaned house. She took care of herself. Come to find out, she had been able to the whole time, but no one knew her ability because her husband always waited on her. When he was no longer there, either she could do things for herself or she would have to move into assisted living. So she took care of herself. Obviously, it was possible that Mary wouldn’t have been able to take care of herself, but no one would have known her capability had death not stopped her husband from doing everything.
As it was with Mary, so it is with every spouse who is playing the role of the child. Until they are forced to be an adult, they will simply continue being a child. But when the “parent” stops parenting, the “child” will have a choice. Sadly, some choose to continue down an immature path, but others get the wake-up call they need and start playing the role they were supposed to play.
Situational Parent/Child Relationships
While some couples are stuck in a chronic parent/child relationship, nearly every couple will face moments in which they are tempted to act within the parent/child framework. This temptation will derive from either our fear of responsibility or our need for control.
Being an adult is hard. Responsibilities grow at a pace that often exceeds confidence. There are moments in which nearly every adult desires to tap out of all the demands and have someone take care of them. One of the great privileges of marriage is knowing we always have someone who has our back. If a sudden flu hits a wife, she should be encouraged to know that for at least forty-eight hours her husband can cover everything that needs to be done to keep the home running.
At our best, we will use this privilege as little as necessary, but at our worst, we may exploit our spouse for our personal gain. Sometimes we drop the ball because we know someone else is there to pick it up. Out of laziness, boredom, or just selfishness, we are tempted to ignore our responsibilities as a husband or wife, which obligates our spouse to carry more of the load than they should. This temptation should be rebuked at every turn.
Yet the more likely scenario for us is to take on the parenting role, because with it comes the perception of control. With good intentions, a husband can “parent” his wife because he thinks he is doing what is best for her. Or a wife, while meaning to do what is best, can “parent” her husband, not realizing she is stripping him of his humanity and adulthood.
Nagging is a bad parenting technique, yet many wives use it against their husbands. It is often joked of as a natural part of marriage, but it is not an aspect of a healthy relationship. It is a way in which one spouse is trying to control the other, and it tips the power structure of the relationship.
Work and parenting can drive us into a parent/child relationship without us recognizing it. Both Jenny and I have found ourselves telling the other what to do, unaware we are treating each other the way we treat our children. We wake up in the morning and do everything in our power to get our kids out of the house and to school. We are shouting orders to both children. Then we head to work, where we are striving toward a goal and convincing other people to go in the direction we think they need to go. We come home to once again corral the kids through homework and bedtime.
In the midst of the average day, we are making many decisions and telling a lot of people what to do. It is not unusual for us to use the same technique with one another. Yet Jenny is not my child. I am not her employee. In most of our daily relationships, there is a clear line of reporting. One person works for another, or one person is the child of another. But in marriage, there is no power structure between Jenny and me. We are equal not only in personhood but also in authority, responsibility, and expectation. We often laugh when one of us gives an order to the other in the same tone we might give to one of our children. We catch ourselves wading into a parent/child relationship without even realizing we are doing so. In the same way that we must guard against acting like a child instead of an adult, we must also make sure that we treat our spouse like an adult rather than a child.
The Power of an Equal Relationship
While we are tempted to devolve into a parent/child relationship, there is nothing better than an equal relationship between two loving adults. Partnership, at its very best, empowers each individual to experience their full potential while encouraging them to know that in times of weakness, there is always someone who has their back.
Partnership allows a spouse to try new things, stretch their boundaries, and explore unknown places because of the stability of the relationship. It reassures us that in failure and success we will have someone to weep with us or cheer us on. It challenges us to live day to day with another adult who is striving to do the best they can. It gives us the opportunity to use every aspect of who we are for the well-being of another person. It reveals to us our greatest weaknesses and needs, all within the comfort of a loving, lasting relationship. It changes who we are and what we want, drawing us out of ourselves and making us passionate about the success of the one we love. It teaches us about ourselves and others, instructing us in ways we would never learn on our own. It presents to us the capacity to affect and influence many more people and circumstances than we could on our own.
Marriage between two equal adults is far too rich to be squandered away in a parent/child relationship. I love my parents, but I don’t need more than the two I have. I love my children and am content with both of them. I do not need another mom or daughter. I need Jenny to be my wife. It’s a role no one else can play—my equal in every respect, neither over me nor under me, neither further ahead nor a little behind. She is my partner. She is the one who has my back.