I officiated my first wedding before I had my first kiss. While I possessed the authority to bind two people together in holy matrimony, I struggled with the ability to ask a friend to the movies. Asking her to accompany me to a wedding was easier.
So at one of the first weddings I performed, I asked a girl to join me. The ceremony went off without a hitch. Following the nuptials, I was enjoying some punch and talking to my date as the couple cut the cake. As the bride did the cutting, the groom began to joke and she began to joke back. Behind their smiles was a seriousness few saw. He was threatening to smash the cake in her face. She was letting him know that she wouldn’t hesitate to do the same. The groom then fed the cake to his bride with a bit more force than I would recommend. She responded with equal aggressiveness. When he reciprocated, the fight was on. Within seconds, the couple went to the ground, attempting to force cake into each other’s face.
I turned to my friend and asked, “Is this normal?” Having attended more weddings than me, she replied, “I don’t think so.”
Two decades and a few hundred weddings later, I always watch the wedding cake exchange with great interest. Show me how a couple feeds one another wedding cake, and I can make a pretty decent guess on whether or not that couple will have a marriage that includes respect. Does he respect her enough not to embarrass her? Does she respect him enough not to emasculate him? Do they respect one another enough not to retaliate if the other uses more force than appropriate? Do they playfully interact with one another? Is someone willing to deflate the situation if it gets tense?
Weddings are unique events for several reasons, but one of the most unusual aspects of a wedding is the couple being in the spotlight. Most of us live our lives in anonymity. A few people see us, but we don’t regularly operate on stage. Crowds can make people do crazy things. A crowd can’t make us do something we would never do, but it can encourage us to do things we would rarely do—such as tackle our new wife to the ground in an attempt to get a laugh.
Respect is a necessary ingredient for a successful marriage. It is a prerequisite for a healthy partnership. When respect is absent, a husband and wife cannot be true partners. They might be great friends. They might have moments of sexual chemistry. But they will not be true life partners who are confident that their spouse always has their back.
We respect people’s strengths. This doesn’t happen in denial of their weaknesses, but it is the result of seeing those imperfections within a larger context of abilities, aptitudes, and skills.
Unhealthy relationships do not necessarily have more character flaws or inabilities. More often they have the same strengths and weaknesses as any couple, but one or both spouses have established the destructive habit of fixating on the negative. When spouses define each other by their weaknesses, respect is quickly lost. We allow our spouse’s weaknesses to eclipse their every strength. Instead of viewing a weakness as one aspect of who they are or a downside to a positive quality, we strip the person of their humanity and define them as stupid, evil, or below us. No longer seeing them as our equal, we pity them, hate them, or simply stop thinking about them. When respect is lost, the partnership is dissolved. When it is present and developed, the partnership thrives.
What It Means to Me
One of the most important questions we can ask ourselves and our spouse regarding respect is, “How do you feel it?” Respecting my spouse is vital, but I want to make sure she feels valued. What are the ways in which she best receives my communication of respect? When I show it in a way that speaks to her heart, it is important that she communicates that feeling to me. Similarly, I must recognize the moments in which I feel most appreciated by my spouse and communicate those moments to her.
People feel respect in different ways. By communicating our feelings, we empower our spouse to act in a way that will speak best to us. Equally important, we must communicate circumstances in which we feel disrespected by our spouse. These are often easier to recognize. I often tell couples, “Describe something your spouse does that feels disrespectful to you.” If the couple feels safe enough, they can normally list off something:
“When he just sets his dirty dish on the counter, expecting me to clean it.”
“When she cuts me off when I’m talking.”
“When he doesn’t recognize I’ve had a bad day.”
“When she doesn’t give me time to collect myself after work.”
“When he won’t tell his mother no and just expects me to go along.”
“When she tells me I can’t do something, as though I’m a child.”
In all these examples, the actions taken are received as a very specific communication: You do not value me as an individual. A healthy couple can communicate about those moments and learn how to build respect. Unhealthy couples refuse to communicate, or if they do communicate, they refuse to apply their knowledge and change their actions.
Respect Means I See You
At its heart, respect is recognizing another person and valuing what we see. The prerequisite demands that I see you. I can’t respect what I don’t see. To respect my spouse, I must see what is going on in her life. Friendship fuels partnership because it gives us a deeper understanding of our spouse, which causes us to better understand who they are and what is happening in their lives.
At the core of most disrespect is a failure to see our spouse. We don’t understand the needs in their lives or how our actions impact them. Most people do not desire to be disrespectful. A lack of respect is rarely born out of intention but is more often the result of ignorance. We act in selfish ways, unknowingly hurting those around us. In order for me to see you, I also have to see me. I have to understand the consequences of my actions and how they impact those around me.
One of the most effective ways to develop respect for our spouse is by taking intentional steps to understand their needs and how we can assist them. I often encourage couples to try the following exercise for two weeks. Every day ask each other, “What is one way I can help you today?”
This doesn’t guarantee that you will be able to do what they ask. It does not obligate you to the task unless you specifically say that you will do it. But it does inform you of what is taking place in your spouse’s day and helps you understand at least one way you can shoulder part of the burden for your spouse.
If a couple will ask this question, several things will occur:
They will better understand what is taking place in their spouse’s life.
They will more likely assist their spouse during the day.
They will be more likely to consider other things they can do to help their spouse.
They will not feel alone in the demands of their day.
They will experience gratitude when their spouse has the ability to help them.
They will find themselves thinking more about their spouse on a daily basis.
All of these have a positive impact on our marriages. We learn to depend on each other and cultivate a deeper respect as partners.
Communication and Respect
Respect creates good communication, and good communication deepens respect. If I respect my spouse, I will
want to know her
want to be known by her
be willing to listen
give her the attention she needs to communicate to me
refuse to make any assumptions regarding her opinions or ideas
not belittle her
not caricature her (e.g., “all women are emotional”)
understand she is a complex person whom I do not fully know
listen when spoken to
give her ample time for communication to take place
clearly show my desire for her to communicate with me
reveal my heart to her
While respect is an internal feeling of admiration, it expresses itself through action. A person can’t claim to respect their spouse if their actions do not clearly reveal that. Yet acting respectfully is the best way to grow feelings of respect.
Having a temporary disagreement or miscommunication is not evidence of an absence of respect; it is evidence of two different people trying to understand one another. However, if there is a pattern that proves communication is difficult regarding an issue, the root problem is likely a lack of respect.
Can’t talk about money? Do you respect the financial decisions of your spouse?
Can’t talk about sex? Do you respect the sexual desires of your spouse?
Can’t talk about kids? Do you respect your spouse as a parent?
When certain topics are off-limits between a couple, it is likely a sign that respect is lacking in that area. Where a lack of communication indicates a lack of respect, good communication can often rebuild the trust.
Jeremy and Sarah cannot talk about money. Every time they begin the discussion, a fight breaks out. The issue is that Sarah doesn’t respect Jeremy when it comes to money. She pays the bills, knows the bank balance, and tries to save a little money toward retirement. Jeremy simply spends money. While their relationship is strong in many areas, money is the main area of frustration. Time has taught them to ignore the issue in order to avoid a fight. Yet ignoring topics is not the pathway to a healthy relationship. For a meaningful partnership to develop, Jeremy and Sarah need to learn how to communicate about the topic without arguing. They don’t have to agree, but they do need to negotiate a working plan of action that can be revisited when the issue needs to be discussed.
If the couple has a strong friendship, it can assist their partnership. When communication about an issue is difficult, the issue is normally within the partnership of the relationship. But instead of discussing it like partners, a healthy couple can discuss it like friends.
Friends listen. They don’t judge. They don’t condemn. They are more concerned with hearing their friend’s heart than persuading their friend to think exactly like them. This is why it is often easy to communicate with friends. Friends communicate respectfully—no name calling, no shame, no judgment, empathic listening, and a true desire to understand what the other person thinks and feels.
Too often, couples fail to communicate like friends. Instead, they attack one another, attempting to win the argument and get their way. Disrespect describes many conversations. One possible response to disrespect is avoidance. If Jeremy and Sarah would learn how to communicate respectfully about money, they may not agree on the issue, but they could find a workable framework for handling their monthly finances. The issue will likely always be one of contention, but respectful communication can help them better understand one another and prevent them from making disrespectful statements about each other (e.g., “All she cares about is money” or “He is so irresponsible”).
Respectful communication would likely lead to actual respect about the issue of money. If Jeremy heard Sarah communicate her feelings about money—how she worries, her dreams for the future, her hard work concerning the family finances—he may better understand why she gets frustrated about his spending. He might then begin to respect her regarding finances, whereas in the past he has not.
Respectful communication does the following:
It recognizes the humanity of the other person.
It refuses to make judgmental statements.
It clearly communicates personal feelings.
It patiently listens.
It says “I,” not “you.”
It stays on topic.
It speaks in an appropriate tone.
The Lowest Bar for Marital Success
Within communication and the relationship in general, there is a low bar to gauge the respect in your marriage, a good measuring stick to keep in mind: do you treat your spouse with at least the same amount of respect and dignity you show to others?
That shouldn’t be the bar we use for our actions within marriage. The goal should be much higher. Yet it is a simple test we can give ourselves when it comes to the issue of respect. I regularly speak with couples who describe how they speak and act toward one another in private, and I am shocked. They never treat me the way they describe. With me they show respect, kindness, and restraint, but with one another they are rude, vile, and demanding. It’s an ugly hypocrisy.
Respect demands that we not treat our spouse worse than we treat others. Without question we can let our guard down with our spouse. We do not have to put on an act as we often do with others. However, if letting our guard down means being a jerk, we need to put the guard back up. If we treat our spouse in a way we would never treat a stranger, we are not respecting them. Our spouse does not have a right to expect perfection from us, yet they do have the right to generally expect the best from us. We have no right to treat others kindly and then be consistently rude with our spouse. It is wrong to help everyone else we meet but then regularly fail to assist our spouse with their life. If I would never yell at a co-worker, demean a friend, or be rude to a cashier, then I should never yell at, demean, or be rude to my wife. And if I do, I would hope that I would recognize it, apologize, and change my actions.
Many couples fail to have a healthy partnership because they treat their partner in a way they would never treat anyone else in their lives. They give their best to others but their worst to their spouse. It is a failure of respect.
Consider this: If you treated your spouse while you were dating the way you treat them now, would they have ever agreed to marry you? Who thinks you are a better man—your wife or a waitress? Who respects you more—your husband or a co-worker?
We often use the phrase “common courtesy.” It is a general understanding of how people deserve to be treated no matter who they are, what they are doing, or how you happen to interact with them. Common courtesy begins at home, with a basic level of respect, dignity, restraint, and trust. Without it, we are doomed to fail. With it, we can begin to build a relationship that lasts.
Emotional and Physical
The presence of respect drives a couple to nourish both an emotional and a physical relationship with one another. It is too simplistic to think of these categories solely in traditional gender ways, as though every woman must have an emotional connection and every man needs a physical connection to feel respected. Both partners need both connections.
However, the stereotypes are present for a reason. As a general rule, more men feel respected when the physical relationship is healthy. Without a healthy physical intimacy, many men will struggle to believe their spouse respects them. Men often intermingle respect and desire. A wife can deeply respect her husband, but if she fails to respect his physical needs, her words will be empty. For most men, an intimate physical connection is the way they experience a meaningful emotional connection.
Many women separate the two. An emotional connection is a prerequisite for a physical connection. This is why a man must pursue an emotional connection with his wife outside the bedroom. It communicates a true respect for who she is as a person, not simply what she can give him sexually. When a husband nourishes the emotional connection with his wife, she feels valued and appreciated.
Notice how in a healthy marriage, each aspect—friend, partner, and lover—feeds the others. When spouses develop a meaningful partnership based on respect, it feeds their friendship. Respect drives the couple to nourish a healthy emotional connection, which strengthens the friendship bond. That same respect causes the couple to recognize the physical needs each experiences and ensures they will not deny those needs. The partnership enhances their intimate life because they recognize differences, celebrate strengths and weaknesses, and feel a close bond with one another as they live life together.
Disrespect doesn’t just hinder the partnership; it stunts growth in every aspect of marriage. Where respect is present, any struggle can be overcome because both partners are willing to humbly attack the problem and strengthen the marriage.
Respect Determines Influence
When respect is present, both partners influence one another, improving each individual and strengthening the relationship. When respect is absent, influence ceases. If I can neither influence my partner nor be influenced by her, I am not receiving the maximum benefit from a healthy marriage. A healthy marriage makes us better. It calls from us our very best as we assist our partner. It invests into us the very best as our partner makes us better.
Joe and Judy have been married for over four decades. Judy stayed home to raise the kids as Joe made a career in banking. He worked his way up to be the president of one bank and then spent the last chapter of his career building a new bank. Over the years, Joe hired a lot of employees. Some were great successes and others did not work out so well. But not a single key hire was made without that person meeting Judy. Why?
Judy never worked a single day as a teller, lender, or vice president. She didn’t study bank regulations or have a degree in marketing. If she had applied for any of the jobs for which Joe was hiring, she would never have been considered because of her lack of experience. So why did she play such an influential role in the hiring process? While Judy didn’t know banking, she did know Joe. Better than anyone, she knew his strengths, weaknesses, tendencies, and blind spots. She knew the process when Joe succeeded and the reasons for many of his failures. She had forty years of experience listening to him struggle when an employee wasn’t working out. It was Joe’s job to make sure the candidate had the banking skills necessary for a position. It was Judy’s job to give a second opinion on the candidate as a person. More importantly, she was there to protect Joe from himself.
The ultimate test of respect between two spouses can be defined by a single question: “Do I allow my spouse to influence me?” If the answer is no, it is proof we do not respect our spouse.
Those we admire impact us. We change because of who they are and what they believe about us. A little kid idolizes an all-star baseball player. Before long the kid tries to walk, dress, and play like him. If the major leaguer wears his hat with a flat bill, so does the kid. If he puts black under his eye, so does the kid. If he sleeps with his bat, so does the kid.
When we respect someone’s skill, ability, or knowledge, we allow them to change how we think, believe, or act. Healthy couples deeply influence one another in every area of life. Consider these questions:
Are you influenced by your spouse?
How has your spouse made you a better man or woman?
How has your spouse positively affected you as a parent?
How does your spouse assist your career?
What is a daily habit you formed because of your spouse?
What is something you have stopped because your spouse showed you a better way?
Good partners influence one another. That influence is a by-product of respect.
Smash the Cake If You Wish
It’s not the average phone call that I receive. “Is it okay if I smash cake in my wife’s face?” he asked. He explained how he and his fiancée had read about my wedding cake prediction technique and were disappointed. They wanted a good marriage, but they also wanted to have a royal battle when cutting their wedding cake.
I laughed and asked him, “Are you serious?”
He said, “Yes.”
“Then smash it,” I said. “As long as you have talked about it, are certain what the other person wants, and are on the same page, it doesn’t matter what you do.”
The issue isn’t the cake. If two people want to put on a show for those in attendance, they can battle it out. Even as they are shoving icing up their noses, they can show respect for one another. Similarly, another couple can kindly exchange cake, all the while masking a complete lack of respect for each other. Predicting divorce based on a wedding cake exchange is silly. It’s an officiate’s game played to break the monotony of overseeing wedding after wedding. It is probably as predictable as monkeys picking stocks or puppies picking the winner of the Super Bowl.
But the premise isn’t silly. What I saw years ago, I’ve seen in many weddings since. Beyond the cake exchange, I regularly see couples interacting in a way that reveals the absence of respect between them—an expert giving a speech who mocks his wife in exchange for an easy laugh; the woman in the stands who belittles her husband in order to get sympathy from her friends; the man who always answers his phone no matter what the situation, except when his wife is calling.
Disrespect reveals itself in subtle ways. It is often easier to see it in others than ourselves. But respect is vital. Without it, a couple cannot develop a true partnership. Respect for my wife causes me to trust her ability to hold up her end of the relationship and reminds me of her worthiness, which helps me do the work necessary to hold up my end. Where respect is absent, individuals find their spouses neither able nor worthy. Where it is present, both ability and value are held in high esteem.
BE INTENTIONAL