11
The Appeal of Easy Sex
Of the three elements of a healthy marriage—friend, partner, and lover—friendship is the most important. Everything flows from it. But the unique aspect of a marriage is the intimate relationship between husband and wife.
In the best of scenarios, a healthy couple will have many meaningful friendships. They will be partners with a variety of people. But they should have physical intimacy with only one person. Sex is a unique connection meant for husband and wife.
Being lovers is about more than just sex. It is an erotic dance happening between two people that intertwines with every aspect of their relationship. Sex is the key element of the dance, but it isn’t the only one.
Intimacy between two people adds a critical third element to a marriage. Friendship is two people walking hand in hand, side by side, through life. As friends, you always know someone is by your side. Partnership is two people living life back-to-back, always scanning the horizon for potential threats or opportunities. As partners, you always know someone has your back. Lovers are two people standing face-to-face, looking each other in the eye. As lovers, you always know someone sees you and loves you.
The intimate side of a marriage relationship can be a deeply meaningful aspect of life. Feeling cherished, valued, desired, and loved can assist a person in becoming fully alive. Yet because of shame, guilt, insecurity, and the evil potential of humanity, this aspect of marriage is fraught with peril.
Whenever I speak with couples before their wedding, I try to get an idea of what their expectations are for the relationship. Expectations often determine outcomes. With the right expectations, a couple can navigate the marital relationship with great success. With the wrong ones, even the best of relationships will struggle.
A Misconception about Married Sex
The biggest misconception young couples have of marriage is that sex will be easy. We want sex to be easy. We assume it should be so. Attraction is easy. As soon as hormones kick in, a child begins their journey to adulthood, and it is no struggle to be attracted to someone. It’s exciting and enjoyable.
The culmination of attraction is a sexual encounter, and we assume that something that begins without effort will continue without effort. Yet nothing could be further from the truth. Great sex is rarely easy.
It might begin easily. For most, the sexual relationship in the first year of marriage is not difficult. It happens frequently and without much complication. But give it some time. Add children. Expand work responsibilities. Go through a few arguments. Hold a few grudges. Watch your vulnerability be tried and then questioned, and your expectations unmet.
It feels as though it shouldn’t be that way. Many years ago I lay in bed and told my wife that I understood the appeal of prostitution. She nervously laughed and said, “Oh really?”
I replied, “You’ve served people all day long. You worked all day to help others with what they needed. You came home, cooked dinner, played with the kids, and served our family. I’ve done the same. All day long I was giving of myself to help other people. Now, fourteen hours after we got up, the day is almost done and we are trying to have sex. How nice would it be not to have to give anymore and simply be served?”
She agreed. This is the appeal of sex in the movies. When we find sex far too complicated, we assume we are missing the key that will make it easy. At this point, ease is often offered in two ways—find someone who will do whatever I want and is solely about my pleasure, or submit myself to someone else so I don’t have to make any decisions.
Either way, that’s sex without the constraints of a mutually respectful and caring relationship. It removes the give-and-take dance of healthy sexuality. Either it exploits our pride and allows us to demean others, or it manipulates our insecurities and allows us to be used by others. Neither is the true intent of sex.
Sex is supposed to be an erotic interaction between two equals. It is the place where we can both be vulnerable and gain strength from each other. It is one area that on occasion can make us feel most alive, most like a man or a woman, and most connected with the person we love.
But it won’t every time. In fiction, sex appears easy, but real sex is much messier than we like it to be. It confronts our deepest insecurities and wounds. It tempts us with an easy love, only to leave us with complexity and difficulty. It lures us to trust but then causes us to question. It gives amplification to the voices in our heads saying, “You are not loveable” or “You are not worthy” or “Something is wrong with you.”
Sex in real life is so complex and personal that we often trade meaningful sex for a mirage. Pornography and prostitution promise sex without emotional demands, and sex outside of marriage promises the physical experience without any responsibilities. But they are all a mirage of the real thing. They never fully provide what they promise.
I understand the appeal of easy sex. Life is difficult enough—shouldn’t something be easy? Maybe, but sex isn’t that something. It challenges us and tests our relationship. Because it is one of the best things about marriage, it is also one of the more frustrating elements.
Resist the temptation toward easy sex. Have the courage and wisdom to know real sex is more complicated than what you read in fiction. But it’s worth it.
The Key to Married Sex
Because sex is complicated, difficult, and emotionally charged, it is vital that a couple develop the ability to talk about the subject in a safe, caring, open, and productive way. A couple who can have a good conversation about sex can develop a healthy sex life. A couple who cannot safely discuss it might have occasionally good sex, but rarely will they develop a healthy sex life. Too many things will be left unsaid—likes, desires, dislikes, and fears. When a couple cannot discuss sex without feeling ashamed, guilty, insecure, attacked, or unheard, they are unlikely to have their own needs met or to meet the other person’s needs.
And yet we do talk about sex. We are quick to communicate about the topic over lunch, in locker rooms, or at the office. We will talk to our friends, but not our spouse.
Couples who fail to communicate well about sex usually hold one of three mindsets:
- Good sex should happen naturally. There is no need to talk since everyone knows how to have sex. If sex isn’t going well for a couple, they assume the problem is their spouse, not their lack of communication.
- Good people don’t discuss sex. Believing sex is bad and dirty, they get embarrassed to talk about the act.
- Talking about sex isn’t worth the risk of rejection. When a discussion about sex doesn’t go well, the temptation is not to broach the topic again. If a conversation goes poorly, it can result in a fight or in feelings of deep hurt.
The answer to these three mindsets is humility, truth, and mercy. These elements that characterize a good partnership now enhance our intimacy. Humility recognizes that we don’t know everything and we all need to learn. Truth recognizes that sex is an important part of every good marriage, but because of the frailty of humanity, we will all struggle with certain aspects of it. Every couple will have to work through sexual problems—that’s part of being married. Mercy gives us extreme patience and kindness with ourselves and our spouse when discussing difficult topics.
With humility, truth, and mercy, couples can learn how to talk to one another about sex. This is never just one conversation; it is ongoing through the life of your marriage, including discussions about insecurities, expectations, turn-ons, turnoffs, fears, and fantasies. It’s only by discussing these topics that we can learn how to bring pleasure to one another.
Yet there is one time that couples should not talk about sex. A good conversation about it should happen over dinner or on a walk or just before sex or well after sex, but it should not happen at the time or place you normally have sex.
While it’s okay to give helpful suggestions during sex (“yes,” “no,” “more,” “here,” etc.), it is not productive to have an in-depth discussion during sex. Conversations about the topic can be difficult. They need to happen in the safety of a loving relationship and outside the atmosphere of expectation.
Consider a pair of ice dancers or a Hall of Fame quarterback and his best wide receiver. Both partners experience success only to the level that they can communicate about a game plan and be open with one another about what is happening. They read one another’s body language and might give a brief command, but they don’t talk when they are performing. They talk before and after, but not during. As it is with ice dancers and football players, so it should be with couples. Talk about sex in practice, but don’t talk about it during the game.
Healthy couples talk about sex. There is nothing off-limits when it comes to conversation. Unhealthy couples don’t talk about it. They are overconfident, afraid, or gun-shy.
The best way for a couple to improve their sex life is to have an ongoing conversation. When was the last time you had a meaningful discussion with your spouse about sex? How about now?
Stereotypes and Generalizations
I’m often hesitant to write or speak about sex because I do so in generalities, always aware there are specific situations in which my words may not apply. They are proverbial truth, not absolute law.
In most relationships, a man has a higher sex drive than a woman. Often the statistic of 70 percent is given. So in most marriages, the guy wants more sex than the woman. Whenever I write about sex, I often keep that generalization in mind. But I’m very aware that even as I encourage women to have more sex with their husbands, some women who would love for that to happen are in the 30 percent group who have a higher sex drive than their husband. It’s the husband who needs to heed the advice, not the wife.
In other scenarios, a wife might be in an abusive relationship, read my advice, and feel guilt for not wanting to sleep with her husband. While I would never tell her to have sex with someone who abuses her, because I write with generalizations in mind, the words can be confused.
Like all words, but especially when they are about sex, these chapters need to be read with serious discernment. I’m writing to a generally healthy couple who could use a little advice for improvement. If there is a history of sexual abuse or a present addiction or some other factors that set your relationship outside the general norm, read the following pages with discernment. Never use them to guilt your spouse or to demand some action. Be fair in looking at your own actions in comparison with the general truths we will cover. Because these are important issues, never hesitate to seek help from a professional counselor.
If I Could Tell Wives One Thing
Wives, you can spend the rest of your marriage trying to understand the importance of sex in the lives of men, especially your husband, but you will never fully get it. Even your husband can’t completely explain it. He likely views sex in a different way than you. He is not wrong, and neither are you. For a healthy sex life to develop, start by realizing it’s okay to feel differently than your husband about sex.
One of the questions I frequently receive from women is, “Is my husband a pervert?” My answer is always, “Well, that depends.” On some occasions, the answer is yes. Because of pornography, past abuse, or some other factor, the husband desires sexual activity that should be considered out-of-bounds. He wants to add another person or treat his spouse in a demeaning way, and that is a perversion of what sex is meant to be.
But in most situations, the answer is no. The husband simply views sex differently than his wife. If he has a natural desire for sex and his wife defines that as a perversion, it will not only be a hindrance to their sex life, but it will also attack his identity.
I’ve sat with many couples and heard the wife call her husband a pervert, so I ask why she labels him that way. While I agree with some women when I hear more of the story, many times I simply shake my head and say, “He is not a pervert; he is a man, and that is how a man views sex.”
A man’s desire for sex is healthy, and it can greatly enhance the marriage for both partners when it is appreciated and allowed to be properly expressed.
If I could tell wives one thing in regard to marriage, it would be to continually grow in appreciating the power of sex to the male mind, especially their husbands.
Sex is powerful. So powerful it will damage a relationship before marriage. As I often tell single women, do not sleep with a man until he is willing to die for you. When men engage in premarital sex, they cannot think clearly enough to make the best decision regarding marriage. Sex is so powerful it clouds their ability to make a rational decision. When sex is present before marriage, some men delay marriage because they are already getting some of the privileges of being married without any of the responsibility. Other men get married but lose their sense of discernment because sex causes them to minimize other differences.
Men often feel intimacy through sex. While many women have sex as a result of intimacy, many men feel intimacy because of sex. Every time you hear your husband talk about sex, realize he is also talking about intimacy, though it may not be intimacy the way you think of it (and remember, neither viewpoint is better than the other). This small switch in thinking can greatly change many marriages. “All he wants is sex,” I often hear. “All he wants is you,” I often tell women in reply. “That is a compliment, and you should take it as such.”
When you reject sex, your husband feels like you are rejecting him. I’m not saying you are. I’m not saying this is right. I am simply saying how it most often feels to him. To reject sex feels impersonal to you but feels very personal to a man. Yet you should still have a right to reject it. This is one reason I created the twenty-four-hour rule. It gives the wife the ability to reject sex but gives the husband a set time frame within which sex will occur. “Not now” is given a time limit. I’ve yet to meet a man who dislikes the twenty-four-hour rule. (For more on this rule, see chapter 14.)
To the extent you make sex a priority, your husband will feel like you have made him a priority. On a regular basis, I meet women who claim their family is a top priority, but somehow their husband will not feel like part of that.
We do not have the right to tell our spouse what they can and cannot care about. Even if you don’t understand the sexual needs of your spouse, you still care about him. If he cares about it, you should too.
You are your husband’s only proper sexual outlet. This should be his boundary and your encouragement. When a man says “I do” to you, he is saying “I won’t” to every other woman on the planet. He needs to live by his vow. But you can recognize the magnitude of what he has promised. This doesn’t mean you should feel pressure to do everything he desires, but it should give you a great sense of responsibility for creating a regular opportunity for sex.
Sex is not everything. It’s not even the most important thing. Yet it is a vital component to a healthy marriage. When a wife ignores it, her husband feels ignored. When she makes an intentional effort to accept her husband’s viewpoint of sex, he feels heard, understood, and desired.
If I Could Tell Husbands One Thing
Many years into marriage, I was having a conversation with Jenny when I said, “Wives have it easy.”
She laughed and said, “How so?”
“Generally speaking, for a man to be happy, his wife only needs to focus on one thing. If that is right, most everything else will be right. I just wish there was one thing I could consistently do to make you happy.”
She gave me a serious look and said, “There is. Clean the kitchen.” For my wife, cleaning the kitchen is an act of service. When I serve her (and the family), she feels valued, supported, and a part of a team. This makes her heart come alive. When I fail to serve her, she feels used, isolated, and overlooked. This makes her heart die.
Nearly every couple who comes to me after the wife has had an affair has one thing in common—her heart slowly died. Men tend to have affairs for a variety of reasons, and many men have affairs in spite of having a good marriage. But if a woman has an affair, in nearly every case it is because her heart has slowly died. The affair happens at the end of the process, not the beginning.
If I could tell husbands one thing, it would be that they have a responsibility to engage the heart of their wife. What are her hopes? What are her lifelong dreams? What makes her feel valued? What words mean the most to her? What are the small actions that she values the most? What are the day-to-day chores that are wearing her out?
Husbands do not naturally understand the hearts of their wives. There is no way for us to. In the same way that women cannot naturally know their husbands, husbands cannot naturally know their wives. It takes communication, a willingness to share our true feelings, and trial and error.
This is the great pursuit of marriage: learning what our spouse’s deepest needs and desires are and trying to do our part to fulfill them. Ultimately a wife is in charge of her own heart, but she deserves a partner who will help her keep it fully alive. When a woman’s heart is fully alive, there is nothing in this world more beautiful.
For most women, sex is part of a larger pattern of feeling loved and valued, not a prerequisite. So when a marriage is working well, one partner needs sex to feel valued, and the other partner has sex when they feel valued. Both appreciate the differing perspective of their spouse and do everything in their power to meet the other’s needs. The man does not wait to honor, value, and serve his wife until he is sexually satisfied. He is diligent in understanding her needs even before his are met. At the same time, the woman does not wait to have sex until after she feels recognized and served. She seeks to meet her husband’s needs even before her own are met.
In this scenario, both spouses will feel loved, honored, and respected most of the time. They will also have more sex, both because he desires it and because the conditions will be right for her desire to grow. It is a situation that builds off their differences.
However, when a relationship is in an unhealthy spot, instead of the differences helping the marriage, they hinder it. The man refuses to do anything until his needs are met. The woman feels less attracted to sex because of his selfishness and refuses to meet his needs until she feels more valued and served. She therefore has sex with him less often, making him less likely to do the things she needs. The relationship can quickly become toxic.
Most relationships will have moments in which both of these scenarios happen. In an unhealthy relationship, the couple will never recognize the dynamic at work or do anything to change the climate. In a healthy relationship, they spend far more time in the first scenario, and when they digress into the second, one or both spouses recognize what is happening and stop it. They begin to serve one another, and the relationship returns back to where it is supposed to be.
Husbands and wives view sex differently, but that’s not the cause of frustration regarding sex. Frustration and fights are the result of couples either not being aware of the differences or refusing to appreciate how their spouse’s views about sex are different from their own.
BE INTENTIONAL
- Why do we assume sex should be easy? How do these assumptions hurt our intimacy?
- Can you and your spouse freely discuss sexual issues without shame or fear? What role does good communication play in a healthy sex life?
- How does your viewpoint of sex differ from that of your spouse? Is one right and the other wrong, or do you simply have different perspectives?
- How can you leverage your differences to become strengths?