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How to Have Great Sex
How can we have great sex? While there isn’t a single formula, there are many principles that make us better lovers.
The key to great sex is foreplay. Without it, every sexual encounter will be second rate. But foreplay is more than just what happens in the minutes before sex. It is everything that precedes the sexual encounter.
One evening, at a three-hour marriage seminar, I spoke primarily about the first section of this book—friendship. At the end of the evening the crowd submitted questions for a Q & A. One person was outraged. They wrote a lengthy introduction to their question, explaining how important sex is to marriage and how they couldn’t believe I would speak for three hours and never spend a serious amount of time on the topic. After the diatribe came the question: “What do you think is the biggest misconception about sex?”
My answer? “The biggest misconception about sex is that a three-hour talk about friendship in marriage is not a direct discussion about sex.”
It is foolish to attempt to segregate sex from the rest of life. The human mind doesn’t work that way. And few things influence sex as much as friendship. The greatest of lovers are the best of friends.
The best thing the average couple can do to assist their sex life is to nourish their friendship. Great friends have great sex.
Yet every aspect of life influences sex. When an individual or couple contacts me about their sex life, the first request I make of them is to get a physical. Health issues can easily influence our sex lives in a negative way. Then I ask what other struggles might be happening in their relationship. As long as there isn’t a physical issue, sex is rarely the problem. Because couples don’t realize that everything is foreplay, they assume they have a sexual problem. Most often the issue is something else.
The Greatest Aspect of Sex
In a healthy marriage, the greatest aspect of sex is giving pleasure. Nothing epitomizes the highest ideals of marriage as much as each spouse making their own desires secondary in an attempt to give pleasure to the other—and all within the security of a committed, lifelong relationship. That’s the highest ideal, but it’s not the norm.
In too many relationships, sex becomes the symptom of a broken relationship. Feelings are hurt; intentions are questioned; trust is destroyed; each partner begins to look out for themselves at the expense of the other. Consider the two contrasts: In one relationship each spouse submits their own desires to the desires of the other in hopes to give pleasure. In the other relationship each spouse demands their own desires at the expense of the other in hopes to get pleasure.
Paradoxically, when each spouse attempts to give pleasure rather than seek it, they both give it and receive it. When each spouse demands to receive pleasure rather than gives it, neither gives nor receives.
Submission is risky business. Whenever we put the well-being of another above ourselves, we run the risk of someone taking advantage of us, exploiting us, or taking us for granted. It’s a way of life no one should rush into. There is too much pain and evil in the world to quickly submit yourself to someone else. This type of relationship should only be pursued as trust is established and one’s heart has been fully shown.
Yet no sexual relationship should exist except one built on mutual submission. This is why sex works as it’s intended in marriage, but not outside of it. It’s only after a person is found worthy of me devoting my entire life to them that they should become the object of my sexual desire. Once trust is built and commitments are made, a couple can pursue a relationship in which sex becomes about giving pleasure to the other.
For some, even in marriage, that’s not the starting place. Often it’s about sex and our own pleasure. But just as we mature and grow as friends and partners, so too we mature and grow as lovers and begin to experience the joy of bringing pleasure to our spouse.
As we begin to fulfill our spouse’s desire, they can let down their guard and begin to submit their desire to ours. When both spouses make the pleasure of the other their highest goal, sex reaches a new level of intimacy and meaning. This should be the pursuit of every couple.
Don’t worry if you aren’t successful at this every time. No couple will ever fully arrive. If you think you have sex (or any aspect of marriage) figured out, something will happen to bring you back to earth. However, you can make progress. You can grow and mature in experience and understanding so that seeking the pleasure of the other is the highest goal.
Sadly, many couples never reach this level of sexual intimacy because they give up. Either they settle into a one-sided sexual relationship that ignores the pleasure of one spouse, or they devolve into a sexless marriage in which neither spouse is finding any satisfaction. This is an unacceptable outcome. Unless there is an unusual circumstance, a couple should never accept a sexless or “hardly any sex” relationship.
Notice the travesty of a sexless relationship. Not only is a spouse denied sexual pleasure, but they are also denied the greatest aspect of sex—giving pleasure to their spouse. When marriages do not focus on pleasing one another, they can only devolve into getting pleasure for self. The result is failed intimacy, selfishness, a lack of service, abuse, manipulation, and an absence of love.
But when a couple experiences the joys of pleasing one another sexually, not only does their intimacy grow, but that joy also ripples into every other area of life. It’s a funny thing about sex. After sex, I’m more likely to clean the kitchen, mow the yard, or watch the kids. I don’t intend to be more willing to do those things; I simply am more willing. The reason? Sex connects me with my wife, which causes my brain to think more about what would bring her pleasure. And sometimes my picking up the dirty clothes from around the bed brings her as much pleasure as anything that might happen in the bedroom.
While it should never be the intention, finding ways to please your spouse outside of the bedroom makes it more likely your spouse will find ways to please you in the bedroom. It’s not a quid pro quo; it’s simply the development of thoughtfulness and affection that influences every area of the relationship.
What Your Husband Wants from You in Bed
Wives, what does your husband want from you in bed? Nearly every couple I know fights about sex. When we are young and in love, it is impossible to imagine sex becoming a topic of tension. However, considering what sex involves, it makes perfect sense that it would be a common point of disagreement.
Nearly every couple has a partner who desires more sex and one who desires less.
Nothing we do makes us as vulnerable as what sex requires.
There is no area in which our mistakes or the abuses of others can injure us like sex.
We live in a culture that does not openly discuss or teach about sex.
We live in a culture that regularly gives the impression that everyone else is sexually satisfied.
Sex is influenced by our spiritual, emotional, physical, and mental problems.
When we consider these facts, it should never surprise us that we experience sexual tension within marriage. Whenever I speak with women, one of the most common questions I get is, “What does he want from me?”
It’s a question about sex, and it’s a good one. The answer is, “Different things for different men.” Because of past experiences, mistakes, foolish decisions, and/or abuse, many men want different things from their wives. But if a man is healthy—emotionally, spiritually, physically—his desire is always the same. He wants one thing from you in bed. You. Unhindered. Unencumbered. You.
The great temptation for wives is to give only part of themselves to their husbands, and rightfully so. We are broken people living in a broken world. Everyone is tempted to protect themselves, especially when it comes to sex—particularly women. Yet marriage is designed for one man and one woman to fully know each other in the marriage bed.
This can’t happen on the honeymoon. It takes time, effort, the building of trust, exploring vulnerabilities, learning to let go, and appreciating who God made you each to be both as a person and as a man or woman. It’s a journey full of failure and success. It’s such a personal journey that it should only take place in marriage. It’s too risky to attempt this process outside of the vows of commitment.
This is what a man wants—at least a healthy man. Unhealthy men might be motivated by other things. But healthy men simply want you.
Ask yourself the following questions:
- Is your husband reasonably healthy? No one is perfect. We are all broken in some ways. While his desires might not be the same as yours, are they unhealthy or just different? Is he fully committed to you? Is he faithful in a variety of areas as your husband? Is he growing emotionally, spiritually, and relationally?
- Are you giving him all of yourself? Are you holding back? Are you simply giving him part of you? Are you protecting your heart or soul out of fear or uneasiness? Are you hoping to do the minimum required? Or are you giving him the best you, the most energetic you, the most engaged you? Are you seeking to find satisfaction for yourself and your spouse?
If the answer to either of these primary questions is “no,” the two of you need to get help. If your husband isn’t healthy, you as his wife cannot trust him with your heart. He must begin to heal before you can give yourself to him. But if your husband is healthy and you aren’t giving him all of yourself, you need to get help. Explore what is holding you back, and take steps in giving your husband what he deserves—you.
Two Habits of Good Lovers
Good lovers consistently do two things outside of the bedroom that greatly influence what takes place inside the bedroom. They make frequent eye contact and routinely touch each other in a nonsexual way.
Unhealthy couples stop looking each other in the eye. Maybe it is shame. Maybe it is a feeling of contempt. Rarely is it a conscious decision. It just happens.
Regularly look each other in the eye. Doing so shows full attention when your spouse is speaking. It helps to ensure you understand what is happening in your spouse’s life. Communicate with just your eyes in crowded places. It is a reminder to your spouse that they are not alone—that someone is on their side, has their back, and sees them.
It is easy to forget the power of looking each other in the eye, but on occasion life will force the action and remind me of its effectiveness. Every time Jenny and I play a card game in which we are partners, I remember the power of eye contact. We can’t tell each other what cards we hold, but we work hard to read each other’s eyes.
Good lovers also touch each other far more often than the average couple. Yet the touch isn’t just sexual; it can also be a nonsexual touch that communicates love, support, and the simple message “I’m here for you.”
A wise spouse will intentionally touch their spouse every time they are near. Instead of stepping completely out of the way as you pass, gently touch each other. Hands should be drawn to one another. A simple touch as you sit together in a booth or in a car or on the couch can serve as a great reminder that you’re thinking of each other.
Touch is so powerful that it serves as a dangerous line for an inappropriate relationship. When two people who should not have a sexual relationship intentionally touch, they are on the fast track to crossing the ultimate line.
What can be used to hurt some relationships can be used to strengthen a marriage. Couples, especially men, can easily get out of the habit of touching except for sexual intent. But both sexes respond positively to nonsexual touch. Take one week and intentionally touch each other as many times as possible—make contact every time you pass one another, give a simple kiss whenever one leaves the house, hold hands while walking or watching TV. You’ll soon recognize the power of a simple touch.
While nonsexual touch is intended to communicate love without sexual intent, it deeply influences sexual encounters. Frequent nonsexual touch enhances sexual touch.
Learn How to Spice Up Your Marriage from an Adulterer
When people talk to me after an affair, I rarely hear them say the sex was bad. In nearly every case, the sex in an affair is great.
Nothing else is great—the lies, guilt, broken relationships, or ruined reputation. Yet the sex is. And how can it not be? It’s secretive, new, and adventurous. But great sex is not saved for adultery.
Ironically, many of the things that make adulterous sex great result from simple changes in our routine—and can be used to make married sex great.
Change in Location
Just a change in location can make the experience better. While a married couple should never risk illegal activity (e.g., don’t have sex in a public park), they can make an effort to have sex somewhere other than their bedroom. When was the last time you did that?
Daytime Sex
Most married couples get in a rut of having sex in the same place and at the same time. Generally, it is either the first or the last thing of the day. What about a rendezvous at other times to make things more interesting? What about a quickie, which is an important part of any sexual relationship? When was the last time you called your spouse for a lunch date at home?
Probably the most overlooked yet effective tool a married couple can use to spice up their sex life is flirting. Text messages, voice mails, emails, secret touches, and long gazes—all those are great ways to flirt with your spouse. Part of this communication should be about anticipating the next encounter. When was the last time you whispered in your spouse’s ear while in a crowded room?
Different Positions
I’m not sure why having an affair causes people to try things they normally wouldn’t, but I’ve sat through a number of uncomfortable conversations and heard one spouse say to the other, “But you would never try that with me.” Here is a definition of a sexual rut: having sex at the same time, in the same place, the same way nearly every time. If you are in a rut, change it up. Try something new. It might not be enjoyable, but it will communicate to your spouse you are willing to try. When was the last time you tried something new or revisited something from the past?
Initiative
Maybe you never initiate sex; maybe he is never romantic. It’s time to take “never” out of the sentence and start coming up with new ideas. Showing this initiative at home will often help prevent the need for you to show it elsewhere. When was the last time you went out of your way to initiate something with your spouse?
Sex in an affair may be good, but it’s not the best. The best sex happens in the midst of a committed, loving relationship over the course of a lifetime. However, this relationship takes work to maintain, and whenever we find ourselves in a rut, we need to do something about it.
There are not many things a married couple would want to emulate from those having an affair. But there are some things married couples should be doing and are not. By putting more energy into our married relationship, we can often prevent the desire for any other relationship.
How to Jump-Start Your Sex Life
When a couple desires to improve their sex life, one of the best exercises they can do is to take a purposed time of seclusion away from family and friends to focus on their physical relationship.
Most marriages begin with a honeymoon. Consider a couple waiting until marriage to experience the fullness of a physical relationship. After the ceremony, the groom whisks the bride away to a remote location where they establish an intimate relationship. The trip is not all about sex, but sex is by no means secondary. A couple leaves friends, families, and normal day-to-day expectations so they can focus on one another and freely connect on a deep level. Being away can create a more comfortable climate to explore the fullness of a sexual relationship.
This is a great way to start a marriage. It is also a great way to reinvigorate a marriage. When the routine of life and the pressures of raising a family begin to erode a couple’s intimacy, they need to take a “sexcation.” They need a time in which they are removed from friends, families, and the day-to-day expectations so they can focus on reconnecting on a physical level. The time shouldn’t be all about sex, but sex cannot be secondary.
Sitting in a restaurant, I overheard two women talking about an upcoming vacation. One of them said, “I hope he doesn’t expect sex every day.” Obviously I don’t know the woman’s story and it would be unfair to judge, but I did wonder, Is there ever a time when he should expect sex every day? What would be wrong with expecting a high number of sexual encounters for a specific time? Does she ever give him what he wants?
For some couples, any vacation will accomplish the goal of reconnecting in an intimate way. But for other couples, one of the spouses may not be as open to that, so a specific time needs to be planned. Not every vacation has to place a high value on sex, but there should be an occasional time in which a couple breaks from the routine of life to put a primary focus on their physical relationship.
Stop and consider: how does that thought make you feel?
If it excites you, call your spouse. If they feel the same way, start making plans to get away and enjoy one another. You don’t need an expensive location. The trip doesn’t have to be elaborate. It doesn’t have to last for a week. Just find a time, a place, and people to cover your normal responsibilities, and go have fun.
If it’s acceptable to you, find out how your spouse feels about it. If they are excited about the idea, then you should follow the same path as the previous point.
If it exhausts you, that’s understandable. Life is difficult enough; many people (especially women) cannot stand the thought of another expectation. Some spouses who have a lower sex drive do everything they can to keep their spouse satisfied, and making more effort can feel overwhelming. What you feel is reasonable, but if your spouse desires an extended time away, you should strongly consider it.
If it sickens you, there is a problem. Something beyond sex is wrong with the relationship. Maybe there is a lack of trust. Maybe other needs have gone unmet, so the idea of meeting your spouse’s needs is exhausting. Maybe you have never properly communicated about the issue. Maybe there is personal shame or guilt that sex brings to the surface. Maybe you have an inappropriate view of sex. Whatever it might be, if the thought of a few days alone with your spouse to focus on your physical relationship repulses you, something is wrong and you need to get help to fix it.
One warning: a sexcation is a good idea for a moderately healthy couple who could use some time alone to rekindle their physical intimacy. It’s not advisable for a couple who is deeply struggling with their marriage. A couple in trouble should seek counseling, but after significant improvements have been made, a sexcation can spur on even more growth.
BE INTENTIONAL
- Everything is foreplay. What can your spouse do outside the bedroom to better your experience inside the bedroom?
- How can you increase the number of times per day in which you touch your spouse in a nonsexual way and look them in the eye?
- Of the five suggestions—change in location, daytime sex, flirting, different positions, and initiative—which do you desire most from your spouse? Which does your spouse need most from you? How can you make that happen?
- What is preventing you from making the giving of pleasure the greatest aspect of your sex life?
- Where (and when) can you go to spend some meaningful time to get your sexual relationship back on track?