Whenever I perform a wedding, I wear two rings. It’s a form of professional courtesy. If the best man or maid of honor loses the rings, I can quickly insert my rings and keep the wedding going.
On my left hand is the ring my wife gave me when we married. As she made promises to me and I to her, we exchanged rings to symbolize our vows. As we did so, I had the thought that every time I touched my ring I would think about her. And so I have. No matter what is going on in my day—whether I’m on the phone with an irate church member or stressed over a decision—I touch the ring and am reminded that I’m not alone. I think of Jenny and it makes life better.
On my right hand is a ring I received from my paternal grandfather. On their first anniversary, my grandfather bought my grandmother a bracelet and a pair of earrings. When she died after many years of marriage, he had that jewelry made into a ring, which he wore every day after her death.
My grandfather died when I was a senior in high school. That morning my picture was in the paper, and as he was reading his hands began to swell—he was having a stroke. The story was told to me that he took the ring off, placed it on my picture, and eventually died.
Whenever I look at that ring, I’m reminded that I come from a legacy of love. What my wife and I are doing is not unique to us. We aren’t the first ones trying to live a lifetime of devotion to one another. Many have gone before us and have been successful. I imagine my grandparents had good days and bad days just like anyone else, yet they found a way to make their marriage work. We want to do the same.
I’m not sure how much my wedding ring costs. If someone wanted to pawn it they could probably get $100. Yet every year that passes, the ring becomes more valuable to me because of the memories and experiences I’ve shared with Jenny.
I’m not sure how much my grandfather’s ring would cost, but someone would have to kill me to find out. The ring has no monetary value to me because it is my only physical reminder of my grandparents and their love. In my mind it is priceless.
As I think about my marriage, I realize that we are living between two rings. The one on my left hand was given to me years ago, and every day it becomes more important. The one on my right hand is yet to be. A day will come in which either Jenny or I will die and our marriage will end.
But when that day comes, my prayer is that we will have left such a legacy of love that there will be some physical token our loved ones will desire to have to remember us by.
We come from a legacy of love, and we want to leave a legacy of love. In order to achieve that goal we must live every day between two rings. We remember the vows we made years ago, and we abide by them. We also look forward to the legacy we want to leave, and we make decisions that will enable that vision to become reality.
Marriages end when we forget the rings. They thrive when every day is spent in light of those two reminders.
Missing the Meaning of Marriage
Marriage isn’t everything. It’s important. It’s a major thing. But it isn’t everything.
We live in a day in which society is downplaying the importance of marriage. False stats are purported (hint: your chance of divorce is not 50 percent), definitions are changing, and the importance of a lifetime commitment is often mocked.
Many people undervalue marriage. This is why I spend a lot of time writing about its importance, pleading for spouses to take it seriously, and highlighting the significance of holding marriage in high regard. To undervalue marriage is to devalue spouses, downplay the destruction a bad or broken marriage causes, and destroy any possibility of a healthy relationship.
There is an equal yet opposite mistake when it comes to marriage. It is to overvalue marriage—to exalt it above what it was created to be, to expect things from it that it can never give, or to assume it is the answer to life’s greatest questions or needs.
In a response to some who undervalue marriage, others overvalue it. The intention is good. Seeing the destruction that comes from broken relationships and desiring to see people live out their commitments, the church is tempted to overstate the importance of marriage. The hope is that by making marriage sound even more important than it is, people will do a better job to live out their vows.
Sadly, overvaluing marriage does not empower people to do better. It actually has an opposite effect. Instead of helping marriages, it hinders them, creating a standard that no relationship can attain.
Marriage is meant to be a deeply meaningful relationship. Yet it’s not supposed to be a person’s only relationship; it doesn’t have to be dramatically more refreshing than every other friendship.
Marriage demands more time and energy, but it shouldn’t demand all our time and energy. As friends, partners, and lovers, we give time to our spouse and support their dreams, and they support ours. And so marriage can be a tremendous source of joy and satisfaction. Yet it isn’t the only source. A person can live an extremely fulfilling life having never been married. There are many advantages to the single life and many reasons why a person would choose to refuse marriage.
When I think about my seven-year-old, I hope he grows up to experience marriage and fatherhood. I hope he commits his life to being a good and faithful husband. I want him to experience a close connection with someone in the same way I do with my wife.
Yet I have more dreams for him as well. And if my hope for him to one day be married is not his desire, that would never mean his life is less than mine. It would simply mean it’s different in some ways.
Marriage is a foundational part of society that many will enjoy. Those who choose to make the commitment should work diligently at the relationship and greatly appreciate the opportunity to share life with another. However, we cannot expect more from marriage than it can provide. Marriage is wonderful, but it’s not everything.
I May Not Be Married Tomorrow
I might be single tomorrow. I’m not planning on it. I hope it doesn’t happen. But it could. If there is any guarantee in life, it is that we do not know what might happen tomorrow. All of us are one moment away from life being flipped upside down:
The parent of an honors student is one phone call away from being the parent of a special needs child.
The successful businessperson is one situation away from being bankrupt.
The perfect house is one storm away from being a pasture.
Life can change in an instant. And never does someone say, “I saw that coming.”
So many times I’ve sat with families or individuals in emergency rooms, funeral homes, courtrooms, and their living rooms, watching them try to come to grips with a dramatic change in life. What I’ve seen happen to others could easily happen to me.
My marriage could end tomorrow. With one tragedy, my wife or I could be left to live this life without the other. This fact should result in one response: radical gratitude.
Because we are not promised tomorrow, we should deeply appreciate today. Today is not perfect. There are many things we are working to improve. We still have goals to accomplish, dreams to chase, and weaknesses to improve. But today is good.
And today we have each other. We have a life we love. We recognize this day as a gift, and we do not take it for granted. It’s a dangerous trap to believe we have forever. We don’t. No one does.
When we fail to see how fleeting this season of life is, we miss the joy and goodness of the moment. It’s so easy to long for yesterday or hope for tomorrow that we lose sight of the unique blessedness of today.
This is true in every area of life, but it is especially true in marriage. What if this was your last day to be married? What if tomorrow you or your spouse were gone? How would that change today?
Is there a grudge that would be released?
Is there a love that would be rekindled?
Is there an unsaid word that would finally be said?
Would you hold each other a little longer?
Would you make sure not to leave the house without a good-bye kiss?
Would you call or text in the middle of the day just to check in?
Would you put each other higher on the priority list?
Would you make sure nothing stands in your way of communicating your love?
We can’t live every day like it’s our last. It sounds appealing, but it’s not realistic. We can, however, regularly remind ourselves that we are not promised tomorrow. We can pause during the hurry and stress of the average day and remember that life is fleeting, each moment is a gift, and tomorrow we may not have those who are most dear to us today.
Fifteen years ago, I stood in my in-laws’ front yard before a hundred friends and wiped a tear from my eye as Jenny walked down the aisle toward me. Ten minutes later we were married, and fifteen years later I love her more than I was capable of loving her then.
We hope for another fifty or sixty years together. But a day will come when we will not be married any longer. We can deny the fact and assume life will go on forever. In so doing, we will take much for granted and miss many opportunities. We can live in despair of the fact and be depressed, because nothing in life is guaranteed. But the only wise thing to do is recognize the truth and respond to this day with radical gratitude.
That’s what I feel in this moment—for my wife, for this life, for what God has given me.