THE MAN CLOSED HIS apartment door and entered the cool morning. He stretched his legs and twirled his arms in three clockwise circles. The man took a deep breath, put on his hoodie, and then started on his run. He turned left on Hurlbut Street toward Pasadena Avenue and then turned left again. The man let his legs stretch out in long strides as his muscles slowly warmed up. Running cleared his mind, made him feel whole. Today, his arms and legs moved as they should, as part of one machine that was created to function without a hitch, in perfect rhythm. This was not always the case, but this time, the man felt the kind of balance that calmed a desperate small voice in his head. His breathing grew heavy as his legs moved faster and faster in the cool morning. The man’s mind was free and clear as he ran and ran and ran.
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POTUS: |
Okay, so what ya got? |
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ESKANDARI: |
Um… |
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POTUS: |
Big picture. |
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ESKANDARI: |
Big picture, okay, overall, the polling looks to be… |
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VAN GELDEREN: |
Upward trend. |
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ESKANDARI: |
Upward trend, yes, overall. |
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LUNDGREN: |
[UNINTELLIGIBLE] |
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POTUS: |
How much? |
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LUNDGREN: |
One to two points, depending on which aggregate. |
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POTUS: |
One to two points? |
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ESKANDARI: |
The RealClearPolitics average has us up one point in the generic two weeks after you signed the bill. |
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TOMA: |
And FiveThirtyEight… Nate Silver… has us up two points on average. |
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POTUS: |
Fuck Nate Silver. |
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ESKANDARI: |
Right, er, CNN and the others put us someplace in between. |
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POTUS: |
That’s it? |
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ESKANDARI: |
Um… |
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POTUS: |
One to two points? |
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VAN GELDEREN: |
On average, depending on… |
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POTUS: |
We’re less than two fucking months from the midterms. |
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ESKANDARI: |
But the trend is upward… |
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POTUS: |
Less than two fucking months! You all said this bill would turbocharge our poll numbers. |
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TOMA: |
I don’t think we said “turbocharge…” |
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POTUS: |
Whatever the fuck you said. I do not want to be a goddamned lame duck with a Congress that’s going to block every motherfucking thing I do including my judicial picks. I need to keep both houses, and at least the Senate because—God forbid—Justice What’s-the-Fuck-His-Name goes ahead and dies on me. And then what are we going to fucking do when a new Senate that my party no longer controls gets their slimy hands on any nominee I send over? You know what’s going to happen! Nada, zilch, a big nothing because the new majority leader—who likely will be No-Chin Fuck-Face—won’t even let my nominees out of committee. You know that, I know that, my motherfucking shoes know that. So without the Senate to confirm my judges, who knows who’s going to be president after me, and there goes my goddamn legacy. |
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ESKANDARI: |
But the VP looks to be the only viable candidate after your second term ends. He’d continue your legacy. |
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POTUS: |
Ha! If I were a betting woman, it won’t be Vice President Shithead who’ll get our motherfucking party’s nomination, because voters in the primaries are stupider than fuck. If we don’t find a way to pump up our midterm poll numbers, I am royally fucked, and it will be your collective motherfucking fault! Fucked. Right. Up. My. Puckered. White. Ass. |
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LUNDGREN: |
There’s still time… |
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POTUS: |
There’s not a lot of fucking time. |
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ESKANDARI: |
We can hit the Sunday shows harder, and cable too. Social media, of course. |
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LUNDGREN: |
And maybe 60 Minutes. Certainly Fox News. And you did great in your first run with that Anderson Cooper interview. |
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POTUS: |
[UNINTELLIGIBLE] |
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VAN GELDEREN: |
Maybe get the vice president to do more… |
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POTUS: |
No, I don’t want Shithead out there on this. Did you see him on Meet the Press? A motherfucking disaster! He was sweating up a shitstorm. Looked like he was singlehandedly solving our drought the way he was gushing sweat everywhere, like Old Faithful! And he couldn’t get a goddamned word out straight, and then… |
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ESKANDARI: |
He wasn’t that bad… |
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POTUS: |
And then—and then—his fucking stutter broke loose and I couldn’t fucking understand a goddamned fucking word he was saying. No, Vice President Shithead stays on the sidelines on this one! |
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TOMA: |
There is an angle we haven’t pushed yet… |
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ESKANDARI: |
Right, the numbers look good on this… |
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POTUS: |
What? What angle? |
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VAN GELDEREN: |
We’ve already pushed the morality thing… |
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LUNDGREN: |
And the economic point… |
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POTUS: |
But? |
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ESKANDARI: |
We haven’t pushed hard, yet, on the law-and-order angle. |
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LUNDGREN: |
And our initial polling looks strong on that… |
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POTUS: |
How strong? |
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LUNDGREN: |
Kind of off the charts. |
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POTUS: |
Why the fuck have you been hiding this? |
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VAN GELDEREN: |
We didn’t have the numbers until yesterday. |
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ESKANDARI: |
Just came in last night… |
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POTUS: |
How do we push the law-and-order angle? I mean, it can’t be that hard, right? We have these fucking Frankensteins running amok, destroying America… |
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TOMA: |
You mean Frankenstein’s monsters. |
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POTUS: |
What? |
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TOMA: |
You said Frankensteins running amok, but Dr. Victor Frankenstein was—in the novel—the creator of the monster. Or maybe we should say “creature” rather than “monster”—it’s a less loaded term. |
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ESKANDARI: |
Dude, stop it… |
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TOMA: |
Anyway, as Professor Eileen M. Hunt explains in her seminal book, Artificial Life After Frankenstein, the doctor and his creation were quickly conflated under the sole moniker of “Frankenstein” in the many stage adaptations that immediately followed the novel’s publication in England and France, and that conflation has continued through today. |
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POTUS: |
What the fuck? |
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TOMA: |
It’s a common mistake, you know, erroneously using the term “Frankenstein” to refer to the creature rather than his creator. So to be correct, you really meant Frankenstein’s creatures running amok destroying America—since you were using the plural—but not Frankensteins running amok. |
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POTUS: |
What the fuck do I care? I mean, really. I don’t give a flying fuck. It’s a motherfucking monster named Frankenstein, okay? That’s what normal people think. |
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TOMA: |
But… |
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ESKANDARI: |
Toma, shut it. |
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LUNDGREN: |
Really, Toma, let it go. |
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TOMA: |
But… |
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POTUS: |
What was your goddamn major in college? English? |
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TOMA: |
Well, actually, yes. |
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POTUS: |
And look how far that got you. |
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TOMA: |
[UNINTELLIGIBLE] |
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POTUS: |
Someone tell me about the havoc being caused by these violent marauding Frankensteins! There has to be something! |
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LUNDGREN: |
Yes, right… |
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ESKANDARI: |
There have been some stories… |
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LUNDGREN: |
Police reports, here and there… |
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POTUS: |
Like what? What stories? |
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TOMA: |
Nothing totally solid, no arrests, yet… |
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POTUS: |
I don’t give a shit. What kind of stories? |
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LUNDGREN: |
A few shovings… |
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POTUS: |
Shovings? |
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ESKANDARI: |
You, know, stitchers getting a little rough with people… |
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POTUS: |
Rough? How rough? This could be good shit! |
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LUNDGREN: |
Like I said, a few shovings, you know, pushing… physical stuff… reacting to people who recognize them as stitchers… |
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POTUS: |
Physical stuff? |
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TOMA: |
Short fuse, quick to anger, that kind of stuff. |
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POTUS: |
Broken bones? Cracked skulls? |
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TOMA: |
No, just roughed-up folks, harsh words exchanged, pretty unpleasant. |
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POTUS: |
Shit. Can you imagine if someone died? |
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LUNDGREN: |
That would be bad… |
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POTUS: |
Our fucking numbers would go through the fucking roof! |
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TOMA: |
But no deaths yet. |
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LUNDGREN: |
No deaths, just shovings. |
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POTUS: |
Okay, okay, we can work with this. This is good shit. Make America safe again, am I right? It worked for my reelection, and it can work again for the midterms. I can’t continue my fight without keeping my majorities. That’s the message! |
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VAN GELDEREN: |
We can track down stories, maybe tape some interviews. |
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TOMA: |
Maybe get some cell phone video. |
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POTUS: |
Now we’re talking… |
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LUNDGREN: |
I have leads on a couple of law firms thinking about suing some of the larger reanimation companies. |
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POTUS: |
But I put them out of business with the law… |
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ESKANDARI: |
Most of them are just repurposing to other businesses. They still have piles of cash, not to mention insurance, and new patents that spun off of the reanimation technology. So if there’s still a chance of liability from some stitcher going ballistic and hurting someone, you know these plaintiff firms will file suit and get a boatload of television and influence any potential jury pool. Our party could be on the right side of this. |
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POTUS: |
Yes… |
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TOMA: |
There’s a three-year statute of limitations for damages caused by any of these stitchers. There haven’t been any lawsuits up until now—which is pretty shocking, really, considering how some people feel about stitchers. There really haven’t been any real problems, until recently, with those shovings. But maybe your signing the bill has the stitchers nervous. |
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POTUS: |
So now I’m to fucking blame? I was the one who offered the only goddamn fix! Everyone else started to love these motherfucking stitchers. Community meetings, handouts, unionization, college scholarships. And those college courses! Oh my fucking God! Reanimation studies popping up in California and New Mexico and motherfucking Arizona of all places. Everyone was falling for their sob story. Except me. I never liked them. I never trusted them. My son started dating one, but I put an end to that. It’s amazing how threatening to cut someone out of your will can bring about a little common sense, even to my loser son. So don’t lay this at my feet. I’m not to fucking blame because these stitchers are beginning to go off the rails. That’s not on me! I was the one who told the Senate and House to pass that anti-stitcher bill. And I was the one who signed it. I am not the problem. I am the solution! |
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ESKANDARI: |
No, no. Of course. We can spin it a different way. We can spin it as something that was bound to happen. And you could say I told you so. |
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TOMA: |
You know, if you play God, see what you get… |
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ESKANDARI: |
Law of unintended consequences… |
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POTUS: |
Okay, then we [UNINTELLIGIBLE] |
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VAN GELDEREN: |
Right, we can ride the law-and-order theme on the cable shows, maybe cut some commercials, and maybe we can write an op-ed for you about how you’ve made the country a safer place, and all that… |
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POTUS: |
Fucking right… |
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TOMA: |
This could really turbocharge the midterm polls… |
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POTUS: |
Fucking right… |
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ESKANDARI: |
We can start now… |
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TOMA: |
We can stop work on those other spots and focus on this. |
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POTUS: |
Go now. End of fucking meeting. Turbocharge our fucking numbers. And remember… |
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ESKANDARI: |
Remember? |
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POTUS: |
Keep our stuttering vice president shithead away from this. |
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ESKANDARI: |
Got it. |
—END OF TRANSCRIPT—