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DURING DINNER KANIA and Raven discussed her volunteer work at the animal shelter.
“I’ve always wanted a dog or two,” he said.
“I know. Right? Dogs rule.”
“They do indeed. I don’t have one because I live alone and travel a lot. What’s your excuse?”
She shrugged.
“Hmm. Hank not a dog lover?”
She shrugged again. “It’s not that he’s not a dog lover, it’s just that...”
“Yes? It’s just that...what?”
She met his gaze and surpassed amusement. “Okay. So he’s not a big dog lover.”
He arched a brow. “You do know that a man who doesn’t like dogs is likely to be a serial killer in the making and not a suitable husband. Right?”
She shook her head. “Raven Elkhorn. Do you have any idea how damned handsome and sexy you are when you’re just making shit up?”
“Who’s making shit up? It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a man in want of love for dogs must be in want of a divorce.”
She smiled, amused by his mangling of the quote from Pride and Prejudice. “Okay, Mr. Austen.”
He reached across the table to place his hand over hers. “Marry me and we can have a country house full of dogs...and kids.”
“You do know how old I am. Right?”
“There are all kinds of ways to have kids these days. We can explore them all.”
“Raven—”
He removed his hand from hers and held it up, palm outward. “That’s my last word on the subject until and unless you raise it.”
“Thank you.”
He looked at her barely touched food. “Not to your taste?”
“It’s fine, but what woman in her right mind would waste time eating when she could spend the meal feasting her eyes on you instead?”
He laughed. “That wine must be worth every penny of its outrageous price.”
She smiled. “Must be, handsome.”
“I don’t suppose you want to skip the show and—”
“You suppose right. No. I don’t want to skip the show.”
“I was just asking. Besides, we’ll have the rest of the night to ourselves.”
“Yes, Raven Elkhorn, we will.”
“Damn. Let’s go see the show.”
She found the show all the more enjoyable seeing it with Raven seated beside her, occasionally pressing his leg against hers or placing his hand on her thigh. “That was wonderful,” she said as they started the return drive.
“Was it?”
She frowned. “Didn’t you like it?”
“Not particularly, no. I’d much rather see an action movie than sit through a play.”
She cast a glance at his profile. “Thanks.”
“For what?”
“For getting the tickets and taking me.”
“No thanks necessary. There’s not much I wouldn’t do for you, cher.”
She sighed. “I’m sorry, Raven.”
“About?”
“That I didn’t...when I ended things with Braden...I was hurt and angry and...I never thought...I mean I know all the years you flirted with me. And I was flattered, but...”
“But what?”
“I don’t know. I guess...after Braden and I broke up—”
“You didn’t break up. You kicked his ass to the curb.”
She glowered at him and continued as if he hadn’t interrupted her. “After we broke up, you stopped flirting. And every time I saw you, you were on a mission to make me take him back. So I guess...I thought you just liked flirting with me when there was no chance of it ever coming to anything. And I was too hurt and raw to even want to think about putting myself in a position to see him again until I was ready to move on. When I was...you were nowhere around and Hank was. He was there when I really needed a man in my life.”
“Is that why you married him?”
“I married him because we fell in love. Why is that concept so difficult for you?”
He sighed. “Fine. There’s no point in litigating the past. The future, however, can be what we want it to be...what we make it.”
But what kind of future could they have at Hank’s expense and at the expense of her fast dwindling self-respect? Before she could respond, his phone rang. Hearing his mother’s name announced, she suppressed a sigh.
“I need to get this,” he said and told his smart speaker to put the call on speaker. “Mom. Hi. I have you on speakerphone. Is everything all right?”
“I’m fine, Raven. How are you?”
“Good.”
“Good? Are you really good?”
“Okay, maybe not good, but not bad.”
“How is Mrs. Johnson?”
“Mrs. Johnson?”
“Surely you remember Mrs. Johnson. She lived across the street from me.”
“Oh. Of course. I haven’t seen her, Mom.”
“You’re not staying at home?”
“No.”
“So how are the Martins? Braden’s nearest neighbors?”
“I’m staying with a friend.”
Kania tensed, uncomfortable hearing the conversation with his mother.
“Oh. A friend.”
“Yes, Mom, a friend.”
She sighed. “I just finished dinner with the boys and their families. Seneka and Shane. Braden is still away.”
“Yes. I know.”
“We had a lovely time. Seeing your brothers so happy and content, made me think of you. I want what your brothers have for you.”
“I know.”
“Any chance of that happening anytime soon?”
“I don’t know.”
“So this friend of yours...I know I made mistakes with Braden. Bad mistakes, but—”
“Mom, Bray is very happy with Neida.”
“I know he is. She’s a lovely woman.”
“Yes she is.”
“But then so was Kania. And I know she was his first choice. His first real love.”
“Yes, she was, but they’ve both moved on. I know Bray wouldn’t want you to beat yourself up over the past.” He paused and casted a quick look at her.
She nodded.
“And I’m sure Kania wouldn’t either.”
“I love Neida, but I wish I’d encouraged Braden to follow his heart with Kania. I somehow forgot that the heart wants what the heart wants. That’s a mistake I promise that I won’t make with you, Raven. I will love, embrace and welcome whoever you love.”
“Thank you, Mom. That means a lot to me.”
“Can you tell me something about your friend?”
Kania inhaled and tensed again.
“I will when there’s something to tell.”
“You said I’m on speakerphone. Are you with her now?”
“Yes, but I’m driving, Mom. Can I call you back tomorrow?”
“Yes. Assure her that she will receive the warmest of welcomes from me. Drive safely, Raven and know I love you.”
“I will and I love you too, Mom. Good night.”
Kania waited until the call disconnected before she released a relieved breath.
“You see? She has nothing but love for you, cheré.”
“I’m sure that love would sour if she knew we were sleeping together while I’m married to Hank.”
He sighed. “So divorce his ass. Problem solved.”
“You know, Elkhorn, I’m old enough to remember when you promised not to broach that subject again,” she reminded him.
He laughed. “My bad, but technically, you alluded to your marriage first. I just responded.”
“Always the damned double-talking lawyer,” she teased.
He shrugged. “Hey. Don’t knock it. Double-talking has stood me in good financial stead.”
She nodded. He’d probably already made as much if not more money in his career than her father had in his forty-year career in family law. Corporate attorneys of his caliber did not come cheap.
“It will allow me to take very good care of you financially.”
“Thanks to inheriting my dad, mother’s and her second husband estates, I can take care of myself.” She placed her hand on his thigh. “But I appreciate the thought.”
“So if I can’t bribe you with money, how can I get you to marry me?”
“Raven—”
“Okay. Just asking.”
They spent half an hour dancing in the moonlight at home before going to bed. To her surprise, he didn’t demur when she wanted to sleep in the guestroom. After undressing, they slipped into bed and made love. She clung to him and moaned with pleasure as he ejaculated inside her. Then she drifted to sleep with his body curled against her back.
She woke abruptly in the middle of the night to find him rocking her and asking if she were all right. “What happened?” She asked, confused.
“You had another nightmare.”
She inhaled slowly, realizing she was shaking. She brushed her cheek against his shoulder. “Did I say anything?”
He sighed. “It was about Hank walking in on us together.”
“And?”
He sighed again. “You swore you still loved him. Not me.”
She sucked in a breath and pulled away from him. “I’m sorry.”
He reached over to turn on the light on his side of the bed. “About?”
“I want to be with you. I do, but I can’t help feeling guilty and...” She wrapped her arms around her body. “What am I doing? He doesn’t deserve this.”
“Why do I feel that for every step forward you let me take, you take two away from me?”
She lifted the sheet to cover her breasts. “I want to be with you, but I feel like...a slut every time I let you touch me...knowing...believing that he’s being celebrate. He’s taking cold showers and I’m allowing and encouraging you to screw me senseless.”
“For the last damn time, divorce him.”
“I can’t.”
“I think you mean you won’t.”
“I took vows and—”
“Fuck your vows!” He snapped and suddenly slipped out of bed. “You think you’re the only one with a conscience? You think your self-esteem is the only one suffering? You think this is easy for me? It’s not, damn it. I know what we’re doing in wrong. And you know what? I can’t do it anymore.”
“What’s that supposed to me?”
“Whatever the fuck you want it too. I admit it. I screwed up royalty. I know you’re having nightmares because of our relationship. And you know what? So am I. We’re both having nightmares and neither of us are happy. So you know what? I’m done.” He picked up his clothes and left the bedroom.
She slipped back down in bed, waiting to hear the slam of the door as he left. After several minutes of silence, she lay in bed, clutching the sheet over her body. In the morning, they’d have to talk and she’d have to make up her damn mind what she wanted. No. She knew she wanted him, but wasn’t sure what she was prepared to do to keep him in her life.
And it was long past time for her to either do the right thing and divorce Hank or end her relationship with Raven.
* * *
KANIA WOKE WITH A FEELING of foreboding. The house was quiet and she just knew, even without looking around, that Raven had left. When she checked the closet and saw that his suitcase and garment bag were gone, she caught her breath.
She checked her phone. There was no message from him. It was as she went into the master bedroom to shower that she saw the envelop on the pillow. Her heart raced and her hands shook as she reached for it.
She had to take several deep breathes before she opened it.
<My darling cher cheré,
<I know I should say the things I’m writing in person. I’m ashamed and dismayed to discover what a coward I am. I can’t face you. Not after the disrespectful way I spoke to you this morning. And not knowing that you’re having nightmares because of my inability to behave like a decent man.
<I surrendered the keys to my heart the first time I saw you. And I have spent nearly every second since that moment aching for you and longing for some sign that you might love me too. I love you to depths and in ways I'm incapable of describing even to myself. That’s my only excuse for pressuring you into a relationship that has brought you so much pain and turmoil.
<I’ve spent years trying to fall out of love with you and into love with other women. It hasn’t worked. Like my father, I think I’m only capable of falling in love once. And that woman is and always will be you. I know you have a generous and loving spirit. But please don’t worry about me. I don’t expect to be happy, but I will learn to be content with whoever I end up with. However, I want so much more than contentment for you. I’ve accepted that fact that you love him and so I wish you peace, joy, love, and a long life of happiness with him.
<I’ve reconciled myself to the fact that it’s my resemblance to Braden that created an opening for me. It was wrong to trade on your lingering feelings for him. I should regret that I did, but I don’t because the brief interlude we shared was the highlight of my life. I will forever cherish the memory of our all too short time together.
<However, you have my solemn promise that I will do nothing more to interfere with your marriage. I won’t call, text, or seek out your company. And if we happen to meet again, I will accord you the respect due you as a married woman.
<To make this easier for both of us, please don’t contact me. I will not respond to any communication you make in a moment of weakness, since we both know you’d soon regret it. If, however, you find that you’re pregnant, I will, of course expect to hear from you. In that case, call my secretary and tell her you need to speak to me.
<I hope in time you can forgive my lack of honorable behavior with you and know that you have nothing for which you need reproach yourself. I took shameless advantage of your warm and compassionate nature, for which I accept full blame.
<If you ever have any doubt that you’re loved, don’t. While I’ve finally accepted the painful truth that the feeling isn’t mutual, you are my one true love. My wyanet. I am now, always have been, and always will be deeply in love you.
<I will take a great deal of comfort in the certainty that you will live long and love well with Hank without me around to interfere in your marriage.
<Until the day I die, my heart will remain,
<Yours, and Yours Alone,
<Raven>
She sucked in an aching breath and then a flood of tears streamed down at face. “Raven. Oh, God, Raven!”
She told herself he had done her a favor. It was over. Now she could work on regaining Hank’s trust and respect. And maybe in time, she could forgive herself.
She showered, dressed, and went to Church. After going home to change, she spent two hours at the animal shelter. After a light meal out, she returned home. As she reached in her undie drawer for a pair of panties, she saw a black jeweler’s box, along with a golden key, and another envelope addressed to Wyanet.
She opened the box to reveal an exquisite diamond solitaire engagement ring. There was a tiny inscription. I love you always. R.
She closed the box and looked at the key. It appeared to be solid gold about an inch high with a loop for a chain. She turned it over to read the inscription on the opposite side. All my love. R.
Clearly, he’d forgotten to take them when he left.
His leaving without giving her a chance to change his mind must be an answer to her prayer. She stared at the letter. It was best left unopened it. She could send it, along with the ring, and key to his LA office and ask them to forward it to him.
She got in bed, cried herself to sleep, and woke in the middle of the night. Without giving herself time to think, she went to the drawer and opened his second letter.
Like the first one, it was undated, so she wasn’t sure when he’d written it.
<My darling Kania,
<My father taught us a man should carefully guard the keys to his heart until he meets his one true love, his wyanet. For me, that is and always has been you. I know the feeling isn’t mutual, but I am so in love with you. And I wanted you to have this figurative key to my heart as a sign of my love and devotion.
<I know you can’t wear it any more than you can wear the ring. I know you can’t keep either one of them. But I had to give them to you anyway.
<Raven>
She got back in bed and lay with tears in her eyes until she finally fell asleep. In the morning, she’d devote herself to a new start with her marriage to Hank. And forget Raven.
* * *
“WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU do, Ray?”
Raven took several deep breathes before he could trust himself to respond to Braden’s angry question two days after making the painful decision to walk away from Kania. He could imagine Braden pacing angrily while Seneka sat quietly. He glared at his phone lying on a coffee table in Braden and Neida’s California living room. “I told you what I did. I left.”
“You mean you deserted her when she probably needed you most. Why the fuck did you start this shit if you weren’t prepared to see if through when things got rough?”
Raven suspected Braden’s anger was rooted in the fact that he knew he had hurt Kania by not proposing when he should have.
When he didn’t respond Barden sounded even angrier. “Why the fuck did you walk out on her?”
“I told you why, damn it. Weren’t you listening?”
“All I heard is you had your damned feelings hurt so you just walked out while she was asleep and left her to deal with the fallout by herself. That’s what—”
“What the fuck, Braden?” Seneka interrupted. “Get off his back and stop trying to make him atone for mistakes we all know you made with her.”
“That’s not what I’m doing, Neka.”
“Yeah, Braden. It is. You screwed up by not proposing when you knew how much she loved you. Now you’re flipping out on Ray because you were hoping he’d atone for your mistake.”
“No, Neka, Bray’s right,” Raven said, annoyed that his actions had put his brothers at odds. “I shouldn’t have left while she slept.”
“No, damn it, Ray, he’s not right. If he hadn’t screwed up with her we wouldn’t be having this conversation because she’d be our sister-in-law.”
And that did not help at all.
He heard Braden sigh after a long pause. “Neka’s right. I’m sorry, Ray. It’s just that the thought of how she must have felt when she woke up and found you gone, eats at me. I did that same shit with Neida and I know how much he hurt her. Go back.”
He shook his head. “I can’t.”
“Why not?”
The question from Seneka surprised him. “I didn’t leave because I wanted to. I left because she needed and wanted me to.”
“Did she ask you go leave?” Braden demanded.
“No, but—”
“Then go back. Believe me, if she wanted your ass gone, she’d tell you. Please. Go back.”
“I can’t. She didn’t ask me to leave, but I know how guilty she felt. Hell, I shared her guilt. And she was having nightmares...as was I. We both knew what we were doing was wrong.”
“How was walking out while she slept the solution to anything?”
“Because I couldn’t face her, damn it, Braden! Because of my pressuring her into a sexual relationship, she can’t sleep and feels ashamed going to church. And when I went with her, I felt like shit too. So I can only imagine how she felt. I can’t go back.
“What I need from you, Braden, is support. Not telling me how I screwed up. I already know that. Fuck you for making me feel even more like shit than I already do and—.”
“What the fuck, Ray? You’re not being fair,” Seneka interrupted. “You know that’s not what he intended.”
“No, Neka. I shouldn’t have allowed my concern for Kania to overshadow the fact that I’m his brother. My first duty is to him.”
“I don’t want you to take sides, Bray. I just don’t need...you have no idea how I feel right now.”
“I lost her too, Ray. So I kind of do.”
“But you fell in love again. I’m beginning to think that’s not going to happen for me. And damn it, I have tried to fall in love with other women. But I’ve never met one capable of making me forget her for more than a few hours.”
“All the more reason to go back.”
“I can’t, Neka. She’s made it clear she loves him and has no intentions or desire of divorcing him. I thought I could handle that, but I can’t. And neither can she. We needed to end it. I just feel...” He blew out a breath and raked his hands though his hair.
“Are you coming home, Ray?”
“Yes. I’m scheduled to fly home on Friday. I’d come sooner, but right now, I just can’t face Mom.”
“Autumn and I will run interference.”
Although she wouldn’t admit it, being the mother of her first grandchild had earned Autumn favorite daughter-in-law status. “Thanks, Neka, but I’m just going to stay here and clear my head. I just wanted to talk to you two. Now I need to call Shane.”
“Ray, I’m sorry,” Braden said. “I encouraged you both and now you’re both hurt and it’s partly my fault and—”
“No, Braden! None of what happened between us is your fault. None of it. We’re both grown ass adults who made our own decisions. I know she doesn’t blame you and I sure as hell don’t. So there’s no need for you to either. Just enjoy your vacation and try not to worry about me.”
“We can return early—”
“No. I want to be alone. I know you all love me, but right now, I just want to be alone to deal with this. Just...enjoy the hell of your family. And you do the same, Neka. When we’re all in Philly, we’ll get together.”
“If you change your mind, I’ll just a few hours away.”
“I know, Neka. Thanks. Give Mom my love and—”
“We’ll keep her as busy as possible,” Braden promised.
After ending the call with Braden and Seneka, he called Shane. Then he got dressed and went to have dinner at his partner’s house. When he returned, he swam until exhausted. Then he fell across the bed and slept.
In the morning, Raven woke to find that Kania had texted him, asking him to call her. Damn if he was going to allow her to play with his emotions. He knew how to contact him if she were pregnant. He spent the morning playing golf with clients, had lunch alone, and then had dinner with J.T.