Chapter Twenty-One

Dread spears me every time I think of Bas calling. Guilt for saying it was okay runs rampant. Excitement to hear his voice again, pokes at me over and over again no matter how hard I try to push it away. I don’t know what he wants to tell me. I can’t lie to myself anymore and say that Bas has no interest in me, or that I still think of him as an annoying jerk. What does it matter? Tanner is his best friend. Is he calling to tell me that regardless of what he might feel, it will never happen? Or has he decided it’s worth the risk? I collapse into bed completely unsure of which one would be worse to hear.

Sleep is nowhere to be found, big surprise. I toss and turn, alternating between clutching my phone and wanting to hurl it against the wall. The party was still going strong when we left, but how much longer could everyone possibly hang around? At one o’clock, I begin to doubt he will actually call. Maybe he chickened out or realized what a bad idea it would have been. Either way, it’s for the best, I’m sure.

I set my phone back on the nightstand and force myself to lie down and stop acting like a nutcase. He isn’t going to call, and that’s a good thing. I am halfway to regaining control of myself when the harsh sound of a vibrating phone jolts me back into total insecurity.

Picking it up, I don’t look at the caller ID. I can’t. Maybe it will be Tanner, I tell myself.

One eye peeks open.

Bas.

Maybe he’ll hang up or it will go to voicemail.

My finger moves of its own freewill, sliding across the screen and answering the call.

“Hello?”

If I don’t say anything, will he hang up?

“Arra?”

I can’t take it. “Bas?”

He doesn’t speak, but I can hear a rush of air as he sighs in relief. “I was worried you wouldn’t pick up.”

“I almost didn’t,” I say, so quiet it’s almost a whisper.

Even though I think he knows the answer, Bas asks, “Why not?”

I bite down on my lip almost hard enough to draw blood. “I don’t know. I’m scared, I guess.”

“Scared of what?”

“Of what you want to tell me.”

The sound of Bas’s breathing betrays his own nerves as it quickens. “What do you think I want to tell you?”

My hand presses over my mouth. I can’t say it. I don’t want to. Saying it makes it real. Hearing me say it, I’m terrified he’ll be able to hear in my voice that part of me wants him, wants to be near him.

“Arra, please say something,” Bas begs.

“You said you weren’t flirting with me at the field,” I say, the words sounding much harsher than I meant them to.

Bas’s breath catches. He seems to struggle with a response. “I wasn’t. I wasn’t trying to, I mean. I just …” I hear the thud of his phone dropping to the bed, seconds pass before he picks it back up. “I didn’t want you to know how I felt, but it’s hard to be around you and not look at you or touch you. I thought I could get away with it without you seeing through me.”

Bas laughs, but it’s a pitiful sound. “I guess I was good enough, because you didn’t have a clue. I can imagine I’m the last person you’d ever be interested in. But I wasn’t good enough to fool Tanner.”

I am equal parts scared and ecstatic at hearing Bas admit that he likes me.

When I don’t respond right away, he groans and says, “This was a mistake. Arra, I’m sorry.”

I know he is about to hang up. Words jump to my lips, slipping out before I can think properly. “I wasn’t completely blind. What I didn’t see certainly wasn’t because I didn’t feel anything when I was around you. It was because I convinced myself we saw each other a certain way, and that was it.” I take a deep breath and say something I never thought I would say. “Me fainting had nothing to do with being dehydrated.”

“It didn’t?” Bas asks, his voice full of emotion.

I close my eyes, not sure what I’m doing. “No.”

Bas doesn’t say anything. I know he is waiting for me to say more, to explain. I don’t know if I can, but I have to try. Everything has to be said so I can figure out what to do next.

“When we first met, I thought you were such an egotistical jerk.”

Bas laughs. “Rightly deserved, but in all fairness, that’s what I was going for.”

“What? Why?”

“I knew who you were the second I saw you. Tanner had told me all about you, sent me your picture. I was happy for him, but pictures and stories weren’t the same as meeting you in person.” Bas sighs. “I wasn’t prepared to feel this way about you. I wanted you from the second I first saw you in class, but I couldn’t do that to Tanner, so I used what he’d told me about you to push your buttons and make you hate me.”

“I never hated you,” I admit.

Bas draws in a ragged breath. “I hoped you didn’t.”

“There were times that you drove me up the wall, Bas, but then I would turn around and you would be talking to Sibeal and making her feel accepted and welcomed, or holding my hand through stitches, or saving us from a car crash. You couldn’t fool me all the time, and even though I tried to tell myself that the obnoxious Bas was who you really were, I knew that wasn’t true. There’s no way you could pretend to care about other people like you do or fake the compassion in your eyes.”

I sniff and blink back tears, cursing myself for being so weak. Bas takes the opportunity to ask me a question.

“Arra, did you ever, I mean, do you …” He breathes out slowly. “Admitting I’m not the jerk I tried to convince you I was is one thing, having real feelings for me is completely different. If you don’t, please just tell me. I’ll never bring it up again.”

My hand trembles against my lips as tears cascade over them. A sob breaks through my control and I know Bas hears it. His breathing changes. I can hear his anguish, and I want so badly to sooth it. I can’t resist the draw.

“I want to tell you no, that I never did and still don’t have feelings for you. It would be the right thing to do, maybe. It would mean not hurting Tanner, anyway.” My shoulders start shaking at the thought. “I don’t want to hurt you either, Bas. I can’t lie and say I don’t have feelings for you, because I do.”

The burst of happiness that flows through the phone from Bas is contagious. He laughs and I can’t stop myself from doing the same. The joy is short lived, though. Tanner crashes back into my mind.

“What are we doing?” I gasp.

Bas groans. “I don’t know.”

Neither one of us speaks, but oddly, it isn’t awkward. Somehow, it is comforting to know that we are both agonizing over our confessions. Hurting Tanner is the last thing either of us wants. Aside from that, I don’t know what I want. I care about Tanner so much. One fight doesn’t mean our relationship is over. I don’t want to give up on him, but then there’s Bas, silent on the other end of the line.

“Arra,” Bas says quietly, “do you love Tanner?”

Everything stops. My mind quits speeding through thought after thought. My hands stop twitching and my breathing slows. It is a question I have never asked myself before. Tanner was there for me over the summer when I needed someone the most. After escaping the curse, he was my introduction to a new life in this town, fun to be with, sweet and passionate, everything I wanted. But do I love him?

“I don’t know.”

It takes a while for Bas to respond. “Arra, you don’t have to decide anything. I’m not even asking you to make a decision. I just needed to know if I was killing myself for no reason. I won’t bring this up again until you ask me to.”

“But that’s not fair!” I complain.

Startled by my outburst, Bas asks, “What do you mean? I don’t want to pressure you into doing anything.”

“So you’re dumping everything in my lap?” This can’t just be me. I can’t decide what the right choice is. Everything is too messed up and muddled to even think about. “You can’t expect me to figure this out on my own.”

“Arra,” Bas begs, “I can’t tell you what I want you to do. I can’t tell you that I think about you constantly, that it kills me not to touch you when I’m near you. I can’t tell you that I don’t want you to be with Tanner. I can’t tell you that I want you to be with me because I’m so in love with you I can hardly stand it.”

Breathing becomes completely impossible. My voice is a whisper as I say, “You just did.”

For the second time tonight, Bas curses. “Arra, I…I’m so sorry.”

“You don’t have to be sorry for being honest, Bas.” Tears roll down my cheeks as his words replay in my mind. No one has ever been so frighteningly honest with me. “I’m…I’m glad you told me.”

“You are?”

Blowing out a long and unsteady breath, I say, “I’ve been having a hard time being around you lately, too. I was so confused most of the time. I didn’t know what I was feeling, and I had no idea what you wanted. Along with all this stuff with Sibeal, it was getting to be too much. At least I know now. Not that it makes this any easier …”

“No, it doesn’t.”

“I’d still rather know.”

Bas sighs. “This wasn’t how I pictured this going,” he laughs.

“Did you really think I would tell you that what you were feeling was all one sided?” I ask. Bas may be pretty good at fooling me, but I know my poker face sucks.

“I hoped not, but that’s not what I meant.”

“What did you mean?” I ask.

I can hear Bas shifting, maybe lying back against his pillow. I try not to think about what it would feel like to be there next to him. I try not to think about waking up with my arm around him tonight.

“I meant telling you that I’m in love with you. Over the phone. Blurting it out. Then swearing at you.” He groans. “How lame is that?”

“It was honest,” I say simply.

The muffled noise of sheets or blankets being moved around, sends a shiver through me. I slide under my own blankets as well, pulling them close and wishing I wasn’t alone right now.

“Bas, I wish I knew what to say to you right now.”

“You don’t have to say anything, Arra.”

My frustrated growl makes him laugh. “Would you stop interrupting me?”

“Sorry.” He laughs again.

“I don’t want you to think that I’m ignoring what you said. It was beautiful, and you have no idea how it makes me feel to hear you say that to me. I want to tell you everything I’m feeling right now, but I can’t.” The emotion welling up again makes me sniff. “I can’t because I don’t know what telling you will do. To me. To you. To Tanner. I need some time to think. Is that okay?”

Bas sighs and I can almost feel him reaching out to me. “Of course it’s okay, Arra. I’m sorry I’ve put you in this position. I don’t want to hurt Tanner. I would never be with you while you two were together. I couldn’t do that to him. I hope you know that’s not what I was suggesting at all. And even if you stopped dating, that wouldn’t be any easier. How could I ask you out when he’s hurting over losing you? Arra, I don’t know what to do either. I want you so much, but I don’t know how that can happen without someone getting hurt.”

“I don’t know either.” I don’t even know if I want to be with Bas instead of Tanner. I couldn’t answer Bas’s question about whether or not I loved Tanner. Answering the same question about Bas is just as difficult.

Could I imagine myself loving Bas? If Tanner and I stay together, will I love him? Will I love him more than I might love Bas?

My head hurts, but it’s not the most present pain. The ache in my heart is devastating. “Bas,” I say quietly, “I don’t think I can deal with this until after we help Sibeal, or stop her. I don’t even know anymore. Until then …”

“I won’t say or do anything,” Bas promises.

“Thank you.”

The silence that seeps through the phone line says more than our words ever could. It is calming, yet anxious, familiar and frightening. It is laden with everything left unsaid, but the hope and desire in our hearts that can’t be hidden.

“Goodnight, Bas.”

“Goodnight, Arra. I …” Bas sighs. “Goodnight.”

Bas ends the call, but I curl up under my blankets unable to think about anything other than his honesty and love.