Chapter 49

No Longer Mistress of Myself

I apologized, but even so, Cody ate his hamburger in silence. I tried to explain that I’d had a rough week, what with Candy’s disappearance, Babette’s death, and having to go onstage tonight with not enough rehearsal and a stuffed-up head (I still had hope for my broth concoction, but it hadn’t worked yet). Even as I said all that to my brother, I could sense an undercurrent of anxiety: I wasn’t happy about Cody’s new modeling career. Pretty sure he sensed it too, since he wouldn’t make eye contact and kept stabbing his french fries into the ketchup on his plate. I think he would have walked out on me if Sarah and Matt hadn’t been there. I was relieved to get to the theater.

I’d just finished my makeup and had stripped down to my underwear when Eden walked into my dressing room, carrying a roll of tan duct tape in one hand and jar of coconut oil in the other. “I noticed you were wearing a bra during rehearsal yesterday.”

“Yeah?”

“It shows too much under your costume.” Glinda’s mini dress was cut low in the front. I’d worn a nude bra, but I guessed it wasn’t nude enough.

“Dang. Do you want me to go without?” Though I wasn’t especially big-busted, I really didn’t like going braless on stage. I’d rather be perky than floppy.

“Candace did, but she had hardly anything on top anymore. I think you need a little definition, so…” She held up the roll of tape. “Duct tape to the rescue. You want some help?”

“Please.” I took off my bra and turned to face her, away from the mirror. “And did you know that duct tape’s real name is duck tape?” Eden shook her head, put the jar of coconut oil on the counter, and tore off a long strip of tape, which she anchored under one of my breasts. She pulled the tape up along the side of my breast and over my shoulder. “My Uncle Bob told me it was first used in World War II to keep ammo dry.” Eden taped another strip next to the first one, but on the inside so it just covered my nipple. “It worked really well, ‘like water off a duck’s back,’ so, duck tape.” Eden taped up the other breast. And now that I had greased the conversation with small talk, I said, “Can’t believe it about Babette.”

“I can.” Eden pushed one breast up and toward the center of my chest and ran a shorter piece of tape underneath it. “I think that bad people often come to bad ends.”

“I hear they think it was murder, and that it had to be someone close to her.”

Eden nodded and taped my other breast front and center.

“Do you think…” I needed to word this carefully. “Do you think Candy’s disappearance could have anything to do with Babette?”

Eden pulled in her lips, like she was thinking. “I can’t think of any obvious connection between Candace and Babette’s death, but I do think Babette may have had something to do with her disappearance. And the police did question me about Candace.”

My heart sank. I’d hoped the police had only talked to me about Candy because someone told them we were friends.

Eden eyed my cleavage, rearranged the tape, then said, “You’re good to go.” She motioned to the jar of coconut oil on the counter. “You can just rub this over the tape and onto your skin. It all comes off pretty easily.”

I turned to face the mirror. “Wow.” The tan duck tape ran underneath my breasts and up their sides, covering everything that needed covering, with an added benefit. Not only was I perky and in place, I looked like I’d had a boob job.

“You look great,” said Eden. “For now.”

“For now?”

“Yeah. You lose too much weight…” My stomach growled. Traitor. “And you’ll end up boob-less, like Candace.”

  

My stomach would not stop growling. Guess broth didn’t fill me up. It did make me have to pee, however, so I was nearly late for my first entrance. I didn’t make the same mistake for my second entrance. Nope, I made the mistake of not using the bathroom that time, so by the time I heard the musical intro to my song, I really had to go. Instead, I popped out of my bubble as gracefully as I could and gave it all I had. “I am spacey, oh so spacey. Yes, I’m spacey but pretty and nice.” My song made absolutely no sense to The Wizard’s plot line, but hadn’t been cut from the show due to popular demand (the song itself wasn’t really popular, but it had been made into the soundtrack for a viral video featuring sleepy kittens). “Plus I’m racy.” I tore off my long white chiffon skirt to reveal a Star-Trek-era miniskirt underneath. “And, no, vanity is not a vice.”

“La, la, la, la, luh, la, la, la,” sang the munchkins.

Oh no. I had to sneeze. And pee. Not a good combo.

“I feel groovy, oh so groovy, like a movie with Elvis Presley,” I sang.

Look at a light, I told myself. Look at a light, look at a light. Wow, they were bright.

“And so spacey...” I sang. I turned away from the stage lights, but now all I could see was a big spot in front of my eyes.

“Ow!” squealed a munchkin. Guess that squishy thing I felt underneath my go-go boot was his foot.

“Ack!” I said as I fell over him onto the throng of munchkins. Then, “Afloey!”

At least I didn’t pee on anyone.