Chapter Sixteen

A full day’s work hadn’t alleviated Hannah’s feelings of embarrassment and anger at all, even though she had managed to distract herself with endless tiny jobs at the shop. Everything she saw reminded her that she had a chance of losing this place, though, and when she finally closed up for the night, she sat behind the counter for a good fifteen minutes trying to pull herself together to drive home.

The meeting with the building owner had been useless. The woman was nice enough, but her own expenses had gone up, and they had a business looking to rent the space who was making a much better offer than what Hannah could pay. Hannah couldn’t meet it, so she was going to be out. Strictly business.

Losing this business wasn’t just going to mean losing her dream, but it would also put her employees out of work. She could keep things going through the holidays, but she couldn’t sign the lease for the new year. She’d have to close. Sitting just this side of Halloween, the next few months felt like a death march.

Once she finally got home, she ate some pasta while standing over the stove and drank half a bottle of wine while sprawled on the couch. Time to text Lori.

Lori showed up in a half hour, already in her pajamas with her hair wrapped in a silk scarf, curls spilling out the top like a pineapple.

“Bitch, this is gonna be about your fucked-up love life, isn’t it? I literally got out of bed for this.”

“Were you sleeping?” Hannah stepped aside to let her in.

“No, but I was watching a new show on Netflix, so it is just as important.” Lori flopped down on the couch.

“Thank you, and I love you. And I made popcorn.” She retrieved it from the kitchen table and brought it back to the living room along with the rest of the bottle of wine. “I’m a little bit drunk. I already drank half of this bottle.”

“Oh, so it’s definitely about your love life.”

“It’s actually not.” Hannah paused. “Well, it sort of is. It’s related.”

“All right.” Lori took the entire metal bowl into her lap and patted the spot on the couch beside her, then shoveled a handful of popcorn into her mouth. “Tell me all the stuff you’ve been hiding.”

Hannah sighed, and it sounded pretty dramatic once she had finished sighing.

“Is it about the workshop?”

Shit, the workshop felt like a lifetime ago instead of literally last night. “No. It’s not about that.” She sighed. “I’m about to lose my business.”

Lori fumbled the bowl. It slipped out of her hands and crashed down onto the floor, spilling popcorn all over the area rug. She let it lie. “What do you mean, you’re about to lose your business? I thought you did really well at the Fall Festival. You said you just needed a boost to pay off the marketing loan.”

“They’re raising my rent again with the new lease. I can’t sign it. I won’t be able to break even.”

Hannah suddenly felt tears well up in her eyes, and goddamn it, she was not going to cry. She tried to will herself to pull it together. Don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry. She tried to keep her expression neutral, but it wasn’t working, given Lori’s look of general concern that turned to mild horror.

“Stop doing that with your face. I don’t mind if you cry.” She got up, walked off to the bathroom, and returned with a box of tissues. “Did you talk to the building owner and try to renegotiate?”

Hannah nodded. Fuck, now she was really going to cry. She grabbed a tissue and let the tears come, hiccupping herself into some wet, gross sobs that normally she’d be mortified to let anyone hear. Her next words came out really muffled and teary.

“Give me another go at that, maybe after a deep breath or two.” Lori slid in closer and put her hand on Hannah’s back, rubbing it in slow circles. “So I take it that’s a no-go with the building owner?”

Hannah nodded. “She’s not budging. And I can’t find any places for rent in town that are within my price range. I’ve been looking every day, making calls, nothing.” Hannah’s lip trembled, but she was not going to cry again. “I just don’t see any other options.”

“What about investors, or a loan?” Lori asked. “Can you get some financial help from somebody else?”

“I don’t fucking want to do that!” Hannah saw Lori recoil, and yeah, she’d probably been too harsh there, but seriously, Lori needed to understand this. “I love you. But you’ve got to know this. All my life, I’ve been nothing. Nobody. I’ve been middle of the road, smart but not smart enough. I’ve done nothing noteworthy until I opened this business. And I did it myself. It was the first fucking thing I’ve ever done that I’ve been proud of. If somebody else has to bail me out, I can’t even be proud of that.”

Lori stared at her without blinking for a couple of moments, sizing her up. The silence in the room felt heavy and Hannah wasn’t sure where this was going to go, but she had said her piece and expressed the opinions that she had refrained from expressing out loud for a while.

When Lori did speak, her voice was calm. “Hannah. You know I love you. I’ve been by your side since college, I’ve watched you grow up and get this business, and work it, and you’ve watched me live my life, and we have both been there for each other, and you know. You know I am there for you. Right?”

Hannah nodded, still waiting for it.

“Then please know I speak from a place of love when I say that is the fucking stupidest thing I have ever heard you say.”

Hannah’s mouth fell open, but Lori wasn’t done.

“No, don’t talk.” She held up a hand. “You’ve said enough right now. You think you haven’t done anything impressive? You think you’re mediocre? Shit, you’re the least mediocre person I know. You’re hilarious, and smart, and kind, and resilient as fuck. You never stay down. And now you’re about to lose your goddamned business, and the most important thing to you is your independence? Like you aren’t anything if you aren’t a business owner alone? What good does it do if you fail?”

Her tears welled up again, a few slipping hot down her face. Lori handed her another tissue. “You think I can do anything without help? I’ve got my friends at the newspaper who edit my articles. I’ve got the therapists at the relationship center coaching me on my practice. I’ve got my doctoral adviser on my ass about this dissertation, helping me through it. I’ve taken loans, I’ve slept on couches, and I’ve never done a single damn thing without somebody there to lend me a hand. And am I ashamed of any of that? Fuck no. Because I still did it. Because sometimes the thing to be proudest of is knowing when you’re in over your head.” She took Hannah by the shoulders. “You need to get some help from somebody instead of trying to do all of this by yourself. What do you need? You need business partners? Maybe you can find a business partner.”

“Mitchell offered to give me money.” The words came out with the same sense of embarrassment and loathing as when she’d first heard his offer.

Lori pursed her lips. “How did you respond?”

“I said no. He came in all self-righteous, going through my paperwork, offering me a loan, like he’s God’s gift to business or something.” Hannah blew her nose.

“He went through your paperwork?” Lori looked aghast.

“No, not really,” Hannah amended. “It was an accident. He was moving some papers on the kitchen table and he saw stuff, I guess. But that doesn’t matter. You aren’t supposed to do business with people you’re close to. And it’s not even business. It’s just a handout. I don’t want to be in debt to them like that.” Hannah shuddered.

Lori frowned. “How did he take it when you told him no?”

“He was hurt. Stormed out of here.” Hannah sighed. “Told me that maybe we shouldn’t see each other at all if I can’t trust him.”

“Ouch.”

“Tell me about it.” She didn’t like to think about that. “And I was just thinking, hey, maybe there’s something here. Some potential for a good friendship.” She stared down into her wineglass.

Hannah looked back up to see Lori staring at her. “What?”

Lori wore disbelief on her face, her eyebrows raised and lips slightly parted. “Potential for friendship?”

“Yeah?” What was so weird about that? “I went to the polyamory workshop thing. I don’t want to get involved with all those feelings and emotions and relationships and bullshit. I want casual sex, no dating, no involvement, just like what we wanted at the beginning.”

Lori’s nostrils flared in her “God give me strength” expression. “I thought you liked hanging out with them.”

“I do like hanging out with them. That isn’t the issue.”

“But you just said…” Lori trailed off, then shook her head. “Never mind. So you went to this whole workshop on polyamory, which is all about loving more than one person, and decided you don’t want to love anyone. Got it.”

Hannah opened her mouth, then gave Lori a nasty glare as her brain caught up to the words she had heard. “Fuck you.”

Lori waved her hand dismissively. “Consider me fucked. Go on.”

“So anyway. I thought, hey, I can do emotionless sex. So I asked them back here. For some fun.”

“So you came out of the workshop and immediately asked them here for a threesome?” Lori’s eyebrow went up, arching loftily. She pursed her lips in what was clearly judgment. “Did you at least tell them your feelings first?”

“Well, sort of.” At Lori’s even more judgmental next expression, Hannah snapped, “What? What are you going to say?”

“Nothing. I am here to listen, not to judge your questionable life choices.” Lori took some more popcorn, retrieving the bowl from the floor with whatever was left in it. “At least I have snacks for this.”

“You know, you’re not being a very compassionate friend.”

Lori softened. “Okay. I’m sorry. I’m not going to make fun of you. Tell me more about what happened after you invited them here.”

Hannah remembered the way that they had moved together into her bedroom, shifting fluidly onto the bed, their hands on her. “They came over and we started to fool around. But then Mitchell freaked out and left. And then after he left, Ben said he couldn’t do it anymore, either, and he left, too. I just let them go. I watched them leave. I didn’t say anything.”

“And then…Mitchell came back?”

“This morning.” She nodded. “He left his wallet here. That’s when he saw the papers.”

“Right.” Lori nodded. “And then you threw him out for trying to give you money.” When Hannah opened her mouth to retort, Lori held up a hand. “I know, I know. Your reasons are fair.”

“I just feel like everything is a mess right now.” Hannah shoved the popcorn bowl over to Lori. “Get this away from me or I’m going to eat all of it.”

Lori shifted on the couch, stretching one pajama-clad leg along the front of it so her leg and foot just brushed Hannah’s. “You need a bigger couch.”

“This couch is fine. I live alone.”

“Do you like living alone?”

“Yes.” Hannah hated that question. “Why would you ask me that?”

Lori’s shrug was maddeningly self-satisfied. “I just thought you might want to have more frequent company.”

“Just…” Hannah looked up at the ceiling. “Lori. I love you. But fucking spit it out, okay? I’m not a relationship student of yours. I’m not in therapy. Tell me what you are thinking.”

“I think that you have gotten really used to having this emotional connection with these guys, and you’ve backed off and tried to make it just about sex, and they don’t like it and neither do you.”

“There is nothing wrong with emotionless sex.”

“No, there isn’t. But you’re not having emotionless sex.” Lori raised her eyebrows, daring Hannah to object, which she couldn’t do. “You’re hanging out with them. You like them, it’s intimate, blah, blah. So clearly it’s not going to be as fun to back away from that. You were never having emotionless sex, so you’re trying to take the fun sex you were actually having and take away, what? Half of what was fun about it?”

Hannah shook her head. “I don’t want to be in a relationship. I definitely don’t want to be in two relationships!” She thought about what Kate and Walter had said, about how being in a triad involved an additional relationship with the three of them together. “Three relationships! If you count the triad, that’s an extra third relationship. Going from no relationships to three? That’s insane! How am I supposed to manage that?” Hannah pressed her hands to the side of her head. “God, Lori. What if I ruin everything? What if I let them in and they both break my heart? How am I supposed to deal with that?”

She wasn’t objecting to the right things anymore. Lori reached over and patted her back. “I’m not about to insult you by telling you what to do.”

“Thank you.”

“But I am gonna tell you that if you get chickenshit about this, you are gonna be unhappy about it for a long time.”

Hannah looked up, meeting Lori’s dark eyes with her own. She nodded, because Lori was right, like she was almost always right. Sighing, she reached for the bottle of wine.