I BLINKED at Carson. “Seriously? That’s what you’re worried about?”
“Hey, I’m not used to getting things pushed up my ass!”
I tilted my head to the side to inspect him more thoroughly. “You mean… you’re a butt-virgin?”
Carson clipped my ear before he turned his back to me and strode over to the door in fast, jerky steps. I hurried after him, grabbed his right arm, and whirled him around so he faced me. He wasn’t just red in the face; he was scarlet. The urge to mock him fled because when he gazed at me, his eyes conveyed hurt on a level that left me reeling.
Wincing, I intertwined our hands and held on. This was the guy who’d taken care of me ever since I left home at sixteen. He’d been the one to rock me for hours after I’d survived a horrible attack at the age of seventeen, and he’d been the one who kept me company as I drank myself into oblivion after my one and only serious boyfriend dumped me for someone else.
I swallowed against the lump in my throat. Way to treat my best friend!
“I’m sorry,” I said quietly. “It’s just… I’m not entirely sure what you’re afraid of.”
Carson groaned and lifted his hand. I hastily drew my head back several inches. “No clipping my ear!”
“Wuss.”
I stuck out my tongue at him. Carson laughed, and the hurt expression decreased. “Have you never been afraid? The thought of having someone stick something up my ass alone is giving me the chills.”
I shrugged and towed him over to my bed. There we sat down next to each other. I clasped my hands between my legs and gave him a sideways glance. “I never really thought about it. I just went with the flow and it was all good for me.”
“Isn’t it… weird?”
“It depends.”
“On what?”
“Do you really want to talk to me about the size and girth of cocks, and how different it feels when they fuck me?” I asked.
Carson grimaced. “If it’s not absolutely necessary, no. I’ve got enough nightmares from the one time I untied you from that bench.”
Heat suffused my cheeks, and I averted my gaze. “You keep going on about that one incident.”
“The guy was over eight feet tall, his back was covered in poisoned thorns, and he was about to drink your blood. Do you really believe I’ll ever forget that?” Carson asked as a shudder ran through him.
“I didn’t know Flewts killed their sex partners,” I defended myself. I couldn’t thwart a shudder of my own. After my rescue, Carson had dumped me in a hot tub, and chewed my ears off for hours on end. He’d also allowed me to sleep in his bed the first couple of nights because I had the worst nightmares of my life.
“You’re a nutcase.”
I straightened up and smiled at him. “Niyara wouldn’t hurt you, and actually I think it’s easier to get a Nadisc tail stuck up your ass than a cock if you try this for the first time. The tail is thinner and the tip will expand only after it’s inside you.”
Carson blanched and licked his lips. “It expands?”
I nodded. “It does, and it’ll feel amazing once she starts tapping your prostate. Yikes! Now I have that image of Niyara and you, and it’s… oh God! I think I’m traumatized.”
Carson rapped his knuckles against my right temple, but he grinned. “See? Now you know how I feel all the time.”
“Eww! That sucks.”
He rolled his eyes, and we fell into a comfortable silence. When he broke it, he asked, “Will it hurt?”
“Maybe. It depends on you and her. Don’t tighten up, and even if it burns like hell at the beginning, just keep on breathing and relaxing.”
“Right. Breathing and relaxing,” Carson repeated. “Think I can convince her to not do the tail thing?”
“During sex?” I asked, flabbergasted. “That would be a resounding no.”
“I could try transferring to another ship. Like right now,” Carson mused.
I shook my head and slapped a hand on his thigh. “Get over yourself.”
“Get over myself?” he echoed. “How am I supposed to get over myself? All my previous partners have been petite women, and now….”
“Now you’ve got the hots for a Nadisc woman who’s stronger than you, demanding, and sexy, and you can’t get enough of her,” I recapped.
Carson’s shoulders slumped in defeat. “Why can’t I still be attracted to small, human women? This is confusing.”
I got to my feet and singsonged, “Carson is in love, Carson is in loo-oove!”
He bounded to his feet, and I raced toward the door. After opening it, I fled ahead of him, my mindset on reaching the elevator before him.
WHEN WE arrived on the landing deck, my good mood evaporated. There was nothing quite as sobering as seeing an assembly of dressed-up people wearing morose expressions because they’re going to say good-bye to crew members. Some glanced over at us, especially at me, and I stiffened. I curled my hands into fists, mostly to stop them from trembling. No need for anyone to see how I felt. I’d done what I could for my crew, hadn’t I?
“Berit, come on,” Carson murmured.
I followed him out of the elevator, all the while forcing myself to keep my head up, even though all I wanted was to bow it and get away from all those stares directed at us. My shoulders already ached from the way the tension coiled there, and I drew in a deep breath. It didn’t help; the tension didn’t ease up, not even a little.
Since I was the commander, I walked up to Baker and saluted. He saluted back, and I took up a position on his left, which gave me a view of everyone else. A sea of faces with a variety of expressions: impassiveness, anger, hurt, just to name a few. Rene, Grappler’s husband, stood close, and he twirled a white rose in his hands. He was fighting against tears; that much was obvious.
I jerked my gaze away from him because Baker started with his speech. I tuned out after only a few words because I’d break down into a sobbing mess if I didn’t. Baker had a knack with words that made you feel too much.
Some sniffles became audible, and I clenched my jaw tightly. I would not cry—not in front of everyone else, and especially not in front of those who put all the blame on me. Forcing air in and out of my lungs turned into work as the consequences of my failure knocked into me once again. So many dead, so many lives destroyed—all because I hadn’t managed to keep them alive.
We should’ve known what to expect on Ligador. I couldn’t get over the fact we went down there without any of the probes picking up on those war beasts. How was this possible? No one should’ve died that day, and no one would have if we’d been prepared, because no one would’ve set foot on Ligador. At least not without an exquisite arsenal of weapons.
The blaring of trumpets caused me to jump. My heart stuttered before it pounded painfully against my rib cage. Since we couldn’t send the bodies into space—not even part of them—Baker released us with a nod.
When I turned to leave as well, he addressed me. “Berit, I’d like to have a word.”
That sounded ominous. I nodded, and we waited until the others filed out of the landing deck. Niyara had discovered Carson, and her tail rested comfortably on his shoulder. He seemed so incredibly at ease with her at his side. How did he do it?
My lips curved upward when Tom marched over to us, covering the ground fast with his long strides. His dreadlocks bounced with every step, and the muscles in his arms flexed. I licked my suddenly dry lips. I’d been interested in a lot of men, Nadisc and other aliens, but never like I’d been in Tom. It was highly disconcerting.
Tom draped his tail around my shoulders when he reached us and pressed a gentle kiss on my temple. I barely suppressed a full-body shudder. Baker cleared his throat.
“I talked to HQ. They’re trying to dig up more information about the Tash’Ba breeding stations. Tom showed me Nadisc records in which some of the Tash’Bas’ conquests are described. We’ll stay in position here until Admiral Kringst joins us. We’ll put together more teams to explore the other planets in the system, and see if we can get clear readings on any of them.”
“I hope you’re not implying I’m supposed to lead one of those teams, sir. I’ll go down to Ligador,” I said.
Tom’s tail twitched on my shoulder. His voice got that gravelly tone to it that did things to my libido I’d rather not experience while standing next to Baker. “I’d like it better if you stayed here on the ship.”
As much as I wanted to retreat to my quarters, lie on my bed, and pull the covers over my head, I couldn’t do that. The thought of setting foot on Ligador was terrifying enough that I had to lock my knees, but I needed to go. Grappler, Flix, and all the others deserved that much respect. “So you said. I’m going to Ligador.”
Tom growled, and his frill spread slightly. Next to me, Baker sucked in a sharp breath. I grinned at him. “Never seen a Nadisc with a fully spread frill? It’s actually pretty. If you like, I’m sure I can rile him up enough to—”
I couldn’t even end my sentence before Tom’s frill whooshed into full size, accompanied by an intense hiss.
“Oops,” I said.
“Oops?” Baker said in a faint voice. “Berit, do you know what you’re doing?”
“Um, no?”
“No?”
I faked a nonchalant shrug, even though the skin on my back was already drenched in cold sweat. “No. I just figured he’s on our ship and he’d get into trouble if he hurt a commanding officer. Anyway, you’re permitting me to go back to Ligador, right?”
Baker nodded, his gaze still on Tom’s frill. “Yes, I told you that much before.”
Tom’s frill flapped, making an angry-sounding noise, like thin papers grinding against each other. It set my teeth on edge, but I refrained from looking over at him.
When Baker opened his mouth, I cut him off. “Please don’t start changing your mind and talking about my parents and the siblings I lost, okay? I’m not going to die down on Ligador. I have the big guy to protect me.”
As I patted Tom’s chest, he folded back his frill, which rustled in the surrounding silence. Tom stared at me with apparent interest in his eyes. Oh damn, I probably shouldn’t have talked about my family or admitted I needed him for protection.
Grimacing, I said to Baker, “Please don’t start with a guilt trip, okay? I’m already on one because of this fucked-up mission.”
Tom’s eyes softened, and the tip of his tail brushed along my cheek, a tingle trailing in its wake. Through gritted teeth, I asked, “Is that all?”
Baker clapped a hand on my shoulder. “This wasn’t your fault, Berit.”
So everyone kept saying. Why couldn’t I believe it?
I had no intention of arguing with Baker because we’d never agree. Averting my eyes, I waited until he withdrew his hand and said, my voice sounding rougher than usual, “I’d like to get some rest now.”