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The sunlight is insisting I wake up. The migraine pounding my temples and stabbing my eyes advises sleep. The rolling waves in my stomach suggest I should find the nearest loo. I roll over just in time to heave all over my lawn.
“Shit,” I splutter, and wipe my mouth on the back of my hand. This isn’t morning sickness. This is from the migraine pain. But what can I take? I’m p... Does it matter? I won’t be pregnant this time next week. The pills are tucked in a drawer upstairs. There’s no point taking them while I’m throwing up. They won’t work. So it’ll have to be later. Not tomorrow. That would be too much, not on Summer’s birthday. Tomorrow? To...fuck! Today!
It’s today! I pull out my phone to check the time—07:30 a.m. She’ll be up. She always is.
I force movement into my aching body, text Mum to tell her I’m coming to collect Summer, clean up the lawn, grab the fucking holdall and run up the stairs, throwing the pills and random clothing in before jumping in the car and racing to Mum’s.
––––––––
“Happy birthday!” I call loudly as Mum lets me in, barely looking at me. She must be disappointed she won’t get to spend much time with her granddaughter today.
“Muma!” Summer squeals. At least someone is happy to see me. I crouch down, opening my arms wide and praying to the paracetamol gods for a speedy recovery.
“Happy birthday, beautiful girl.”
“Fank-yow.” She beams as she flies at me, and I squeeze her tight.
“Now. Jump in. We’re off.” I jerk my head towards the front door with as wide a smile as I can produce.
“What about preschool?” Mum asks the floor.
“Not today. We’re going to celebrate!” I don’t have a bloody clue where this cheery chick has come from, but I hope she sticks around for the duration. She seems like she knows how to have fun.
Summer kisses her nan goodbye and I open the car, ushering her in excitedly. I strap her in and clunk the door. “Happy birthday, Summer!” Mum calls. I can hear the tears in her voice. If I had a heart left, I might even care.
“Are you ready, birthday girl?” I look at Summer in the rear-view mirror and she nods like a Churchill dog. “Great! Let’s go.”
“Where are we going, Muma?” Summer asks as I pull out into the road.
“To the seaside.”
“Oooh!” she squeals. “Is Mae coming twoo?”
Ouch!
“No, we’re going to have a special time. Just us.”
I glance at her again in the mirror. I can see her thinking, so I turn the radio on and up, ignoring the throbbing in my head. She does love a singalong.
––––––––
Three and a bit hours later, and we’ve arrived in sunny Suffolk. I follow the satnav’s every command and arrive at our holiday rental. It looks nice. Well-kept.
I pull to a stop outside the cottage, and reach for my phone and the email with the passcode to access the keys in the safety box. I memorise it and go to retrieve them. Summer jumps out too, dashing around like a cooped-up racehorse.
“Let’s go!” I open the door and hold it wide for her, as she runs in before scampering around from room to room and dashing up the stairs. “I’ve fownd my woom, Mum!”
“Okay!” I call back as I wander outside to the car for the holdall.
***
“I want the bue and geen won, pease.” Summer points up at the display of mermaid tails hanging in the beachside shop, bouncing up and down. The shop owner smiles kindly.
“Of course. You know, we have that one in adult sizes too,” she tells Summer with a wink.
Oh. Fuck. Off.
“Muma! We can be twins!” Summer squeals, bouncing twice as fast.
“Great!” I force a bright smile. Fucking great.
––––––––
When we make it to the beach, laden down with bodyboards, bucket and spade, beach ball and of course, a mermaid tail a piece, I’m done in. I could really use a nap.
Summer doesn’t know what a nap is.
“Can I put it on now?” she asks for the gazillionth time. I nod and flop onto the sand beside her discarded sundress with a huff. And realise I’m being a grump. My mess is hardly Summer’s fault, is it?
“Come here. I’ll help you.”
“I can do it.”
“I know you can. I just thought it’d be quicker.” I step out of my jeans, my swimwear underneath, and grab my own tail and sit to wiggle it up my legs. It’s a lot stretchier than it looks. I might even be able to walk in it. It actually feels quite nice. Slinky.
Summer pulls up her own tail and giggles, before turning around and around in circles in the sand. “Gorgeous,” I declare. “You’re the most beautiful mermaid I’ve ever met. Shall we take a photo?” She nods and dives for my jeans, knowing exactly where my phone will be, as I pull off my T-shirt to reveal the bikini top. Now I really look like a mermaid, according to Summer.
“I thought you were a real mermaid for a minute there!” I turn my head, searching for the owner of the voice. I roll my eyes, so not in the mood for this shit. I know that look.
“I’m pretty sure they’re widely acknowledged to be mythical creatures.”
“Not from where I’m standing.” I sigh and direct my attention to the water.
“Bring the board, Summer!” I call as Summer splashes out a bit further. She turns back and grabs it.
“I’m Rhys.”
“I’m not interested.” I really don’t care at this point if he thinks I’m rude. I just want the conversation ended. Now.
“Whoa! Are you always such a charmer, or is it me?”
“Summer? Are you hungry, sweet pea?” Three, two...And she’s right there, nodding and giving me big eyes.
“Me too. Let’s go grab some special birthday dinner!”
***
“So? How was your birthday?” I pull Summer closer and kiss her freshly washed hair as we sit in her bed, a finished storybook, which Summer found in one of the cupboards, on my lap.
“Gweat!”
“What was your favourite bit?” I ask, stifling a yawn. It’s barely 07:30 p.m., and I’m ready for bed myself.
“Being a mermaid! I cwan’t wait to tell Mae!”
Stab! I rub away the pain in my chest and force a bright smile.
“You’ll have lots to tell all your friends when we get home, won’t you?” I kiss her hair and swing my legs around, planting my feet on the floor.
“Yep.” Summer snuggles down, and I pull her sheets up higher as her eyes flutter closed.
“Good night, sweet pea. I love you.” I lean in and press my lips to her hair again, before turning around and heading straight for my bed.
I strip off my jeans and T-Shirt and fall onto the bed, not even bothering to get under the covers. I feel like my body has been hijacked, and there’s nothing for it but to give in and sleep for twelve hours straight.
––––––––
Darkness has enveloped the room. I can hear the ocean waves, crashing in the distance, as his lips brush mine, coaxing them into a kiss that leaves me aching in a different way. He moves over me, and my legs part, making space for his as his mouth and hands explore my body.
“Will,” I murmur and he groans, his fingertips inching closer to the waistband of my underwear, before he eases them down and off, and kisses and licks his way up my calf.
“I’m sorry, baby. I’m so sorry. I know I was an idiot.” His words are so quiet. Mumbled between kisses. “Please forgive me?” He nudges my legs wider and growls before plunging his tongue inside me. My lower back arches, and my fingers claw at the sheets as I writhe under his restraining hands on my hips. I know I should say something. That this isn’t...helping?
Oh! I jolt when he nips my clit, and circles mercilessly with the tip of his tongue.
“Can you forgive me, Eva?”
“Yes! Yes, please don’t stop.” Fuck it, we’ll talk in the morning. Or never? As long as he doesn’t bloody stop. When he slides two fingers inside me and moves them in and out, alternating between the slow pumping and a delicious come-hither motion, I don’t care what he’s done. What he said. What he thought. I don’t care. I just don’t want this to end. This is how we are together. This is how we should be.
I call out his name as he takes me higher. Closer. Hotter. And groan a long, drawn-out sound when pure ecstasy takes over. My breathing is short and sharp. My body is on fire. Will shifts and moves up, kissing a trail all the way to my breasts. “Ahh!” Bloody hell, that’s intense!
“You okay?” I swallow hard.
“Ye-yes, it’s just...sensitive.”
“Hmm. That could be fun.” He flicks his tongue over my hard nipple, and I cry out again. And when he slides inside me, I come instantly.
“Did you just...?” I nod, my eyes closed while I try to stay conscious as he rocks into me, causing sparks with every tiny movement. So, this is pregnant sex? Bloody hell!
“You’re so sensitive. Has it been a while, baby?”
“Yes!” I gulp. “And...I’m pregnant.” He stops moving...and I wait. And wait. I scrunch my eyes tight and slowly blink my heavy lids open.
The room is dark. I can hear the ocean waves still crashing in the distance; my body is on fire but I’m alone. I struggle upright, but there’s no sign of Will or anyone else.
Pregnant sex? Pregnant dreams is more like it. I slide under the sheets and throw myself down onto the mattress. Bloody hormones! Well, I know how to solve that problem. I throw my weight around, rummage in the holdall under my bed, and grab the pills. I choose the mifepristone and lie back, the packet in my hand.
It’s just a tiny cluster of cells. It’s not a baby. It’s not even a foetus yet. But...it probably has a heartbeat...It’s developing rapidly, more and more human by the second. It’s...not my fucking problem! I can’t do this. Not again.
But...can I really kill it? Can I really kill my baby? Will’s baby?
I groan and chuck the pill back in the holdall. I don’t have to decide right now. I have time.