| |
The weeks have both dragged and raced by. Every time I open my bedside drawer, I’m reminded that I have one more big decision to make. A life-changing decision. But I usually just push it aside, grab my clean underwear and race into work.
For the last four or five weeks, I’ve had to make sure I’m there to collect Summer, which has also meant either taking her with me to appointments or working from home. It’s an issue. I know it. I know I could solve it by asking Mum to have her, but I just can’t do it. Not yet. And I need to find another solution.
So, when Daisy’s dad asks if Summer would like to go over for tea one evening after preschool, I almost bit his arm off, and it has left me with a few precious hours extra to play with today.
“Hey, Eva.” Scott smiles at me as I emerge from my old office with my laptop and a box full of stuff that needs to be relocated.
“Hey.” I smile too, and then stop. “Did we...did we have a meeting booked? I...”
“No. No, I just dropped by on the off chance.”
“Oh. Good. Okay.” He looks at my box and jerks his head in a ‘give it here’ way. “Thank you.” I shuffle the box into his arms.
“You’re moving out?”
“Relocating. Come with me.” My eyebrows jump up and down, and I lead Scott to the lift. “New office,” I tell him as I hit the button for the top floor.
The lift doors slide apart to reveal a buzzing, open-plan workspace. And it’s mine.
Gone is the dingy glass box I originally viewed. I’ve added lots of tall potted plants, and Richie has jazzed up the walls, including a reproduction of the Alice in Wonderland rabbit hole, with a new company logo that leads the eye in. The floors are polished oak, the many windows have been cleaned and now it feels like I’m floating over London, and there is a busy person at every sleek, new desk.
Scott looks around as I grin. “Come, I’ll show you my office.” I lead him through the workspace, everyone glancing up and nodding or saying hello.
“This is yours?”
“It is. It’s about time I moved up here too. Just chuck it on the desk, please,” I tell him, indicating the box in his arms.
“Wow.”
“Yeah, it’s growing on me.” I smile, looking around. “So, what can I do you for?”
“I wanted to run through some ideas for the DOTD Carnival, but if you’re busy...?”
“It’s fine. I have a whole fifteen minutes to spare. In fact...” I walk around my shiny new desk and press a button on my shiny new phone. “Hi, Alyssa. Could you come in here, please?” She’s my recently appointed office manager.
I motion for Scott to take a seat as Alyssa makes her way over, and I move the box to the floor. She taps on the door and pops her head around. “Hi, Eva.”
“Hey. Take a seat.” Scott and I watch her walk over. Her cheeks flush under our scrutiny, and I look away, busying myself with rearranging my chair. “This is Scott. We’re launching his new salsa club in two stages. There will be a soft launch, mid-August, and a full-scale party on the second of November, which is The Day of The Dead. He’s just come in to run through some ideas for the second one.” Now that she’s all caught up, I look at Scott for his input.
––––––––
I can’t help noticing the way Alyssa is ogling Scott as he speaks. She’s hanging on his every word. I turn my attention back to him, studying him too.
I suppose he’s a good-looking bloke. I can see why she’s drooling. He has nice eyes. Dark green. And his arms are toned without being bulky. But I’m not sure I want my staff dating my clients. I know how badly that can go. Maybe I should have a word? But as my eyes move between them, I notice that Scott has barely looked at her at all. That’s probably for the best.
“So, you do lessons?” Alyssa asks, almost on the edge of her seat.
“I do. Me, and another couple of instructors I hire in.”
“Wow. I’d love to learn to salsa.” Hmm.
“Sounds good, Scott. I need to run so I’ll leave you guys to it. Feel free to stay in here. And, Alyssa?” I wait until she tears her riveted gaze from Scott’s. “Maybe arrange a staff session? Could be a good team builder.”
“Oooh! Yes,” she gushes. I grab my bag and raise my hand in half a wave, as I rush out the door to my next meeting with cocktail-bar Chris. Rebecca is already waiting for me, her bag in her hand and her sunglasses on her head.
“Let’s do this!” I smile and gesture for her to go first.
“Have you managed to read through the file?” I ask as I step into the lift behind her and hit the button.
“I have. Sounds like it’ll be a cool, classy event.”
“That’s the plan.” I give her an excited look. “And you’re happy to take over?”
“Sure.” I’m trying to offload as much work as I can. The long school break is coming up, and with no babysitting options, or none that I’m willing to take, I need to not be here twelve hours a day.
––––––––
When Rebecca and I arrive back at the office a few hours later, I head for the ladies and am so glad just to sit down for a bit. I’m feeling it. The never-ending office hours. The sluggish body.
I sigh, pull at the loo roll, wipe and freeze. The paper is bright red. I grab more and wipe again, only to get the same result. My underwear is bloodstained too. My brain is split right down the middle. It could be nothing...a miscarriage in the first trimester is extremely common...It’s probably nothing...You didn’t want this baby anyway, did you? One in four...
My baby! Holy fuck! My baby!
I redress, wash my hands, and head in a daze for the emergency gyne clinic. I know where it is, and call them on the way. First trimester bleeding, no pain, plenty of stress. Classic mis... No! It could be nothing. But I know the odds aren’t in my favour.
***
“Eva Adams?” The sonographer calls. I stand, and she looks at me with that professional kindness the NHS trades on.
“I’m Sonya. I’ll be doing your scan today.” She directs me into a room with a bed and an ultrasound machine. “Just lie back for me. Lift your top and unbutton your jeans, please.”
I do as she asks, and she tucks blue tissue in around my rolled-down waistband, and squirts the freezing-cold gel over my tummy.
“Can you tell me what’s brought you in today?”
“First-trimester bleeding. No pain.”
“Okay, Eva. You just relax and let me have a look at what’s going on in here. Don’t worry if I go quiet, I’m just taking some measurements.” She moves the device over my lower belly, tilting her head and pressing hard.
“When was your last period?”
“Nearly five years ago. I had an implant.”
“So you have no idea how far along you should be?”
“No more than twelve weeks, at a guess.” She nods, and continues clicking and moving the device around. It’s taking a while. Longer than it should.
She turns the monitor to face me. “Here is the baby’s heartbeat.” I look at the tiny, pulsing blob on the screen and choke on my breath. “Heartbeat? It’s...?”
“You’re six weeks and two days, making you due on the sixteenth of February.”
“Huh!” I gasp, unable to draw a full breath. “I thought...I thought I’d miscarried.” The tears I’d denied well up and spill from my eyes, before I can stop them.
“No.” She takes my hand and gives it a squeeze. “But the doctor will want to see you.”
“But...it’s okay?”
“Yes. Baby is doing well.”
“I...I thought I didn’t want it...”
“But now, you’re not so sure?” A soft wave of serenity settles over me. I could never kill my baby. I’m having another child.
“No. Now, I am sure.” For the first time since taking that test, I am really sure. And I have to tell Will. He has the right to know he’s going to be a father, even if he doesn’t want me.
“Here.” She hands me a wad of blue tissue. “You can clean that gel off now, and go and take a seat back in the waiting room.” I reach for the tissue in her hand, as she hits another button and prints me out a picture of my baby.
“Thank you.”
––––––––
As I leave the hospital, after having stopped by the chemist to pick up prenatal vitamins, I feel like I’m floating, the picture of our baby clutched tight in my hand. I can finally see a path ahead. It’s been a long time, or it feels like a long time, but now I can see which way I need to go. And my first stop has to be Escape. Maybe we can still fix this. Will is a devoted father, and after what happened with his own parents, I know he’ll do the right thing by our baby.
***
When I enter the foyer, I wave to Stefan in the coffee bar. He almost drops the cup he’s filling. Nothing ever changes, huh? I smile as my hand goes to my belly, and hope surges in my heart as I turn down the corridor to Will’s office.
I tap on the door, and he barks, “Come in!” So I push the door open and stop short. The blonde is sitting in his chair. He looks like he’s pacing or something, his cheeks flushed and his hand gripping his hair.
“Oh, sorry. I...” He whirls around and stares at me. The blonde gets up, walks over to him, wraps her arms around his waist, and kisses his cheek.
“Eva...” Will chokes. His wide eyes sweep over my face.
“Do you want to tell her, or shall I?” she purrs, and my organs freeze. I can’t even ask. I don’t want to. But she continues so I don’t have to. “We’re having a baby! Isn’t it exciting?” she squeals, and moves closer to Will. For a few seconds, I’m completely numb.
I look at Will, washed out and pale. He’s thinner. I can’t make this harder for him. Above all else, I still love him. I still want to protect him from pain...in any way I can.
“Congratulations.” I even manage to smile. I keep my gaze on Will, standing motionless. Speechless. “I hope you’re happy, Will. I really do.” And I turn around to leave, but quickly spin back again. I need to say this. I’ll probably never get another chance. “Thank you. Thank you for the best few months of my life. I know you’re going to be amazing.” My heart is aching, broken; my smile is bittersweet. Tears trickle down my cheek, but I swipe them away.
I really hope he finds his happiness. Whatever that looks like. Now, I need to find mine. But it’s not here, so I leave him to his future and walk towards my own. Whatever that may be.