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As soon as I push open the door to my suite, I call James. He doesn’t answer, so I leave a voicemail, asking him to meet me at a coffee shop a few Tube stops away from here. I dump my bag on the plush bed and look around. It’s nice. Is it worth a grand a night? Hell yeah!
This place is amazing. If I were feeling a little more enthusiastic about life, I’d be thrilled. But I’m not. I could just as well have landed in a hostel. The spa-like bathroom and dream-like bedroom with a four-poster bed are of no consequence to me.
***
When I arrive at the appointed coffee shop, James is already waiting for me. His face lights up when he sees me, but his eyes quickly darken.
“Eva...”
“Morning.” His questioning gaze probes mine, but I look away. “Are you done? We should probably go.”
“You wouldn’t like a drink?”
“No. Thank you. We need to keep moving. Um...get moving.”
“Did something happen?”
“No. Nothing. You ready?” I ask again.
“You can tell me to mind my own beeswax, but I can see that isn’t true.” He gives me a sympathetic look. “I’m a good listener.”
“I’m sure you are. I’m not much of a talker.” I’m ready to leave. Right now.
“No Sid today?” he asks lightly as he stands and tucks his chair under the table.
“Nope. Just us.”
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James holds open the door, and sweeps his arm in a ‘go ahead’ gesture. I engage my facial muscles in what I hope is a smile and walk past him. He brushes my hand. Oh...fuck. I can’t...
Will’s face fills my mind. The sound of him screaming my name when the police dragged him away...And I know I have to. I can, and I will do this.
We walk a little way along the street, and James stops me, his hand on my elbow. “I’ll drive,” he says, his voice so soft the traffic whisks it away. I look at the car that click-clicks when he presses the button on his key fob. Black. Two-seater. Sporty thing. Red interior.
Yep. I’m starting to get the picture.
He walks around the car and holds open the passenger door, and I spend a couple of seconds talking my feet into moving.
“Is this your first?” he asks, nodding at my expanding belly.
“No.” Speak, Eva! Conversation! “I have two girls already.”
“Two?” His eyebrow arches, and I nod.
“Yep. Two.”
He clunks my door and walks around the front of the car this time, before he takes the driver’s seat and revs the throaty engine. I think I’m supposed to be impressed. I’m really not.
“How old are your girls?”
“They’re four.” I don’t want to talk about me. I have to change the focus. “Do you have kids?”
“No. Sadly, I’ve never met the right woman.” He glances at me sideways.
“You sound like you want them though?”
“Yes. I suppose I do, don’t I?”
“Well, if I were you, I’d make the most of the lie-ins while you can. Babies aren’t conducive to a healthy sleep pattern.”
“No?” He chuckles. “And yet you’re on number three.”
“I didn’t say it wasn’t worth it.”
“But...you’re...single?”
“Looks like it.” I shrug and change it back to him. It’s harder than I imagined it would be. Not giving away too much, but getting James to tell me everything about himself. I’m starting to get the hang of it. I find smiling helps.
By the time we arrive at the first venue, an impressive country estate, I’ve learnt that James was married once but she cheated on him. I’ve learnt that he’s an only child. That he makes more money than he knows what to do with and wants someone to spend it with. And on.
That last nugget made my skin crawl, but I smiled and assured him the right woman was out there somewhere.
“This is...impressive,” James says, as we drive along the one-track lane that leads to the estate, sheep grazing and roaming freely on each side.
“So far, so good.” I smile and lean forward to collect my bag from the footwell. It’s buzzing. I reach in for my phone, and Sid’s name is lighting up the display. I press my lips together and wait for it to stop. When it’s silent and still in my grasp, I note the number fifteen next to his name on my lock screen. He’s called me fifteen times?
And there are ten messages over various platforms. I tap text messages as James applies the handbrake and releases his seat belt.
I’m sorry! Call me. Please. x
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I shake my head. No! And turn it off before I throw it back in the bag.
“Someone’s in the doghouse.” My eyes fly to James, leaning slightly towards me. I know he just read that.
“It’s nothing.”
“Fifteen missed calls and it’s nothing? Wow. Remind me not to upset you.”
“In my experience, it’s never a good idea to upset a pregnant woman. It won’t end well.”
James chuckles. “So, what did he do to upset you?” I take a deep breath and decide no. No, I don’t want to tell him.
“Are you ready?” I smile and reach for my door handle, leaving him to draw his own conclusions. He’s probably not too far from the truth.
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After I’ve let the manager know we’re onsite, I walk James around the estate, pointing out the features and the number of guests each room can safely hold. And then he says, “How about breakfast?”
“Oh...um...”
“Doesn’t a pregnant woman need to eat?”
“I’m not hungry.”
“But maybe the baby is?” He reaches out a hand, intending to touch my belly, and I grab his wrist.
“Don’t.” He does not get to touch my baby. Even through layers of skin and fat and litres of fluid. Never.
“I...I’m sorry. I overstepped.” And the chef wanders past with a tray of fresh pastries.
“Morning, Eva. I’ve made your favourite,” he says casually.
Great. Thanks. I glance at James, his forehead creased and his lips pressed together. There’s no way I can deny it, so I thank the chef (for the pastries and not his terrible timing) and reluctantly take a seat out on the terrace, overlooking the grounds.
“So...when are you due?” James asks, a little sheepishly.
“Not for a few months.” I catch the attention of a waitress I recognise. “Hey, Charlotte. Can I get an orange juice, please?”
“Of course. And for you, sir.”
“Coffee, please. Any way it comes.” She nods, blushing, and he looks back at me. “Do you not drink coffee?”
“Not at the moment. I can’t without throwing up.”
“Oh! Should I...order something else?”
“No...? Why?”
“Is it the smell, or...the taste?”
“Both.” I shrug. “But I’m fine. We’re outside.”
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We visit two more venues, stopping to eat or drink at each one. “You look tired,” James says in a soft voice over dinner, and this time he overtly touches my hand. My muscles tense, in an effort not to pull away.
“I am. It’s...been a long few weeks.”
“I’ll take you home after this.” He squeezes my hand briefly before he continues eating. “So, tomorrow, we can see a few more venues?”
“Sure.” I stifle a yawn, and he tilts his head. Assessing. What? I don’t know.
“I’m looking forward to it already.”
***
“What’s your postcode?” James asks, as we pull out of the car park at the back of the huge Victorian townhouse, which is now an exclusive party venue and the last we’ll see today.
“I’m...not going home.”
“Oh?” James hits the brakes and looks over at me.
“I’m...staying at a hotel for a few nights. You can just drop me off back at the coffee shop.”
“Which hotel?”
Shit! “Err...I didn’t catch the name...I was in kind of a hurry. It’s on Oxford Street.”
“Why were you in such a hurry, Eva?” His voice has turned soft and low; he’s trying to lull me. I know it. Should I let him think it’s working? Probably.
“Sid...is at my house.”
“So, it wasn’t nothing.” I shake my head but keep my mouth shut. “Do you want to talk about it?”
“No.”
“Try me. I might surprise you.”
“We had a fight. That’s all.”
“About what?” Keep going! You can do it.
“Um...well...” I clear my throat and almost whisper, “You.”
“Me?” He chuckles. “Why were you fighting about me?”
“He’s...Oh, it doesn’t matter. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything. I don’t want to embarrass you.”
“I’m not embarrassed, Eva. I’m flattered.” He takes my hand, and I have to let him. I have to! But I can’t. Not for long. I pull it back and rest it on my lap. “But...maybe you are?”
“Can we just go, please?”
“Eva...” Oh, fuck! No!
“Yes?” I squeak.
“I like you too.” Vomit makes its way up my throat, and I look away. “I understand why you’d be reluctant. It sounds like you’ve had a pretty tough time. I just wanted you to know.”
I let out my huge breath when the car starts moving again.
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I’m confused when James pulls over on Oxford Street. I peek across at him. “Do you want me to walk you to your hotel?”
Oh! Yes. That. “No. No, I’m good. You’ll get a parking ticket.” I muster a little smile and get out of the car. He doesn’t pull off when I clunk the door and wave. So...fuck! Closest hotel? Shit! Shit, shit, shit. I didn’t think that one through, did I?
I walk along, racking my stupid brain. Ah! The Radisson Blu! Yes! I move a little bit faster, now that I have an actual destination, past the shops and eateries, and breathe a sigh of relief when I make it to the reception desk. I can’t risk leaving. Not now. So, I take yet another hotel room (at yet another hotel) and make my way wearily to my room.
I fall into the huge bed, still fully clothed. And wired up, as Sid calls it when I still have the transmitter on, and then realise I have no clean clothes or even a toothbrush. So, I force my heavy, exhausted body into action and I strip off. I put on a hotel robe, before I leave everything I was wearing today out for laundry, and then call down to reception for a toothbrush and toothpaste, which is delivered to my door on an actual silver bloody platter.
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When I wake in the morning, my baby is doing summersaults inside me. My hands move to my belly, and I can feel it under my palms now too. “Morning, beautiful,” I whisper, a real smile on my face.
I lie still, enjoying her acrobatics, until she demands food and my stomach rumbles. I push myself up on my hands and look around the room. Another hotel room. Another day of...this.
I reach for the room service menu and pick up the phone by my bed. I order myself a full English, and then get in the shower while I wait.
When there’s a knock, fifteen minutes later, I tie the belt of my robe tighter and let in room service, who also has my laundry.
“Thank you.” I smile and take the bag, following the delicious waft of bacon as the man pushes the cart inside.
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When I emerge in the foyer, James is waiting, his hands in his pockets and an apologetic smile on his face.
“I thought I’d pick you up.” He looks almost embarrassed. And I’m bloody glad I stayed here last night.
“Um...thank you.”
“Shall we go?” He offers me his elbow, and I steel myself for the role I have to play today. Interested. Available. Single. None of the things I actually am, or want to be.