Alex had kept busy all that day. She wrapped half of the endless array of presents she’d bought in Portland.
As afternoon rolled around, she reminded herself that she really ought to brush up her résumé, call a couple of headhunters she knew...
But that was the problem. She had no idea what she was looking for. She didn’t know what she wanted to do with the rest of her life. How could she start looking for a new job when she still hadn’t decided what kind of job she wanted?
So instead of focusing on what her next career move ought to be, she vacuumed and dusted. That night, she watched rom-coms back-to-back. It was wonderful. Alone time. Every woman needed it. She didn’t miss her Christmas lover. How silly would that be? It was a casual, just-for-now thing they had together anyway.
The next day she wrapped the rest of the presents and made stew.
And when West drove up at four thirty, her silly heart did gymnastics inside her chest. She and Cookie ran out to greet him. As soon as she got him inside, they were kissing wildly, tearing at each other’s clothes as they fell across her bed.
Much later, they got up, ate some of the stew she’d had in the slow cooker all day and then went right back to bed. She must have dropped off to sleep at some point.
When she woke, he was up on an elbow, staring down at her.
“What? Do I have stew on my chin?”
He bent close and licked her there. “Nope. You’re good—and very tasty.”
She hooked an arm around his neck and brought his mouth right down to an inch from hers. “You were looking extremely serious for a minute there. Come on now. No thoughtful frowns. It’s Christmastime in our own sweet little Christmas cottage. Let’s be jolly.”
He brushed a kiss across her lips, propped his head on his hand and stared at her some more.
“West. You’re doing it again.”
“I like looking at you.”
She pulled him down for another quick kiss. “While you were gone, I was thinking that we should do things...”
“Things like...?”
“Things you do on vacation at Christmas. Do you ski?”
“I do.”
“I don’t, not really. I’ve never had the time for leisure pursuits. But I have the time now and I’m not letting inexperience stop me.”
His eyes were the brightest blue right then, like sapphires. “I didn’t bring my skis.”
“Live dangerously,” she challenged. “Rent them.”
The next day, they dropped Cookie off at Josie’s and went skiing at Mount Hood Meadows—well, West went skiing. Alex fooled around on the beginner slopes and then had a drink at one of the bars.
Tuesday, they got lucky and managed to book a room up at Timberline Lodge. Josie and her stepdaughters had fallen in love with Cookie and offered to dog sit anytime. So they left the dog at Josie’s and had a three-night getaway in the knotty pine splendor of the famous old hotel built in 1937. They slept late every morning and made love in the afternoons.
Time didn’t exist and yet it passed much too quickly.
All of a sudden, it was the Saturday before Christmas Eve and the family arrived. Everyone showed up that day—Auntie M and Ernesto, Joyce and Myron, Payton, Easton and the twins, too. They all went to Josie’s for a big chicken dinner and then played charades until after ten.
Alex kept expecting someone to remark on West’s unplanned two-week stay in the guest cottage, but no one said a word—except Joyce, who only mentioned how great she thought it was that West had taken some time off over the holidays.
Back at the cottage, Alex took West straight to bed. They didn’t get to sleep until well past midnight. She dropped off thinking how good it felt to have his arms around her. Their Christmas fling was half-over. Time was racing by far too fast.
Too soon, he would head back to Seattle to stay. It made her sad to think of sleeping without him.
But she knew she was just being self-indulgent. Neither of them wanted anything permanent. She didn’t even know where she would be living come January. Not her apartment, no way. She really did not want to go back there. Like her years at KJ&T, the apartment seemed a testimony to a life chosen long ago, a life of working her ass off to make lots of money as a cushion against some unknown future disaster. A life that had turned out to be not only unnecessary, but empty, somehow.
Uh-uh. She wouldn’t be going back to her old place except to clean it out.
As for her and West, they had two weeks more together and that would have to be enough—scratch that. It would be enough. The goal right now was to savor every second. She dropped off to sleep with a smile on her face—and woke sometime later.
It was still dark. She had the strangest, loneliest feeling and slid her hand across the bottom sheet seeking the warmth of the man beside her.
He wasn’t there.
She sat up. Flickering light bled in under her shut bedroom door and Cookie’s bed was empty.
With a yawn, she put on her fuzzy slippers and her giant sleep cardigan, raked her fingers through the wild nest of her hair and went to find out where West had gone.
She didn’t have to look far. He was stretched out on the couch under the fleecy Christmas blanket printed with snowflakes and reindeer that she’d found on their Portland shopping trip. Cookie had curled herself up in a ball beside him. An old Eddie Murphy movie played quietly on the flat-screen.
“Hey,” he said, as her dog jumped down and came right to her.
“Hey.” She scooped up the sweet mutt and buried her face in the fountain of graying black fur sprouting from the top of Cookie’s head. “I woke up. You weren’t there...” She couldn’t quite read his expression. A little bit watchful, maybe.
His eyes seemed full of questions. “Been thinking.” He pushed the blanket away, sat up and held out his hand.
She had the strangest sensation right then, like someone had dribbled ice water down her spine. “Everything okay?”
“Everything is wonderful. Come here. Sit with me.”
She set Cookie on the floor and went to him. Laying her hand in his, she let him pull her down to sit beside him.
He turned off the movie, leaving them bathed in the glow of the Christmas tree lights—until he switched on the lamp at the end of the sofa.
Something was wrong, she just knew it. “Are you leaving? Is that it?” She felt heartbroken that he might go—and how ridiculous was that? They were just having fun. It was only till New Year’s anyway.
“No,” he said, facing her, easing his hand under her hair and wrapping his fingers around the back of her neck. His palm felt so warm and strong.
She found such comfort in his touch and wished he would never let go, then quickly reminded herself not to do that. Of course he would let go. They would both let go, as agreed, when the time came.
He pulled her closer. His warm breath brushed her cheek. “Leaving is the last thing I want to do.” Relief, like cool water on a fevered wound, poured through her.
And then he kissed her, a slow kiss.
“Whew,” she said when their eyes met once more. “Had me scared there for a minute.”
He kissed her again, quick and hard this time. “Alex, I’ve never done this before and I have no idea how to do it.”
She scanned his face, searching for clues, for the source of this strange mood of his. “Done what?”
He shut his eyes and added prayerfully, “God help me not to screw this up.”
Her heart started beating too fast all over again. “West. What is it? Tell me.”
“I’m just going to go ahead and say it.” Now he looked desperate, as though he stood on the edge of some emotional cliff and debated the wisdom of jumping off.
She captured his face between her hands and pleaded, “Listen, whatever it is, it can’t be that bad, it really can’t. You need to just say it, put it out there. And we’ll deal with it.”
He actually chuckled. “I didn’t say it was bad.”
She let her hands stray down to rest on his wide shoulders and gave them a squeeze. “It isn’t?” When he slowly shook his head, she dropped her hands to her lap and confessed, “I have no idea what is going on here. I’m completely in the dark. Please. Whatever it is, just tell me.”
“Come here.” He gathered her close. It felt so good, his arms around her. She buried her face in the warm crook of his neck. He said, soft and low, “I’m in love with you, Alex.”
It was absolutely the last thing she’d ever expected to hear coming out of his mouth. She jerked her head back and blinked up at him, stunned. “Wait. What?”
“Yes.” He took both her hands. She resisted the urge to yank them away, to jump all over him for saying such a completely unhinged, impossible thing. And then he went and said it again. “I love you. You’re the one for me.”
“But I... I mean, you...” She had no clue what to say and not the faintest idea how to feel.
This was not a good time to start talking about love. Her life was a mess. She was a mess. She had money running out her ears and what good did all that money do her, when she’d come unmoored? She had no idea what to do with the rest of her life. Didn’t he realize what a bad bet she was?
Apparently not. He was still sitting there holding her hands, patiently waiting for her to speak.
Easing her fingers free of his grip, she pushed some words out. “I mean, seriously? You have to know that I’m not a good risk. Right now, all I have going for me is money. And I know you already have plenty of that.”
His eyes held only tenderness. “I’ll take that risk. In a heartbeat. And believe me, I knew this would freak you out. I knew I should just keep my mouth shut—but, Alex, I need you to know. I need you to start letting yourself imagine how it might be, the two of us, together for more than just Christmas.”
“The two of us,” she parroted. Because she still could not get her mind around what he’d just said to her. “But it’s a fling. We agreed. It is just for now.”
“How many ways can I say it? I’m very clear on our agreement and just for now isn’t cutting it for me anymore. Alex, I’m only asking you to think about it. As a possibility. Please say you’ll consider the idea of you and me staying together after New Year’s.”
“But I just said I can’t do that. I’m not ready for that.”
“And that’s why I’m telling you exactly how I feel. I want you. I love you. You’re the woman I never expected to find. You’re brave and strong and ready to take on the world.”
“No. No, I’m not any of those things right now.”
“Yes, you are. Alex, you’re a hero. You’ll do whatever you have to do to make sure your sisters and your aunt have what they need. You’re beautiful. Every time I look at you I want to get you naked. I think you’re amazing. You’re like nobody else I’ve ever known. You’re the one, Alexandra. The one for me, the one I honestly believed didn’t even exist. And I love you. I do. I just need you to ask yourself if I could be the one for you.”
“But I...” Words. She simply didn’t have them. When she opened her mouth, everything she’d already said came out all over again. “West, it’s just for Christmas, remember? Just for now. That’s what we agreed.”
He was onto her. “You’re repeating yourself.”
“I know,” she replied wretchedly. “Because I don’t even know what to say right now.”
“That’s all right. You don’t have to say anything more right now. Just think about it, won’t you? Just consider the idea of making a new agreement with me.”
“A new agreement...” She shook her head. “I can’t. I’m not ready for anything like that.”
His eyes were kind. Gentle. Patient. “You didn’t want to stay in your own apartment. I got the feeling you weren’t even sure that you wanted to live in Portland anymore.”
“You’re right. I’m not keeping the apartment. And I’m not sure where I’ll be living. What’s that got to do with anything?”
“Do you still want to live in Portland?”
She didn’t, not really, but if she said that, it would only look like more of a reason to give Seattle a chance. “I’m not sure yet.”
“Well, I’m sure. I want to be with you. I want us to stay together after the holidays are over. And Seattle would be a good choice for you. It’s a bigger town. You’d have a wider range of possibilities for whatever you decide to do next. Move in with me if you’re ready for that. Or get your own place. Wake up every morning in bed with me. Or see me once a week—to start. We can take it as slow and careful as you need it to be. What do you say?”
Nothing. She had nothing.
He tried again. “However you want it, Alex, we can work it all out. Even if you’re not sure about Seattle, I’m willing to try long-distance. We can see how that goes. Just think about giving us a chance to be more than a fling. Just consider not walking away when January comes around.”
She wanted to say yes. So much. But wouldn’t that just be taking advantage of his feelings for her, getting lost in their love affair to keep from figuring out what to do with the rest of her life? She could wake up one morning and realize she’d only been using him.
He didn’t need that. He deserved so much more from the woman he loved.
“I can’t do that, West. I don’t even know where I’m going yet. I can’t just move to Seattle and be with you. And the long-distance thing, well, the problem would still be there. I can’t even imagine trying to maintain a relationship right now. I have no idea yet what I want to do next.”
“I get that. It’s a problem that you have to solve for yourself. All I’m asking is why not do it in Seattle? And if not in Seattle, then at least let’s stay together, be a long-distance couple. Let’s see each other whenever we can.”
“I’m just no good at the love thing, West. I’m really not. I have trouble trusting men.”
He slapped a hand against his heart like he was kidding around. But the real pain in his eyes told another story. “That hurts. Now I’m ‘men’? You’re putting me in the same category as your cheating ex-husband and the weird guy from Utah?”
“No! That’s not what I meant, it’s really not...”
His eyes had turned sad. “Will you give it some thought?”
“West...” She reached out.
He moved back, clear of her touch. “Will you think about it, Alex? Yes or no.”
She longed to say yes, that she would definitely consider his offer, that she didn’t want to lose him after New Year’s, that she would love to keep seeing him, to move to his town and make a life with him there. But clinging to him right now wouldn’t be right.
“Was that a no?” he asked too quietly.
“West, first and foremost, I need to figure out my life on my own. I can’t afford to be distracted by a new relationship at this point.”
“Got it. I’m ‘men’ and I’m a distraction.”
“No, that’s not what I said...”
“It’s exactly what you said.”
This was all going sideways and she didn’t know how to stop the slide. She searched for the words that would slow this disaster down. “I’m wild about you. But fun and togetherness for the holidays is one thing and—”
“Stop.” When she fell silent, he continued, “Let me tell you where you just said we are with this. After the holidays, you and I are through. You are not moving to Seattle. You won’t try long-distance, won’t try being with me whenever you can. You refuse to give either issue any more thought because you will never change your mind. Is that right?”
Her heart ached so bad and her mind reeled. Somehow, she made herself breathe slow and even. She could not take him up on his offer and she needed to own that. No drama, no whining. No more repeating the same excuses over and over.
“Yes, West. That’s right.”
“Fair enough, then.” He stood. “I’m going to bed.”
She had to steel herself not to beg him, Don’t go. Come on, West. We can work it out...
What was there to work out? He wanted what she wasn’t willing to give. She’d hurt him and he couldn’t bear to be around her right now. The least she could do for him was to just let him go.
He disappeared through the arch into the hallway. A moment later she heard the door to the back bedroom click shut.
Cookie whined. Alex glanced over and saw that the old lady dog was sitting at the end of the coffee table, giant black eyes full of sympathy and unconditional love.
“I’ll just leave him alone for now,” Alex whispered. “We’ll talk some more in the morning. I’ll smooth things over. It will be all right.”
Cookie just stared at her, the wisdom of the ages in those big, sad eyes.
“I guess we should go to bed, too, huh?”
Cookie didn’t answer.
Alex rose, picked up the dog and returned to her room, hesitating at the threshold as she debated the pros and cons of shutting her door.
In the end, she left it open and took Cookie in bed with her.
Around three, she got up again to let Cookie out for a minute. West’s door was still shut.
When she brought the dog back in, she shut her own door. And then she felt foolish. Who did she think she was kidding? If he came to her, she would let him in. Why pretend otherwise?
She opened the door and got back in bed. Little good that did. She hardly slept at all.
At six in the morning, she heard his door open. He went into the bathroom. She heard the shower running. A few minutes after the shower stopped, he returned to his room.
Coffee, she decided. She’d had enough of lying there wide-awake, ears straining to catch the slightest hint of movement from the back bedroom.
When he spoke, she was standing at the sink, sipping her first cup of coffee, staring out the window as the sky slowly lightened toward dawn.
“Alex.”
Her heart rate spiked. She drew a slow, calming breath before she turned. He was standing on the far side of the island fully dressed. Across the great room, she spotted his big roller suitcase. He’d left it at the front door with a smaller bag beside it.
“Coffee?” she asked. His face was set against her, but she tried anyway. “I was hoping we could talk.”
“You’ve got something new to say?”
She set down her mug very carefully in order not to bang it against the counter so hard that it shattered. “No, I really don’t. But it’s not fair of you to just get up and go. We had an agreement and now you want to change it. And because I don’t, you’re moving to the Heartwood Inn or whatever?”
“It’s not about what’s fair, Alex. And no, I’m not going to the Heartwood Inn. I’m going back to Seattle.”
Now she wanted to throw the damn mug at him. “But it’s Christmas. The family will—”
“They’ll get over it. I don’t want to be here. I’m not in a holiday mood right now. I’ll stop by Payton’s cottage and let them know I’m leaving.”
She almost started shrieking at him. But come on. Facts were facts. He wanted more. She didn’t. Even if he had some coffee and they talked, the outcome would in all likelihood remain the same. They stood on opposite sides of a great divide.
“Hey,” he said gently.
She realized she was staring into her coffee mug, lost in her own misery. Lifting her head, she met his eyes. “Okay, West. I get it. I don’t want to get it, but I do. I’ve got no right to give you a hard time about leaving.”
“Then stop.”
“Yes. All right.” She tried her best to put on a wobbly smile. “I want you to know that these past couple of weeks with you have been so good. The best ever, truly.”
“Yeah.” His fine mouth twitched at the corner, but he failed to return her smile. “Too bad about the way it’s ending. I’m new at this love thing. I guess I’ve made a mess of it.”
“No. You put it right out there. Even though I’m not saying yes, I admire that so much. You’re braver than I am.”
He gave her a slow nod. “Yes, I am.”
Cookie stood at his feet staring up at him expectantly.
He gathered her into his arms, buried his face in her ruff and then scratched her head. “You take care of Alex, now.” Cookie licked his cheek. He dipped to a crouch and set her back down. “I’ll miss you, Alex.”
“And I’ll miss you.” So damn much. It was going to be bad. Really bad.
“See you,” he said. “Probably from across the table at some future family dinner.”
She locked her knees to keep from darting around the island, grabbing his arm and begging him to stay. “Bye, West.”
A minute later, the front door closed behind him.