It was spring again and though my closets were filled with new gowns, the weather made me think of the day I had first kissed Hester on the grounds of the asylum. I missed her desperately and I could not understand why she would not answer my letters. Our love had been real, had it not? I knew that my feelings for her were true but perhaps not for Hester. She might have been responding to my gift of touch alone.

I did not want to believe that my ability had forced her to act out of character although I knew it was a possibility. After all, she had not written me in all that time and she’d left me willingly. It hardly seemed the behavior of a true lover. I thought about it and she had been without my touch for many weeks. Perhaps the effect had worn off and she had come to her senses.

Thinking of her, of that day, made me think of that night when in my rage at being denied Hester’s company, I had torn apart West Freeman Asylum for Lunatics. Then I remembered the Carrier with the self-inflicted blindness. He had grabbed my skirts and said, “I made that. It will help you resist him when he comes to claim you. Blue is true. Yellow means don’t trust the fellow.”

I needed something, anything, to help me resist Julian. What had the lunatic been talking about?

Moira and I located my trunks. They had never been unpacked. I had worn new clothes from the first day of my freedom. I had never even considered the gowns from my time at West Freeman. Moira watched as I tore the lid off the one that I knew held the dress from that night. She helped me dig until I found it.

The gown had been ruined by the crazy man’s touch and my physical activities that night. The bottom half of the skirt looked as if I had taken a stroll through the swamps. I had torn the thing, my favorite at the time, right off my body so I could sleep that night. I hadn’t even inspected its damage. I had just wrapped it so its dirty skirt couldn’t ruin any of my other dresses.

Now, I unrolled it slowly, examining the height where the man would have been able to reach. There, clinging to the fabric, was a gadget of some sort. It was small, about the size of a broach, and had a milky white stone inset with gears on the back. There was liquid inside the stone. I held it in my hand, rubbing my thumb across the smooth face. As I did the liquid inside began to change color.

At first, I thought it was my imagination, but slowly the stone glowed blue.

I pinned it to the inside of my gown so that the stone rubbed against the swell of my breast but could only be seen by me. I looked down and it was still blue. I had a hypothesis about its meaning, though I had not an inkling how it worked. I went to test it.

It remained pure blue very little. Whenever Julian touched me, it shone yellow. Most of the time it was somewhere in between. Shades of green were the most commonplace. When I thought of conversations Julian and I had when I was first freed, it was a bright yellow-green and I knew that my feelings on those subjects were tainted by him.

I wished that I had made use of this ingenious device from the very first, then again, Julian’s touch was most intoxicating at first. I am not sure I would have understood its colors and meanings while drunk on his touch as I had been those first years. Only now that I knew all that I did could this be of use to me.

I determined that its maker could also be of use and I vowed to free the man when I could. First I must be free of Julian.

 

I thought about Dawn constantly. I wondered what she looked like, where she was, if she was safe, happy, and well cared for. I wanted her with me though I knew that wasn’t possible with Julian. Sally said he had sold my first-born daughter to Paetus. If they knew about Dawn, she would be in their hands, not my own loving arms.

Sally had a plan.

She knew where Dawn was sent by the doctor. She had seen the address in his books on the night he had tried to force me to hurt Hester. She had taken over and had killed the doctor. While in his office she found the location and then destroyed the evidence. I saw how smart she was when the doctor’s books showed up on our doorstep. Julian had sent for them, thinking correctly that the information should be contained within.

I pretended to care nothing about finding my child’s location. I gave no hint that my firstborn was a female. The knowledge would only make Julian all the more desperate to find her. He poured over the books searching for any hint as to the baby’s whereabouts. He spent every minute at it, even those when he was inside a Carrier. At least his extended time inside me had satisfied that desire for a while. He had so many Carriers to ride that he could not neglect them anymore because of me.

I watched as he rode others. It did nothing to further his cause of finding my child. Every black eye I saw made me more determined to keep him and all Incolas away from Dawn and any that might follow her. We lost two Carriers in the following month. They died in the fights. That would not be my offspring.

I was free for a while. He taught me to sniff out other Carriers, hoping, I think, that I might catch a whiff of my child and report back to him. Blood called out to blood, he claimed. I asked if that was how he found his Carriers, though I wasn’t sure how that could happen because his Carriers were not his blood relations. He told me it was. He gave each woman who he suspected may have a Carrier in their belly a small amount of his blood. Since mother and unborn shared everything, when it was born he could simply tell if they were or were not a Carrier. I knew, without him telling, that on at least a few occasions those babies had been of the offending kind. As little impulse control as I had shown when I came across the doorman and tightrope walker, I knew Julian had, if not less control, then less inclination to stay his hand. If he was overcome with the need to kill as I had been, he had killed them instantly—innocent or not. Julian was a baby killer on top of everything else.

As long as I was accompanied by escorting guards, Julian allowed me to go anywhere I wanted. None of the members in the house were loyal to me so I refused to select anyone. He insisted that he had enemies and that I could be kidnapped, tortured, or even killed because of him. He wouldn’t stand for my insolence and I was forced to choose. Since escorts were mandatory it meant I was unable to search for Dawn. I longed to speak with Leonus, however, I needed our meeting kept secret from Julian.

No part of the dangerous city was off limits as long as I had my escorts. I explored it all. I loved the salty air on my face and the even saltier sailors’ words in my ears when I visited the quay. I adored the bustling life of the marketplaces and not just the appropriate ones. I paid a whole day’s wage to every girl in a house of ill repute just so that they would enjoy a day off. We sat and talked and I gave them a feast they had only dreamed about.

I went to historic places and explored ruins. I saw magicians and mediums. I took part in several séances and had my fortune read by gypsies. Public libraries were a favorite as were the great showcases of devices and technology of the time. In all things, I shared with Sally. I gave her control whenever she wanted and sometimes just because I wanted her to see, taste, smell, or feel something.

I went to strange pothouses and inns and tried all manners of strong beverages and spirited refreshments. We did not know then the dangers that drinking alcohol posed. In fact, often tonics and tinctures that had alcohol bases were marketed specifically to women “in the family way” as healthy for mother and baby. Many times it was worse than simple herbs seeped in gin. Laudanum and other opium derivatives were commonplace with ladies in all stages of life, even in the highest of cultural status.

I often sat in the taprooms instead of the parlors these establishments offered people of my standing. I had a tankard made for me that held an obscene amount of beer and enjoyed it when barmen doubted I would be able to lift it once filled. I found I quite liked gin. Its crisp flavor was preferred over the heavy cloying sweetness of more acceptable spirits. I became a connoisseur, making note of the locations where I could find my favorites. They were, most often, those where the juniper berry was enhanced with anise.

It was on one of these excursions when I was reintroduced to Darville, my former butler. He had taken the money I gave him and bought an inn in the most respectable part of town he could manage. He no longer was in service, rather he was a businessman and had gotten for himself a wife. He seemed a mite anxious about seeing me although that was eased after I procured a few rounds for his patrons.

I frequented his establishment so often that his business improved. Soon he had regulars visiting his taproom because of the possibility that I might show up and buy drinks and dinner for everyone. My escorts always stayed outside, some at every exit, and left me to my own devices. It was only after my patronage had brought Darville good fortune, and I had proven myself not to be a danger, that I asked him for a favor.

Sally’s plan was coming together.

 

Leonus sat at a table in the taproom, not the parlor where those searching for us might look. Darville had delivered the invitation and the Incola had accepted. Now he sat waiting for me and he was completely unprotected. My men waited outside and hopefully would never know that our meeting occurred only a few feet away.

Leonus was an unimpressive figure. He was short but fit and though his face was nondescript it wasn’t entirely ill-pleasing. His eyes were the same warm amber color as Julian’s. His hair was brown with no more gray to hint at his age than any other Incola I had met. I wondered how old he was. Leonus was as Roman a name as Paetus and Julian.

He stood when I came to the table, nearly knocking over his chair in his hurry. He was nervous. I did not have to order and two gin and tonics graced our table before I was fully seated. I drank mine straight away.

“I am glad you are here,” I started. “Honestly, I was not certain you would see me after our introduction at the club. I appreciate you giving me a second chance and do sincerely apologize for my uncivilized manners that evening. I was new to this life and had little practice in self-control.”

Leonus nodded as if he understood. “I hope today can be the start of a great friendship. I want nothing more than to help you see the truth about us and to realize your full potential for good in this world.”

“I gained as much from your note. Yes, I read your message that the acrobat tried to deliver to me. It is for that help that I had Darville contact you.”

“What can I do for you?”

“I have a favor to ask, but first let us sit and get to know one another. I must make a judgment and character judging is not my strong suit. Tell me about yourself. Your letter spoke of another way of life. Describe what you mean.”

Leonus started talking and never stopped. He had a way of speaking unlike the double-edged words of so many genteel. He said what he meant. Time got away from us and before I knew it, night had fallen. I had the carriage take a long route home while I conferred with Sally. I went to her in her pregnancy at the asylum. Our body was safe within the carriage on the way home. I never left the house without my entourage of ten guards. I now knew these were hired men, not Carriers. They could be easily bought.

Sally pulled from her bonds as soon as I came into the room. I watched as she adjusted her bed/table and then joined her on it. She adjusted and made an odd face. “Is anything wrong?” I asked. I was still uncertain how our meetings worked. Could things that happened here change the outcome of these events?

Since we shared a brain, I should have known she would answer my unspoken question. “You are in my memory. Nothing changes here except our conversation. It was easy to fit in at the asylum by talking to myself.” She smiled at me. “I was just getting comfortable. The larger she gets the more that feat becomes impossible. Her smallest movement is earth shattering.”

“She’s moving now?”

Sally nodded.

I longed to feel, although I knew it was not possible. I was not solid here. My sorrow must have shown on my face or maybe she just read my mind again. She pulled up her gown to show me our extended belly. A tear came to my eye when I could see the movement just under the skin. I might not be able to feel it though I could watch, just as I had watched her birth before. It wasn’t much, but it was something.

“You know you’re with child, don’t you?”

I looked stunned at her. Sally wasn’t talking about the child we birthed in the asylum. I was going to have a child. Wife of Julian, in the current time, was going to have another child. I hadn’t known.

“Yes, you did know. Your subconscious,” she gestured to herself, “knew. You cannot let Julian find out. Now tell me of your meeting with Leonus.”

I started the story, trying not to leave out any important bits.

Leonus was actually born in ancient Rome. “You mean you can remember your childhood?” I’d asked him. Julian was wrong. He hadn’t lost his original memories because of any limitations of the human brain but because he had taken residence in the mind of another. Leonus did not have this trouble because he had not taken his body from another. He had never permanently inhabited another form. He warned Julian and Paetus against it before they were known by those names. He had all of his memories. He remembered being a child and a young man. He knew his parents. He knew that to change bodies permanently was to give up those things.

It wasn’t just their memories that faded with their time spent in another’s body. Leonus explained that though Julian had control over his body, it wasn’t really his. The mind and body were not completely aligned and the longer they spent in those bodies the more out of sync they would become. Julian got no pleasure from his senses anymore. He needed ever newer bodies with which to taste, smell, hear, see, and touch. He had lasted longer in this body than Leonus had expected and he suspected that it was because of the value of the gift of touch that Julian had held on this long.

I thought of how Julian enjoyed the pain Mistress had showed me how to administer. This decaying of senses was what drove him to ask for worse treatments from me. He could barely feel me unless I was close to skinning him alive. He put the spiciest of seasonings on his food because only the most extreme of flavors were sensed. It was also why he enjoyed riding a Carrier in death. He could finally feel.

Leonus had no such desires. In fact, his senses grew more intense with every day he lived. Yes, he rode his Carriers occasionally but it was always with their consent. He said that Carriers could be taught to repair their own bodies though when the damage was great or the Carrier weakened, he could step in and speed up the process. His Carriers were with him by choice. He was not their master. They had a democracy of sorts.

He also had many more Carriers than Paetus knew about. He kept them secret because, if the greedier Incolas knew, they would try to destroy what he was making. Paetus and Julian would have me believe that they and I were special, but Leonus informed me that Incolas were just gluttonous Carriers. They, and other powerful Incolas, did not want a class of well-educated Carriers. The old ones felt superior—entitled. As I had seen, they were capable of the horrendous treatment of their Carriers and that was in public. I couldn’t imagine the things these men did when the doors were closed. Leonus would never dream of riding a child, he told me with disgust.

“Can we trust him?” I asked Sally after my tale was finished.

“I don’t think we have much choice. Now go. Time is up.”

The carriage came to a stop and I put the meeting out of my mind. I would need to concentrate if I didn’t want Julian to know what Sally and I were up to.