On Friday night, James pulled the buggy up in front of Susie’s barn, and I climbed out. “Will Daniel be taking you home?” he asked.

“I don’t think he’ll be here,” I said. “He didn’t send word to me that he’d be picking me up.”

“Okay, then. I’ll come to get you at eleven,” he said. I nodded and waved as he pulled on the reins to guide the horse back to the road.

I stepped into the barn, ready to return to the life I hadn’t had the chance to leave. Lanterns hanging from the hayloft lit the barn in a soft way, and I spotted Kate, Annie, and Mary sitting together on a pallet, sipping from cans of soda pop. They waved me over, and I settled in next to them, pulling my skirt over my knees.

Mary pointed, and we all looked in the direction of the door, where Sally and Peter were slipping out, hand in hand. My group of friends had just started going to parties, most of us having turned sixteen in the past months. We had spent the last year waiting to be old enough for these gatherings, but now we were still figuring out what to do at them. Some of the kids in the wilder groups were already finding ways to get alcohol, but our get-togethers had been pretty tame so far.

On this night, a group of boys, some wearing blue jeans, were crouched together gambling with playing cards. A few couples were off in distant corners, sitting close together and sneaking kisses, which they would tell their friends about later. At the last party, Daniel and I were one of those couples, hiding behind a hay bale, reaching for each other in a cautious way.

I took a sip of the soda pop that someone had handed me, swallowing down its fizzy sweetness. I turned to Kate, remembering something she had said at the barn raising. “I’ve been meaning to ask how you knew about texting.”

“I was in line to check out at the dollar store,” she said, “and I heard these little beeps from behind me. I turned around and the girl showed me the words on her phone.”

I smiled. “So I guess I’m not the only expert on the English.”

“No, you’re not,” said Kate. “I’m as taken with them as you are.”

I had always thought Kate didn’t share my curiosity, but it was clear now that she did.

“But you seem so content,” I said. “You never talk about leaving home.”

Kate fingered the hem of her apron. “That’s because I know it will never happen.”

“It turns out it’s not going to be a possibility for me either,” I said.

“What happened?” asked Mary, leaning in, pulling her dark silky ponytail over her shoulder so it cascaded down her chest. Annie was glancing at the door, no doubt waiting for Marc to arrive. But she looked back at me when I started my story.

I took a breath and told my friends about my encounters with Mrs. Aster, about James and my dad trying to help me, about my mother’s resolve. I saw their surprised expressions when I told them about Mrs. Aster coming to our house and my mother’s reaction. When I was done I waited for the sympathy I knew would be coming.

“I’m sorry,” said Mary, shaking her head. “But I really couldn’t imagine why you wanted to leave us in the first place.”

“It’s not that I wanted to leave you,” I said, stung. “I was just looking to have some different experiences for a while.”

“I could never leave,” said Mary, her voice firm.

“Really?” I asked. “You aren’t even a little bit curious?”

“Oh, I’m curious. But I like knowing what’s expected of me. I feel safe here.”

I tried to understand Mary’s feelings, but I couldn’t imagine that safety could be someone’s burning desire. I turned to Annie. “What about you? Don’t you ever feel curious about the English?”

“I hear that Yankee boys are cute,” she said with a grin.

“Can we change the subject?” said Kate. “You’re not leaving, so why are we still talking about it?” Her voice had a harshness I felt under my skin.

“We can talk about whatever you want,” I said. “I didn’t know this would bother you.”

Kate looked away. I waited to hear what her response would be. The room was filling up with people. Near the door, two boys were smoking cigarettes, the acrid smell drifting into the barn. A borrowed machine that Susie called a boom box sent out weak blasts of music, which settled into the background of our conversations. Music was new in our lives, available to us only at these parties. We didn’t know anything about what we were listening to, but it was forbidden, which made it desirable.

“It does bother me,” said Kate, turning back to face me. “And I guess now I’m sorry for you that you’re stuck with us.”

Before I could answer, she got up and walked to the table where the refreshments were. I turned back to Mary. “What’s the matter with her?”

Mary shrugged. “Maybe she wasn’t happy about the idea of you leaving.”

“But I’m not leaving.”

“I know,” said Mary. “And maybe she wishes that you weren’t so disappointed about it.”

I shook my head, a nameless anger trickling through me. Kate was my best friend. Surely I could be truthful around her. “But I am disappointed,” I said. “Does she want me to lie about it?”

“No,” said Mary. “But maybe you can at least pretend that you would miss us.”

I looked at Mary, her hands folded in her lap as though she were at her school desk. Mary was keeping company with Nicholas, a boy who would be happy to stay close to home. They were perfect for each other. “I would have missed you very much,” I said. And I meant it.

Annie was staring at the door, waiting for Marc. I smiled watching her. She wore her feelings for everyone to see. Suddenly her expression changed, and I followed her gaze to the door in time to see Daniel walking in. At first I was surprised to see him, since he hadn’t offered me a ride to the party. Then I saw why. Beside him was Hannah, tall and slim, her pale hair in one long braid that fell over her shoulder. Her lips were thick, like two puffy hearts, and they turned up in a smirk when she saw us.

Hannah was on the edge of our group of friends. She and I were forever arguing and then making up. I found her exhausting. And here she was on Daniel’s arm. The room suddenly grew too hot and too noisy. Hannah detached herself from Daniel and waved, walking toward me with her arms swinging casually. “Hi,” she said to all of us. Mary and Annie moved slightly to let her sit down. “Have I missed anything?”

“No,” said Annie, with a grim smile. “I think the party is just starting now.”

“Good,” Hannah said, flinging her braid back and stretching out her long legs. “I was running late, and poor Daniel had to wait for me.”

I mumbled something about wanting another drink, and stood up on shaky legs before making my way to the refreshment table.

Kate was there, talking to our friend Robert. “What’s wrong?” she asked.

I nodded toward the pallet where we’d been sitting. Annie and Mary were there, looking uncomfortable as Hannah chattered to them, a beaming smile on her face. “She came with Daniel.”

“You’re kidding,” said Kate. “Where is he?”

I looked around the room and saw him standing with a group of boys. He had a can of soda pop in each hand, and was probably about to bring one to Hannah. Kate turned to me, her eyes sympathetic.

“When Daniel and I took a walk at the barn raising, he was planning to say something. Then he changed his mind,” I said. “Do you think he was going to tell me that he’s courting Hannah?”

“This is news to me,” said Kate. “Are you going to be okay?”

“I guess so,” I said, trying to hide the quaver in my voice. I took a breath. “But I really want to be sure that everything is all right with you and me. You were pretty angry before.”

Kate looked down. “Not angry. Jealous.”

I waited for more.

“I know that I can never leave my mother. She hasn’t been the same since my brother left home.”

“Oh, Katie,” I said, putting an arm across her shoulders. She slipped her arm around my waist, and we stood together quietly, feeling the nearness of each other. I breathed in Kate’s smell, like warm milk, and thought of how we used to hold hands at recess, and how in our plans for growing up, we always lived next door to each other.

Kate’s older brother, William, had refused baptism and left the district a year ago, when he was nineteen. At first his family received occasional mail from him, but after a few months the letters stopped coming. I wondered if my mother had been thinking of William when she fought against James leaving, and when she made her decision to keep me at home.

“I wasn’t thinking about William,” I said, shaking my head.

“That’s all right,” said Kate. “He’s been gone so long, I understand that people don’t think about him all the time, like I do.”

“I’m sorry I was one of those people.”

“And I guess I was upset that it was going to be so easy for you to leave me,” Kate said. “I know that’s selfish, but it’s how I felt.”

“Leaving you would have been the hardest part.” We turned to face each other. I looked into her blue-gray eyes and I knew she believed me.

We let go of each other, but still stood close. I turned to the table, scanning the baskets of chips and popcorn and trays of cheese and crackers. I didn’t want any of it. My stomach was tight, the air thin. Then I felt a warmth beside me, and I looked up into Daniel’s green eyes. “Hi, Eliza,” he said, his voice smooth and easy. “I didn’t see you when I came in.”

Out of the corner of my eye I saw Kate slip away and join another group of girls. I took a breath. “You mean when you and Hannah came in.”

Daniel’s eyebrows rose. “Is something wrong with that?”

“I just didn’t expect to see you with another girl,” I said, swallowing back my nervousness. “At Margaret’s barn raising, you didn’t seem like you were interested in any other girl.”

“Hannah’s not my girl,” he said. “She asked me for a ride and I gave her one.” I nodded, feeling a little better. “And last weekend you told me you were planning to leave home.”

“Well, I’m not,” I said. “My parents won’t let me go.”

“I’m sorry, Eliza,” he said. I had to admit that he did sound sorry. “You must be disappointed.”

“Jah, disappointed,” I said. “That’s one of the things I’m feeling.” I looked into Daniel’s face and saw concern there. But I couldn’t be comforted by his kindness right now, because he was here with another girl.

“There you are, Daniel,” came Hannah’s voice. It sounded high-pitched and pouty, like she was imitating a stubborn child. She stood beside him, facing me. Her hand slipped through his arm. “I thought we were going to take a walk.”

I looked at Daniel, who seemed just a little bit uncomfortable. “Go ahead,” I said, making my voice sound bright. “I was just going to join Kate.” I turned away and walked toward the group of girls sitting at a round table. Daniel and Hannah left together, and I sat down next to Kate, feeling a rush of emotions clattering inside of me. I didn’t want to be here right now. I wanted to be away from these teenagers trying to act like their little rebellions meant something. We’d all end up like our parents one day, working hard, going to services, teaching our children how to be plain.

As I tried to force a smile on my lips, I wondered if anyone else felt as trapped in this place as I did.