When I chose the entrepreneurs to interview for this book, one of my goals was to achieve a broad sample, both in terms of inputs—gender, race, religion, ethnicity, sexual orientation, family income, parents’ education, their own education, where they’d grown up—and outcomes: I wanted them to have started big companies, small companies, nonprofits, or profits-for-purpose, or to be artists, or activists. Given all these differences, I wondered if I’d find any common threads, let alone universal themes.
To my amazement and delight, every single one came from a family that conveyed one fundamental message: we support you; we believe in you; follow your passion. Sometimes following through on that message required a big gulp, or even a leap of faith. But every parent said it. And meant it.
Maybe you’re thinking: that’s not so unusual—all parents believe in their children. But that’s not true. All parents love their children. That’s not the same thing as truly believing in them—as truly trusting them.
As parents, we want what is best for our children. Or, at least, what we think is best for them. And what we almost always want for them is, in a word, success. That’s partly because we tend to see professional and, often, material success as offering them protection from some of the world’s harsher realities. But wanting success for our children, even when our desire for their success comes from love and our concern for their welfare, is not the same thing as truly believing in them.
Believing in our children involves having wholehearted trust and faith in them—even when their road is rough, or their choices are…shall we say, unexpected. It means understanding that they’re not going to be immediately successful at everything they try—and that ultimately this is, in fact, a very good thing, because without some struggle, there is no growth. It means supporting kids as they find and follow their passions, celebrating their triumphs with them, but also being there for them as they pick themselves up after setbacks. It means lovingly standing by and trusting them to handle adversity instead of jumping in to handle it for them. It’s how we teach our kids that failure is nothing to fear, that they have what it takes to recover and grow from it. That they can trust themselves. That’s a great message for any child, but it’s indispensable for a child who’s a budding entrepreneur. Fearless kids who are doing what they love most—following their hearts, rather than trying to please their parents or anyone else—are poised to have great adventures. They’re also getting the best kind of training for making the world a better place.
Consider these statements many loving parents make to their children:
All of these parents mean well—they intend to support and protect their child, and steer her toward success. But what else do statements like these tell that child? It’s something like this: “We don’t think you will succeed if you follow the path you want. We don’t think you’re good enough to be successful if you take such an unconventional route. We’re afraid you will fail.”
None of the parents I spoke to for this book communicated such a fearful message to their children. Instead, they all said: “Go for it! We know you’ll succeed.” And all of these entrepreneurs did.
Were all of them successful at everything they tried? Certainly not.
Did they all hit bumps in the road? Of course.
Will all their ventures succeed? No.
Will some of them abandon their venture and join someone else’s, starting a project within a bigger company, becoming entrepreneurial rather than an entrepreneur? Probably.
Does any of that matter? Not at all.
Because their families will support them as they start on their next great adventure. And because these entrepreneurs will be doing what they love, rather than what they think will please their parents or anyone else. Becoming an entrepreneur is not for everyone. But if it’s for your child, what a wonderful journey it can be.
As fascinated as I was to find the many common traits among the diverse entrepreneurs, I was just as interested to find that certain factors I assumed would matter a lot don’t seem to make a difference. For example, I thought I might find that a high percentage of the entrepreneurs would share a particular place in the birth order, such as first born; or have highly educated parents, or entrepreneurial parents; or come from small families; or come from financially secure families; or have attended highly rated high schools or prestigious colleges. I was wrong. Factors like birth order, family size, family income, and education—of both the parents and the entrepreneurs themselves—did not seem predictive of the entrepreneurs’ success, in either their careers or their characters.
Birth order didn’t matter at all. Interestingly, however, many entrepreneurs I interviewed seemed to think that their particular situations—whatever they were—were advantageous. For example, many thought that wherever they were in the birth order was an advantage; several told me that, because they were the middle or youngest child, they were given more freedom than their siblings. Many felt that the size of their own family, from one to seven, was an advantage. That says a lot about the kind of attitude these kids grew up with: they all believed their family circumstances worked perfectly for them.
Family composition also varied widely, and didn’t seem to matter. Although many were raised in traditional two-parent homes, some were raised by single moms, others had blended families with stepparents and stepsiblings and half-siblings, and one had adopted siblings. Family composition didn’t appear to matter, since the parents treated all of their children the same.
Family income was all over the map, with several low-income and working class families and the full range of middle class incomes, too, from lower to upper. Interestingly, though, I noted that even in the wealthier families, the kids did not grow up feeling entitled—in fact, most of these families’ kids always had a job growing up, because they were required to earn their spending money.
And being poor didn’t seem to affect the kids from those families, because their families showed them they could always find a way to do what they wanted—attend college, travel abroad, give to those less fortunate—so they were empowered to go for their dreams.
In fact, what all of the families had in common was that they didn’t emphasize money as the yardstick for success.
Schooling also didn’t matter. There was an enormous range in the entrepreneurs’ academic performance. Some were great students from kindergarten on. One-third graduated in the top of their class from top universities; one-quarter of them got advanced degrees. But about 20 percent left college without graduating to get on with the next phase of their life. And others struggled in school until they found a subject that ignited their imaginations. Still others simply struggled in school, period.
Nor was their parents’ level of education a predictive factor. Some parents hadn’t graduated from high school, while others had advanced degrees. There didn’t seem to be a correlation between how educated the parents were and how much education their children got. For instance, two of the entrepreneurs had parents without college degrees, yet both were academic stars through college and beyond. Regardless of their own education, most of the parents stressed the importance of education. And, just as key, regardless of how educated they were, if their children wanted to drop out of college, the parents supported their decision.
I thought entrepreneurs might have been obvious leaders from the start—the kind who take charge on the playground. Indeed, some seemed to have been born leaders—but plenty of others didn’t blossom until much later. They all got there eventually.
What surprised me the most was that not all the parents were closely involved in their children’s lives. A lot of moms were very present in their kids’ daily lives, both working moms and stay-at-home moms. And there were plenty of others who were much more hands-off, setting firm ground rules and then trusting their kids to make good choices. In fact, how many rules the parents had—how strict they were—didn’t seem to matter. And, interestingly, many of the kids who grew up in homes with the most rules also were given the most freedom.
For me, letting go in a thoughtful way was the hardest part of raising children. If I had to do it all over again, I would give my children even more freedom at a younger age.
In fact, if I had one piece of advice for parents, it would be to let go a little bit more. To let your daughter know what you expect and then trust her to do it. Not to fix it for your son when he screws up, but to let him fix it on his own. And if life is uncomfortable for a little while, that’s got to be okay. Of course, sometimes you really do have to step in. But check the impulse to do so, and, whenever possible, let children meet their challenges themselves.
You never know which of the ten rules will make the biggest difference for your child. But several themes stood out in the stories of most of the entrepreneurs I profiled:
I think this is the key takeaway for parents. If the passion isn’t obvious, help your child explore different areas to figure out what they love and what they’re good at, and then nurture that. If they love something, they will work at it tenaciously, they will develop grit, and they will achieve success. Every one of the entrepreneurs I interviewed told me they had a strong work ethic. Every one told me they worked harder and longer than anyone else. And every one told me it was because they love what they do.
Don’t force your daughter to spend all her time studying subjects she hates. Don’t let your son think you don’t respect him because he doesn’t have straight A’s. A child who excels in one area may have a better chance of achieving extraordinary things—and living a rich, satisfying life—than a child who is pretty good in every area. You want your child to develop grit, and the only way to do that, other than forcing them, Tiger Mom–style, is for them to want to work hard because they love it and they want to master it—whatever “it” may be.
It also led to their desire to excel in their professional lives. They learned not to be afraid to fail, which led to their willingness to take risks, which is key to starting an organization from scratch.
somethingI can’t claim that every thriving, engaged, motivated entrepreneur in the world was raised by parents who followed the same rules. But all of the extraordinary entrepreneurs I talked to did share the same core experience growing up: all of them felt truly supported.
Every mom I talked to adored her kids; every entrepreneur I talked to adored his or her mom. The moms said things like, “It was a privilege to raise them.” The entrepreneurs said things like, “My family was always there for me.” Or, “I always knew if I needed my family, they were there, which gave me the strength to take risks.” Even in families where parents worked all the time, or became ill, the children knew they were there when it counted.
Without my asking, most of the entrepreneurs told me how important their family was to them. Many also told me that they’ve incorporated the values their families imparted into their companies or organizations—things like trust, not overreacting to mistakes, empowering employees to make decisions, and telling coworkers not to be afraid to fail.
Every one of the families in this book did a fantastic job raising confident, caring, successful people. And every one of the entrepreneurs knew that they could always fall back on their family. In some cases, that meant the family provided practical or financial support. In every case, it meant the family provided emotional support. It meant that no matter what, the entrepreneurs knew their family believed in them. That’s what gave them the confidence to take risks.
So many parents today hear the word “support” and immediately worry about providing too much support, or providing it for too long. We’ve all heard stories about the twenty-five-year-old who still lives at home. The focus is usually on finding a way to get that young person to develop a sense of responsibility. But that may not be the real problem. Perhaps what he lacks is passion. He hasn’t yet found what he loves to do—or quite possibly, he has found it, but he’s been led to believe that pursuing it with all of his heart is too risky.
The parents in this book let their children find their passion and then nurtured and supported it however they could. They all let their children decide what they loved and what they wanted to do. The parents didn’t say, “You’re going to be a doctor like your dad, aren’t you?” They said, “You want to do what? Really? Oh…great!”
All of the entrepreneurs in this book are extremely confident. Some may think, “Sure, success will do that.” But I believe that their confidence led to their success, rather than the other way around. It isn’t the kind of confidence that’s built on a false sense of self-esteem that came from being praised regardless of whether they succeeded. It’s a deep-rooted confidence that comes from realizing they have mastered something, that stems from having worked really hard and gotten really good. And it was a precursor of their success as entrepreneurs. They knew they could do it, so they did.
Sometimes parents try to help their children by interceding on their behalf: calling a teacher to get a grade changed or arguing with a coach to give a child more playing time or a better position. They mean well. But the unintended effect is a child who isn’t growing up believing that she can master something, that she can succeed, and that it is her effort that has made the difference. And that if she fails, she can work harder and smarter and try again, because maybe she’ll succeed the next time. And if she doesn’t, her family will continue to cheer her on and be proud of her successes, whenever they come, in whatever she pursues.
I loved discovering the ten rules that emerged over the course of my interviews. I believe that each of them will help you nurture your child’s confidence and independence. But there’s another rule so important, so pervasive, that I couldn’t break it out into its own chapter. It’s an inseparable part of every story, every innovative idea, every big dream, every courageous failure, and every success in this book.
Every one of the entrepreneurs in this book said something like this: “My mom believed in me, so I believed in me.” And every mom said something like, “We always trusted him and believed in him.” Parent after parent; one entrepreneur after another. Every single one.
The parents in this book gave their children the following messages:
My hope is that more parents will say these things—and mean them—when they talk to their children. This kind of wholehearted trust in a child’s capacity is the secret to raising an entrepreneur—the ten rules boiled down to a few simple sentences.
When I started to write this book, I thought it would only be useful for parents of kids who want to be entrepreneurs. I didn’t think its lessons would apply to parents whose kids are pursuing a more conventional path.
On reflection, though, I think I was wrong about that.
It began to dawn on me, after I’d talked to dozens of entrepreneurs and had begun to see the patterns that coalesced into the ten rules, how beneficial those rules can be for anyone. No matter what their career path, no matter whether they’re starting at the bottom in an established profession or organization or creating their own new thing, helping your children believe in themselves will serve them.
Even if your child doesn’t want to be an entrepreneur, encouraging them to become more entrepreneurial by promoting certain attitudes can only be a good thing. All children thrive if they learn:
Say your daughter becomes a manager at a large firm. She’ll know how to treat subordinates so they feel valued and trusted. Or say your son becomes a school principal. He’ll be equipped to run it like an enterprise that he’s poured his life into. Or say that both of your kids enter the nonprofit world. They’ll be able to bounce back from inevitable setbacks and find new ways of seeing problems.
Not everyone wants to be an entrepreneur. And not everyone has the makeup to be an entrepreneur—not everyone thrives on risk, loves to create something from scratch, can tolerate living with uncertainty, or wants to put in crazy-long hours. It’s important to reiterate that parents can’t turn their children into entrepreneurs if their children don’t have the urge—just like parents can’t turn their children into doctors or orchestra conductors.
Whether your child has an entrepreneurial bent or not, whether she knows exactly what she wants to do in life at age twelve or hasn’t a clue at twenty, the principle is always the same: wherever her passion, fascination, ability, and drive lead, support her pursuit.
Perhaps you’re a doctor and your daughter always wanted to be a doctor, and she does really well in all her science classes. Or perhaps you’re a lawyer and your son loves to visit your office and hear about your work, and he’s really good at debating and reading and writing long, analytical pieces. Or maybe you own a business where your child has worked every summer—and she can’t wait to start full time when school’s over. Some kids, entrepreneurially minded or otherwise, know what they want from an early age and go after it with all they’ve got. Fantastic!
But perhaps your son loves school but can’t figure out what he wants to do with his life because none of the careers he’s heard about excite him. Or your daughter is really smart, but is not particularly motivated by schoolwork. Or your kids love what they’re doing outside of the classroom—playing sports, writing music, making art, acting, filming, running for school office, playing chess, selling golf balls, traveling, singing, dancing, playing with their computer, volunteering at nonprofits, starting a little company, fixing broken things, making things in shop class, organizing protests—more than school itself. It just may be that their passion—their true calling in life—is somewhere down one of the roads they’re beginning to walk. And maybe if you let go of whatever anxieties you have about their future, and encourage them to pursue their passion with all they’ve got, something great will happen. Something great for them and, possibly, something great for the world.
No matter what your child is going to do, knowing that someone believes in them—and believes they can do anything they set their mind to—will help them.
So, parents, think about how the ten rules apply to your family. Encourage your kids to follow their dreams, because whatever they want to do with their lives, your trust and support will help them get there. Kids, thank your parents for believing in you. And give your mom a big hug while you’re at it.