Chapter 14

Nate

In order to resist looking at my mother’s diary, I take sanctuary in my art studio. It was once my mother’s, but I’ve decided to take ownership of it.

I’ve also decided to stop hiding that I’ve been using it. I consider asking my dad to hang up a few pieces of my old artwork in here. Among my favorites is a drawing of the waterfall with the old mill downtown. There’s also a portrait of my favorite actress. They’re black and white, so they’ll do little to add color to the room, but I’m starting to appreciate the simplicity of the space. It serves to highlight the colors on my canvas.

The crow is an interesting study. My paint version catches the light in different ways as you move around the room, so the crow changes depending on where you are and what time of day it is. The effect is close to what I was going for, so it’s one of the only things in my life that’s working.

The big pine tree isn’t where I want it to be yet. And the background needs work. I’ve painted the golden cornstalks, but I haven’t decided on the details of the sky. Originally I planned on sunset, but my own dreams have me second-guessing that.

I’ve had more dreams where I’m a crow, and it’s always night, so I consider setting the painting at night. But that would change the light, which would change the coloring of the crow. I’ve worked so hard to get that aspect just right, so I decide to stick with my original vision.

Dreams are stupid anyway.

* * *

All I want to do on Friday after school is head home and paint. It would worry Candy if I missed our standing date, so I head to Mother Goose Apothecary.

Candy is busy with a tarot client, and I aimlessly wander around the shop, looking for fairies and examining the new merchandise. There is a bone-white ring that looks like the pointy skull of a small bird. The card says it’s not a real bird skull, so I try it on. When I flip the card over, I discover the ring is actually carved out of “ethically sourced cow bone.” I shudder and take it off.

The bell on the front door rings. I look up, expecting Felicity, but it’s not her. It’s Nathan. I suck in my gasp of surprise and hiccup instead. I haven’t seen him since Abby’s party.

He stops in the open doorway when he sees me and looks like he’s considering walking right back out. Instead he takes a step inside and lets the door shut behind him. The rush of fresh air disappears and now I’m sweating.

“Hey, Liza.” He avoids looking directly at me and awkwardly glances around the shop.

“Hey, Nathan.” I glance around just as awkwardly. Then I remember what Daya said about his name. “I mean Nate…right?”

Now he does look at me, a surprised tilt to his brows. “Yeah.”

“Daya mentioned it.” I hiccup and cover my mouth in embarrassment.

Candy saves me when she pokes her head out of the beaded curtain. “Nate!” Of course she would know to call him that—it’s the kind of thing she’s careful about. “We’re almost done. Your mom’s soaps are ready and I’ll bring them out in a few. Liza, you can open a box of chocolates for the two of you, the ones with the sea salt.”

I rub a lavender leaf between my fingers and let the scent waft over me. Lavender is supposed to be calming, but my heart is racing like I’ve run a mile in gym class. My armpits are sweaty, too.

I head to the register, closer to Nate than is comfortable. I hold up a box of gourmet dark chocolates and look at the floor. “Do you want one?”

“No,” he says. “Thanks.”

We’re left trying not to stare at each other. The last time Nate and I were this close was at Abby’s party. She and Nate were the ones who spent time in the shed together, but it was Nate and I who ended up kissing. Abby managed to create a frenzy on social media about it.

When Nate’s parents saw some of the posts, they flipped. They called my house a couple of times, but I managed to intercept them all to keep my dad from finding out. They enrolled him in the private all-boys Wellburn Academy before the school year started.

“How’s your new school?” I ask after a long silence, in which all the sounds of the shop—the old heater kicking on with a bang and the buzz of the lighting—seem too loud. I hiccup again.

He smiles and shows off his braces-free teeth, just like Daya mentioned. “It’s really good. I made the lacrosse team.”

“That’s good.”

I search my brain for something else to talk about, but he cuts into my thoughts. “I didn’t think you and Abby hung out with Daya.”

“We don’t…I mean Abby doesn’t, but I do…now.” My face burns, and I want to retreat behind the beaded curtain and never come out again, but Candy and her client are still in there.

That makes him say a thoughtful “hmm” and it makes me hiccup real loud.

“I’m not friends with Abby anymore,” I admit. “Or Mia or Gabrielle.” I hesitate and then go for it. “I’m sorry about that night at Abby’s party. She was just jealous of us…” I leave off the word “kissing.” “I shouldn’t have let her lie about you.”

That night Abby caught us behind the shed, she screamed to everyone that Nate was gay and didn’t want to kiss any girls and the only reason he kissed me was because I slipped him a love potion.

“There’s nothing wrong with being gay,” Nate says quietly. “It’s just not who I am.”

“I know.” There’s a strawberry size lump in my throat that makes it hard to talk. That and the hiccups, three of which come out of my mouth one after the other.

Even quieter, Nate says, “You know I really liked you.”

“I know,” I say again. I look at him properly for the first time since he walked into the shop. His face is tan and he’s let his dusty brown hair grow out, which looks good on him. Despite the uncomfortable situation, he holds himself with the same confidence I remember. I look him right in the eyes and say, “I’m sorry.”

I’m not sure if I liked Nate that way. Our kiss was okay, a little salty, and weird because of the braces. Nothing like what I’ve read about in books. There was no instant spark that made me want to keep doing it. Before I could think too hard about it, Abby interrupted us and everything fell apart. A disaster of a first kiss if there ever was one.

More silence passes between us. He doesn’t thank me for the apology, which is fine. Saying “I’m sorry” isn’t enough, but I don’t know what else to do.

Candy and her client, a man I don’t recognize, probably from out of town—my aunt’s readings are kind of famous—enter the main shop. He leaves, the little bell clanging after him, and Candy snaps her fingers. “Your soaps.”

She disappears behind the curtain. I feel Nate staring at me, so I focus on the front window display of witch hats and pumpkins, hiccups coming at regular intervals.

“Are you okay?” he asks.

It’s a simple question, but the answer is anything but.

“I’m alright.” I keep my eyes fixed on a purple and black crocheted hat.

“Do you still have my number?”

“Yeah. Why?” The last thing I expect is for him to want a call from me.

“Abby can be vicious.” He rubs his hands against the side of his jeans like he’s nervous. He should be nervous talking about her like that, though it’s a relief to hear someone else say what I’ve been thinking. “I’ve heard some things…about you. I know they’re rumors. But I also know rumors can hurt.”

If Nate is hearing gossip about me at his new school, then Abby must really be working hard to destroy me. I try to breathe steadily, but another stupid hiccup pops out.

There is a hint of a blush on his cheeks. “After the party, I went off social media. But you can text me. Or call I guess.”

Nate looks so sincere it helps me breathe normally in between the hiccups. He’s still my friend, and maybe wants to be more than that, though I’m not sure if that’s what I want. Heat crawls up my cheeks, and I’m the one blushing now.

Luckily Candy comes back out and hands Nate a bag. “Say ‘hi’ to your mom for me.”

He thanks her and offers me a cute little wave as he leaves. All I do is hiccup.

“I told you to have a chocolate,” Candy says.

“What?” I’m staring at the spot where Nate just was.

“Let it sit on your tongue for a bit to get rid of the hiccups.”

Of course she has a remedy for that. She takes the box of chocolates, opens it, and holds it up for me to select one. I obediently pick one, stick it on my tongue, and let it melt.

With a knowing smile, Candy watches me. “Want to talk about it?”

When the chocolate is almost all the way melted, I swallow the last of it. “About what?”

“About the boy who has you so distracted.”

“Nate?” The name comes out as a squeak. “Not really.”

“Alright.” Candy puts her arm around my shoulder. “Let’s have our tea and not talk about boys.”

“Or girls,” I add, thinking of my aunt and Felicity.

She laughs. “Or girls!”

As we head through the beaded curtain, I realize my hiccups are gone. If only my aunt had a remedy for what went down between Abby and me.