part0018

I n an improvised burrow at the base of the tall cliffs, Col. ‘Cuddles’ Khujlimal briefed his band of suicide stabbers. Including his brother, Lieutenant Col. Kabab-me-Haddi, there were five crack fighters who would participate in the savage revenge attack.

‘Right, so this is Operation Impale,’ Col. Khujlimal said, rattling his quills for attention. ‘Myself and Lieutenant Col. Kabab-me-Haddi will conduct the most dangerous part of the operation and may well be martyred…!’ He outlined his diabolical plan as the suicide squad’s eyes widened and several hundred quills quivered eagerly.

‘It should be easy. Guerrilla tactics! Hit and run! That’s what we’re good at and that’s what we’ll do. The enemy won’t even know what hit them. Remember, before they actually attack, they size each other up yowling hideously. All their attention is focused on the foe. That’s when we go in, full tilt, handbrake turn, reverse, stab and zoom! The fools won’t be expecting it! And then, if they do not kill each other then and there, all we have to do is to wait till the impaled quills take their effect and all the famous the tigers of the great Sher-kila National Park turn into man-eaters and are exterminated. Victory to Al-Seekh-Kebab!’

‘Al-Seekh-Kebab zindabad, zindabad!’

‘Good, now go and get some rest! We reconvene at 2230 hours! Dismiss!’

The porcupines dispersed, some digging up roots and tubers for an energy-supplying snack, others resting and revelling in the glory that was to be.

Lieutenant Col. Kabab-me-Haddi trotted along one of the high ridge paths, thinking this was his great chance to prove his courage—and later make a bid on his brother’s leadership. He had fled during the first attack—tactically retreated actually—which was the sensible thing to do because he had lived to fight another day. Suddenly he drew up and paused… That smell? His nose twitched. He trundled ahead cautiously, round a bend and saw the deep rocky overhang. Waves of that dangerous scent were emerging from it, so thick as to be almost visible. Steeling himself—and ready to flee—he peered into the entrance.

A blood-curdling snarl roiled out of the cave. There at the back of the cave, in the gloom, a tigress lay on her side, her massive head raised, watching him, her eyes blazing amber, her lips drawn back in a snarl. Three tiny balls of charcoal-striped orange fur whimpered and mewled and suckled hungrily. In a flash, Kabab-me-Haddi recognized the tiger’s smell: it was the same one that his valorous brother had stabbed after the failed raid.

‘One inch closer and I’ll make you eat your own quills!’ the tigress snarled. But she stayed where she was. And then, Kabab-me-Haddi saw why: there were porcupine quills still sticking out of her chest and paws.

‘Hahaha, hello Ms Pincushion!’ he smirked, but kept his distance. You did not trifle with a tigress with cubs even if she was full of porcupine quills.

‘Get out of here, you infection! You’re stinking the place out!’ the tigress snarled.

‘Just going, just going…’ Kabab-me-Haddi smirked. ‘I thought you’d like to know…’

And what he told the tigress made Razia flatten her ears and snarl so terrifyingly that Kabab-me-Haddi beat a hasty retreat. ‘See you later, ma’am! We’ll let you know how things went…and then…’ he gloated. Then, he’d lead the team here, so they could finish her off as well as her cubs.

‘Right, we’re off, single file, smart trot. Maintain complete quill silence at all times. And God be with us all!’

They set off, a grim column of six deadly rodents, their mean eyes crimson with fanatic rage. They stopped just outside the village. Col. Khujlimal addressed the squad.

‘Right, we split up here! You select suitable ambush points and wait… The enemy should appear at the stroke of the midnight hour! Major Prickles, you’re in charge!’

‘Come on, Chuboo-Chuboo!’

‘And don’t call me Cuddles!’

The two porcupines disappeared into the undergrowth, heading for the temple. They sneaked into the courtyard via the rear entrance and stopped at the base of a peepul tree and began digging. This was what they were made for…

Lolita knew that something dangerous was in the air. Ever since she had opted out of the plan to exterminate Shaan-Bahadur and his family, she had been restless. Now she prowled the cliff ledges. She glanced at the blinding silver moon riding high. At around 2330 hours, she passed by the overhang where Razia lay, and sniffed, grimacing.

So! She had found the missing tigress and judging by the scents, warm, milky and nuzzly, it seemed that Razia had had her cubs. Better to stay away.

A low growl emanated from the cave.

‘Sorry to disturb you, ma’am. Congratulations on your new family. I’m just leaving!’

Lolita pricked up her ears. There had been pain in Razia’s growl.

A few minutes later, Lolita bounded out of the cave and raced down the ledges to the base of the cliff at a dangerous speed, pausing only to spray the big rocks en route with her startling news. She was a tigress with a mission! If only it was not too late.

A little earlier, Thug, Caligua and Taimur had met briefly, if uncomfortably, at the base of the cliffs and then set off through the grassy meadows towards the village. Resham, in her usual unpredictable way, had also decided to drop out of the raid: she, too, was confused. Rana Shaan-Bahadur had done something that went against all the tenets of honourable tiger behaviour and needed to be punished, but he was a damned handsome and courageous tiger too. Besides, there was something else she couldn’t put her paw on… She wandered off amidst the rocks muttering under her breath.

The three males entered the main street of the village at 2350 hours. Five minutes later, curled up at the entrance of the headman’s house, Naradmunni got the shock of his life when he opened his eyes. Thug was walking down the dusty track towards him followed by two other tigers—his henchmen. The tiger made no attempt to conceal himself.

‘You, offal there, go call your boss!’ he growled at poor Naradmunni.

Thug and his henchmen had been so focused on their mission they had failed to watch their backs. Keeping to the ditch that ran along one side of the path, the four ASKAA suicide stabbers followed the tigers.

‘Huzoor, huzooor!’ poor Naradmunni yelped, wondering why he was always the purveyor of bad news.

‘What now? Shh…keep it down, the cubs are sleeping!’

‘Huzoor, Shri Thugoutsideistalkswantstoyou…I mean Shri Thug is outside and wants to talk to you!’

‘What does that fleabag want now?’ Shaan-Bahadur rose languidly to his feet. ‘Naradmunni, you watch over the cubs.’

‘There are two others—Caligua and Taimur.’

‘Oh, so the three stooges again, eh? No matter!’

Regally, Shaan-Bahadur emerged from the gateway and looked contemptuously down the street. Thug, flanked by Caligua and Taimur, was standing some way down, their tails flicking lazily .

‘We’re here to rip you and your family to shreds,’ Thug said pleasantly. ‘You’re raising a family. No male tiger does that! Matter of honour! You have disgraced the species.’

‘Dishonoured us! We spit upon you!’

‘So we’ll appreciate it if you cooperate!’

‘An honour killing, you understand?’

‘Any time, boys!’ Shaan-Bahadur growled so malevolently that instinctively the three tigers took a step back. He flattened his ears and bared his teeth in a terrible rictus. His claws slipped out.

Thug swallowed and nodded. ‘Okay boys, on the count of three… Taimur take the left flank, Caligua the right, I’ll take him head on…’

Shaan-Bahadur knew the outcome would be bleak for him. Even if he managed to drive away the three, which was doubtful, he would in all likelihood be seriously injured in such a fight. He hoped the cubs would be able to take care of themselves and would have the sense to flee while he battled these louts.

‘Naradmunni, I’m going to take on these fellows. Take the cubs and run for it!’

Poor Naradmunni nearly wept as he nodded and fled into the courtyard.

‘Right…one…two…’

Shaan-Bahadur braced himself as he stared down his enemies. Then his green eyes widened .

‘Look behind you, Thug,’ he said nonchalantly.

‘Hah! Don’t try that one on me!’

Thug and his henchmen whirled around. Panting and heaving, with foam flecking her mouth, Lolita stood in the street trying to catch her breath. ‘It’s ASKAA! They’ve stabbed Razia, poor thing has had her cubs but is immobile. They’re going to ambush you when you attack Shaan-Bahadur!’

‘What? Stabbed Razia?’

Lolita gulped, almost overcome with emotion. ‘Razia says she won’t be able to hunt for some time, so you’ll have to do that in order to feed her and the cubs!’ She rolled her eyes eloquently. ‘Don’t you see? You can’t kill Shaan-Bahadur now!’

‘What the…? Thug’s brain was scrambled.

‘You can’t kill Shaan-Bahadur!’ Lolita screamed, ‘Because now you’re going to have to look after your own cubs until Razia gets well! Don’t you get it?’

‘Boss,’ said Caligua laconically, ‘are you going to listen to that airhead? Everyone knows what she has going with Shaan-Bahadur. She’s just trying to protect him!’

‘Yeah, she’s a real fluffhead!’ Taimur said, privately thinking that Lolita was really quite pretty.

‘With a name like that, what can you expect?’

Thug nodded. ‘Nice try, Lolita,’ he said. ‘It ain’t going to work! ’

He and the others turned their attention back to Shaan-Bahadur again.

Again, the three tigers whirled around.

Some distance behind Lolita, Resham stood, panting.

‘Lolly left messages on the rocks everywhere and I went and checked on Razia myself! You can’t attack Shaan-Bahadur now. No way!’ she gulped. The moment she had seen Razia she had realized what had been bothering her: what if she had been in Raat-ki-Rani and now Razia’s place and had had cubs? Who would have taken care of them? What had happened to poor Raat-ki-Rani and now Razia could happen to any tigress in the park.

Shaan-Bahadur glanced at Thug laconically. ‘Welcome to the club, Thug,’ he said.

In the ditch, the ASKAA hit team, which was about to scramble was also getting confused.

‘They’re supposed to attack him. Not have a tête-à-tête!’

‘Boss, what should we do?’

‘Didn’t you hear that stupid tigress? Our cover is blown!’ Major Prickles barked. ‘We attack! Hit and run! Go, go, go!’

‘Watch it fellows! Porcupine!’ Shaan-Bahadur roared at the top of his voice, sending cracks down the walls of village houses and setting off all the peacocks. For a long moment, Major Prickles stood stock still, staring at his enemy, his little eyes terror-struck, his eardrums almost ruptured by that rumble of deafening thunder. With a single bound Shaan-Bahadur was on to him and with a deft flick of his paw tossed the stunned Major high in the air. The Major somersaulted and landed upside down on two of the hit squad, causing a brief frenzy of fighting. Thug, Caligua and Taimur just stood, transfixed.

‘The cubs!’ Shaan-Bahadur growled, turning towards the doorway. The fourth member of the ASKAA suicide squad charged towards him. He did a very stylish handbrake turn and was about to cannon backwards into Shaan-Bahadur, whose back was now turned towards him, when he was whacked solidly across the face by a furious Lolita.

‘Oh no, you don’t… oww!’ she yowled, smacking the porcupine senseless but getting four nasty quills embedded in her forepaw.

At 2355 hours, Col. Khujlimal and Lieutenant Col. Kabab-me-Haddi broke through the floor in the right and left wings of the headman’s house. The courtyard was empty and they could hear Shaan-Bahadur conversing with the other tigers in the street. The attack would happen at any time. Grimly they approached the front veranda, where they could see the cubs stretched out on the charpoys.

‘This is going to be a cakewalk!’ Col. Khujlimal muttered. ‘We take two apiece!’ He grinned, displaying his awful yellow buck teeth. ‘Babies babies, wakey-wakey!’ he called.

‘Cuddles, there’s someone on the roof!’ Kabab-me-Haddi hissed.

Indeed there was, and sprawled there in his assassin’s haven, Khoon-Pyaasa’s brain too was scrambled. There were, what—one, two…three, four…no five tigers milling about in the street outside. Which one ought he to shoot? He squinted down the barrel of his gun, shifting his aim from one to the other, utterly confused. This was an embarrassment of riches!

And then came that roar that shook the walls and set the temple bell pinging and peacocks into hysterics. It was the roar of the devil welcoming you to his domain. Khoon-Pyaasa went white and passed out for a second. His gun slipped out of his grasp and slid down the roof falling harmlessly into the drain below. Desperately, he grabbed at it but found himself sliding backwards. Panic-stricken, he clutched at the tiles for grip. There was a crack as they gave way, now there was a hole in the roof, followed by more cracking …

A minute earlier, Col. Khujlimal had flicked a glance at the roof. ‘Don’t worry,’ he barked, ‘that fellow is also after the tigers. Come on, we carry out our mission now!’

They entered the veranda where the cubs had slipped down from the charpoys and were now watching them with wide if sleepy eyes.

‘Babies!’ hissed Col. Khujlimal sibilantly, ‘come to Papa, hahaha!’

He pirouetted and his brother did the same, preparing to charge.

Phasti’s green eyes glittered with excitement. ‘Right, kids!’ she yelled. ‘Remember, vertical leap and swivel over them as they as they come, face them and take them out—we can do this, babies!’

That alas was doubtful. Hasti and Masti had eaten so much they could hardly move, let alone leap and swivel in midair as their little sister ordered. And Zafraan was just too laidback to try stunts like that.

Then they heard their father’s great roar.

‘That’s Papa!’ Masti said in relief.

‘He’s showing them!’

‘And we’ll show you babies!’ Col. Khujlimal whispered evilly, squinting over his shoulder at Phasti to get his aim right.

Just then, a tile crashed down from the roof, smashing just beside him, followed by another… Col. Khujlimal felt a heavy but soft dead weight thump down on his ba ck, squashing him flat, driving his own quills into his body and the air out of it from both ends. And then blackness rushed in.

‘YOWWWW!’ A blood-curdling scream rent the air as Khoon-Pyaasa scrambled to his feet, a veritable pincushion of quills—indeed a whole porcupine of quills, with the porcupine still attached sticking out of his bottom. Howling, he fled.

‘Hey you, wait a minute, come back here! That’s my brother you’ve got sticking out of your backside!’ Lieutenant Col. Kabab-me-Haddi couldn’t believe his eyes. Furious, he lined up Hasti and Masti and engaged reverse.

‘Sorry, I can’t let you do that!’ Zafraan said lazily, bringing down a hefty paw on the porcupine’s forehead as it shot past him. (He’d had a lot of practice swatting bluebottles.)

‘Well done, bro!’ Phasti’s eyes shone; she was thrilled. Imagine! All three of her protégés had surpassed themselves in a single day! Lieutenant Col. Kabab-me-Haddi reeled around, drunkenly shedding quills and then fled, screaming blue murder.

Outside, Rana Shaan-Bahadur glanced at Lolita who was limping about, but looking beatific. ‘Thank you,’ he said. ‘I’ll check on the cubs and then pull those out for you! ’

Lolita staggered around on three paws, dazed with happiness.

Shaan-Bahadur backed away from the doorway as a human being with a porcupine attached to his rear suddenly erupted out of the compound screaming, followed by another hysterical porcupine.

‘Human beings and that ASKAA lot,’ he remarked, ‘they’re both completely mental.’ He bounded inside.

‘They’re safe, huzoor, the cubs are safe!’ Naradmunni suddenly appeared by his side. No one knew where he had disappeared during the fracas.

‘Papa, we’re good!’

‘We sent them packing.’

‘Such lily-livered cowards, those porcupines! You can whack ’em like swatting flies!’ That of course was Zafraan.

‘Oh God,’ Hasti moaned, ‘now we’re never going to hear the end of it.’

‘Did you see my technique? Absolutely brilliant! Superb anticipation, perfect timing and whack! Speed, economy, beauty!’

‘Gotta go now, catch up with you later!’ Thug muttered to Shaan-Bahadur a little later, looking sheepish. Caligua and Taimur paced about restlessly in the background, still trying to figure out exactly what had happened. Shaan-Bahadur grinned.

‘The begum and babies beckon, eh?’

Thug grinned back. ‘Looks like your kids are calling you again, too!’

In the doorway, four young faces looked out eagerly at Shaan-Bahadur.

‘Papa, let’s go and hunt porcupines!’

‘I think we’ve had enough of porcupines for one night!’

Thug paused. ‘Um…there’s one more thing…’ He looked irritably at Caligua and Taimur who had stopped pacing and were all ears. ‘Haven’t you two got anything better to do?’ he snapped. The tigers withdrew. Thug cleared his throat.

‘Um… I’m sorry for all…all the trouble we caused you and your family…’ he muttered. ‘Never realized… it was unforgivable.’

Shaan-Bahadur nodded. ‘It’s okay, times change. I learnt that too… Some traditions are plain stupid.’

‘It would have been most dishonourable…’

‘Forget it, Thug.’

Crouched down in the temple veranda, Ayesha of the silken tresses kept her eyes glued to her viewfinder as the astonishing events unfolded before her that night. At last she switched off her tired cameras, hardly believing what she had seen and filmed on this brilliantly moonlit night. She didn’t know it then but her film would win her eight awards at the following year’s Oscars.

Khoon-Pyaasa, with Col. ‘Cuddles’ Khujlimal still attached to his rear, just disappeared and was never seen again.

Lieutenant Col. Kabab-me-Haddi went berserk and after stabbing several members of the Gigglers who had been hanging around near the village, backed into a tree so hard, he jammed his quick release mechanism and got stuck there, until the cubs found him the next day…

The other members of ASKAA disappeared underground.

Dum-kutta is still hoping his tail will re-grow and has been consuming all sorts of weird herbs and gross animal parts towards that end.

The Diclo-Fenacs, alas, only heard of what had happened the following morning. Tragically, there were no dead bodies strewn around in Taboo Valley as they had hoped.

Rana Shaan-Bahadur retained his title as alpha male of Sher-kila National Park. He and his cubs are now getting a bit tired of being treated like celebrity film stars, but there’s nothing they can do about it except growl and bear it .

Thug has his paws full dealing with his three rambunctious cubs and readily relinquished the position he had usurped from Shaan-Bahadur.

Razia recovered completely, but pretended she hadn’t for several months after she actually had, so that Thug could properly bond with the cubs and she could chill. Both she and Resham privately admitted that Rana Shaan-Bahadur had done a pretty good job as a daddy to his cubs.

The cubs, Hasti, Masti, Phasti and the lordly Zafraan, would remain with their father (and hunt porcupines) for around two years before setting off to make lives for themselves.

As for the lovely Lolita, well, she’s First Tigress now and soon thereafter disappeared into a cave whose location is unknown…

‘Congratulations, huzoor! Three beautiful babies!’ Naradmunni came rushing up to Shaan-Bahadur one morning, shortly afterwards. ‘Two boys and a girl this time!’ He smiled. ‘And that dhimchak chick photographer from the National Geographic —she’s back. She wants to make The Tigers of Taboo Valley 2.