“There is no security in this life. There is only opportunity.”
—DOUGLAS MACARTHUR
For greatest intimacy and less stress, let your husband handle the finances. Before you talk to him about it, read this chapter thoroughly and then go back and follow each of the steps.
If you’re thinking you’ll surrender in every way except financially, think again. You will miss out on some of the greatest benefits of surrendering if you skip this part.
At first, surrendering control of the finances seemed suicidal to me. I believed that if I didn’t police the money that was coming in and going out of our bank account, my husband would spend it, well, wrong. He might buy a new guitar every month instead of saving for retirement. Maybe he would complain that I spent too much money on clothes. I worried that there wouldn’t be enough for me, that I would have to go without.
My fixation on our finances exhausted me. I made budgets and put everything into the computer, but things never seemed to go as I planned. We always made less money or had more expenses or just spent too much. Although I was controlling the ebb and flow, I blamed John and resented that I had the unsavory job of paying the bills.
Finally there was a day when I was just too tired to do it anymore. The sight of the finance software and the pile of bills gave me a knot in my stomach. I was depleted. I could no longer do this miserable task, and so I just stopped. I told John I couldn’t pay our bills anymore. I had threatened to do that before, but I never really meant it. I don’t think he believed me at first, but this time I was serious. I finally let go.
When you let go of managing the finances, you’ll also be letting go of the burden of that particular chore. Paying bills, balancing bank accounts, and worrying about whether there will be enough money to pay the mortgage—or just go out for dinner—is stressful. When you give up that responsibility, you also leave behind the anxiety and worry that comes with being the family banker.
The hardest part of relinquishing the finances was that I felt so vulnerable to John. When I considered whether it was worse to have the stress of the finances or to be that vulnerable, I had to keep reminding myself that the former has the added benefit of fostering intimacy.
Giving up control of the money is scary because often we see money as giving us a sense of security. If there’s enough money—and we know where it is—we can assure ourselves that we will always be comfortable, that we can handle any emergency, that we can pay for any services—whether it’s a haircut or a divorce attorney. So, what happens when you give up control of the finances? You are in the most vulnerable position of all because you now have to depend on your husband to keep you safe and comfortable. The result? You will have to trust him with all your might.
Here’s why this topic is so loaded:
Money is about power. As a controlling wife, I saw our joint checking account as something I absolutely needed to oversee. If you are primarily responsible for paying the bills in your household, you have the power of spending money according to the right priorities—yours. That means your husband has no power—he is “impotent”—over how the money is spent in his family. Don’t think this doesn’t impact his view of himself.
Money is about worth. Not just worth in terms of dollars, but the really valuable kind—self-worth. When a man is responsible for how the family’s income is divvied up, he has a stronger sense of his own worth. He takes more pride in providing for his family because he sees a direct relationship between what he earns and what he can provide for his family.
Money is about intimacy. For a man, there’s nothing more conducive to intimacy than feeling proud and masculine. He’ll never feel that more strongly than when he is protecting and supporting his family (if you don’t have children, you are his family) by spending, saving, and investing. Therefore, when you give control of the finances to your husband, you take a powerful stride toward being more intimate with him.
As with other aspects of surrendering to your husband, relinquishing control of the finances is not a good idea for women whose husbands have an active addiction, such as alcoholism or gambling, are chronically unfaithful or physically abusive. If you’re still uncertain whether your husband falls into one of these categories, do not proceed with surrendering. Instead, seek the help of a therapist or support group and determine whether you are with a safe man before you go any further.
If your husband already handles the financial affairs, I applaud your faith and ability to trust that you will be taken care of and would bet that you are already enjoying a degree of intimacy that many women have never experienced. However, I still encourage you to read this chapter to check for ways that you might still be subtly controlling with money.
THIS IS NOT FINANCIAL SUICIDE
Surrendering the financial control is essential for intimacy even if:
• You’ve maintained separate accounts for years and it’s working just fine.
• You make more money than he does.
• You fear he’ll bounce checks, or spend unwisely.
• You think you’ll have less money for yourself.
If you’re thinking it’s about time you threw out this book right about now, take a deep breath and keep reading. If you’re afraid of feeling powerless over your own hard-earned income, keep in mind that control is not the same as power. You are still going to have all the same spending power you’ve always had—without the hassle of doing the bookkeeping. You’ll simply tell your husband what you need. No more calling the bank, balancing statements, or fretting about unexpected expenses. That’s less stress—not less power.
THE THREE MIRACLES TO EXPECT
“There is no wealth but life.”
—JOHN RUSKIN
The unromantic mother/son dynamic (where you tell your husband how much he can spend or what he can buy) is the first thing to go when you let him manage the finances. Remember: Men are not attracted to their mothers. The other changes that came about when I surrendered the finances were astounding. Not only was I reenergized when I stopped nagging and worrying, but there were miracles that I hadn’t experienced since those glory days when John and I were dating:
1. The miracle of perpetual dating:
Remember when you and your husband first met and you basked in the feeling of being taken care of every time he paid the dinner bill, bought the movie tickets, or financed a trip? Why should that warm feeling disappear after years of marriage? When your husband manages the finances, you may feel vulnerable, yes, but you will also feel protected and looked after.
Perpetual dating literally means returning to the roles each of you played during your courtship. Remember how much fun that was? Let him open the door for you. Order what appeals to you instead of trying to keep the price down. Don’t begrudge him spending money on his soda. Thank him for dinner, and tell him how much you enjoyed being with him. Let him take you out the way he used to. Or, if he didn’t take you out in the beginning, let him start doing it now. You deserve it.
2. The miracle of increased generosity:
When husbands manage the money, they tend to be much more generous with their wives than the wives were with themselves. Perhaps it’s because we’re just trying to be practical and spend less to put a little more into savings or pay off debt or swing a room addition for the house. We know we can get by with the shoes we have. But to our husbands, giving us things above and beyond what we need is a joy, so they surprise and spoil us.
When we slice and dice the family income, we rob them of the joy of giving. No matter how successful he is, he feels like a little worker bee, passively providing for his family. Instead of showering his wife with gifts, he simply puts a roof over her head, food on the table, and clothes on her back. By contrast, when your husband controls the finances, he is in the position to give you gifts every day. If you’re concerned that he’ll forget or one day deny you your gifts, don’t worry. That would be letting down the person who means the most to him in the world, and more than anything, men love the pride that comes with providing for and treating their wives. That delicious feeling of self-worth makes him feel masculine—and that’s a wonderful jumping off point for intimacy.
3. The miracle of greater prosperity:
When you are in charge of the balances, your husband has no relationship to the money he earns. He is removed from any incentive to increase his income because he has little influence over how the money’s spent.
When husbands have an immediate relationship with the finances, they feel the urgency to keep the coffers full and to earn more and provide well. Men have a clearer sense of where the money’s going and how much extra (or deficit) is left after the bills are paid when they have a firsthand account of the family’s monetary needs.
Furthermore, if he’s had to accommodate your tendency to control everything—from when he goes to the doctor and dentist to how much money he spends—he has felt demeaned on some level, even if he hasn’t expressed it. If you’ve long suspected that your husband could be making more money or doing more with his talents, you’re probably right. Once he feels respected at home, his self-esteem increases, making him much more powerful at work. If the woman who knows him better than anyone else thinks he is sharp enough to handle the finances for the whole family and thanks him for doing such a good job, then he will start to believe that he is indeed smart and capable.
It makes sense if you think about it. The more you feel you’re worth, the more likely you are to prosper. For instance:
• Theresa’s husband, Steve, got a $20,000-a-year raise just a few months after she adopted the principles of a surrendered wife.
• Gina has no idea how much money her husband is making now, but she has a lot more disposable income than she did before she started surrendering.
• Elizabeth’s husband won a sales contest, made a huge bonus and got an all-expenses paid trip just a month after she started surrendering.
• They took the most extravagant trip of their lives.
RELEASE YOUR GRIP
“I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.”
—HENNY YOUNGMAN
Even if you’re nervous about surrendering the finances, act as if you’re confident and follow the instructions below. You can consider it an experiment, if that helps, or, if you need more motivation, think about how exhausted and overwhelmed you are. I know it’s not easy, but you can do it. Remember to stay focused on all the benefits you’ll receive: more free time, more gifts, a greater sense of being cared for, less stress, greater prosperity, and better intimacy.
Here’s how you actually go about doing it:
Step 1: Merge Your Money
There can be no intimacy unless there is vulnerability, and one of the ways wives avoid vulnerability (and therefore intimacy) is by controlling the family’s cash flow. As an act of your faith in your husband’s ability—ability to earn, spend, and manage money wisely—give him all of the money you earn or receive from other sources. Trusting him doesn’t mean you will have to go without. It means he will give you cash to buy the things you need, which is just what you would have done yourself anyway.
There’s no need to panic. In Step 2 you will discover that you’ll enjoy the same standard of living—if not better—as you have grown accustomed to providing for yourself.
I know that if you’re a breadwinner, the idea of turning over your entire paycheck sounds particularly loathsome. However, if you’ve been managing a joint checking account where his money is deposited, then he was doing the very thing you’re dreading. If he was willing to do this, why shouldn’t you be?
If you’ve been maintaining separate accounts and separate finances, I strongly suggest pooling your money in a joint checking account that he manages. You’ve been holding back in a way that may have simply seemed more convenient, but it was also guarded. If what you want is intimacy, you must let down your guard.
Until you are willing to intertwine financially, you will never be able to cross the chasm that keeps you from intertwining emotionally. If these words make your heart race, join the club. You can think of plenty of objections—not to mention the legions of feminists, accountants, and marriage counselors who will say that giving your husband all your money is a terrible idea. Yet, I’ve never seen it fail to make both husband and wife happier and ultimately more prosperous.
If you’re still panicking, keep in mind that you can always go back to the way you’re doing things now. Start strong and act as if you have every confidence that your husband will manage the finances as well as (or better than) you did.
Step 2: Make a Spending Plan
When I teach women about making spending plans in my intimacy workshops, someone always incredulously asks me why I would put myself on a budget. The word budget, like the word diet, makes people cringe because it implies an uncomfortable restriction. It brings to mind clipping coupons and suffering through tuna fish lunches.
But a spending plan is different because it allows you to live in the comfortable style to which you have grown accustomed; it is not designed to save money, but rather to predict what you will need each month, on a month-by-month basis.
Only you can determine your needs. Here are some steps to help you devise your spending plan easily and accurately.
1. Predict your expenses based on what you usually spend and remember to be generous to yourself in your plan, especially for the first month.
Get a realistic sense of what you need by keeping track of what you spend for a month. To do this, make a list of your household purchases. For instance, my spending plan includes funds for clothes, makeup, gas for my car, going out with my girlfriends, facials and manicures, books, CDs, gifts, massages, groceries and home furnishings. My spending plan does not include household expenses such as rent or mortgage, utilities, credit card bills, car payments, or other fixed monthly expenses. Nor do I include my car payment, the cleaning lady, student loans, or the cost of going out on a date with my husband. He handles those for us.
My friends who have children cover their children’s needs in their spending plans: they account for toys, diapers, clothes, baby-sitting, entertainment, birthday parties, and all the other things that children need for their health and happiness.
Although my spending plan tends to be consistent, each month I make a new one, so that I don’t ever feel hemmed in. For example, if I want to buy a new bedroom set, my spending plan would be unusually large one month. Then, if I’m not going to buy any new furniture the following month, it would drop down to my usual plan again.
2. Tell your husband you want your spending plan money in cash.
He may give you a certain amount weekly, monthly, or on paydays. There are two key benefits to doing this. One, you’ll never need to use a credit card, ATM card, or checkbook to pay for anything. Without those so-called “conveniences,” it’s harder to spend more than you have and easier to figure out what the heck happened on the monthly statement. Two, it’s a very powerful feeling to have all that money in your possession.
Having cash gives you autonomy to spend what you want when you want, instead of having to find out if there’s money in the checking account first.
3. Don’t worry that your husband may not be able to afford your spending plan.
This is not your concern. When you give it to him, it will be up to him to decide if you get all of it. Perhaps you will get more, perhaps you will get less. In either case, you should thank him for the money and make do with it knowing that it is the most he can afford while still keeping the family’s other interests in mind. Remember that sometimes you had more and sometimes you had to make do with less when you were managing the money too. As with any gift, receive it graciously. The minute you start complaining, you’re no longer being gracious.
4. Once you’ve developed a generous spending plan for yourself, the most important thing is to live within it.
It is essential for your husband to be able to predict accurately the family expenditures without worrying that you are going to throw him a curve ball in the middle of the month. You also want to maintain your credibility. Sticking to your plan lets him know that you will be taken care of for the month if he gives you the amount you ask for.
Go easy on yourself. Remember, the goal here is not to save money, although if you do (and you very well might), that’s great. This is not a good time to quit long-standing habits—such as going to Starbucks in the morning—in order to save money. Don’t leave the luxuries out of your spending plan. For now, just indulge yourself, and be sure to let your husband know how grateful you are for that fresh coffee every morning.
5. Revise your spending plan each month.
If you find you really have trouble sticking to your spending plan, you may have underestimated your needs, which is why I reevaluate my plan each month. I repeat: You don’t need to feel hemmed in by your spending plan.
However, if you continue to have trouble month after month, you may be a compulsive spender. In this case, I highly recommend you contact Debtors Anonymous, which is patterned after Alcoholics Anonymous and provides a spiritual program to help compulsive debtors and spenders learn to make good decisions with money. If you continue to spend or debt compulsively, there is little hope of having true intimacy with your husband. Since DA is a free program, there’s no reason to put off contacting them:
Debtors Anonymous
P.O. Box 920888, Needham, MA 02492-0009
phone: 781-453-2743
Web site: www.debtorsanonymous.org
Step 3: Put the Checkbook Down and Leave It There
Proceed with caution on this step, as it’s a bit tricky. I’ve seen some wives who are ostensibly surrendering the finances broach the idea by saying, “You have to take care of the checkbook and give me money for my spending plan.”
This is still telling him what to do and does not improve things at all.
When Lynda asked her husband if he wanted to take the checkbook, he said, “No. That’s okay.” Then she called me to tell me that she couldn’t do this part because her husband didn’t want to. No surprise. Lynda had not relinquished control. Instead, she had asked for permission to keep control, and gotten it.
Even if you think your husband will be happy to control the money, remember that you are introducing a change to the status quo, and that’s always jarring. You will want to approach the conversation with a spirit of humility by telling your husband that you can’t manage the finances anymore because you’re too stressed out. This is true—you really can’t do it and have the renewed intimacy, romance, passion, and emotional connection you want with your husband.
Some women can’t bring themselves to say that they can’t do the finances anymore, so they announce that they don’t want to do them, but I don’t recommend that. Most husbands hear this as a complaint, along the lines of “I don’t want to do the laundry today,” rather than as a request for help.
I know you don’t like the phrase “I can’t.” I know women have spent the past thirty-five years affirming that we can do anything, I know that a good therapist might coach you to say “I choose not to” instead of “can’t.”
However, the problem with eliminating the words “I can’t” from your vocabulary is that it makes it very difficult to set limits. Saying “I can’t” is a good shorthand for saying, “It’s not worth what it would cost me.” It’s also a great reminder for anyone who’s listening (including ourselves) that we’re mortal women—not superwomen. Saying “I can’t” is more vulnerable and more compelling because you’re not just complaining—you’re acknowledging your own limits and admitting that you need assistance. Loving husbands always honor a cry for help.
For example, if your child came to you and said, “Mom, I don’t want to do my homework,” you’d probably respond by saying it’s understandable but that she had to do it anyway. On the other hand, if your child said, “Mom, I can’t do my homework,” you’d probably respond by offering some assistance. See the difference?
GOD DIDN’T PUT YOU IN CHARGE OF THE BILLS
Sometimes a woman who is accustomed to paying the bills has come to see it as her job, so when she puts down the checkbook, she feels as if she is not meeting her share of the responsibilities. She will ask me how she can get her husband to take responsibility for her job after all these years. If you feel this way, ask yourself why you believe handling the money is your responsibility. Unless God himself told you that you should do it, you probably just assumed the task years ago. All you have to do now is stop assuming it. You don’t have to make your husband take it, you just have to let it go.
I’m not saying it’s easy let go, but it is very simple. If you’re holding something you can’t hold anymore, you just put it down.
A good way to relinquish financial responsibility is to get out the checkbook and say, “I can’t pay the bills anymore. I’m just too stressed and overwhelmed.” If you want, you can add that you feel he would do a better job with managing the money. That’s all you need to say, so once you’ve said it, STOP TALKING. Then put the checkbook down on a table or counter or some other neutral spot. Don’t pick it back up, even if you see it still there several days later.
Do not explain how to balance the checkbook.
Do not tell him which bills need to be paid.
Do not offer any assistance at all unless he specifically asks you for help. He probably won’t.
You may be wondering what happened to the part where he picks up the checkbook and happily and dutifully writes the checks without any confusion or confrontation. Don’t worry about that. You don’t need to control what happens from here at all. Instead, focus on taking care of yourself, which you’ve already started to do. It’s up to him to figure out what to do next, and it may take him a little while to make a decision. You may not get a response like, “Okay, then I’ll take it over,” but let him take care of it anyway. The only other action you need to take is to give him your spending plan.
It’s common for husbands to grumble or object when you have this conversation with them. Remember—don’t engage. When Liz tried to relinquish the household finances, Greg expressed his disappointment in her: “I thought we were a team,” he complained. “I don’t have time to do it because I work so much. It’s easier for you to do it.”
Just listen to your husband’s response. Don’t offer to do anything differently. For example, if he says, “Well I certainly don’t have time to pay bills,” you could just acknowledge that you hear him by saying, “I hear you.” This doesn’t mean that you’re taking it back, just that you’re listening. Don’t try to fix the problem at this point, because you’ll only end up back where you started. Stick to your original declaration—that you just can’t do it. No further explanation is necessary.
Fortunately, Liz was able to resist this bait and say nothing. Gregg did take over the checkbook, and later he even took over the books for Liz’s business. Some months later, I asked him how he liked handling all the finances for the family.
“I wouldn’t have it any other way,” he said with a big smile.
Obviously, he was feeling powerful and accomplished at providing so well for his family. Of course, that was partly because Liz had done such a good job with sticking to her spending plan.
REDISCOVERING HIS GENEROUS NATURE
“One does not toss out the gold because the bag is dirty.”
—BUDDHA
Each wife I’ve suggested these steps to has had a list of objections as long as my arm. Some wives are concerned that managing the household finances will be too much of a burden for a husband who works hard, has health problems, or is not good at math. Whatever your objection, you are really saying that your husband is incapable. You are probably afraid to rely on him.
Have a little faith. Remember, you married this man because you saw that he was smart and capable. Why should you doubt him now? He’s still that same dependable guy. Pretend you believe in him, even if you don’t feel that way and he will rise to the occasion. I see it happen every time.
Having faith in your husband means that you don’t open the mail to see if he paid the bills on time. It means you don’t check the balance in the checking account to see what’s in there. It means you don’t panic when he makes a mistake that costs him money. As long as your needs are met—if there’s a roof over your head, gas in your car, food in your refrigerator, clothes in your closet, money in your purse—try not to panic. Give your man the chance to do things for you.
Some wives are concerned that their husbands are stingy and will deny them extras like facials, pedicures or babysitters. Stingy husbands are a common by-product of controlling wives, and in every case I’ve seen, the stinginess disappears when the wife relinquishes control. You will never know how generous your husband is until you let go of the finances in your home. For a preview of coming attractions, think about whether you found him stingy during your courtship. The man who wooed you is about to return … if you’ll let him.
MARVEL AT YOUR PERFECT MATCH
Of course surrendering the finances to your husband doesn’t mean that he’ll never make a mistake. Beth had been surrendering for several months when the phone was disconnected for nonpayment. She was mortified at having to go to a neighbor’s to call her husband at work. Instead of berating him or criticizing him for letting it happen, she simply told him the phone was shut off and that she did not like it. Before the day was through, her phone was back on, and Beth had had a chance to talk to other women about how embarrassed and disappointed she felt. When her husband came home from work, she thanked him for paying the bill and resisted the temptation to rage at him. I marveled at her maturity.
Perhaps Beth would have been justified in yelling at her husband that it was unacceptable to have the phone shut off. She could have complained about the inconvenience and embarrassment of looking broke or irresponsible in front of a neighbor. That might have made her feel better in the short run. But shame kills intimacy. Beth kept her eye on the ball: having intimacy with her husband. The choice was hers: She could let the phone disconnection be an inconvenience or a major trauma. Beth chose the former, and although she felt touchy that evening because of that incident, at least there was no fallout with her husband to clean up later.
The following month, the electricity at my house was disconnected for nonpayment. I thought of Beth and was inspired by her level-headedness. I actually laughed out loud at the irony. Here I was, writing a book telling other women to trust their husbands to pay the bills, and in the process of doing just that, I couldn’t even turn on my computer!
The weather happened to be gorgeous, and I wish I could tell you that I took this opportunity to go out in the backyard and enjoy the sun. I wish I could say that we ordered in dinner and lit candles that evening. I wish I could say I had the serenity to let my husband take care of everything.
Unfortunately, I can’t tell you that without lying like a rug.
Instead of relaxing, I went into survival mode, located the checkbook, and went to the nearest payment office. I wrote a check even though I had no idea what was in our checking account. The power was back on in a couple of hours, but I had missed an opportunity to trust and relax. When I called Beth to tell her she was not the only one who had had this experience, I realized that I would probably have to live through the whole episode again, just so I could get it right the next time.
Of course I could have focused on how I had trusted John and he had let me down, and I could have decided right then and there that I would take responsibility for the bills again. In that moment I was tempted. But as the poster child for surrendering, I couldn’t stop doing what I was telling other women to do. Instead, I was forced to remember that I, too, had made some mistakes when I was handling the money.
I had always paid the utility bills, true, but I’d made some other costly moves. For instance, I started a small business that was a money drain from the time I opened the doors to the day I closed it six months later. I had bought things on credit that we couldn’t afford and bounced plenty of checks. I even compulsively bought a small condo that we ended up living in for four dreary years. To me, my actions didn’t seem irresponsible because they were my mistakes. But if I was going to be fair I couldn’t very well point a finger at him without looking at my own shortcomings.
Like water seeking its own level, John and I match: We both had a degree of irresponsibility with money.
It occurred to me then that I couldn’t remember a single time that John had criticized or belittled me for my money mistakes. I decided to cut him some slack, particularly since he was doing a job I could no longer handle.
Fortunately, my husband, like most, is a quick learner, and he’s never made a mistake paying the utility bills again.
As I’ve said before, you and your husband match perfectly too. Just because he’s a free spender and you tend to be conservative with money doesn’t mean it’s time to call a lawyer. There are lots of ways to “match.” For instance, his overspending may be the shadow side of your tendency to hoard, since neither approach is truly balanced. Perhaps your fear of losing money is the flip side of his ambition to invest aggressively for bigger returns. Maybe you’re the one who always has money in the bank, but he’s the one who really knows how to have a good time.
One of the gifts of marriage is that as you grow and become more intimate, each of you heals in areas that you might never have expected. You may find your fear of financial insecurity lifts when you know someone responsible and loyal is steering the ship. He may feel his urge to make impulse purchases diminish as he realizes there’s nobody telling him what he can and cannot buy. You will both gain wisdom and maturity. Ultimately you will bring out the best in each other as you continue to master this intricate, magical dance.