Birdie
“Birdie, is everything okay?” My coworker and friend Olivia looked at me keenly over the lunch table in our office break room. I prayed she couldn’t read my mind.
“Yeah. Why?” I asked her.
“You’re being awfully quiet.” Olivia looked over at Magnolia, Jane, and Millie, who all nodded in agreement. I loved the women I worked with and they were some of my closest friends, but sometimes I hated that they were so perceptive. It was definitely a plus when your friends could tell something was wrong just from your expression, but sometimes, you just want to be left alone.
“Yeah, girl. What’s going on?” Magnolia’s eyes and voice both expressed concern.
“Well, guys, what do you think is going on?” I said with a dramatic sigh.
“Uh oh.” Magnolia smirked. “I’m not sure, but I think you’re going to tell us.”
“It’s not funny, Magnolia. I’m literally in despair right now.”
“What happened?” Jane asked. I could tell from the expression on her face that she was genuinely concerned—unlike Magnolia, who thought I was a drama queen.
“Y’all, my mom called me this morning,” I admitted.
“Okay. And?” Olivia prodded.
“I have to go home for my grandparents’ anniversary, which is fine, I haven’t seen my parents in a while, anyway. But she also told me that Abilene Beauregard had a message for me.”
“Hold up.” Olivia laughed. “Who is Abilene Beauregard? Why do I feel like I’ve got a bit role in Gone with The Wind?”
“I forgot I haven’t told you guys. Abilene Beauregard belongs to an organization my mom’s a part of. You guys might know it. Daughters of the Confederacy?”
“Never heard of it before in my life,” Jane said with a laugh.
“Okay, well, it doesn’t matter. It’s a Southern thing. I bet if you asked Tate, he would know.” Tate was Jane’s boyfriend, who was also from the South. “It’s an organization for women who are—”
“Let me guess,” Jane grinned. “Daughters of the Confederacy?”
“Yeah. Well, anyway, Abilene Beauregard is also my ex’s mom.”
“Oh wow, why didn’t you lead with that?” Millie’s jaw dropped, “And she’s still good friends with your mom?”
“Yeah, they’re still good friends. And apparently, my ex is coming to town and—”
“Oh, my gosh. Do not tell me that your mom wants you to meet up with him?” Magnolia looked at me sympathetically. She gently patted my hand. “Okay, I understand why you’re upset now.”
“Yeah. As if I was going to show him around town! Who does Hunter Augustus Beauregard think he is?”
“That is not his name!” Jane laughed. “Hunter Augustus Beauregard?”
“Oh, and I forgot the third. He’s officially Hunter Augustus Beauregard III. How pretentious is that?”
“Um, wow. And I thought Tate’s family was hardcore. Your family and your ex’s family sound even more hardcore.” Jane shook her head.
“Yeah, I guess that’s how we do it in South Carolina.” I laughed, “I mean, don’t get me wrong. I loved growing up there, and I loved my life, but I need more. I’m no longer the ditzy cheerleader who dated the quarterback in high school and college. I’ve moved on, and he should move on, too.”
“No way. Why does that not surprise me that you were a cheerleader?” Olivia grinned. “And you dated the quarterback? How cliché is that?”
“It’s as cliché as you can think it was. We’d been friends all our lives. We started dating as freshmen in high school. We went all the way as juniors in high school. We went to homecoming and prom together, junior and senior year. We both ended up at the University of South Carolina, where he was on the football team, and I was on the cheerleading squad. And everyone thought we would get married and have a big, beautiful family.” I rolled my eyes. “Obviously, that didn’t happen.”
“So, what happened?” Millie asked. “Sounds like you guys had everything planned.”
“You guys don’t even want to know.” I shook my head, “Trust me. It’s embarrassing, and it’s horrible, and he’s an asshole, and I never want to see him or speak to him again.”
“Wow …” Jane was clearly curious. “I’m puzzled, though. You guys were together for so long.”
“Yeah, we were together for a long time, but I wised up, and I realized that he was just a jerk.”
“You’re not going to tell us what happened?” Olivia said. “Please tell us. Please?”
“I don’t want to say right now. I’m already in a bad mood.”
“Why are you in a bad mood, Birdie?” Millie asked.
“Well, you guys all have boyfriends. You’re all talking about going away on a vacation together. And here I am, the fifth wheel with no mate, no potential, and no plans to go on a holiday with my friends.”
“You’re not the fifth wheel. You can come too.”
“Oh yeah, right. Like I’m going to go with you guys and all your boyfriends, and it’s just going to be me by myself? Like, how much fun is that going to be?”
“You might meet a guy on the trip.”
“Okay. As much fun as that sounds, what am I going to be, like the slut of the trip? You guys all go home to your boyfriends every night. And I’m going back to my room with a different random guy?” I grinned. “I mean, that might not be so bad, but it’s pretty pathetic, especially seeing that two of your boyfriends are my bosses. Do I really want my boss to know that I’m hooking up with every Tom, Dick, and Harry?”
“Girl, Tate and Jagger already know that you hook up.” Magnolia laughed. “Everyone knows everyone’s business in this office.”
“Well, I flirt and I dance around, but that’s about it.” I sighed. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Like, why can’t I meet a nice guy, too?”
“I bet you you’ll meet someone,” Olivia said with a grin. “I bet you that by the time we’re buying the tickets for our trip, you’ll have someone as well, and you’ll be able to take him.”
“Oh my gosh. That would be absolutely amazing.” I sighed. “I just want to meet a nice, mature guy. What is so hard about that? Where did all the mature men go?”
“Did you really say ‘mature’ and ‘man’ in the same sentence?” Magnolia laughed. “Trust me. You all know Jagger, and you know how much I love him, but I would not call him ‘mature’ in a million years.”
“Fair enough.” I laughed. “I wouldn’t call him mature, either, but at least he’s really cute, and he’s really rich. That makes up for a lot.”
“So, your ex wasn’t really cute and really rich? It sounds like he was rich with a name like Hunter Augustus Beauregard III.” Jane put on a posh accent.
“His family had a lot of money. I mean really old money, like Southern plantation money. La di da.” I wrinkled my nose and held it up in the air. “I mean, it was nice. He got me lots of cool presents, but that’s not everything.”
“But was he cute?” Olivia prodded.
“He was okay.” I tried not to think of Hunter’s big blue eyes and golden blonde hair. He was hot, but Hunter Beauregard had broken my heart, and I was never going to forgive him for what he’d done. He’d made me the laughing stock of the entire school. And I was frankly too embarrassed to tell my friends. They’d think I was an idiot, or stupid, or that I had self-esteem issues. Frankly, I didn’t know exactly what they’d think, but I knew that it wouldn’t be pretty. Maybe they’d feel sorry for me, and I didn’t want them to feel sorry for me. I just wanted to forget the whole incident forever.
“Anyway, I don’t want to talk about him right now, or about dating. I just want to forget about all of it.” I took another bite of my salad. “I just feel like my life is a complete and utter mess, and I need to do something to change it. I really do. I just don’t know what.” I stabbed at a bit of cucumber with my fork. “Maybe I’m just meant to be alone, you know?”
Olivia gave me a knowing look, “Do you really think you want to be alone, Birdie?”
“I do. So where are you guys planning on going on your vacation, anyway? Please do not say to New Orleans. I have bad memories of Mardi Gras.”
“Where do you not have bad memories?” Millie said with a laugh, “Birdie, I feel like your entire past is just one long, bad memory.”
“It’s not one long, bad memory. There are lots of small bad memories—and lots of small, good memories as well,” I admitted. “I mean, I had a lot of fun getting those beads at Mardi Gras, if you know what I mean.” I laughed, “Oh my gosh. I sound like the whore of Babylon.”
“Oh, Birdie!” they all chorused together. And we all started laughing. I was starting to feel better. I was glad my friends were helping me to get out of my funk.
“So where are you guys thinking of going?” I asked again.
Magnolia spoke up. “What about one of the Caribbean islands?”
Olivia shook her head. “That’s so far away.”
“What about Hawaii? I love Hawaii,” Jane said. “It’s one of my favorite places.”
“What island would we go to?” Millie said. “Oahu? Maui? Kauai? Honolulu?”
“I want to go to Hawaii.” I pouted. “I’ve always wanted to go to Hawaii. I figured I could learn how to surf, and then I’d look so cute in a little itsy, bitsy, teeny bikini, and all the guys would want me.”
“So, come with us, girl.” Olivia laughed. “Sounds like you’d really enjoy it.”
“Well, maybe if you guys go to Hawaii, I’ll come.”
“I was thinking we could go skiing,” Magnolia said. “Maybe we could go to Colorado.”
“Nope,” Olivia said quickly, “No way in hell am I going skiing for a vacation. That does not sound fun.”
“Skiing’s fun,” Jane insisted. “Or maybe you could try snowboarding.”
Olivia stared at her. “Do I look like I want to go skiing or snowboarding? Wearing a million different layers? I don’t think so.”
“Yeah,” I shook my head. “Skiing is not for us Southern girls. Not at all.”
Olivia gave me a high five, and we laughed.
“What about Europe?” Jane suggested. “We could go to England or France or—”
“Girls, I can’t afford that,” I spoke up, “If you do want me to come, it can’t be in Europe.”
“So, I guess an African safari is out as well?” Millie said.
“If I can’t afford to go to London, do you really think I can afford to go to Africa for a safari? Because if we do that, I’m not going on one of those camping safaris. I want to stay in a lodge, and I do not have lodge money. Trust me. You guys know how much I make.”
Olivia was the accountant at the office. “I know how much you make, and yeah, I think African safaris are out, unless you get a boyfriend.”
“Yeah, I mean, if I got a boyfriend, a whole lot would change. Shit, I might be up for Antarctica.”
“Antarctica!” Jane rolled her eyes. “Skiing and snowboarding are out, but you’d go to Antarctica?”
“Dude, that’s a whole ’nother continent,” I laughed. “Who doesn’t want to go to Antarctica?”
“Oh my gosh!” Magnolia giggled. “Birdie, you’re just too much.”
“Hey, what can I say? I live up to my name.” I giggled. “Okay. We better finish eating and get back to the office. I have a feeling Tate’s going to be wondering where we are.”
“Don’t worry about him,” Jane said with a grin. “If he wants to get mouthy, I’ll tell him what’s up.”
“Oh, yeah?” I laughed, “What are you going to do to him in the office to keep him quiet?”
“Let’s just say that whatever I decide to do … it wouldn’t be the first time,” she said with a wink, and we all burst out laughing.
I looked down at my plate as everyone got their credit cards ready to pay. I wish I had a guy that I could go back and have a quick office bang with. I knew it was crude, but where was my man? Where was my man I could shut up with some hot sex? I had no one. Absolutely no one.
I definitely needed to fix my current situation. And I definitely needed to tell Hunter Augustus Beauregard that he needed to leave me alone, and he needed to tell his mom to stop calling my mom and to leave her alone as well. He was never going to be welcome back into my life again. Never, ever, ever. I didn’t care what he did or what he said. He was my past. And one thing I’d learned since I’d been in San Francisco was that the past was the past, and it’s never a good idea to welcome asshole exes back into your life.