Birdie
I knew that it shouldn't be this hard to figure out how I was feeling. I knew that I was overthinking everything that was going on. I needed to just go with the flow and let Hunter show me who he was now. Hunter was different from the boy I'd known years ago. He was different than I remembered. It was hard to stay angry at him. I tried to forget that he'd been my first love, my first lover, my first everything. I tried to remember how he'd betrayed me, how he hadn't cared about my feelings and had been an asshole, but I was failing terribly. I picked up the phone and I called Olivia. She was always the voice of reason in situations like this. She would help me to get my head on straight.
"Hey girl, what's going on?" She answered after a couple of rings and I smiled at how I could always rely on her to be there for me.
"Hey, not much. What are you up to?" Small talk was always the way to go when you felt confused and conflicted.
"I was just watching TV," she groaned. "You know how it is when you want to be productive, but you also want to be entertained?"
"Yeah. Watching anything good."
"Have you seen the Good Fight?"
"I'm not sure. It doesn’t sound familiar."
"It's a series set after the Good Wife, remember that show with Julianna Margulies."
"Oh, kind of. I didn't really watch it, but I've heard of it." Small talk was helping to get Hunter’s face out of my head.
"Yeah, well I'm just watching the Good Fight right now. It’s about a law firm, so completely out my whole world purvey." She laughed.
"It's really good, huh?"
She groaned. "Oh my gosh. It’s so good, it’s addicting. Sorry, I’m sure you didn’t call to hear about my love for TV...."
"Hey that's okay."
"So what are you up to Birdie?"
"I was just here chilling, thinking about, you know, who." Finally, I was ready to talk about him.
"Uh oh, good thinking or bad thinking?"
"A little bit of both, if I'm honest." It was always good and bad when I thought about Hunter.
"Oh boy."
"Yeah. Today was fun. We actually went to Oakland."
"No way. He took you to Oakland?" She sounded as surprised as I felt when we had arrived.
"Yeah. We went to the Oakland Hills. It was kind of cool. He took me on the short little hike and we got to see this really scenic vista."
"A scenic vista, huh?"
"You know what I mean."
"Kind of, so you had fun?"
"Yeah," I paused. "Well, you know..."
"That sounded like an enthusiastic yeah to me," she was too observant. "So did you guys kiss again?"
"No!" I shouted a bit too forcefully. "His sister was there and his sister's best friend Shelby."
"Ooh. Okay. Interesting."
"What's interesting about that?"
"I'm just surprised that he took his sister."
"Yeah. I mean, I told you he was going to though, right?"
"Oh, maybe I can't really remember. So are you coming to work tomorrow?"
"Yeah. I ‘ll be there. It’s just that..." I paused.
"Okay Birdie, let it out. What's troubling you?"
"I just feel weird you know?"
"What's got you feeling weird?"
"I don't know. Hanging out with Hunter again after all these years."
"Do you not like it?"
"I mean, that's the problem I think. I had a really great time. It actually reminded me of when we were dating and the good times that we had."
"That’s not a bad thing then, is it?"
"It shouldn't be a bad thing, but he wasn't a good boyfriend. Well, I mean, in the beginning he was a good boyfriend, but towards the end, he wasn't."
"Yeah, I guess I understand that. So we're not going to see him again?"
"I don't know what to do. I mean, he'd liked to hang out again and he'd like to be friends I think. And a part of me thinks that would be really cool. But then the other part of me thinks, am I being a stupid idiot? You know, forgiving him so quickly."
"Well, I don't really know what you want me to say, Birdie. I mean, only you can make that decision."
"I know, but I feel like he hasn't even earned the right to come back into my life, you know? Like one little weak apology and that's it."
"So then make him earn it."
"How do I make him earn it?"
"I don't know. Maybe we should have a girls' night and we can all have some drinks and think about the best way that you can make that happen."
"Yeah, sure. The last time we were going to have a girls night, it was just you and me," I sighed. "And that's the other thing."
"What?"
"What if the only reason I'm giving him another chance, even as friends is because I'm lonely."
"What do you mean you're lonely?"
"I mean, you all have guys and I have no one and you know, sometimes it just sucks. I don’t know, it’s just that sometimes...."
"What?"
"Sometimes I just feel like a loser and I just feel like I'm going to be alone forever."
"Birdie, you're still in your early twenties."
"I know, but I don't know. Just feels like I don't meet anyone that I have any sort of real connection with. Yeah. I make out with some random guys, but that's not going anywhere. And yeah, I still have time, but I just don't even feel like I'm meeting anyone that I'm compatible with. And it feels like I won't ever meet anyone that I'm compatible with."
"And do you think that's got to do with them or you?"
"What do you mean? Has that got to do with me?"
"Like, do you think that the reason you're not meeting guys that you're compatible with is because you're still hung up on one very specific guy?" She spoke softly and all I could do was stand there and think.
"I mean, I don't know. I can't lie when I see Hunter, I do still feel things for him, but..."
"I know you don't want to give in to those thoughts because he hurt you and he treated you badly and you didn't really resolve those issues did you?"
“No. I mean, I don't know if he thinks we resolved the issues just because he said he was sorry," I let out a sigh. "Knowing him, that's what he thinks."
"He thinks one little sorry means you're going to forgive him?"
"I think so. But I mean, what else can I say? What else can I do? I don't want to be like the harpy that goes on, and on, and on about it. Especially seeing as we're not dating anymore."
"Well, you have to be honest with yourself and with him, what are you looking for? And what do you need?"
"What do you mean, what do I need?"
"If you're going to continue a friendship with him, what do you need? If you're going to be in a relationship with him, what do you need?"
"I don't know that I need anything."
"So you don't want to be friends with him anymore?"
"I mean, I think it would be cool."
"So then if you do want to be friends with him, what do you need from him for a friendship to work?"
"What... Oh, I just don't even know how to answer that or what to think."
"What do you mean, you just don't know what to think?"
"I mean, I just don't know what to think." Olivia had asked me some good questions, but I felt like my emotions and my wants were all over the place. Seeing Hunter again had turned my entire life upside down.
"Oh, Birdie. Let me call the girls and see if we can all meet up for drinks in like an hour, does that work?"
"I guess so. I'm an idiot aren't I?"
"Why are you an idiot?"
"Because I have no clue what I'm doing, or what I'm thinking and-"
"Birdie enough okay. I think you're totally overthinking everything and that's okay. This guy has come back into your life out of nowhere, and it's taken you by surprise. And I think you just don't know how to react to that. And that's okay. I don't know that I would know how to react to that either."
"You know Olivia, you're the greatest."
"I don't know that I'm the greatest, but I'm trying to be fair to you, and to him okay?"
"Okay."
"I'm going to text you the bar we're going to meet at."
"You don't even know if the other girls will come. You know that..."
She interrupted me. "I'll make sure that they come."
"Really Olivia?"
"Hey, it's one for all, and all for one, right? If one of us is in need, we all need to be there."
"Thanks, Olivia. I really, really appreciate you."
"Hey, don't worry. I know you do the same thing for me."
"Okay. Well, I'm going to go and get ready. Text me where to meet?"
"Okay, will do."
"Bye." I hung up the phone and smiled to myself. That's what I needed. I needed to speak to my friends, and I needed a drink, and I needed them to give me some advice because the way everything was going, I was in deep trouble. The phone rang and I grabbed it again quickly.
"Hey, did you figure out the bar already?"
"Did I figure out what bar already?" A deep voice said. And I groaned, "Oh, hey, sorry. I thought you were someone else."
"Who did you think I was?" Hunter didn't sound pleased.
"Oh, just a friend," I said with a small smile in my voice. He didn't have to know which friend.
"Which friend?" He said.
I chuckled, "Oh, that's none of your business Hunter. And you don't really know my friends here. So it doesn't really matter if I give you a name."
"A female friend or a male friend?"
"Does it matter?"
"I'm just curious. Is this a friend that you hang out with and laugh and giggle? Or is this a friend that you hang out with and laugh and make out?"
"Really Hunter?"
"What?" He said innocently. "I'm just curious."
"Well, you can be curious all you want because I'm not going to answer that question. You don't hear me asking you."
"Well, I didn't pick up the phone thinking you were someone else."
"Well you didn't pick up the phone thinking I was someone else because I didn't call you."
"Touché." He said, "Touché."
"So what do you want Hunter?"
"Well, I was actually just calling to see what you were up to, but I guess you're a busy lady and you have plans."
"Yep. I'm busy so can you make it quick?"
"Wow. Okay. I didn't think you were going to be so distant again. After the nice day we had."
"I'm not being distant, but you know I'm going out and I have to get ready and so?"
"Ah, so you are meeting a guy."
"What did you want?" I mumbled. “And why do you think that I’m meeting a guy?"
"Well, you just said you have to get ready."
"Yeah. I want to look nice because I'm-"
"You're hoping to get laid." He cut me off.
"You know what, Hunter? That's really inappropriate and I'm not going to answer that. What do you want?" I snapped feeling annoyed. We'd had such a nice day and here he was being a dick again.
"Hey, I'm not trying to cause problems. I just was kind of calling to see if you wanted to grab a drink or something tonight."
"Well, you can see that I don't want to grab a drink because I'm grabbing a drink with someone else."
"I gather that now, but I didn't know that before I called you."
"Well, okay then."
"Oh my gosh. You're like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"I mean, you were so nice to me today. And now on the phone, you're acting like a complete..." he stopped himself, "Well, you know."
"No Hunter, I don't," I said loudly. "I'm acting like a complete, what?"
"What do you think, Birdie?"
"I don't know. That's why I'm asking you to tell me."
"I don't think you really want me to finish that sentence."
"Actually. I do."
"Actually. I don't think you do."
"Actually. I think I do."
"I could go back and forth all night."
"Really Hunter? Don't you have an appointment tomorrow with the bank, a really big business meeting that you said you were kind of nervous about?"
"Yeah and?"
"So you want to debate all night with me about-"
He cut me off. "Oh my gosh. You love to talk, Birdie. You're so argumentative. What's going on?"
"What do you mean I'm so argumentative? I'm just telling you that..."
"So do you want to meet for that drink or not what?" He cut me off.
"You already know I'm meeting someone else for a drink. Like, are you serious?"
"Ditch them? Meet me instead."
"I'm not ditching them." I sighed, "Look, I got to go. Okay?"
"So are you going to meet me tomorrow afternoon?"
"I don't know. Is that a good idea after this call?"
"Birdie please?"
"Maybe."
"Hey Birdie?"
"Yes, Hunter."
"I had a really fun day today, you know?"
"Yeah. Okay."
"Did you?"
"It was all right."
"So I was thinking-"
"You think?"
"Yes, I do think, thank you very much." He chuckled and I was glad that he wasn’t completely angry at me.
"What? I was just checking."
"I was thinking Birdie."
"Yeah?"
"That perhaps we need to have another talk."
"A talk about what?"
"I don't know just-"
"Look," I chewed on my lower lip. "Maybe we need to talk about stuff, but right now it's not the time and I don't know when will be."
"Okay. So I guess I should let you go?"
"I guess you should."
"Hey, can I ask you a quick favor Birdie?"
"Sure. What's the favor?"
"If you end up changing your mind tonight..."
"Uh-huh..."
"Text me okay?"
"What do you mean if I end up changing my mind? Do you mean like for a booty call or something? That's not going to happen."
"No. I mean, if you want to grab that drink, if your date or whatever it is you've got going on tonight, doesn't work out as planned, text me and I'll come out and I'll meet you for a drink okay?"
"Yeah. I don't think that's going to happen."
"Just in case."
"Okay, fine."
"Have a good evening Birdie."
"You too Hunter. Bye."