Sunlight filtered through her eyelids and woke Vanessa the next morning, but that was nothing compared to the dash of reality on opening her eyes and seeing the empty space next to her. She moaned and rolled onto her back to stare at the ceiling. It hurt to look at the crumpled sheets where Kirk had lain beside her…where he’d been a devastation to her senses…where he’d held her while she’d cried.
Last night had been wonderful. She’d never known sex could be like that. But this time she’d actually done more than feel as if she’d been unfaithful and betrayed her husband.
Now she’d actually betrayed him.
She knew it was silly to feel guilty. She wasn’t really married any longer. Mike wasn’t coming back and she was entitled to make a new life for herself.
And yet…she did feel guilty. She couldn’t shake it. Time had passed and Mike had been dead seven months now. Could she have loved him like she thought she did, seeing she’d fallen so quickly into the arms of another man?
Yes! She had to believe that. Otherwise their marriage—Mike’s life—would seem like it had never been. She couldn’t have that.
As for Kirk, they had to talk. This was all too overwhelming for her. There were too many feelings here, too much happening too soon. She’d ached to be in his arms, yet making love had made matters worse for her. She hadn’t planned on getting involved like this.
Thankfully she heard Josh awake in his room. Her throat constricted as she went in and picked him up. This little guy was her everything. If it hadn’t been for him, she wasn’t sure she could have gone on living. Josh had been the only reason she had gotten up each morning. The only reason she’d put one foot in front of the other and picked up the threads of her life.
It was for Josh she would try to put her guilt aside. And it was for Josh she needed to stay away from any further complications with Kirk.
Feeling better after her self-talk, she showered and dressed, then carried Josh to the kitchen. Her breath caught when she saw Kirk finishing up his breakfast. She’d thought he’d already left the house. Now she had to quickly compose herself.
And that was so difficult when she could see a very masculine glint at the back of his eyes. She swallowed nervously. “Er…good morning,” she said, breaking eye contact to slip Josh into his high chair.
“Good morning.”
She buckled the straps, then looked up to see Kirk watching her. Her stomach began to churn. She had to do this. She couldn’t let him think they had anything going here.
“Kirk, about last night….”
Almost at once there was a stillness about him. Then a look of withdrawal came over his face. “You don’t have to worry on that score, Vanessa. I don’t plan on sharing your bed again.”
“You don’t?” she blurted out, then blushed. Had he found her boring? Inadequate in some way? Had her tears afterward been too much for him?
All of the above?
She forced herself to look him in the eye. “May I ask why not?”
“You’re not ready for a new relationship.”
Her heart rose inside her chest. None of the above. He was thinking of her.
She tried to appear nonchalant. “Well, I guess there’s nothing more to say then.”
“No. Not a thing.” A muscle began to tick in his jaw. “I suggest we get on with our work.” He pushed himself up from the table. “I’ll be in my study doing bookwork this morning.” He strode past her.
Vanessa stood there, listening to his footsteps fade until Josh required her attention. She had hoped Kirk would go out this morning. She needed this time away from his presence to help straighten out her tumbling thoughts, especially after what he’d just said. She hadn’t expected he wouldn’t want to continue a physical relationship with her. It went to show that the man was an enigma.
And all that was pushed to the back of her mind when a sedan drew up in the driveway midmorning. Her stomach dropped in dismay. She thought it was her in-laws again.
It was much, much worse.
“Hello there. I’m Pauline Morris,” the young woman said in a friendly manner as Vanessa pushed opened the screen door. “And you’re Vanessa Hamilton, I presume?”
Vanessa adjusted Josh on her hip. “Yes, I am.”
“And this little one is Joshua?”
Vanessa frowned. “Yes, but how do you know what?”
“I’m a welfare worker.” She handed Vanessa a government identification card. “I see you’re new to the area and I wanted to stop by and see you.”
“Oh, my God,” Vanessa whispered, looking at the card that indeed proved who she was. This wasn’t a chance visit. Not at all.
“There’s nothing to be concerned about. I’m simply here for a little chat.”
Vanessa felt numb all over. She felt sure that Grace and Rupert had sent a welfare worker to check on her. They’d only been here yesterday. They must have pulled out all the stops for this.
“Perhaps we could go inside?” Pauline suggested, looking more like someone who should be still in a classroom than not.
She pulled herself together and nodded, then led the way inside to the formal living room and gestured to sit down. She was having trouble finding her voice. What in God’s name had Grace and Rupert gone and done?
“I’d love a cold drink,” the other woman said. “It’s a long drive out here.”
“Of course, I’m so sorry.” She’d been so unbalanced by the welfare worker’s sudden arrival that she’d forgotten her manners.
“Here. Put Joshua on the sofa next to me. He can keep me company until you get back.”
Vanessa hesitated. She didn’t want to leave her son with just anyone.
“He’ll be all right,” Pauline assured her, a light in her eyes that she said may be young but she was no fool.
Okay, so if the woman wasn’t a fool then that could go in her favor, she decided, putting Josh down beside Pauline then hurrying into the kitchen, still not wanting to leave Josh alone with the woman for too long.
Her hands were shaking so much she spilled the soda over the side of the glass. As she reached for the paper towel, she saw the light flashing on the telephone extension in the study. Oh, heavens. She’d forgotten Kirk was still in the house. He’d been on the telephone on and off all morning, but if he came out, what would he think with more visitors here because of her? She swallowed hard. Did she really care what he thought right now? Her son was being evaluated by a government official.
And so was she.
And she needed to instill herself with confidence, she told herself, as she took a deep breath. She couldn’t let her fears get to her in front of this woman. She had to sound normal and responsible and show that she was a loving parent to her son.
Somehow she managed to smile as she went back into the living room. “I hope he hasn’t been too much trouble,” she said, hoping to sound composed.
“Not at all. He’s a good little boy, aren’t you, Joshua?”
Vanessa passed the welfare worker the glass of the ice-cold liquid. “I’ll go get his playpen so that I can put him down on the floor to play.”
“Does he use his playpen a lot?” Pauline asked, almost too casually.
Vanessa hid her agitation at the question. “No, only when I can’t keep an eye on him while I’m working.”
Pauline took a sip of her drink, then, “So you leave him in the playpen alone while you work in the rest of the house?”
“No. I take him with me.” She tried to disguise her annoyance. “As I said, if need be, I’ll take the playpen along as well.”
“I see.”
Vanessa wasn’t sure what the welfare worker saw but she didn’t like it. She very much feared that her young age and possible inexperience may well bring a reliance on textbooks and not observation.
She quickly got his playpen from the room next door and had it up in next to no time, then put Josh inside. He immediately crawled to get to some toys in the other corner.
“He’s not walking yet?” Pauline asked, no criticism in her voice but Vanessa knew her son’s development was being recorded.
“No, but he’s a fast crawler,” she pointed out, taking a seat opposite.
“No doubt he’ll be walking soon.”
“Perhaps. A lot of children don’t stick to a timetable with these sort of things, as you would know. They develop at their pace.”
“That’s true.” Pauline put her glass on the table, then leaned back on the sofa. “Now, I believe your husband died six months ago, so I’d like to offer my deepest sympathy.”
“It’s seven months ago now, but thank you.” It was possible someone else had told her about Mike but Vanessa knew it had come from Grace. She’d bet her life on it.
“And how are you coping with everything?”
Vanessa couldn’t stop her chin from lifting. “I’m doing just fine and so is my son.”
“That’s what I’m here to find out. Joshua’s had so much upheaval already in his young life. I merely want to make sure that he’s coping with it all as well.”
Vanessa could feel herself getting upset. “Look at him. He’s a happy and well-adjusted child and he’s growing normally and eating well and just because he’s not walking yet…” Emotion choked her throat. “I love him so much.”
Pauline’s eyes softened. “Vanessa, I don’t doubt your love for him. That’s easy to see.” There was a slight pause. “But sometimes things aren’t so clear with children. One so young can’t tell us how they feel about things.”
She swallowed hard before she could speak. “If I thought my son needed some sort of help, I would get it for him.”
“I’m glad to hear that.”
Vanessa suddenly had to know. “It was my parents-in-law who contacted you, wasn’t it?”
Pauline’s face remained blank. “I really couldn’t say.”
“Look, the reason I’m here is because of my parents-in-law. They want to take Josh from me and raise him as their own. That’s what this is all about. It’s not about my son being underdeveloped or at risk or any other thing they can drum up.”
Pauline considered her. “Sometimes accepting a little help is not such a bad thing.”
Vanessa realized the woman wasn’t listening to what she was saying. “Believe me, it would be this time. You don’t know these people. You don’t—”
“What’s going on here?”
Vanessa looked up to see Kirk standing in the doorway with a deep scowl on his face, and all at once she knew that it didn’t look good to this welfare worker that she lived here with a single man, even as his housekeeper. She could deny it all she liked, but Grace and Rupert would certainly have made her sound an unfit mother, as though she was jumping into bed with any man, putting herself first and her son second.
And whether that was something a welfare worker could use against her, she didn’t know. What she did know was that it gave the wrong impression. And if there was even the slightest chance of Pauline ticking the wrong box in regards to Josh, then she had to do something right now about it.
There was only one thing that came to mind.
“Darling,” she said, jumping to her feet and rushing toward Kirk, her eyes desperately warning him to keep quiet. “This is Pauline Morris. She’s a welfare worker. She’s come to check on Josh.”
“Has she?” he said ominously, having instantly realized who was behind all this, for which Vanessa was grateful.
“Darling, I know how you feel and I’ve been getting a bit upset about it myself,” she said, slipping her arm through his and feeling his muscles tighten. “But it’s not Pauline’s fault that she doesn’t know the full story about Josh’s grandparents.”
“No, it isn’t,” he agreed, but there was a question in his eyes for her alone. He wanted to know what she was doing. Right now.
She turned back to the other woman. “Kirk has asked me to marry him and I’ve said yes,” she lied, feeling him stiffen beside her in shock. She smiled up at him. “Darling, I’m sorry. I know we decided not to tell anyone just yet but it’s important she knows.” She smiled back at Pauline. “We’re engaged but we’re keeping it between ourselves for the moment. We didn’t tell Grace and Rupert for fear of upsetting them.”
Pauline blinked. “Oh…I see.”
“I loved my late husband, Pauline, and I’m sure he would have approved.” She paused, unable to say she was in love with Kirk. “The Deverills have lived here many years and have an excellent reputation,” she said, remembering Linda telling her that. “Kirk will be a wonderful husband and father.”
“I’m new to the area, so I’m afraid I don’t know everyone here yet.” Pauline eyed Kirk, then her eyelashes fluttered the tiniest bit. “But I’m sure Mr. Deverill would be wonderful.”
Vanessa was shocked. The woman was flirting with him?
Before she could think what to say next, Kirk gave the woman a warm smile. “I’m sure you’ll still make your assessment on how you find Josh, not because Vanessa and I are getting married,” he said, a hint of steel behind his words.
Pauline immediately lost her coquettishness. “Of course. It’s the only way to do things.”
“Good.” Kirk led Vanessa back to one of the chairs and sat her down before he scooped up Josh from the playpen. The small boy curled into him as if they were father and son, and Vanessa’s heart squeezed for a second as Kirk sat in the other chair with Josh on his lap.
He smiled again at the welfare worker. “Fire away with any questions. I’m happy to help in any way I can.”
“That’s very nice of you, Mr. Deverill,” Pauline said primly, as if to make up for her earlier transgression.
“Well, it’s important that your mind is at ease about us.” He smiled down at Josh, who reached forward and tried to pull at his hair. Kirk chuckled and Josh giggled back, trying to repeat the action. “As you can see, he’s a healthy, happy little boy and I love him like a son already.”
The breath left Vanessa’s body at the words. She knew Kirk was only saying that for the other woman’s benefit, but he was very convincing. For a split second she wished he did love her son and that they really were engaged to be married.
Then sanity returned.
Pauline looked satisfied. “Yes, I can see that he adores you.” She turned away to take a notebook out of her handbag. “I just have a couple more questions then I’ll be on my way.”
Fifteen minutes later, the woman put the notebook away. “Thank you both for your assistance.”
Vanessa went to speak, but it was Kirk who got the question out first. “What happens now?”
“Nothing. I can see no justification for the complaint.”
“Thank God!” Vanessa said, feeling almost faint with relief as she looked across at Kirk and her son and blinked back tears.
Then she remembered Grace and Rupert. “Do you report back to…the people who complained?”
“No. I work for the government, not the complainant. If anyone asks they will get a standard response with no details.” She hesitated. “Of course, they’re free to make another complaint if they feel it’s warranted.”
“This complaint wasn’t warranted in the first place,” Kirk pointed out, his face taut with anger.
“I know but we have to check these things out.”
Vanessa bit her lip. “So you won’t mention my…our…engagement to them?”
“It’s not up to me.” Pauline stood up. “Though I do think it’s best sometimes to bring things out in the open with some people, don’t you? That way they can’t accuse you of keeping them out of the child’s life.”
Vanessa stood up, too, as well as Kirk. “I suppose so,” she agreed, but she knew it wasn’t the case with her in-laws.
“Think about it.”
“I will.” She’d think of nothing else.
They saw the woman off from the verandah, then Vanessa slumped down on one of the wicker chairs, her legs finally going out from under her. She’d got through this but it wasn’t over yet. Not with Grace and Rupert. Not by a long shot.
Then she looked up and saw Kirk’s hostile glare.
And she knew it wasn’t over with him, either.
It was just the beginning.
She hopped up from the chair. “Here. Give me Josh. He needs to take a nap.” She didn’t look at Kirk as she took her son out of his arms.
“Come and see me when you’ve finished,” he ground out, as if he could barely talk.
Oh, Lord.
She got Josh settled and was soon stepping back on the verandah, though not soon enough by the look on Kirk’s face.
She held up her hand. “I know what you’re going to say.”
“That’s good, because words fail me.” His angry gaze held hers. “Actually no, they don’t. You’re unbelievable. Why you said what you did is beyond me.”
She drew herself up. “Grace and Rupert want to take my son away from me. They’ll stop at nothing, or hadn’t you noticed? They’re after my son.”
“I noticed, but you didn’t have to say we were engaged, for Christ’s sake.”
She shifted uneasily. “I know. I didn’t think. It’s just that Pauline had been grilling me about Josh and frightening me and it wasn’t looking too good, and then you came in and it seemed like the best idea at the time.”
“If that’s the best, I’d hate to see your worst.”
“Look, I thought it might help convince Pauline that Josh had a stable family life.” She angled her chin. “I’ll do what’s necessary to keep my son.”
Something altered in his expression. “And if they put in another complaint in six months’ time and we’re not married, what then? By then you’ll have gone from here and the welfare worker will think you’re either a liar or unstable. It’ll be documented that you go from one man to another, move from place to place. The only thing you’ve helped along will be your in-laws’ conviction that Josh needs saving. From you.”
She leaned against the verandah post. “Oh, God. I never thought of that.”
“Didn’t you?”
Her eyes widened. “What do you mean?”
“Marriage is what you were aiming for, wasn’t it?”
She quickly shook her head. “No! I didn’t. I—”
“Enough lying. You’re trying to get someone to marry you and you’ll use any means—any person—to keep your son.” His lips twisted. “I guess I’m just damn lucky I was the one on hand,” he snapped, seeming to look even angrier.
“No! I have no intention of marrying you—or anyone else for that matter. I’ve lost my husband only recently, for God’s sake,” she said, her voice catching.
“That didn’t stop you sleeping with me last night, did it?”
She sucked in a breath. “That was a mistake. We’ve already agreed not to repeat it.”
“I told you before I don’t like being used.”
“I’m sorry. If I could take it back without harming my son then I would.” She hesitated. “Let’s just keep this to ourselves and no one else. Pauline believes we’re engaged and she’s the only one. I’ll worry how that will look once I leave here.”
A nerve pulsed near his temple. “Fine, I’ll be your fiancé for now. But I can tell you this, Vanessa. I will never be your husband.”
He strode inside.
Life settled into a pattern over the next few days as the temperature climbed into the high nineties. Vanessa felt bad for what she’d done to Kirk and she understood why he was upset, but he had to understand that she’d had no choice. Her son was her life. She’d do anything to stop him being taken off her, including using Kirk like that.
She just wished he didn’t think she was after marriage. It was the one thing she absolutely did not want—with any man.
And of course, she knew Grace and Rupert wouldn’t let things be, but she had no idea what they would do next. She couldn’t relax. She could only take comfort in knowing that if push came to shove she had the Deverill name on her side now. Kirk would help her protect her son—even if he didn’t like the way it was being done on her part.
One morning Linda called to see how things were going and Vanessa almost burst into tears when she heard her cousin’s voice. Until that moment she hadn’t felt sorry for herself about the welfare worker’s visit, but as soon as Linda started speaking, her feelings very nearly got the better of her. Linda was family. And as a mother she would understand the fear of having her child taken off her.
“Vanessa? Are you there?”
Vanessa cleared her throat. She couldn’t tell Linda any of what happened. Her cousin would fret. “Yes, I’m here.”
“There’s something wrong. What’s the matter?”
She took a steadying breath. “I miss you, that’s all, you silly goose.”
Linda tutted. “You’re lonely, aren’t you? I should’ve realized it was too much for a city girl to live on a remote cattle station like that. I’m sorry, Vanessa. I—”
“Linda, I’m not lonely,” she cut across her. “I love it here.”
She recognized that was the truth. There may not be an ocean on her doorstep, nor soft sand underfoot as waves crashed on the beach beneath a blue sky. But something out here in the outback—something about this untamed countryside—soothed the rawness inside her. There was nothing as bright as an outback sky, nor as light as the wind that rustled the land to life. And nothing like the distinctive smell of eucalyptus, grasses and tree bark all mingling in the air—a smell as unique as the sound of a cackling kookaburra.
“Are you sure?” Linda’s voice drew her back to the conversation. “You can tell me the truth. You know I won’t hold it against you. Or even Kirk for that matter.”
“Linda, I’m fine. Really. It was just hearing your voice. I miss you and Hugh, that’s all.”
“We miss you, too, sweetie, but I’m so glad it’s working out. How’s Josh?”
“Fantastic,” she said, injecting some enthusiasm in her voice. He was doing just fine.
“How are you getting on with Kirk?”
“He’s a very good boss.”
But a reluctant fiancé, she mused, then scolded herself. It wasn’t a laughing matter.
“I knew he would be. He’s sexy, too, huh?” Linda teased.
“Things are working out very well, I’m pleased to say,” Vanessa said, ignoring the comment, then heard a noise and saw Kirk in the doorway.
His mouth tightened before he kept on walking. He’d obviously heard what she said and taken it the wrong way. She sighed. What else was new?
After that they spoke some more then Linda ended the call. Vanessa blinked back tears then threw herself into the housework. At dinner that evening, she passed on Linda’s regards and gave him an update.
“They’re leaving in two weeks’ time and asked if we’d go into town to say goodbye. They’ve got so much going on that it’ll be impossible for them to leave Jackaroo Plains to come out here.”
He inclined his head. “I’ll be there.”
“So will Josh and I,” she said, ignoring that he was trying to make a point of dividing them. They both knew he’d be taking her and Josh with him. She didn’t have a car, for one thing.
He paused between bites of food. “By the way, this weekend I have to go to The Alice for a charity dinner.”
She blinked. “Alice Springs?” The town was in the middle of Australia and often referred to as “The Alice” or “Alice” and would take hours to fly there. She didn’t want to admit it but she knew she would miss him in spite of his coolness toward her.
“I want you to come along with me.”
The suggestion threw her. “Me?” She didn’t even have to think about it. “No, thanks.”
His mouth twisted. “As my fiancée, I’d think—”
“Very funny.”
His expression cleared. “You and Josh are coming to Alice Springs with me and that’s that.”
Her brows arched. “Josh is invited, too?”
“Of course. Do you think he wouldn’t be?” His intense gaze never wavered from her face. “I won’t leave you both here while I’m away.”
She felt a strange tug inside her chest. “We’ll be okay.”
“Not if your in-laws find you alone, you won’t be.”
Warmth spread through her at his concern. He may not like her being in his life, but he was at least adult enough to put that to the side for the sake of a child.
She found herself actually considering it. “I’d like to see Alice Springs,” she said cautiously.
“Good. Then it’s settled. The dinner’s a formal affair and—”
“Wait a minute! I thought I was being asked along for the ride. You didn’t mention I had to go to the dinner with you, as well.”
“You’ve got to eat.”
She shook her head. “No, I’m sorry. I can’t attend the dinner as your partner. Everyone will think we’re an item.”
His mouth tightened. “I know but that can’t be helped.”
“But what if someone knows me through Grace and Rupert? What if they tell them I’m there with you?”
“It’ll be highly unlikely anyone will recognize you and even if they do, you’re still coming with me. It’s the lesser of two evils right now.”
She couldn’t fault his thinking. “Who’ll look after Josh while we’re at the dinner?”
“The hotel has a very good babysitter who is also a registered nurse. You just need to sign a medical consent form in case Josh needs a doctor when we’re not there.”
“You’ve already checked into this?” Why wasn’t she surprised?
“Only to allay any of your concerns about leaving Josh with a stranger.”
Pleasure softened her heart once more, then she hurriedly subdued it. “Surely you’ve got someone else to take to this dinner instead of me?”
“I did, but not anymore.”
Oh. She was his second choice. That made her feel so good. Not!
“And just to put your mind at rest,” he continued, “I’ve booked their best suite which has a couple of bedrooms. It’ll be no different than living here.”
Okay….
“By the way, don’t worry about an evening dress. I’m happy to buy you one once we get there.” She immediately opened her mouth but he got in before her. “I’m sure you hadn’t expected to be attending such a formal function during your sojourn in the outback.”
He had her there. She’d brought a couple of dresses with her, just in case, but they were nothing fancy enough for a charity dinner. She wanted to rebel against taking anything more from her employer than necessary, but she couldn’t afford to spend money on a suitable dress.
“Thank you.”
Of course he probably didn’t want to be embarrassed by her off-the-rack clothes, she told herself, then knew that wasn’t fair. If he was ashamed to be seen with her, he wouldn’t have invited her to the dinner in the first place. He could have simply taken her to Alice Springs and attended the dinner himself.
“We leave midmorning on Saturday then,” he said, taking her comment as acceptance.
She left it at that. She was a little excited about the trip, but there was also a ripple of apprehension rolling down her spine. She was sure Kirk didn’t have anything untoward planned for them in Alice Springs.
It was what wasn’t planned that worried her.