I had a choice. Remain bitter, or choose love and light in order to advocate for the lost in my community. There was a reason, a purpose for which I had survived my story up until this point. Born an orphan, raised by guardians with a huge cultural and age divide, raised amidst a contradiction. Trapped. Always fighting. Denied. Ignored. Manipulated and abused. Abandoned. Fighter. Advocated for. Singer. I had lost my life, only to find it in a relationship with Jesus. Those years of being beaten, pressed, torn apart, tossed back and forth, were years of development. Like a baker’s dough being kneaded in order to prepare bread, the word was able to work in my life. I had to cry out, study scripture, and believe God in the face of each trial. Scripture teaches that there is a way that seems right to man, but in the end it leads to death. That’s it. Life is such a fragile thing. It’s to be lived with immense patience and care.
Up until this point, fear had pushed me to live fast, hard. I made decisions based on instinct, based on feelings, based on past experiences. This way of life is extremely stressful, full of pressure. I mean I had lived twenty-nine years and felt like I was on my sixth lap around the world and back. Rushing through a lesson is a sure way to fail a test. Time and care are requirements. Engagement, being present in a particular moment, is where joy and gratitude is found. Focus is where peace resides. Looking at your past, friends, and obstacles is a quick route to defeat. The threshing floor is where I discovered my road map. There are many paths leading to destruction. Many doors leading to what look like love, fortune, and success. Is life simply a huge game of Russian roulette? Are we so magnificently designed to play a guessing game? What type of cruel God would create such a world?
I choose to believe that God is a God of action. Does my choice alone make it a reality? Simply saying it was a step, but I had to believe it. In order to believe it, I had to try it. I had finally started getting tired of going my own way and of failing. I was ready to study, to apply, to function. I started applying God’s words to my life. Things like telling Him the whole truth. Talking to God is like looking in the mirror. Its truth, its reflection. I realized things about my past. I was able to clearly see the flaws buried deep within my own heart that were blocking progress and movement in my life. Busyness, pride, bitterness, anger, disobedience, defiance. God’s love simultaneously exposed me while covering me. Like a filter removing the toxins, in order that I may live purely. Living purely is the only way I could access my purpose to its fullest potential.