There was a season where the eternal wars I had were the dominant focus of my life. This made it impossible to recognize success. Impossible to rest. Then there was a shift. I became so tired of fighting that I surrendered. My complete focus shifted to Jesus. It no longer was important what happened to my body, how my story would end, who I would become. I just decided to look at Jesus. Once I did, my space literally began to clear up. I stopped answering some phone calls without feelings of guilt. There was room in my thoughts. I let go of commitments at church. I let go of the baggage from my past. I let go of the burdens of friends and peers. I jumped.
The moment I did, I collected all the poems I had written throughout the years of my journey. I began collecting and organizing them into a notebook. I started setting aside time each day to record with Song. I started building with the parent advocacy group and noticed that I was a power player at every table. I wasn’t sitting void of input, I had reservoirs of experience to pull from and appreciated any input from others. I was a leader. I had a voice.
The more I grew in my understanding of how I no longer felt the need to serve others out of pity or sense of belonging. I was intentional. I followed the internal compass inside of me and was led by that, alone. I didn’t allow people’s opinion or doubt to deter my own faith.
After dedicating eight months to the parent advocacy group, the Holy Spirit showed me it was time to break away from that commitment. I battled awhile with that. I had met Hope there. I finally thought I was working in my purpose and I could not understand why He would take that away from me. Things in this group had finally begun to materialize, like the logo and mission statement, and honestly, I did not want to let it go. I ignored the instruction for a couple of weeks but began to become very frustrated, and was having trouble keeping my commitments to the group.
Here I was, at another crossroad. Things finally seemed to be moving forward and God was asking me to jump again. This time I had no clue as to what would be waiting for me on the other side. Still, I knew there was nothing I could do without my shepherd’s guidance. Saying “I totally trust you Lord” is one thing, but there will be no manifestation without action.