Chapter Seventeen

Reagan pulled his rented silver luxury car in front of the busy LA nightclub. Opening the car door to get out, he bumped his knee against the door frame. “Ugh,” he mumbled. His whole body hurt after yesterday’s game. The Warriors had won by only a single field goal, which was too close for his satisfaction.

Reagan’s agent and a few friends had insisted on taking him out that night. At first, he resisted the idea, but eventually agreed. The group was meeting at Lex, a popular nightclub in downtown Los Angeles. Lex was packed with trendy LA patrons, looking to let loose and have a good time. Reagan had no trouble moving past the long line and went straight into the club.

They were led to a half-circle table with booth seating and an excellent view of the dance floor. When the five guys were seated, their waitress came over to get their drink orders. Reagan glanced around the club. The dance floor and bar were crowded, even though the time was only ten pm, which meant the party was just getting started.

“How did the commercial shoot go today?” Blake, his agent, asked.

“Fine. I go tomorrow for the stills.” He reclined against the back of the booth. The whole product endorsement side of his career wasn’t his favorite, but companies paid big money, which made doing forty takes during a commercial shoot bearable.

Blake brushed a hand over his dark, slicked-back hair. “Just give me the word, and I’ll keep those deals coming. You’re a hot commodity right now. Makes my job easy.”

“Sure, I’m happy to help you support your ex-wives,” Reagan joked.

Their drinks arrived, and a glass of whiskey was placed before him on the polished metal table.

“Good to see you among the living, Reagan.” Jason, his former college teammate, raised his glass. “Cheers!”

Reagan took a refreshing drink. “Glad to be back,” he said with a relaxed grin.

“I heard a rumor you’ve become domesticated in Wisconsin.” Jason grinned, and his perfect white teeth gleamed despite the dim lighting of the club. “You finally met a woman who reined you in?”

“What? I don’t believe it,” Damien, another college teammate, commented. A flashing red strobe light, originating for somewhere by the dance floor, bounced off his shiny, bald head. He extended his muscular arm and gave Reagan a slap on the back. “He’s a hero to us married guys. I’ve been living vicariously through him for the past four years, ever since I said ‘I do’.”

Reagan found himself thinking of Julie and how he’d felt two nights ago, when his world came crashing down. The pain of hearing her say John’s name had been worse than anything he’d ever experienced on the football field. With one word, she’d wiped all the color from his life, leaving behind only a dull gray. “Things didn’t work out with the woman I was seeing in Wisconsin. I won’t bore you with a long story but I will report that I’m back in the game.”

“I’m sorry to hear that.” Blake’s grin faded. “I saw a picture of you two. She’s cute. Maybe I’ll take a trip to Wisconsin and soothe her broken heart.”

“Not a chance.” Reagan gave him a light punch on the arm.

As the hours passed, the friends cracked jokes and told stories. The drinks kept coming, and finally, a couple of the guys went to dance with some girls who’d stopped by their table. Reagan was in no mood for empty flirtations, so he contently stayed at their table and watched the action on the dance floor.

Noticing his empty glass, he looked around for their server. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw a blonde woman slide into the booth next to him.

“Reagan Harrison, am I ever glad to see you,” Brynn purred. She wrapped her arm around his shoulder and leaned in close, placing her lips next to his ear. “I heard you’d be here tonight. I’ve missed you.”

Brynn looked great tonight, in a gold, sparkling mini dress. Her long hair tickled his arm. Back when they’d dated, he’d been enchanted by her glamour. Now, he thought she simply looked over-processed. Not like Julie, whose graceful beauty was totally natural. His chest tightened at the memory of the morning after their first date, when he’d made breakfast. Even with messy hair and no make-up, she was more attractive than Brynn would ever be.

He forced himself to stop looking at the past. What he needed was a push forward. “Brynn, you’re just what I need right now.” He pointed to the dance floor, and she took his hand, pulling him to his feet. He wrapped his arm around her small waist and led her through the crowd.

After a few songs, the music slowed. As they moved to the beat of the music, she didn’t feel right in his arms—like jamming the wrong key into a lock. Brynn was too tall, too thin—and not Julie. He cursed himself for being unable to kick the memory of Julie’s face, with her lightly freckled nose and strawberry-tinted lips, out of his mind.

“I’ve missed you.” Brynn kissed a spot on his neck, right under his ear. Her finger trailed up the arch of his bicep. “You’re so incredibly sexy.”

“We always seem to end up together,” he said in resignation. “You and I are uncomplicated. We have a good time, and then we go our separate ways. No expectations.”

She looked at him and smiled. “I know you, probably better than you know yourself. Other women want too much from you. That’s why I’ve never minded when you went off exploring. You’re not made for a long-term relationship.”

Was she right? When Julie needed his love and support, he’d let his own hurt come before her needs.

“What are you doing later?” Brynn asked. “How about you come back to my place for a nightcap?”

Reagan’s buzz quickly turned into a headache. Too many conflicting emotions clattered around, fighting with the voice in his head. The loudest yelled to walk away. Going with Brynn would only lead to regret.

He looked into Brynn’s beautiful eyes. Would kissing her push away all his doubts? Tipping his chin, he locked his lips onto hers and drank her in. She eagerly responded, tightening her hold around his shoulders. He wanted to fill his head with Brynn, and forget about the auburn-haired spirit who haunted his mind.

Nothing about their kiss was right. She tasted too bitter, she didn’t smell like roses but something unpleasant and spicy, her body felt sharp and bony, not comfortable and soft as she pressed against him. He stepped out of her embrace and began walking off the dance floor.

“Reagan,” she called out after him. “Where are you going?”

“Time for me to go. Alone.” He returned to his table. “I’ve had a long day, guys. I’m heading out.”

“See you around, man.” Jason gave him a pat on the back. “Don’t be a stranger.”

He walked out the front door of the club. A cool, refreshing breeze hit his face. He gave his valet ticket to the attendant and stood on the sidewalk, waiting for his car. His head pounded as a result of the loud music seeping out of the club.

The kiss he shared with Brynn had proven he could never kiss another woman without comparing her to Julie. A week ago, he’d been ready to start a new chapter and finally settle down. But after putting everything on the line, he still played second string. He could never go back to his old life. His one and only decision was this—how far was he willing to go to keep Julie in his life?

****

Days passed, and the silence continued. Julie still hadn’t heard from Reagan. Every one of her calls had gone to voicemail. Sometimes, she’d call and listen to his voicemail greeting, just to hear his voice. By Christmas Eve, she stopped hoping for a phone call or a knock on the door. She and Aiden had gone to Christmas Eve service, and then to Mom’s for dinner. They’d opened a few gifts, before Julie took Aiden home to put him to bed.

Now, she lay on the sofa, her dark family room only lit by the glow of her Christmas tree. The stillness around her stood in sharp contrast to the storm raging in her heart. Reagan had left five days ago to travel to LA, and she assumed he was now in Indiana to spend Christmas with his family. The holiday they’d planned to spend together had been called off, and Aiden cried himself to sleep that night, not understanding why Reagan had walked out of their lives.

She could forgive Reagan for not wanting to be with her. She’d hurt him and couldn’t deny John was still front and center in her heart. The disappointment they’d both caused Aiden was a tougher pill to swallow. Her conflicted feelings were not fair to either Reagan or Aiden. A decision had to be made, and over the past few days, she realized what she needed to do. She wasn’t ready to start a new relationship. Maybe she never would be.

As she snuggled deeper under the soft purple blanket, she wished John would walk through her front door and make everything okay. But that would never happen. She was left to face her future alone.

A sharp knock on the door startled her. Still wrapped in her blanket, she shuffled over and opened the door to see Reagan standing on the other side. The sight of him instantly comforted her aching chest. A reviving hum pulsed through her body.

For several seconds, they stood staring at each other in silence, until Reagan cleared his throat. “I wanted to bring Aiden’s bike.” He motioned to the red bike with the huge bow sitting on her front walkway.

“Come in.” She stepped aside to let him push the bike past her and into the house. His peppermint-infused scent once again filled her home. He leaned the bike against the wall. Bags now hung under his formerly bright, blue eyes. His skin was pale. The expression on his face was troubled and worn, like a man fighting a war.

“I’m sorry for leaving. I was hurt, and I let my pride win over my heart. I still love you, and maybe you still love me. Can we work this out?”

She saw a tear threaten to break free from the corner of his eye, which weakened her conviction. How could she cause him more pain?

He swiftly wiped it away. Standing before him, she tightened her hold onto the blanket wrapped around her like a protective cocoon. “I do love you, Reagan, but to keep dragging you along while I figure out things is not fair. Half of my life was intertwined with John’s. I can’t remove him without ripping out a part of myself in the process.” Inside her chest, she felt a stabbing pain, like a knife slicing through her heart. Her gaze fell on the wedding picture placed up on a bookshelf. Their wedding day had been perfect. Their life together had been a rollercoaster ride. Now, she was left finding her way without John. Be brave, and do what you need to do.

“I need you, Julie. I don’t want to go back to a life without you.” He wrapped her up in his strong arms.

She melted into his embrace, resting her head on his chest.

“I promise to be patient. You and Aiden mean so much to me.”

“We both know this isn’t just about you and me. Aiden was devastated when I told him you wouldn’t be with us for Christmas. I can’t let him get caught in the middle while we work out things.” Reluctantly, she stepped away.

He released his hold. Reagan’s gaze lowered to the blue stone bird she held in her hand. His shoulders dropped. “I’ve loved you since the first night I met you. Just know you have my heart, if you ever decide you’re ready to move on.” Taking her face in his hands, he kissed her.

A kiss that weakened her resolve and shook her to her core. She could no longer restrain the tears, which now flowed freely down her face, falling like raindrops onto the floor. “You are a good and honorable man, Reagan. And I’m better off having had you in my life.” She brushed the scruff on his face with the palm of her hand. A sensation that was both familiar and comforting. “You’ll find love again, and she’ll be a lucky woman.”

Reagan opened the door but then hesitated. “Tell Aiden I love him. I never told him.”

Something inside her shattered. She used every ounce of willpower to stop herself from running back into his arms. “He knows.”

After looking back one last time, he stepped outside and closed the door behind him.