MARION’S TINY GREY EYES SPARKLED with excitement as they gazed from the small, elongated rear-view mirror.
‘Are you all right in the back, Agnes?’
‘Never mind me, you watch the fuckin’ road.’ Agnes was terrified. She couldn’t believe she’d let Marion talk her into this.
‘Agnes, relax for God’s sake.’ Marion turned around in the driver’s seat. ‘I’d hate to see you if the car was goin’.’
‘Don’t touch anything you, d’ye hear me? Wait till yer man comes out. Don’t touch anything – oh shite, we’re movin’!’
‘We are not! Ah, Agnes, will yeh stop! If I’d known you were goin’ t’be like this I wouldn’t have let you come!’
‘Let me come? Let me fuckin’ come? You dragged me here, yeh bloody bitch.’
Marion saw the driving instructor close the door of the office building and make his way to the car. ‘Say nothin’, Agnes, here’s the constructor!’
Marion sat properly in the car, facing forwards. The instructor walked around the vehicle, clipboard in hand, as if examining the vehicle – and that is exactly what he was doing. The women’s heads followed him around the car.
‘What’s he doin’?’ asked Marion.
‘Dunno – is he lookin’ for a way in?’
‘Don’t be silly, it’s his car! He’s probably doin’ a safety check.’
‘He knows we’re from The Jarro, Marion, he’s countin’ the fuckin’ wheels!’
Both women howled with laughter. The instructor stopped and looked at the laughing women. They both stopped abruptly. Marion spoke, trying not to move her lips: ‘Oh Suck, he diddle like that!’
Agnes looked closer at the man now. He was completely bald, with a flat nose. She whispered to Marion: ‘Jaysus, look at the puss on him, someone hit him with a fryin’ pan.’
‘Agnes, fuck off! I’ll start laughin’ again.’
The instructor tapped on Marion’s window. Marion looked at him, po-faced.
‘What?’ she yelled.
The instructor made a fist of his hand and moved it in a circular motion.
‘He wants a wank!’ said Agnes.
Marion burst out laughing again.
Agnes covered her face with her hands. ‘Well, he can fuck off.’ And the two howled harder.
The instructor put a hand to his mouth. ‘Roll down the window, please,’ he yelled.
‘What’d he say?’ Marion asked Agnes.
‘He wants to know if you’re a widow,’ Agnes replied.
Marion shook her head in exaggerated movements and yelled ‘Nooo!’
The instructor looked puzzled. ‘Wind the knob!’ He pointed downwards.
‘What’d he say?’ Marion asked again.
‘I’m not sure. Something about his knob – he does want a wank, the pervert!’
‘Hang on, I’ll open the window, we’ll hear him better.’
Marion opened the window and Agnes leaned forward to catch what was being said. Marion smiled. ‘I couldn’t hear you with the window up,’ she explained.
‘That’s what I was … oh never mind. I just want to check the brake lights. Press on the brake pedal.’
Marion looked down at the pedals. She lifted her foot and pressed it down on one of the pedals. The instructor shook his head.
‘No, no, Mrs Monks, that’s the accelerator. We mustn’t get these two mixed up. The brake pedal stops the car, the one you are pushing makes it go faster!’
Agnes jumped up and tried to crawl between the two front seats. ‘I’m gettin’ out! Fuck this!’
Marion pushed her back. ‘Will you relax, Agnes. I’m only learnin’. Now!’ she declared as she pushed her foot down on the brake pedal.
‘That’s it,’ exclaimed the instructor and he walked to the back of the car to check that both lights were working. Marion watched him in the mirror, Agnes turned to see him bathed in red light, and Marion spoke to the back of Agnes’s head. ‘Will you relax! What’ll he think of us?’
The instructor made a note on his clipboard and put his pen away.
‘Ah shut up! Who cares what he thinks? He looks like a big penis!’ The women giggled.
‘Shh … he’s comin’,’ said Marion.
‘Ask him his name. I bet it’s Mickey! I bettcha!!’
The passenger door opened, and the instructor sat into the seat. He slammed the door shut. ‘Right, Mrs Monks, let’s begin.’
‘Please call me Marion.’
‘Okay, Marion …’
‘What’s your name?’ Marion asked. Both women waited expectantly.
‘Oh I’m sorry.’ He put his hand out. ‘Tom.’ He smiled.
‘Oh?’ Marion said, disappointed.
‘Tom O’Toole,’ he finished.
The women burst into hysterical laughter. Tears flowed from Agnes’s eyes and her cheeks were streaked with mascara. Marion gripped her stomach with both hands and bent forward until her forehead touched the steering wheel. Agnes fell back and rolled from side to side in the back seat. The instructor was startled at first but as the laughter continued he became very irate.
‘Ladies … please!’
It took a little time, but the two women eventually stopped … for the moment. The women were now infected with the dreaded giggles. For the present, though, they were quiet.
The instructor began: ‘Now, turn the key and push the accelerator gently.’
Marion did this, and the engine gunned into life.
‘That’s good. Now, depress the clutch.’
‘What?’ Marion asked.
‘Depress the clutch.’
‘How do I do that?’ asked Marion, but before the instructor could answer, Agnes was in with: ‘Show it your electricity bill!’ The women were off again, howling and slapping the seats. Suddenly Marion stopped and slumped forward. Agnes carried on laughing a little longer, but then noticed that Marion was not moving. She prodded Marion’s back and still with a laugh in her voice said, ‘Hey, Kaiser!’ Marion did not move. Agnes jumped up and out of the car. She ran to the driver’s door and pulled it open. Marion had started to come round.
‘What’s wrong?’ Marion mumbled.
‘Are you okay? Oh Marion, love, are you okay?’
‘I … I think so … but I feel tired …’
‘Has she been drinking?’ the instructor asked accusingly.
Agnes ignored him, helped Marion gently out of the car, and stood her against the passenger door. Marion looked deathly white, even her lips had paled. She was shaking. Agnes wanted to do something, anything, to help Marion, but she could think of nothing, to either do or say, so she took Marion in her arms and hugged her tightly.
The instructor was now out of the car. ‘If the lesson is cancelled, I still have to be paid.’
‘How would you like me to cancel the rest of your baldy little fuckin’ life?’ Agnes spat at him.
He retreated to the office. Marion and Agnes stood embracing by the car. The evening traffic rumbled past them on Talbot Street. Without being aware it, as she held Marion, Agnes had mascara running down her face, and was patting Marion’s back and hoarsely whispering, ‘There, there, there …’