I fumbled in my bag for my keys and opened the door. ‘Go ahead up,’ I said to Dimitri, giving him a gentle shove. I knew, of old, he could become belligerent after a few drinks. It usually resulted in sex that was rougher than I liked, but thankfully quicker too so it balanced out. Anyway, the bruises never lasted long. Drink also made him more than stupidly macho and possessive. I could see him looking at Mark with narrowed eyes and a sneer on his lips. I could almost see him thinking, I could take him.
He probably could too. Dimitri worked out every morning. He might be three times our age, but he was fit. And strong. Mark, who was always a little soft around the middle, hadn’t improved in the weeks since I’d seen him. I guessed he’d been drowning his sorrows in beer at his local.
‘I’ll be up in a minute.’ I gave Dimitri a wink and another firmer push through the door. ‘He’s an old friend. I’ll just have a quick word.’ I leaned closer, stretched up on the toes of my stilettos so that my mouth was level with his ear. ‘Make sure you don’t start without me, okay?’ I sucked his earlobe into my mouth, hard, before letting him go with a sultry grin and another push. This time, he didn’t resist and crossed into the small, untidy hallway. I waited until he’d climbed the stairway and vanished from sight before turning to Mark.
‘What are you doing here?’
He took a step forward into the circle of light that shone from the hallway. In the brighter light, I could see what the shadows had hidden. His cheeks were gaunt, dark smudges ringed his eyes, and to add to the picture of complete misery, his lower lip trembled. ‘You haven’t been answering your phone. I was worried. I thought something must have happened to you.’
It had. I’d come to my senses. I couldn’t – wouldn’t – allow myself to be close to anyone, to be that vulnerable, that open to pain.
He took a step nearer and reached a hand towards me. It stayed there between us, looking abandoned, disconnected. I watched as beads of sweat popped on his forehead and tried to ignore the whipped-puppy hope in his eyes, the stupid determination in that fucking hand.
‘Nothing happened.’ Get the message, you stupid boy; don’t make me have to spell it out for you because I really, really don’t want to hurt you. ‘I’ve just moved on.’
‘With him?’ He looked at the window above where a light had come on, then back to my face, his expression battling disbelief, despair, heartbreak.
It didn’t give me any pleasure to watch him suffer as reality hit him. I could almost hear the crack and ensuing rumble as the pedestal he’d put me on fell apart and brick by brick, tumbled to the ground.
‘I’d heard rumours,’ he said, ‘but I hadn’t believed them.’
Rumours? It wasn’t surprising really. I sighed heavily. ‘My life before I met you was none of your business. When we were together, I was faithful.’ It was only a little white lie to allow him to salvage his pride. I had been almost faithful.
‘And now?’
‘Now?’ I shook my head. ‘It was great while it lasted, Mark, but it’s over.’
‘Just like that!’
I was going to trot out a trite, all good things come to an end, but I suddenly felt a twinge of guilt for causing, however inadvertently, the pain I saw flickering in his eyes. ‘I’m sorry. I’m not good at saying goodbye. I hoped you’d get the message when I didn’t reply to your calls.’
He looked at me in disbelief. ‘Get the message? I love you, I thought—’
‘What? That we were going to be together forever? Get real. We had a great time, but it was always destined to end.’ I knew that; it seemed he didn’t.
There was a rattle as the window above was opened. Mark and I both glanced up to see Dimitri’s bare shoulders leaning out. I lifted a hand to stop any remark he might make. ‘I’m coming.’
‘Not without me, doll.’ He sniggered and pulled himself back inside, the window shutting with a bang that made the glass rattle in the frame.
‘I have to go.’ I half turned away.
‘No, don’t go, please, Hannah.’ He grabbed my arm, his fingers biting into my skin.
‘I bruise easily, you know.’
He let go and ran a hand over his face. ‘I don’t understand, I thought you loved me.’
‘I did.’ Love is such a transient emotion. You can love someone desperately one day, kiss her on the cheek, then disappear as my father had done, never to be seen again. ‘Now I don’t. It’s that simple.’ I pushed open the door. ‘I really have to go.’
‘To him? He’s old enough to be your father.’
My patience was beginning to wear threadbare. ‘He’s good to me. Now, that’s it. No more excuses or explanations. It was good. It’s over. Move on, Mark, and please,’ I took a step into the hallway, kicking an abandoned shoe out of my way with more violence than was necessary, the shoe flying against the opposite wall and falling to the floor with a thump, ‘don’t come back.’
My last sight of him was him standing there with that whipped, abandoned-puppy expression on his face. He didn’t leave immediately. I know because I peered through a gap in the broken letterbox flap, almost relenting when I heard, ‘I’ll always love you.’ Only almost relenting. I knew I’d done the right thing. Men always wanted you when you didn’t want them; if you wanted them, they vanished. Far better to be the one to do the vanishing.
Mark would learn that life was full of hardship and pain. I’d done him a favour.
Only when Dimitri appeared on the top of the stairway, naked, his erection pointing at his impatiently lustful face, did I abandon my post and head up the stairs to earn the money he’d already given me.
* * *
I dropped the photograph on the sofa beside me. Mark had loved me so much.
I sipped my wine, my thoughts returning insistently to those months we were together. Was that the last time I’d felt truly happy?
Maybe, I’d been wrong and we could have made it. Twenty years before, I was too young to realise that not all men were like my father. Not all men left.
I’ll always love you.
Maybe it wasn’t too late.