Movement to my right made me turn my head. Susan. I’d forgotten about her. ‘You okay?’
‘I needed some more water.’
Hannah blinked. Her hands were curled around her mug; it was barely warm. How long had she been lost in her thoughts? She shook her head. Too many things were confusing these days. ‘I’m sorry, I’ve been a bit distracted.’
‘So have I,’ Susan said, returning to her seat. ‘Life used to be more simple.’
I squeezed out a laugh. ‘Not mine, I’m afraid.’ I slid the mug away and leaned both arms on the table, leaning forward a little, closer to the sad-faced woman sitting opposite. ‘I’m sorry. About Mark.’ There was no change in her expression. ‘I’ll send him a message, telling him it was all a big mistake, okay?’ Still no acknowledgement. I didn’t want praise, but I needed to know she understood that I was doing the right thing. Maybe I wanted absolution. ‘Susan? Did you hear what I said?’
Finally, Susan stirred and anger sparked from her eyes. ‘Was it a game to you? Was that it? Find an old boyfriend, see if you can make him fall in love with you again. It didn’t matter that he was married.’ The anger vanished as fast as it had appeared and her face sagged in misery. ‘And now that you’re tired of him, you’re giving him back and you think that’s all okay.’
Suddenly, I wanted to make her understand, to make her believe I wasn’t all bad. Because I wasn’t, was I? ‘I made a mistake,’ I said, searching for words that might help to explain what I’d done. ‘I was in hospital for a few days after Ivan beat me up, then I returned here to recuperate. I was still in pain, still shook up. I’m no saint, I’ll be the first to admit that, but I’m not a violent person and the level of violence he inflicted on me…’ I pressed my lips together to stop them trembling. Even months later, I still found it difficult to think of what he’d done to me without becoming distressed. ‘I didn’t do much during those days. Slept a lot. Watched rubbish TV, or read. I was searching for a book to read among those I’d added to the bookshelves next door, ones I’d already read and enjoyed, and wanted to read again. When I picked out one that I hadn’t read for several years, I found a photo of me and Mark. I’d used it as a bookmark and forgotten about it.’ I remember the instant feeling of calm when I’d seen it. ‘He’d loved me, we’d been happy, and right at that moment, I wanted that feeling back.’
Susan snorted a laugh. ‘Look at you! You’re beautiful, you could have whoever you wanted. Why did you have to fixate on him? He’s nothing special really. Kind, gentle, averagely handsome. If you knew him better, you’d also find that he’s a bit weak and a little dull. I don’t understand why you wanted him so badly.’
‘I didn’t want him!’ The words coming out on a cry surprised me as much as her. I pushed to my feet, the chair toppling to the floor behind me with a crash. I turned away, but it wasn’t that easy to get away from her critical eyes. Her reflection in the window was clear. I wrapped my arms around myself and turned back. ‘When I saw the photograph, I remembered how much he’d loved me, how good he’d made me feel. I didn’t want Mark, not really; I wanted to recapture that feeling of happiness.’
Susan got to her feet to face me, hands flat on the table as she leaned towards me, her face scrunched in anger. ‘Happiness! You’re kidding me! It doesn’t come that easily. Ethan said you’d moved in with your mother when you came back to Bristol. Why wasn’t that enough for you? She’d have kept you safe from Ivan. You’d have been happy enough there, wouldn’t you?’
I pushed my fingers into my hair. ‘You couldn’t possibly understand.’
She straightened and folded her arms across her chest. Looking almost militant. ‘Contrary to what you might think, I’m not the least bit stupid, so why don’t you try me.’