1

Adelaide arranges the pills on the window ledge and counts them as they wobble. The prescription label warns, “No more than 2 pills within a 24-hour period,” and “Contact Poison Control Center immediately,” in red. But the pills are very old and surely not as potent as they once were, so she counts out more, and drops ten pills into her pocket.

Adelaide catches her reflection in the small, round mirror by the front door, grimacing at the woman who stares back. She’s an old lady now—it happened after all. Adelaide touches the landscape of her forehead, those lines like a natural disaster. My god, how she’s earned this.

She massages her joints with shaky fingers and glances one last time at her empty cabin, before walking out the door. She does not lock it.

Adelaide dreads another winter. Hers is a farmer’s life, its lessons buried in her flesh like veins of garnet. When an animal is suffering, a swift, painless death is a kindness. Humans are no different.

She has made her decision.

The first pill lodges in her throat, and Adelaide feels it like a river stone. The second pill pushes it down into her gut.

The bitter wind lashes her face—it seems the seasons turn faster and faster every year.

The fifth pill goes down as smoothly as the third and the fourth. Five little pills dissolving in her belly. Five little reasons to keep walking.

There is a place Adelaide wishes to be today, on her last day—her secret spot, where the water catches on the rocks and forms a symphonic eddy beneath the maple tree. It is a short trek up the riverside, but now, at the end of autumn, the fallen leaves coat the ground like a plush carpet, ushering Adelaide forward. It is just up ahead. She hears it now, the sound of spinning currents, as another pill disappears down her throat.

By the time Adelaide reaches the eddy, she has empty pockets, and her head already swims. She removes her clothes, item by item, folds them into neat squares beside the tree, and sits. The leaves have reddened and dropped, and they pool at her feet. She gathers the ruby leaves, placing them in her hair. Nestled in the taut strands of her bun, an auburn crown.

Adelaide’s vision darkens and flutters, and the river suddenly shrinks from view. Her lungs are a pair of masonry bricks lodged in her chest, as dense with concrete as with oxygen. Her tongue is fuzzy and sticks to the roof of her mouth. She peels it off like a bandage.

It’s happening too fast.

Adelaide longs to feel the cold river on her cheek one last time. She tries to drag herself to the water’s edge, into its swells of cream and gray, but her body is rigid and numb. She wants the water to coat her like paint, hardening and tightening around her. She wants it to soak her silver hair black as she disappears beneath the surface. But first, she must move her legs before it’s too late.

Adelaide pulls herself to her knees, refusing to die right here, under the maple tree. The water surges against the riverbed, splashing her face. She can feel it, taste it.

But her body is too heavy, and she sinks to the ground, the river a thousand miles away. Adelaide curses herself for her weakness, slamming her limp wrists against the earth.

Sprawled on the bank, her breathing begins to slow, and Adelaide is mere feet from the water’s edge when everything goes black.

The lantern is still lit. How careless; she knows better.

Adelaide stumbles into the kitchen and grips the edge of the sink.

Mud sheets from her clothes, leaving a winding puddle across her floor. She coughs, and liquid froths from her lungs, painting her tongue. It is gritty and sour; she swallows it down.

Adelaide closes her eyes and tries to remember how long she was at the river, and how she got home. The harder she searches her mind for memories of her journey back, the hazier they become, until she questions her recollection of disrobing at all. She pulls a red leaf from her tangled hair and flings it into the sink.

Night falls quickly in the Blue Ridge Mountains, and the forest is already changing to shades of slate and plum. Her reflection in the window stares back at her, the wetness sparkling off every fleshy fold, as if age is something to swathe in glitter. She pulls a hand down her face and watches the skin draw toward her chin.

All she’d wanted was a death of her own choosing, her own making. Her last act in this world, and she has failed. Adelaide sighs, too tired to think any longer, and she walks to her bedroom. Tomorrow, she will try again. Tomorrow, she will take twenty pills.

Morning light surges through her window as if this day were any other. Zelda and Moffit scratch outside her bedroom window, upending today’s offering of beetles and larva. She hears their gentle clucks, their lilting conversation—whatever it is that chickens discuss in the early morning. Adelaide waits. It’ll happen any minute now; he’s never far behind the girls. Ah yes—there he is. Henry crows his raspy lament to the rising sun. Such a pitiful sound—he never quite mastered the majesty of a proper cock-a-doodle-do.

Adelaide watches the stains on her ceiling slowly come into focus before forcing herself to sit. Stand. Yesterday’s clothes sag from her body, plaited around her torso. The fabric is discolored from wet leaves and soil, as is her skin, and the river tempts her with one final bath. Adelaide stumbles across her cabin, her mind thick with disorientation. The pills must still be lingering in her system. So be it—less chance of failure today.

She disrobes and steps into the morning air, staggering down the narrow path by her cabin. On even the brightest of days, the canopies in the forest are dense, their shadows a black smudge on an otherwise brilliant canvas.

Adelaide no longer covers her nakedness as she nears the river—it’s been years since she’s seen a stranger so deep in the mountains. Besides, who is she to deny a wayward hiker a small thrill?

As Adelaide settles into the river, the water grips her with cold, despite the sun filtering through the canopy like shimmering flakes of gold leaf.

Adelaide grasps handfuls of clay and sand, buffing the earth into her calves, her shins, her elbows and shoulders, between her toes. She scrubs until she feels that pleasant rawness, that freshly birthed pink on her flesh.

Adelaide stays in the water longer than usual. She should have fed the chickens by now. On a normal day, she would tend to the garden, gather wood, or can last week’s overabundance of vegetables. Anything other than lounge in the river. But today is not a normal day.

Today, Adelaide does not have to prepare for another winter.

Today, on her last day, she can be lazy.

She watches two snakes twist and twine on the riverside. To the untrained eye, it would seem as though they are locked in battle. The smaller snake moves as though injured, bending and contorting into angles that could only mean death. But Adelaide knows better. Somewhere within the mass of black and oily skin, they are joined. The snakes break free and slip soundlessly into the water. They are the poisonous kind—Adelaide knows this—but she does not care to move right now.

She burrows her toes into the silt, and another mushroom cloud of gray earth blooms at her feet.

Today, Adelaide will dress in white.

She put little thought into pageantry the day before, but now she thinks that wearing white has some level of poetry to it.

Adelaide decides on a long white skirt and an old white sweater she knitted for herself more than a decade earlier. She shakes it out and dust fills the bedroom. It is stained, ill-fitting, and the moth holes are larger than she remembers. It is perfect. She slips it over her head, the wool like a receiving blanket swaddled around her shoulders.

The walk to the kitchen is practiced and automatic, as if the routine were engraved on her skin. Hips go left to avoid the corner stool, footsteps wide to dodge that one floorboard that pulls away from the nails.

The pill bottle is on the counter, right where she left it. She hopes there are enough, but she doesn’t reach for the bottle. Not yet. Adelaide strikes a match and a small flame ignites before her fingertips, bathing them in a warm, honey glaze. As the flame dwindles, a ribbon of smoke pirouettes before her like a dancer, and she steps into the living room and lights the lantern.

Adelaide fetches the amber pill bottle and holds it against the glow. The little white discs tumble into her little pale hand, and she tucks them into the pocket of her long white skirt.

Outside the window, Henry struts across the grass, leading Zelda and Moffit toward the thicket behind her cabin. Adelaide misses fresh eggs, but the girls stopped laying years earlier. Adelaide decided long ago not to eat them, though maybe now. . . . It’s been so long since she’s hunted or fished. She barely remembers the taste of meat. But Adelaide decides she doesn’t want to know what Henry and the girls taste like.

Above the kitchen sink are a dozen sunflowers, cut and hanging. Wilted leaves like rolled tobacco, seeds bulging from each head like swollen ticks. No sense in leaving them here to rot and mold and turn to dust. Adelaide gathers as many flowers as she can hold and rips them from the hooks, raining threads of stalk into the sink.

The pills rattle in her pocket, but they can wait—the chickens deserve one last snack.

Adelaide steps outside her door and into the small clearing between the river path and her garden, squinting into the sunlight.

“Here girls! Here Henry!”

Three feathered bodies emerge from behind her cabin, scampering into view. Henry’s feathers are a bit ragged, but he wears his plum neck plume like a jeweled crown. Both Zelda and Moffit are the shade of a newly birthed fawn, their copper feathers smudged with specks of chestnut and black. They are good chickens, and Adelaide hopes they won’t miss her too much when she is gone.

Adelaide casts the seeds upon the ground, and Zelda and Moffit devour every one.

Henry ignores the offering and peers up at Adelaide, studying her with his black, pupil-less eyes.

Henry is a devoted protector. Adelaide once watched from a window as he banished a small fox from the henhouse in a storm of talons, beak, and feather. She’d discovered him standing in the garden the following morning, preening himself over a small scrap of bloodied fox fur.

Henry inches toward Adelaide.

“Go on now.”

Adelaide waves him away but the rooster comes closer, perching on her feet.

This is not like Henry. His eyes are gentle, but his talons are breaking the skin. She kicks him off and he flutters away in a tantrum of squawks.

Adelaide walks toward her garden, admiring its wattle fence made of willow branches. Once, there was also a gate. As a younger woman, Adelaide spent two summers weaving the enclosure to deter nosy forest critters. To her surprise, it’s been fairly successful.

The garden is more neglected than she had realized. The tomato plants have grown spindly, only a few dented orbs dangling from their limbs. Adelaide could swear there were more tomatoes yesterday. By her feet, one tomato lies covered in dirt. Near to that, a bough has been severed, a small chunk of fruit still attached, wet and pink, seeds spilling like viscera across the soil.

Something has been in her garden.

Adelaide weaves around the beds, examining what is left of the carrot bed, now a massacred mound of soil. Only a few tufts of green have been left behind.

“Oh my . . .”

Adelaide lifts a carrot stalk, and its lanky leaves dangle through her fingers.

Henry and the girls peer into the garden.

“Who did this?” she asks, thrusting the carrot remains toward the three. “Did you do this?”

The chickens stare at her and do not enter. Adelaide knows better. The chickens did not ransack her garden, but she has no one else to scold.

She scans the beds for damage: the cucumbers have dwindled in numbers, the pumpkins are untouched, but the melons have taken casualties, their twisted remnants showered all across the garden. She still has some of her broccoli, but not all. The animal had its fair share of that as well.

Blood pounds at Adelaide’s temples. She’s never seen destruction like this before. This is not the butchery of a rabbit or groundhog. And no damage has been done to the fence, or even to the leafy mulch Adelaide spread on the paths between the beds. A deer? A small bear, perhaps?

She knows what she needs to do. This is her home, and she will not allow it to be destroyed. She’s spent years cultivating this garden— years!

Adelaide forces a deep breath and tries to convince herself to let the garden be. Why attempt to keep the scavenger out just to allow the garden to bloom and wilt and turn to seed and rot? Let ’em have it, she thinks.

Adelaide looks down. Her white skirt is brown at the bottom. She is no longer fresh and pure. She is no longer pageantry and poetry. Great, that’s all an old lady needs right now.

And so Adelaide returns to her cabin and empties her pocket of the pills, returning them to the bottle for safekeeping. Tonight, she will clean her white skirt and knitted sweater, and she will try again tomorrow. The sun is already so high in the sky and there are dirty dishes in the sink that she should wash.

But first . . .

First, she will build a garden gate.