I woke up puffy and piggy-eyed, with a headache and a feeling of doom. For the first time I wasn’t looking forward to the filming at all. I just wanted to put my head back under the covers and stay there. If it hadn’t been for the thought of seeing Cal, I’d have phoned in sick.
I went down to the kitchen where my mother was already wielding the oven cleaner. ‘Oh dear, look at you,’ she said with satisfaction. ‘You look terrible .’
‘Thank you,’ I said, going back to the hall mirror to confirm this truth for myself.
‘Well if you will get yourself in such a state.’ My mother gave one of her sniffs and then a few more for good measure. ‘I’ve made Stanley’s rolls – he likes the way I do them with cheese and ham – and when I’ve got this oven into a decent condition, I’m going to do him a nice casserole with proper vegetables. Not much goodness in all that rubbish they put away last night. I offered that other boy rolls too, but he says he has school dinners.’ Her tone suggested she didn’t believe him.
‘His name’s Connor,’ I said. ‘Have they had breakfast?’
‘Yes. You look like you could do with some too.’
Food was the last thing I wanted. I felt tired and miserable as I drove the boys to school.
‘Thanks for having me,’ said Connor, as I pulled up on the zigzag lines.
‘Mum – you’re not supposed to stop here,’ said Stanley anxiously. ‘Look, Mr Longmead is coming – he’s seen you!’
‘Jump out then and I’ll go,’ I said, as a rotund figure in a raincoat came waddling toward us at surprising speed. ‘Have a nice time with Grandma tonight and I’ll see you tomorrow. I’ll be back in the afternoon.’
‘OK.’ Stanley got hastily out of the car before I could attempt to kiss him. Connor was already on the pavement. Keeping my eyes on the rear-view mirror, I watched them both scuttle into school, the backs of their blazers disappearing just as Mr Longmead bore down on me, wagging his finger.
Unable to cope with anything more of that ilk from my mother, I went straight upstairs when I got back and embarked on a serious repair job on my face, involving industrial amounts of concealer and big dollops of camomile and peppermint eye rescue mask that promised to dispel bags but just made me smell like a polo mint.
Hopefully, by the time I’d sat on the train for an hour and a half and then in a cab for a bit longer (the car and driver seemed to be a thing of the past but at least they weren’t making me get the tube) my puffy bits would have settled down. And at least the filming was in the evening, where the lights might be dim.
Cal had been vague about what I was actually going to do, simply saying he wanted some last odds and ends and that as we were staying overnight in the hotel where we were shooting, we could use some of the facilities when it was quiet. ‘And we’ll have a few drinks to celebrate it being finished,’ he’d added. ‘You’ve been really great.’
He was the only person left standing who seemed to think so, I reflected, as the train pulled into Victoria. I felt the tears at the back of my throat whenever I thought about Charlotte. My mother had simply looked me up and down and sniffed again when I said goodbye and even Andrew had seen what an old bag I could be after the supermarket scene.
Which was perhaps just as well – he was married, after all, and what with everything Roger had been through, I certainly didn’t want to be too much on the receiving end of his sympathy. It was highly unlikely we’d have a third supermarket encounter but I shuddered at the thought of his wife popping up one day behind the baked beans and thinking I was Hannah Mark Two.
By the time the taxi stopped outside the hotel in Clerkenwell, I was feeling thoroughly sorry for myself and a quick look at my face just before I paid the driver, showed that still looked in a pretty sad way too. When Cal saw me he’d be thinking twice about the “fab” bit. Fed up at 40 was nearer the mark.
But he beamed at me as brightly as ever when he bounded into reception minutes later.
‘You all right, babe?’ He wrapped both arms around me in a big, jubilant hug. ‘Final session tonight. Let’s get you checked in and we’ll have a drink and go through it all.’
He picked up my overnight bag and swung it easily over his shoulder. Did you remember to bring something sexy? No? No problem – the girls at the office have borrowed some fab dresses for you. They’ve all been dying to try them on themselves …’
He chatted on gaily and I began to feel better. My room was lovely. Someone had put fruit and mineral water and half a bottle of dry white on a tray next to the flat-screen TV, and the bathroom had a massive shower and huge fluffy white towels.
‘Come back down and have a glass of wine first,’ Cal had said. ‘And then you can get yourself glammed up.’
‘Am I doing my own make-up, then?’ I asked, when I joined him in the bar. I forced a laugh. ‘I was rather hoping for some expert help – I know I’m looking a bit rough.’
‘I thought how stunning you looked when you walked in,’ said Cal smiling. ‘You’ve lost loads more weight. I think you’re looking really good. You’ve really thrown yourself into this – it’s going to make terrific TV.’
He gave our order to the waiter and turned back to me. ‘We’ve gone over budget a bit so I didn’t bring make-up in today – but I really don’t think you need it. Just put a bit on yourself – dark sultry, eyes perhaps, plenty of lipstick … You know the sort of thing – you always look great anyway.’
I smiled at him gratefully, beginning to relax a little. He was so lovely the way he always tried to make me feel a million dollars. The very opposite of how Daniel had set out to portray me in the last six months we’d lived together. Which was flabby at 40 and barking mad.
The moment I started drinking wine I realised I was really hungry. I hadn’t had anything to eat yet today. The waiter bought a small dish of nuts and cheesy biscuits but I didn’t like to eat too many of them since I was supposed to be behaving in a slim and sophisticated manner, not cramming food down my throat the first chance I got.
I thought fondly of Charlotte, who would have emptied the bowl in one hit and sent the waiter for a refill without turning a hair. Cal didn’t touch the nibbles at all and neither, of course, did Tanya, who had now joined us and was drinking her usual Diet Coke.
I looked at her, leaning back on one of the long leather seats, texting, and wondered afresh what she actually did as “producer” of this film. I’d still only ever seen her make endless calls on her mobile and sit around looking murderous. She’d given Cal a desultory kiss when she came in and nodded at me. Since then she hadn’t said a word.
‘Have you brought the clothes for Laura?’ Cal asked now.
She gave him a bored look. ‘The office should have sent them over earlier – they’re probably out there.’ She nodded her head toward reception.
Cal smiled at her but I detected a bit of tension between them. ‘Do you think you could go and check?’ he asked with exaggerated patience.
She sighed and got up, pausing to address me with a sardonic smile. ‘I’ve got you some fuck-me shoes too – just in case you get lucky with one of the saddos tonight.’ As she sauntered out, Cal looked annoyed.
‘What’s she talking about?’ I asked him, noticing two women on the next table gazing at Cal appreciatively, clearly glad that Tanya had gone and hoping I’d follow soon.
‘Don’t take any notice of her.’ Cal shook his head. ‘She’s a strange girl sometimes. The thing is,’ he said, shining his smile back on me and then hesitating, looking for a moment like a little boy, ‘the thing is – I’ve had a bit of a last minute idea. Turns out they’ve got this do on here tonight – one of these speed dating parties? And I thought maybe you …’
Any good feelings I’d begun to build up, evaporated.
‘Speed dating? You’re joking.’
He looked at me appealingly. ‘It would just be for laughs. I think it would really work – you all confident and looking fab. You don’t have to take it seriously. Just chat to a few of the guys – see if there’s anyone worth flirting with.’ He laughed, showing his white teeth. ‘We’ll have you in a really great dress –’
I shook my head. ‘Oh no, I don’t think I could – I wouldn’t know what to say.’
Cal leant forward. ‘You don’t have to say anything – they’ll be flocking round you. Just smile and answer their questions. I’ve found out about it – you only talk to each one for three minutes and then you fill in a little card with anyone you like. There’ll be loads of champagne and I’ll be right there with you.’
He was looking into my eyes in a way I found very hard to resist. ‘I don’t know …’ I faltered.
‘You can try out one or two or them to get the hang of it and then we’ll find a couple of guys happy to be filmed chatting to you. One of the guys organising it is up for it anyway so he’ll pose for us if nobody else wants to be on TV, but in my experience ’ he grinned at me ‘ once they’ve got a few drinks inside them, we’ll have plenty of willing candidates.’
He put his hand on mine. ‘Are you OK with that?’
‘I don’t know,’ I said again, something inside me cringing at the thought of having to make small talk with a stranger on film. I was bound to say something inane.
‘See how you feel when you’ve changed. I think you’ll enjoy it – all those men after you. I think it could be empowering.’ He was still holding my hand. ‘But I wouldn’t want you to do anything you felt uncomfortable with. You’re in charge.’
His eyes held mine for a long moment and I felt a shock of real desire that thrilled and alarmed me in equal measure. I saw him notice it too. His fingers tightened.
He started to say something, then abruptly sat back and let go of my hand as Tanya stalked back in and flopped back down on the long leather seat opposite.
‘Are they here?’ Cal said.
She scowled. ‘Yeah.’
Cal was suddenly business-like. ‘So, Laura, if you go up and have a shower or whatever you want to do, and get your make-up on, we’ll wait here for the guys and then Tanya can come up and help you choose a dress. OK?’
Tanya in my room was the last thing I wanted but I didn’t like to say so. I nodded dumbly and got up, brushing past Cal, shaken by the electricity that had just passed between us.
I’d much rather you helped me get dressed, I thought as I shampooed my hair. Or undressed, even … I giggled. The wine on another empty stomach had definitely had its effect. The two shortbread biscuits that were on the tray with the tea and coffee making stuff had helped a bit, but I definitely needed some proper food if I was going to have much more to drink. Or I’d be anybody’s!
I soaped my body slowly, thinking about Cal and the way he’d looked at me. I hadn’t imagined it.
Nor was I imagining the warm, tingling sensation suffusing my body that had nothing to with the powerful jets of hot water hammering down on my back. A feeling I’d all but forgotten. There was no doubt about it. I was horny.
I was just wondering where the nearest Ann Summers shop was, while picturing Cal, bare-chested, slowly running his hands down my body, when I was rudely interrupted by a series of loud bangs on the door.
Hurriedly wrapping a towel around my head, I pulled on the white, fluffy robe hanging on the back of the bathroom door, and opened up, harbouring a hopeless fantasy that it might be Cal come to ravish me. Tanya stood there with an armful of clothes and a cross expression.
She walked in without comment and dumped the garments on the bed. Then she opened the mini-bar, took out a Diet Coke and sat in the chair in the corner. There was a hiss as she pulled at the ring pull. ‘Gonna try some stuff on, then?’ she asked flatly.
‘Yes sure,’ I said, flustered. ‘I won’t be a minute.’
I grabbed clean underwear from my case and went back in the bathroom to rub at my hair. When I came back out, with the robe wrapped round me again, Tanya had separated out the dresses. There were four of them: a silver glittery affair; two black ones, and a short red taffeta thing. I could see at once that the silver one was too small.
‘What size are these?’ I asked, thinking how embarrassing it would be if I couldn’t cram my lardy self into any of them.
Tanya shrugged. ‘Dunno. Try them on.’
I took the two black ones back into the bathroom. The shorter one was tight and shiny; even before I’d zipped it up, I was a black pudding. The other one was long and strappy with a built-in bra bit that gave amazing cleavage without being too revealing. It was soft and draped and flattering. I turned sideways – my stomach, always so ready to pop forth, looked pleasingly flat.
I must keep this weight off, I thought. That half stone or so I’d shed made all the difference in the world. I came out to show Tanya, feeling pleased.
‘I really like this one,’ I said. I gave a little twirl. ‘Once I’ve got my make-up on and maybe if I clip my hair back a bit – ’ I held it away from my face.
Tanya looked at me strangely. ‘Try the red one as well,’ she said. ‘Red would be a better colour.’
I reluctantly took the black dress off and pulled the red one over my head. It was tighter and shorter. It also gave me a cleavage but one more reminiscent of Barbara Windsor in her heyday. And I definitely looked heavier.
‘There are shoes,’ said Tanya, rummaging in a bag and pulling out a pair of perilous-looking scarlet heels.
‘I don’t think …’ I began.
‘Just try them,’ said Tanya.
I put them on and looked in the mirror. They did something for my calves, for sure, but seeing so much of my legs generally, after a decade of jeans and long, droopy skirts was disconcerting.
‘Yep, that’s good,’ said Tanya, a note of enthusiasm finally creeping into her voice. ‘You look much better in that.’
‘Do you think so?’ I asked, looking doubtfully at my middle. ‘Don’t you think it’s a bit tight?’
‘No, it looks fine,’ said Tanya, already losing interest again. She looked at her watch. ‘We ought to be getting downstairs, so you’d better do your make-up. Put plenty on or you’ll look washed out.’
‘I don’t think short dresses suit me,’ I said anxiously. ‘I think I look better in the black one.’
‘You really didn’t – that one is exactly right.’
I looked at her. She stared back, her face challenging. I hesitated. It was ridiculous to feel intimidated by her – she was young enough to be my daughter.
‘Shall we ask Cal?’ I said at last.
‘No,’ Tanya almost snapped. ‘Well, not now, we need to get started. Get made-up first and dry your hair. Come downstairs like that and we can see what Cal –’ she enunciated his name with a studied scorn ‘– thinks then.’
I wondered why they so obviously didn’t get on. Professional rivalry presumably, though if she was jealous it was her own fault. Cal was evidently so committed to his job and getting the film just right and Tanya didn’t seem to give a toss.
I took a deep breath and tried once more. ‘I really think I’d rather wear the black one,’ I said, but Tanya was already gathering the rest of the dresses up and heading for the door.
‘You look much better like that,’ she said firmly. ‘You’re supposed to be partying.’
Partying! I did my make-up but looked neither glamorous or sultry – just rather raddled – and my hair was a disaster. I realised to my horror I’d forgotten to bring my straighteners or the right hair gel, so had to go for a messy just-out-of-bed look that didn’t quite come off. I was still tugging at it hopelessly when Tanya rang the room and told me to hurry up.
I teetered down the corridor in my heels and looked at myself in the lift mirror with despair. I could hear my mother’s voice: mutton dressed as lamb.
The lipstick looked garish in the harsh light and my skin blotchy. My hair, that was supposed to appear wild and shaggy in an edgy kind of way, just looked unbrushed. I determined to go down and tell Cal I wanted to get changed into the other dress and I needed more time to do my hair. Perhaps the hotel would have straighteners. At least Cal cared about how I felt – he wouldn’t railroad me like Tanya had done!
He was waiting in the foyer with Matt and Russ. ‘Hey, you look terrific!’ He came forward and kissed me, then stood back and surveyed me from head to toe. He sighed appreciatively. ‘Fabulous.’
‘Actually, I’m not really very happy in this dress,’ I told him. ‘There was another one – a black one – I felt much more comfortable in. It was more sophisticated, you know, this one feels a bit – well, a bit tarty.’
‘Nothing wrong with that,’ put in Russ, behind me. He and Matt guffawed.
‘No really,’ I said, rattled. ‘And I can’t walk in these shoes and my hair hasn’t gone right –’ I stopped as, over his shoulder, I saw Tanya give a sort of smirk. I swallowed. ‘I think I look terrible,’ I said, suddenly feeling tearful. I stopped again, afraid now I would make a fool of myself and cry.
Cal put an arm round me and led me away from the others. ‘What’s really the matter?’ He looked at me, his brown eyes full of concern.
‘I just feel very fat in this dress,’ I said, biting my lip. ‘I’m sorry I’ve got really bad PMT and I’ve had an awful week. It’s been the anniversary of my father’s death and my friend Charlotte –’ My eyes filled with tears and I scrabbled in my handbag for a tissue, feeling a complete idiot.
Cal touched my face gently with one finger and spoke in a low voice. ‘Honestly, babe, you look fantastic. Not fat at all – just really sexy. I’m really sorry you’ve had a bad time. As soon as we’ve done this bit, we’ll sit down and have a drink and you can tell me all about it. The thing is ’ he looked worried ‘ we need to get on and film this speed dating thing right now if we’re going to do it, and as I’ve sweet-talked the organisers and the hotel management into letting us, I feel we should. I said we’d be discreet – get in there and do it quickly and get out again, so it won’t take long.’ He glanced at his watch in the same way Tanya had done. ‘I’m really sorry but, –’ He looked at me appealingly. ‘Are you sure you’re OK?’
I dabbed at my eyes and nodded.
‘Look, just do this,’ he said. ‘I’ll get it wrapped up as soon as I can and then you can go and get changed if you like for the next session, but I, for one, think you look wonderful.’
He trailed a finger across the top of my arm, lowered his voice, and gave me a slow wink. ‘I almost wish I was doing a bit of dating myself …’