COOPER LAMB gave his best bloodcurdling Bela Lugosi impression: “Hello, children of the night.”
“It’s three o’clock, Dad,” said Cooper Jr., hurling his overloaded schoolbag into the back of the car.
“Excellent point. Who’s hungry for a midafternoon snack?”
“I’m guessing you are,” Ariel Lamb said.
“Okay, you talked me into it. Though let’s make it Italian pastries at Reading Terminal, since I don’t have much time and I have to take you home to your mother and then slingshot back to see a divorce lawyer over at Eighteenth and Market.”
“Why do you need to see a divorce lawyer? You and Mom are already divorced.”
Cooper exhaled and leaned back in the driver’s seat. “So that’s why she’s been so distant lately.”
“Dad!” Cooper Jr. exclaimed.
“I kid, and you children know that. Your mother is so amazing, we practically didn’t need a lawyer when we parted ways.”
“Is that why she owns the house now?”
This was the problem with raising smart, independent-minded children: They knew exactly where to slide the shiv between your ribs.
“Like I said, the woman is amazing.”
Transcript of conversation between Cooper Lamb and Prentiss Walsh, executive assistant to divorce attorney Charles Castrina
PRENTISS WALSH: You brought your dog with you?
COOPER LAMB: His name is Lupe. He’s here to make sure you fight fair, Mr.…Prentiss Walsh? Seriously? Your parents named you Prentiss? What, did they lose a bet with God or something?
WALSH: Gotta be honest, Lamb, I didn’t think you’d actually show up. But look, Chuck’s not in, and I honestly don’t expect him back the rest of the day. (Lengthy pause) Is there really a cannoli in that bag?
LAMB: Sorry. Cannoli is for closers.
WALSH: Huh?
LAMB: If you want to be a closer, tell Mr. Castrina I’m here, and this flaky, crunchy tube of Italian sweetness will be yours.
WALSH: And I told you, he’s not—
LAMB: Here. (There is the sound of a paper bag landing on a desk.)
WALSH: Wait. I can just have this?
LAMB: Enjoy. In the meantime, Lupe! Make sure Prentiss here doesn’t come out from behind his desk. (Lupe growls.)
WALSH: Come on. You can’t do this. This dog shouldn’t even be here!
LAMB: Just enjoy your snack. I’ll be right out. (A chair creaks. Lupe growls again. The chair creaks again.)
WALSH: (Shouting) Chuck! That asshole private eye is here!
LAMB: Thank you for announcing me.
Transcript of conversation between Cooper Lamb and Charles Castrina, Esq.
CHARLES CASTRINA: What, no cannoli for me? I gotta say, Lamb, you bribed the wrong guy. I don’t even know that guy’s name.
COOPER LAMB: Lucky you. Listen, Chuck, I’ll bring you a whole box of goodies from Termini Brothers if you’ll be straight with me.
CASTRINA: You know I can’t do that, but hey, thanks for stopping in.
LAMB: Fine. I’ll show you all my cards. I’m working for Francine. So are you, apparently.
CASTRINA: See, let me stop and correct you right there. I am not working for Ms. Pearl.
LAMB: Interesting omission of her married name. Anyway, I hear you, Counselor. There’s no need for a divorce lawyer when your spouse is dead. Thing is, Chuck, this is exactly why Francine needs our help.
CASTRINA: Oh, it’s our help now? Are we teaming up? Do continue.
LAMB: They’re trying to railroad Francine and I need to know why.
CASTRINA: I’d love to know too. She’s a goddamn national treasure and I can’t believe anyone would have the nerve to mess with her.
LAMB: So help me out.
CASTRINA: Can’t do it, partner. You call it helping Francine; I call it betraying a client’s sacred trust, and if she wanted me to break that trust, I’m sure she or one of the overpriced attorneys at Kaplan, DePaulo would let me know. As of right now, they haven’t, so I think we’re through here.
LAMB: I’m going to give you round one, Counselor. But that just makes me hungrier. I’m going to find out everything you know. And some things you wish you knew.
CASTRINA: How are you going to do that? Looks like you’re out of cannoli.