Partial transcript of Cooper Lamb’s conversation with Richard Gard and Loren Feldman, longtime members of the Merion Golf Club
COOPER LAMB: They really pour these bottomless Bloody Marys stiff here, gentlemen. (Palm slaps a tabletop) Hoo-ah!
RICHARD GARD: That’s one of the best perks of the club, if you ask me. And thanks for this round, Cooper. Mighty kind of you.
LOREN FELDMAN: Jeez, stop pushing the kid. If he wants to join, he’ll join.
LAMB: You know, I think you guys are talking me into it. And that’s not just the rail vodka talking. (Pause) Tell me one thing, though. Archie Hughes was a member, right?
GARD: Boy, was he.
FELDMAN: Hey, enough of that. You want to get us kicked out?
GARD: What? It’s not like it’s a state secret or anything.
LAMB: What’s a state secret? Ah, come on, guys! I’m, like, the world’s biggest Birds fan. You gotta tell me!
GARD: Archie liked to gamble. Like, on everything. You could be standing on a street corner flipping a quarter, and he’d show up and want to make a wager.
FELDMAN: Yeah, but that wasn’t the problem.
LAMB: What was the problem?
FELDMAN: The problem was, he was the worst gambler I ever met. He lost all the damn time! Whatever winning Archie Hughes had in him, he saved it for the football field. Which is good, because that’s how he could afford to do all that losing.
GARD: Aw, Archie wasn’t that bad.
FELDMAN: Wasn’t that bad? How do you lose half a million bucks during so-called friendly rounds of golf?
LAMB: Whoa. He lost how much?
GARD: Look at who’s spilling state secrets now.
FELDMAN: You started this! But yeah, he lost that much. Easy. I know a guy who pretty much financed his Margate summer home with what he took off Archie Hughes. Guy called his place the Eagles Nest. Which I think is pretty hilarious.
GARD: If you want some good Archie Hughes stories, you need to talk to Ben E.
FELDMAN: Oh yeah, Ben E. has all the great stories. Not only from here but down in AC too.
LAMB: Who’s this Benny?
GARD: Come on, you’re not that young! I’m sure you’ve seen Ben E. Franco. Legendary seashore comic. For a while there, he had a couple of men’s clothing shops down on South Street. Maybe that was before your time.
FELDMAN: The old prick did have the best commercials! Remember the one where the models in bikinis came out and whipped him because he was selling his suits for too low a price?
LAMB: Sounds like my kind of guy. How can I get hold of Benny?
FELDMAN: No, it’s not Benny. It’s Ben E. E., like a middle initial.
LAMB: How can I get hold of Ben E.?
GARD: I don’t know. Can you walk straight?
LAMB: If it makes you gentlemen feel better, I’ll call a cab before heading over to him.
GARD: No, no. That’s not why I’m asking.
LAMB: Then what does it matter if I can walk straight or not?
GARD: Because he’s sitting right across the room.