JUDY LOVED TO look out at the world from her sitting-room window, and this evening was no exception. It had been a beautiful day, and now, just after 6 p.m., it promised to be an equally lovely evening.
The street was busy with men already making their way home from work and children playing. Enjoying the sunshine, they had congregated into little groups; girls playing hopscotch, others skipping, and occasionally the odd one running to meet her daddy as he turned the corner. A short distance away up the street, the boys whizzed about on their bicycles, kicked a football or loitered on the corner, to plan their next big adventure.
From the open window, Judy watched it all, and her heart was sore. Whenever she saw the children, laughing and playing, she recalled the time when she was a child, with loving parents, and a sister she could play with. But that was before.
She thought of another child, illegitimate, a precious creation despite her beginnings. She would remember that child for as long as she lived.
But it was all gone now. Gone for ever – along with any chance she might have had for a contented, normal life.
She let the memories flood in. She thought of her father and her family, and then she thought of that terrible night, when she was turned out of house and home. But she did not blame her mother, such a proud lady, always wary not to become the subject of gossip; her worst fears had been realised, and all because of her younger daughter.
Judy could understand why Norma had been so unforgiving. She could understand a great deal more, now that the years had flowed past. She knew what it was like to be ashamed, and to hit out. She knew what it was like to cry when you were alone at night, or to walk miles and miles, just to get away from the awfulness of what life had become.
She continued to watch the children a while longer, her pretty face uplifted in a smile as they turned to wave at her. She waved back, but it meant nothing really.
She did not know them, and they did not know her.
She was just a stranger at the window.
Closing the window, she turned the volume up on the Dansette record player. ‘Lucky people!’ she kept saying. ‘Lucky, lucky people.’
When Phil arrived home, she was still curled up on the floor, listening to her records and unaware that he had come into the room. ‘You look like a little pixie,’ he told her. ‘The prettiest, daintiest little pixie I’ve ever seen.’ Reaching down, he grabbed her by the shoulders and bounced her into his arms. ‘Well?’
Discreetly rubbing her shoulder where he had dug his fingernails into the flesh, she smiled up at him. ‘Well, what?’
‘Your hardworking hubby wants a kiss, that’s what.’ Grasping a hank of her long, untamed hair he jolted her head back and kissed her full on the mouth; a long, rough kiss that left her feeling bruised.
When she tried to draw away, he held her there. ‘What’s the hurry?’
‘I’ve got your tea in the oven.’ She could tell he’d been drinking. ‘It’s cottage pie … the way you like it, with plenty of onions and the mashed potatoes scooped into crispy little peaks.’
He laughed out loud. ‘Forget all that,’ he leered at her. ‘I’ve got two other crispy little peaks in mind. Matter o’ fact, it’s all I’ve been thinking about.’ Stripping off her blouse, he wrapped his hands around her breasts. ‘This is what I mean!’ His two hands slid down to her buttocks. ‘Soft warm skin between my fingers.’
Undoing her skirt, he let it slither to the floor, then stepped back to look her over. ‘God, you’re so beautiful!’
Licking his lips, he thrust her forward towards the bedroom. When she tried to protest, he grumbled, ‘What’s wrong with you! Had a man here already, have yer?’
‘Stop it, Phil, you know very well I haven’t.’ She was used to his jealous suspicions.
He swung her round hard. ‘I would kill you if you had – you know that, don’t you?’
She nodded.
He shook her hard. ‘HAVE YOU HAD A MAN IN HERE?’
‘No!’ Irritated, she shook him off. ‘I’ve been here on my own all day, cleaning this pig-sty of a place, after the way you left it last night. I’ve asked you not to bring people in here, playing cards and drinking till all hours.’ She took the opportunity to suggest, ‘I should be out working, earning an honest wage, instead of being stuck in here bored out of my mind.’
‘YOU’D BEST SHUT IT!’ He took hold of her. ‘The day I can’t support you, I’ll give up. Besides, I’ve told you before, whenever you’ve gone out to work, there’s always been trouble.’
‘Oh, and don’t I know it.’ She faced him full on. ‘And who starts the trouble, eh? You! It’s you who has this idea that I’m carrying on with every man who looks at me. You think I can’t take care of myself, but I can. I really can!’
‘I don’t want my woman working. Folks will think we need your wages to manage, and I’m not having that. You don’t need to work, not when you’ve got me, and don’t try going behind my back because I’ll know. I’ll make sure no one will take you on ever again, not when I’ve finished with them.’
‘You’re a bully.’
He smiled at that. ‘A bully, am I? Hmm, you seem to be getting very brave all of a sudden. What’s brought this on, eh?’ He prodded her in the chest with his finger. ‘What have you been up to?’
‘I already told you,’ she answered warily. ‘I’ve spent most of the day clearing up after your people.’
‘Them “people”, as you put it, are my friends, and I pay the rent on this flea-pit, so this is my gaff, and I’ll have who I want in here, when I want. Got that, have you?’
Seeing how he was already making a fist, she nodded. ‘Yes, Phil. I’m sorry.’
He smiled, a slow, sinister smile that made her flesh creep. ‘That’s my girl.’ He stroked her face. ‘Now, let’s get on with the other business, shall we?’
Judy shrank inside; she knew exactly what he meant.
Phil Saunders’ idea of lovemaking was not Judy’s.
He took her without feeling. He broke her to him, in a most possessive and cruel way. Not for the first time, Judy wondered why she stayed with him. But then she realised: hard and brutal though he might be, Phil Saunders was all she had in the whole wide world. It was a shocking and sobering thought.
Later, with his carnal needs duly satisfied, he got out the booze. ‘A toast to us!’ He filled two glasses and handed her one. ‘You and me … the best team ever.’
When she graciously refused, saying, ‘I’ll give it a miss, Phil. I’m not really in the mood for drinking …’ he gave her a warning look that promised a beating, and so she succumbed, and hated him that little bit more.
As always, he drank to excess, then he slept and later, after wolfing down a plateful of reheated cottage pie followed by another generous measure of whisky, he told her gruffly, ‘Get your coat on, we’re off out.’
Judy protested. ‘It’s gone nine o’clock. I thought I might have a bath and an early night.’ She was mentally and emotionally exhausted. Moreover, just now she did not like him enough to want his company. ‘I’m really tired, Phil.’
‘Too bad – I need you with me. Besides, if you’re with me, I’ll know exactly what you’re up to, won’t I?’
‘When will you listen? I’m not “up to” anything!’
‘So you say. The thing is, I’ve arranged to meet up with my pals at the pub, and I like showing you off. It makes ’em jealous.’ Laughing, he slid an arm round her waist. ‘Come on, Judy. Don’t spoil my little bit of pleasure. Look, I promise we won’t stay long. In fact, I might fancy an early night myself … if you get my meaning?’
Judy got his meaning only too well, and with a heavy heart, she made herself ready.
Having trudged the length and breadth of the river, Don stopped off at a café. The waitress was a dainty little thing with a wild mop of wavy hair that reminded him of Sammie. ‘Tea, please,’ he said, ‘… oh, and what sandwiches have you got?’
For the umpteenth time that day she went through the list. ‘We’ve got cheese and onion, egg and cress, beef, pork, chicken and we’ve got ham with chutney. They all come with or without lettuce on white or brown bread.’
In spite of his aching feet, Don gave a little chuckle. ‘I’m full up just listening to you.’
She gave him a bland stare.
Feeling somewhat embarrassed, he quickly moved on. ‘I like the sound of that ham with chutney.’
She duly scribbled on her notepad. ‘White or brown?’
‘Er … white, please.’
‘Toasted, or as is?’
‘I didn’t know you could toast chutney.’
‘You can’t. If you choose toasted, you’ll get the chutney on the side.’ She leaned on the table, gave an exaggerated sigh, and rolling her big eyes she demanded, ‘Well, d’you want it or not?’
Trying desperately to stop from laughing, Don politely replied, ‘Yes, please, I’ll have it … toasted without the chutney.’
To which she gave him a shrivelling glance and swiftly departed, leaving Don pretending to stare out of the window, coughing into his hankie, when all the while he was creased up with laughter.
The toasted sandwich was, however, delicious and the tea was piping hot. ‘I really enjoyed that,’ he said at the counter, throwing a few coins into the ‘tips’ box.
‘You’re very welcome.’ The young girl was nowhere to be seen, and in her place was a more mature woman of pleasant manner. ‘We do our best to please.’
Don had to make a mention of it. ‘Your daughter is very informative, isn’t she? I mean, she recites that menu off by heart.’
‘She does, yes, but she’s not my daughter. She’s a student at the secretarial college, working part-time to earn a few pounds.’
Leaning forward, she confided, ‘She can be a bit … sharpish. Some of the customers have complained about her lack of respect towards them.’ She kept glancing towards the door marked PRIVATE. ‘She didn’t say or do anything that upset you, did she?’
Don chuckled aloud. ‘No, not a bit of it. In fact, I came in here feeling fed up and very weary, and the truth is, she cheered me up. I haven’t laughed like that in a while.’ He threw another coin into the ‘tips’ box. ‘She earned that,’ he grinned. ‘Oh, and may I say, your ham sandwiches are a real treat.’
Pleased to see that he had put a smile on her face, Don was about to leave, but then he remembered something. ‘I wonder if you might be able to help me?’ Digging into his breast pocket he drew out the photograph of Judy. ‘I don’t suppose you’ve seen this young woman about, have you?’
Putting on her spectacles, she scrutinised the photograph. ‘No, I’m sorry. We don’t get many schoolgirls in here. Your granddaughter, is it?’
‘Oh no, she isn’t a schoolgirl, at least not now,’ Don explained. ‘She’s my daughter, and this is the last photograph I have of her. She’ll be in her thirties now. We lost touch. I was just hoping that someone might look at the photograph and it might jog a memory, that’s all.’
The woman looked again. ‘I’m sorry.’ She took off her spectacles. ‘She doesn’t jog my memory at all.’ A thought occurred to her. ‘What makes you think she might be in these parts?’
‘Just a feeling, that’s all. She was born and raised near here, and somehow I can’t imagine her moving too far away. Besides, she really loved the river. Every time we came into Bedford, she would persuade me to take her down to the river and she’d have to be dragged away.’
The memory was bittersweet. ‘Truth is, if I’d let her, she would have set up home right there on the riverbank.’
‘The thing is, your daughter is bound to have changed since her schooldays. All you can do is keep asking people until you get lucky.’
Don thanked her and set off for the town. It was becoming dark now, but he was a man on a mission, and didn’t want to give up yet.
On his way to town, he stopped as many people as he came across. ‘Does this photo remind you of a young woman you might have seen hereabouts?’ The answer was always the same. ‘Sorry, no.’
He was beginning to grow disheartened, when he saw a kindly-looking soul on the corner. ‘Excuse me, would you please take a look at this picture,’ he asked. ‘Does the girl remind you of a young woman you might have seen?’
The woman looked hard at the picture, then she looked again. ‘She’s got beautiful hair. You don’t often see long golden hair like that … just like a film star’s, isn’t it?’ She looked at Don, then took another glance at the photo. ‘I’m not sure, but …’
Don grew excited. ‘Oh, please! Any little piece of information … anything at all?’
‘Well, I have seen a woman … early to mid-thirties, I’d say.’
‘Where?’ In his enthusiasm, Don grabbed her by the arm. ‘Where did you see her?’
Startled, the woman backed away. ‘Out and about.’ She grew wary. ‘I can’t recall where, but I’ve definitely seen her. It was the hair that drew my attention – lovely hair, down to her waist it was, and wavy! She apologised. ‘I’m sorry, but I can’t remember exactly where it was that I saw her, although I’m always out and about town, so you might be looking in the right area.’
Truth was, she knew exactly where she had seen her, but she thought the man would be hurt if he knew the truth, and so she kept the knowledge to herself.
Don, however, could not let it go. ‘The young woman you saw – did she seem well? Was she happy, do you think? Did you hear her laugh? Was she well-dressed, and did she have a teenager with her? Please think! How did she look, this young woman you saw?’
‘I’m not sure, but I know there was no youngster with her. I would have noticed that. Like I said, it was the mop of golden hair that drew my attention.’
In fact, she recalled seeing the woman drunk and almost coming to blows with the rough-looking man who was her companion. But how could she relay that to this dear man? He was obviously in distress, clutching the photo of the girl as if it was the most precious thing in his life.
Loath to crush his hopes, she spoke kindly to him. ‘Look, I know it’s none of my business, but you look tired. Don’t you think you should go home and forget all about the young woman? You may never find her.’
Before Don could reply, the sound of raised voices brought their attention to a group of people outside the Bedford Arms pub. ‘It’s dreadful, the carry-on outside these pubs of an evening!’ The woman Don was talking to shook her head in disgust. ‘No decent person can walk out these days, without being accosted by drunks and beggars. Something should be done about it. Lock them up, that’s what I say!’
But Don wasn’t listening any more because there, in the middle of the fracas, was a familiar figure. Her long, sun-kissed hair was unmistakable, and that certain way she hung her head when worried. Yes! It was definitely Judy. When she now began yelling and cursing, swinging her fists at the man, Don was shocked to the core.
‘I’d best be off now.’ Realising how Don had recognised the person he was searching for, the woman advised, ‘Don’t go over there.’ She touched him on the arm. ‘You won’t find who you’re looking for, not now, not after all these years, you won’t.’
He turned to look at her, and when he saw the pity on her face he realised. ‘You knew, didn’t you?’ he asked quietly. ‘You knew exactly where you’d seen her, didn’t you?’
The woman nodded. ‘I thought she might be the one, but I was hoping for your sake that I might be wrong.’ She saw how shock had seemed to make the old fellow shrink. ‘Oh look, why don’t you go home? Forget all this,’ she urged him gently. ‘Sometimes, however much you want to help your children, they still go their own way. It’s not your fault.’
Don looked at her but said not a word.
Instead, he took a step forward, stretching his neck, so as to make sure that the young woman in the midst of all that arguing and fighting really was his daughter, Judy.
The woman walked away, leaving Don to witness a degrading scene. One he would have given his life not to see.
‘BASTARD! I SAW YOU, OGLING MY WIFE! LOOK AT ’ER AGAIN AND I’LL BLACK YOUR BLOODY EYES!’ Waving a clenched fist at the cowering man, Phil Saunders kept a tight grip on Judy.
‘I don’t know what you’re talking about.’ The man was pinned down by two of Phil’s mates. ‘I never even looked in her direction.’
‘What!’ Seemingly plied with drink and ready for a fight, Judy had a plan. ‘Are you saying you didn’t fancy me? Well, I must say, that’s a nice way to treat a lady!’ She laughed out loud, a vulgar, ugly sound that echoed down the street. ‘Let him go, Phil!’ she screamed. ‘He’s not worth the bother!’
When suddenly one of the men pulled a knife and laid it across the man’s throat, Judy screeched, ‘Get away, the lot of you! I don’t need any of you to fight my battles! I can fight my own!’
Surprising everyone by launching herself at the man, she knocked him aside and fought him to the ground. Rolling about on the pavement with him, and showing her suspenders and knickers she secretly thanked the Lord when the atmosphere relaxed and everyone erupted into laughter. ‘That’s my girl! Look at her go!’ Phil yelled proudly.
While thumping at the terrified man and even grabbing a handful of hair on his head, Judy managed to whisper in his ear, ‘Run for your life! I can’t hold them off much longer. I’ve given you a chance … now go. GO!’
Hardly able to believe his ears, the man stared at her. He had thought she was drunk like the rest of them, but now he realised that she had her wits about her, and like himself, she feared for his safety.
As he took off down the street, the feel of a knife against his neck, and that young woman flinging herself on top of him was an experience he would never forget.
There was no doubt in his mind. She wasn’t drunk, after all. She had seen how the thug was about to slice into him, and she had deliberately degraded herself to protect him.
In truth, that brave young woman had saved his life.
While the man was thanking the good Lord for Judy’s intervention, Don, like the others, had witnessed an altogether different Judy. He had seen her yelling and leering, shamelessly baying for blood when the man was taken down. He had seen her claim that she could fight her own battles! Then she had launched herself at the man, wanting to hurt him, even kill him. When he ran away terrified, she had gone back, laughing and triumphant, falling straight into the arms of her husband, the one called ‘Phil’.
Don had no doubts as to the nature of her lewd companion. Clearly the worse for drink, he was a thug pure and simple, jeering and goading the others on to hurt or maim, and there was Judy, a willing accomplice. Like Nancy had said, Judy truly must have been ‘born bad’.
Half-blinded by tears, Don watched as a police car arrived and the officers inside it rounded everybody up and made them stand in a corner. He saw Judy, made to face the wall; he saw how the man called Phil reached out to take her by the hand and he heard her swear at the policeman when he snatched them apart.
Unable to watch any more, he turned away, broken and sickened by the events he’d witnessed.
In his head he could hear Nancy’s warning words, and judging by the nature of the scene he had just witnessed, he had no doubts but that the rest of Nancy’s cruel prophecy was also true.
Devastated, though relieved that he had not claimed her as his daughter, he started his journey home.
‘She’s gone,’ he muttered to himself as he wended his way through the streets. ‘The girl in the photo is gone. I have only one daughter now, and a family I love. If nothing else, I must be thankful for that.’
That young woman out there was not his daughter.
So now, he would live with happier memories, and pray that the young woman he had just seen might one day find a better life.
After questioning the bystanders, and also Pauline and Alan, Constable George Wearing had all the information he needed.
His treatment of Judy was stern but considerate. ‘You should be ashamed of yourself,’ he told her. ‘What were you thinking of, getting mixed up with this rowdy lot? Have you no self-respect? No regard for your own safety?’
Deeply ashamed, Judy said, ‘It won’t happen again, Officer.’ But she knew it would. That was the pattern of her life and try as she might, she could not seem to break it.
‘If I do catch you brawling again, you’ll be thrown in the cells and no mistake. You should think yourself lucky that no one was hurt, or it would have been an altogether different story.’ The constable’s manner was hard and officious.
Judy nodded.
‘Now go home,’ he concluded, ‘before I change my mind and lock you up anyway!’
He watched her walk away, then turned to his partner who was still dealing with the troublemakers. ‘This one was concealing a knife.’ Showing the offensive weapon, PC Williams dropped it into a bag.
Williams looked at Phil. ‘You got something to say, have you?’
Phil played the innocent. ‘Not me, Officer. I was just coming out of the pub with my lady, and we walked right into it. I ain’t done nothing wrong.’
‘Mmm!’ The constable took stock of Phil before turning to the others. ‘That right, is it? He had nothing to do with what went on?’
Behind the officer’s back, Phil gave the two men a silent warning not to drop him in it, or they would pay the price for it later.
‘That’s right, Constable.’ The two ruffians nodded in unison. ‘Him and his woman just walked into our argument.’
The officer returned his attention to Phil. He looked at him and for the briefest moment was tempted to cuff him and take him in anyway. But then he swiftly turned, nodded at his partner, and within minutes, the other two men were bundled into the car and driven away, leaving Phil standing there, feeling very pleased with himself.
A minute later, he was frantically searching for Judy. ‘Judy! Where the hell are you? You can come out now … the coppers ’ave gone. Dammit, Judy, I’m in no mood for games.’
Alerted by all the shouting, Pauline and Alan appeared on the pub doorstep. ‘Stop that racket, or you’ll have the coppers back again!’ Pauline said angrily. She’d had enough of Phil Saunders to last her a lifetime. Her uppermost concern was for Judy. ‘What have you done with Judy?’
Phil swung round. ‘Stupid cow. She’s cleared off.’
Pushing his way forward, Alan reprimanded him. ‘That’s enough of the cursing. I should think she’s gone home, and who could blame her, being quizzed by the police and all. It honestly beats me why you can never have a drink without always wanting to fight.’
‘She was flirting with that bloke! I saw the way he was looking at her.’
Alan shook his head. ‘According to you, she’s flirting with every bloke that passes within a hundred yards of her. What’s wrong with you, man?’ He glanced about. ‘Hey! They didn’t cuff her, did they?’
Phil shook his head. ‘No.’
‘Well, there you are then. Like I said, she’ll have gone home.’
Phil was having none of it. ‘Not without me, she wouldn’t.’
Growing frustrated, he bellowed, ‘Judy, I mean it! If you don’t come out right now, I’ll leave you to it!’
He was greeted with an ominous silence.
Alan was not surprised. ‘Like I say, she’s probably had enough and gone home.’ He turned to go back into the public bar, to look after his other customers.
The drunk man ignored him, cursing loudly at Judy, ‘Right then, I’m off. So when you’ve finished sulking, you’d best make your way back … that’s if I haven’t locked you out!’
‘Don’t you dare lock her out!’ Pauline knew what a nasty type he could be. ‘You go on. I’ll keep an eye out for her, make sure she gets home all right.’
Phil tried again softly coaxing. ‘Judy, angel! I need you to come home right now.’ His crude, low laughter spoke volumes. ‘All that excitement’s got me really worked up.’
From her hiding place, Judy understood his meaning all too well.
She felt ashamed and degraded; but she was not beaten. She didn’t know why, or whether it was a figment of her imagination, but some tiny, nagging feeling inside was what stopped her from harming herself. A feeling of hope, that at some point her life had to change for the better.
Crouched in the alley beside the dustbins, she had sobbed until she could sob no more. Now though, she was defiant. ‘Go away,’ she whispered softly. ‘Leave me alone.’
Disgruntled, Phil lurched into the night. ‘I’ll be waiting for you,’ he shouted.
After watching him all the way down the street until she was truly satisfied that he had gone, Pauline went in search of Judy. ‘I thought I might find you here,’ she said, helping her up. ‘I remember this place, from when you went missing before.’
The small, dark alcove tucked behind the bins was an ideal hiding place for a small person like Judy.
‘Has he gone?’ Judy held her breath.
Pauline assured her, ‘He’s gone all right. Look, stay with us tonight. I’ll get word to Phil if you think he’ll worry.’
Judy gave a scornful laugh. ‘The only thing he’ll worry about is himself!’ she replied. ‘But he’ll be like a cat on hot bricks in case I’ve gone off with some man. If I don’t show up soon, he’ll be climbing the walls.’
‘So you’re going back tonight, is that what you’re telling me?’
‘I have to, or I’ll pay the price when I do finally show up.’
‘You don’t have to do any such thing!’ Concerned by Judy’s submissive attitude, Pauline made a suggestion. ‘Move in with us for a few weeks. Tell Phil you need time to breathe … time to work out what you want to do with your life.’
‘No. I’m grateful for your offer, Pauline, but I can’t do that.’ Over these past years, Judy had come to know Phil Saunders better than anyone. She knew what he was capable of. ‘He’ll come after me. There’ll be trouble. He won’t ever give up until he gets me back.’
Linking arms, Pauline walked her back to the empty pub, where Alan was waiting anxiously. ‘Let’s get you inside,’ he said. Taking hold of Judy, he took her into the back room, while Pauline locked the door behind them.
‘Are you cold, m’dear?’ Even though it was a mild evening, he could feel Judy trembling against him. ‘Don’t you worry, we’ll soon have you right,’ he promised. ‘A cup of my hot chocolate works wonders.’
Having locked the outer doors, Pauline stood by the bar, watching the two of them amble along to the back room. ‘Oh, Judy, love. How did it ever come to this?’ It was times such as these, when she really feared for her friend.
While Alan went to make the drinks, Pauline tried once more to persuade Judy. ‘At least stay the night with us, love. Give him a chance to calm down.’
‘I’ll be all right in a minute, then I’ll go home. He’ll be watching out for me.’ Judy knew that if she didn’t go back to Jackson Street, he would return to the Bedford Arms and break the place up to get at her. Just thinking about it made her sick to her stomach.
Seeing how pale and unhappy Judy looked, Pauline tried reasoning with her. ‘I don’t understand you,’ she said. ‘Why in God’s name do you stay with him?’
In her heart Judy could find any number of reasons why she had stayed with him all this time; none of them good. When she now replied to Pauline’s question, she gave only one answer. ‘We’re two of a kind, that’s why.’
‘Never!’ Many times, Pauline had witnessed at first hand how kind and gentle Judy was. She had seen her with customers young and old, listening to their aches and woes, giving a sensitive cuddle here and there, and sometimes lifting their spirits by making them laugh.
When some time back an old regular had fallen ill, Judy visited her every day, sitting and talking with her, and running whatever errands were needed.
‘You’re a kind and lovely person, Judy,’ Pauline told her now. ‘You and Phil Saunders are like chalk and cheese. Everybody knows you would rather hurt yourself than hurt anyone else, so please, don’t ever put yourself in the same class as that monster!’
‘You don’t know everything,’ Judy told her. ‘You don’t know … what happened.’ Her voice broke with emotion. ‘I’m sorry,’ she wept.
Sensing there was more to tell, Pauline asked quietly, ‘What are you so sorry about, Judy? What’s bothering you?’
Dismayed that she had almost revealed what she had tried all these years to forget, Judy gave a shaky smile. ‘I’m sorry, because you and Alan are my only real friends in the whole world, and I’m such a nuisance to you both.’
‘You are never a nuisance. Alan and I love you like family. We want to help, that’s all.’
‘I love you too,’ Judy told her sincerely, ‘but I need to deal with things myself. I really think I should go home now.’
Before Pauline could reply, the sound of loud snoring resonated through the room.
Startled, Judy and Pauline glanced across to where Alan was lying with his feet up on the arm of the sofa. His arms above his head, he was fast and hard asleep, mouth open and tongue rattling. Pauline tried hard not to laugh, but when Judy started giggling, she couldn’t help herself. ‘What am I gonna do with him, eh?’ she chuckled.
‘Should we get him to bed, or leave him there?’ Judy asked.
‘Leave the bugger there.’ Pauline didn’t think twice. ‘Lazy article! If he thinks we’re gonna bust our boilers carting him upstairs, he can think again! He didn’t even make our hot chocolate, did he?’ They laughed again.
Thankful for the timely intervention, Judy helped Pauline to cover him over and make him comfortable. ‘We can sit and chat a while longer, if you like,’ Pauline suggested. ‘If you need to talk, that is?’ She suspected Judy was keeping a secret, though what it could be, she had no idea.
An hour later, after much persuasion, Judy let Pauline show her to the guest room. ‘You look really tired,’ the landlady said, and yawned. ‘One night away from your husband, just to get your thoughts together, won’t hurt anyone – least of all you.’
It wasn’t long before the pub fell quiet, save for Alan’s loud rhythmic snoring. Having left him to sleep it off, Pauline settled in their bed alone.
Judy was in the spare room, but she was not asleep, nor was she in bed.
Folded in the deep wooden rocking chair in the corner, her mind was alive with all manner of thoughts and memories, of Fisher’s Hill and Harry, and the way it was; and her heart was broken. ‘Where are you, Harry?’ she murmured. ‘Why did you never come back for me?’
She turned her sorry gaze to the window, where the night skies were alive with shifting clouds, and for a long moment, she was mesmerised. ‘I ruined it all, and now I have to face the consequences,’ she told herself. ‘My life will never be the same; no strong arms around me, no gentle talk and warm, loving glances.’
Closing her eyes, she could see Harry’s face, feel his gaze on her, as though the two of them, so in love, was not so many years since, but only a moment ago. Wasn’t it wonderful, she thought, how you could keep something in your heart forever, even though in the real world it was already gone.
She gave a deep, aching sigh, knowing in her heart and soul that she would never again know such love. ‘I deserve to be unhappy,’ she whispered to the skies. ‘I should never have lied. I should have been brave enough to tell him the truth, but I couldn’t, and now I’m paying the price.’
She spent a while longer, thinking of the heartfelt vows she and Harry had exchanged. Vows that meant everything then, but that were based on deception. Her deception.
In spite of all that, her memories of the time with Harry were a precious lifeline to her. They were her shining light in the quiet, lonely darkness.
Above all else, the wonderful, heart-warming memories of Harry, kept her sane.
Getting undressed, she put on one of Pauline’s nightgowns, then went into the bathroom and washed from head to toe. Pauline had brought in a bag of toiletries containing a toothbrush and toothpaste, and a brush to tame her thick, tangled hair.
Afterwards, feeling much better, she climbed into bed and was soon asleep – with Harry, and her beloved memories.
But then there was the other one! The one she so desperately needed to forget. The one who haunted her dreams night after night, giving her no peace.
Even now after all this time, the pain of it never went away.
In the early hours, Pauline awoke in a panic. ‘What was that noise?’ Turning to look beside her, she was surprised to see how Alan had made his way to bed at some time during the night. His snoring was as loud as ever.
Shaking her husband by the shoulder, she tried to wake him, and then she remembered. ‘Judy!’ In her state of semi-awareness, she had forgotten that Judy was in the house.
She listened again, and there it was: someone was crying!
Leaping out of bed, she went quickly along the landing. She inched open the door to Judy’s room and peered in. ‘Judy, it’s me – Pauline. Are you all right?’
In the dimly-lit room, she could see Judy’s small shape. She was still asleep, and obviously in distress, ‘Harry, I need you! Don’t leave me, I’m sorry … I’m so sorry.’
Pauline spoke softly to her, ‘Judy, I’m here. Pauline’s here.’ Hurrying across the room, Pauline climbed onto the bed and took Judy in her arms; rocking her gently, ‘Ssh! It’s all right … I’m here … ssh.’
When Judy opened her eyes and saw Pauline there, all the fear and sadness welled over. Safe in her friend’s loving arms, she sobbed as though she would never stop. ‘I was bad,’ she kept saying. ‘I was bad and he left me … Harry left me.’
For what seemed an age, she cried and in between gave the tiniest insight into her most secret thoughts. ‘I had to lie.’ She said it over and over. ‘I had to lie!’
A short time later, when Judy finally succumbed to a deep, quiet slumber, Pauline made her way back to her own room and climbed into bed. She listened for a time, and when she was satisfied that Judy was resting easy, she settled herself beneath the eiderdown.
She was curious. Who was Harry? Was it someone Judy had once known and lost touch with? Certainly Judy had never spoken to her of anyone by that name.
Whoever he was, he had caught Judy’s heart, until now he was invading her dreams. Where had he gone? Why had he left her, this Harry, whom Judy so loved?
Moreover, what did Judy mean when she claimed that she had had to lie. Who had she lied to? Was it this man called Harry? Or was it to someone else?
More importantly, what was this lie all about, and why was it haunting Judy in such a way?
Pauline got out of bed and sat in the chair, her thoughts straying back to Judy. Even though she had known her for some time, and loved her dearly, Pauline realised how little she really knew about Judy. Sadly, her dear friend was not one for confiding in others.
For just a moment back there, she had caught a glimpse of Judy’s troubled mind, and it concerned her.
After a while, believing Judy to be soundly asleep, she climbed into bed and slid quietly between the sheets, ‘Sleep well, Judy,’ she murmured before closing her eyes.
Yet Judy’s tearful words, and the heart-felt plea that Harry should forgive her, were too alive in her mind.
Now Pauline was the one who couldn’t sleep.