CHAPTER 46
The fake nose will be fantastic,” Jeff tells Schuyler. “But I still have the costume of the summer!”
He gestures to a shopping bag stuffed with his furry black-and-white Bossy outfit.
“You must sweat like crazy inside that thing,” says Schuyler.
“Not really,” says Jeff, forgetting that we’ve all seen just how soaked he gets every time he puts it on. He could rent himself out for shampoo commercials.
We’re hanging out in front of the church just as the sun sets over the ocean.
Bill, Dan, and Meredith come trooping up the steps from the basement to join us.
And it looks like Jeff had a word with Bill.
“You were good in there, Schuyler,” says Bill, extending his hand to shake the hand of Schuyler, the “older” boy he thought was his rival for my affections. To tell the truth, Bill’s main rival for my affections that summer was the jolly polar bear on the Icee cups. I loved those things. Especially the blue ones, which tasted, I don’t know, blue.
“Hey, Bill,” I say, “you want to come over for dinner some night?”
“Sure,” he says. “When’s good?”
“After the show opens, I guess. We’ll have pizza. Cheese pizza.”
“It’s delicious,” says Schuyler. “Very cheesy.”
“I know,” says Bill, shooting me a wink. He had dinner with me and all my sisters long before Schuyler blew into town. My pizza invitation is my subtle way of telling him not to worry. If I actually wanted a boyfriend, he’d probably be it. Why? Because he’s the easiest guy to talk to that I’ve ever met. But remember, girls—I’d been seriously bitten by the acting bug. My one true love that summer? The theater!
Bill, Dan, and Meredith take off. They all have to be at work super-early the next day. I’m hanging back with Schuyler and Jeff because I want to keep my eye on Schuyler while simultaneously making sure that Jeff bumps into Victoria down at the Taffy Shoppe. You can stay very busy when you’re trying to orchestrate young love the way Shakespeare does in his plays.
“Hey, Jeff?” says Schuyler.
“Yeah?”
“Can I try on your cow costume?”
“I don’t know. Bossy represents Swirl Tip Cones.…”
“I won’t do anything weird,” Schuyler promises. “I just want to try it on for a second.”
“But I’m supposed to meet Victoria later.…”
“You won’t be late for your date.”
“It’s not a date,” Jeff mutters as he pulls the costume out of the bag. “It’s a prearranged coincidence. Here.”
My guess? Jeff doesn’t want to talk about his crush on Victoria in front of another guy. Boys are like that. The exact opposite of girls. We blab about everything even remotely romantic to each other every chance we get!
While Schuyler pulls on the cow suit and head, I whisper my plan to Jeff. “I told Victoria I’d be dropping by the Taffy Shoppe right after rehearsal with a special surprise.”
“Does she know I’m coming with you?” Jeff asks nervously.
“No. If she did, it wouldn’t be a surprise.”
“Oh. Right.”
“Moo meyes…” says a muffled voice. Schuyler. He’s wearing the papier-mâché cow head, so we can’t understand a word he’s saying. “Ow oo I ook?”
“You look great,” says Jeff, who understands muffled Cow better than anybody, since he speaks it all day.
“Ake mah ickshure.”
“I can’t take your picture,” says Jeff. “I don’t have a camera.”
(Yes, in 1991, a camera was its own thing, not an app on your phone. You also had to buy a roll of stuff called film to put into your camera. Things were positively prehistoric.)
“We need to go,” says Jeff, because he’s eager for his rendezvous with Victoria. “Take off the costume. I want to wear it.”
“Moh-kee,” says Schuyler. His hands go up to the head.
He tugs.
He twists.
He yanks.
He can’t pull it off.