9

The Pastor’s Home

Richard L. Mayhue

As families in America grow weaker, so do an alarming number of pastors’ families. However, Scripture establishes a strong exemplary family as a prerequisite to pastoral ministry. Even though the pressure in contemporary ministry is admittedly enormous, a marriage and family relationship characterized by the fruit of the Spirit and the love of Christ will be able to withstand the inevitable assaults of a pagan, postmodern culture and the intense demands of today’s pastoral ministry. The pastor’s home must be top priority in his ministry.

One recent bestseller on pastoral ministry contained a chapter entitled “Warning: Ministry May Be Hazardous to Your Marriage.”¹ As shocking as that title is, it accurately reflects the potential reality in pastoral ministry today. A pastoral survey published in a prominent journal discovered the following significant difficulties that led to marital problems in the parsonage:²

81%	insufficient time together
71%	use of money
70%	income level
64%	communication difficulties
63%	congregational expectations
57%	differences over use of leisure
53%	difficulty in raising children
46%	sexual problems
41%	pastor’s anger toward spouse
35%	differences over ministry career
25%	differences over spouse’s career

No one today questions the obvious fact that most pastors and their families are experiencing a growing pressure because of the climate of ministry during these times.³ When one ponders the nature of the ministry, it is not surprising. Consider these pressure points in the pastorate:

1. The pastor engages in the humanly impossible—dealing with sin in people’s lives.
2. The pastor fills a never-ending role—solving one problem only to be faced with multiplied more.
3. The pastor serves with increasingly questioned credibility in the eyes of society.
4. The pastor remains on call 168 hours each week.
5. The pastor is expected to perform excellently with the widest range of skills—to be at any given time a scholar, visionary, communicator, administrator, consoler, leader, financier, diplomat, perfect example, counselor, and peacemaker.
6. The pastor is expected to produce riveting and life-changing messages at least twice weekly, fifty-two Sundays a year.
7. The pastor’s work brigade is usually a volunteer force, not paid help.
8. The pastor and his family seem to live in a fishbowl where everyone can watch.
9. The pastor is often underpaid, underappreciated, underrefreshed, and overworked.
10. As a public figure, the pastor can receive the harshest criticism from both the community and the congregation.

No thinking person can deny that the ministry is potentially hazardous to a pastor’s marriage and family. But should it be that way? Better yet, must it be that way? Most importantly, does God intend for it to be this way?

THE BIBLICAL BENCHMARK

Two key Scriptures furnish God’s imperative that a man have a strong family commitment as a prerequisite to being considered for pastoral ministry:⁴ “He must be one who manages his own household well, keeping his children under control with all dignity (but if a man does not know how to manage his own household, how will he take care of the church of God?)” (1 Tim. 3:4–5) and “Namely, if any man be above reproach, the husband of one wife, having children who believe, not accused of dissipation or rebellion” (Titus 1:6).⁵

At least three features of a pastor’s marriage and family stand out:

1. He must be the husband of one wife—that is, wholly devoted to his present wife with no roving eyes or affections for other women (1 Tim. 3:2; Titus 1:6).⁶ He must demonstrate Christ’s level of love for His bride, the church, by his own undistracted and uncompromised love for his own bride.
2. He is to lead his household (1 Tim. 3:4). He cannot delegate or lower the priority of his ultimate responsibility for the direction of his home. Thus, it is not enough merely to lead, but the quality of his leadership in the home should be excellent.
3. Children in the parsonage should be living in harmony with their father’s example and instruction (1 Tim. 3:4; Titus 1:6). This does not mean that the pastor’s children will not have their moments. However, it does demand that the overall pattern of their behavior not be an embarrassment to the church, a stumbling block for their father’s ministry, or a pattern of contradiction regarding the Christian faith.

God’s logic for these high standards moves from the lesser to the greater. If a man cannot lead the little flock of his own family effectively, he certainly cannot fruitfully undertake leadership of the larger flock, the church: “But if a man does not know how to manage his own household, how will he take care of the church of God?” (1 Tim. 3:5).

It is important to emphasize that these standards absolutely define one aspect of the prerequisites for the ministry. They are not culturally outdated; they are not optional or open for redefinition. These biblical imperatives are just as relevant today as they were when written by Paul two thousand years ago.

In this writer’s judgment, neglect of these factors in qualifying men for ministry has significantly contributed to the crises that pastors face with their families after entering the ministry. The New Testament certainly does not ignore the potentially severe pressures of the ministry. However, it does demand the kinds of men and the kinds of families for ministry that can successfully avoid the damage that would surely come to the marriage and/ or family of one who does not have a strong commitment to comply with the biblical standards.

It is true that biblical standards for the home are no different for a pastor’s home than for any other Christian home. The difference lies in the responsibility that the pastor’s home has to be an example of a mature Christian marriage and family as an encouragement to the other homes in the flock.

THE PARSONAGE UNDER SIEGE

Unfortunately, the age-old maxim, “As goes the culture, so goes the church,” remains valid today. Little about the Corinthian syndrome has changed over the last two millennia. Although the church in general has not gained ground on the culture, both continue to move away from the biblical reference point at about the same speed. The church might not get any closer to current secular characteristics, but it always seems to move further away from God’s absolutes.

For several decades some of the media have been alerting society regarding the decline of the nuclear family.⁷ Books galore chronicle the slow demise of family strength and values in America.⁸ Yet no Christian is too surprised in light of the culture’s abandonment of its Judeo-Christian heritage.⁹

The amazing development is the difficulty that Christian homes in general and pastor’s homes in particular have experienced by not avoiding the way of the world. Spiritual catastrophes ranging from adulterous pastors to divorce in the parsonage have become unacceptably too frequent.¹⁰

If the world, or the church for that matter, could look to any place or anyone for a model of the family, it should be to the pastor and the parsonage. That is too often not the case, however. Sad but true, some non-evangelicals have sensed the ultimate importance of the family, both in society and for the church, more clearly than some evangelicals.

Take Michael Novak, for instance.¹¹ He asked the elementary question, “Why the family?” His affirming response consisted of three assertions:

1. Without it there is no future.
2. It is the only department of health, education, and welfare that works.
3. There is a learning of moral virtue produced under the conditions of normal family life that cannot be duplicated in any other way.

What will it take to get the pastor, the pastor’s wife, and the pastor’s children back on track? What can be done to restore the parsonage to exemplary family living? How can we purge cultural decline from the church?

This writer’s approach is, “Get back to basics! Get back to Scripture!” I like Novak’s answers to “Why the Family?” but another answer is much better. It is that the family is God’s only plan, so do not add to it nor take away from it. Do not go the way of culture! Do not go the way of psychology! Continually return to Scripture as the benchmark of God’s will for the home.

Who could imagine living under worse conditions or more pressure than the early Puritan settlers of America? Yet their marriages and families thrived.¹² Why? Because they worked hard at mastering the fundamentals of Scripture regarding the family. Today’s pastors must take seriously scriptural standards for men in ministry as they attend to their marriages and families.

Being strong in this regard at the start of a ministry does not automatically make one immune to the pressures later on. Rather, it demands that if a pastor is to stay strong by working hard on his marriage and family, then he must start strong. The challenge is twofold. First, seriously embrace the biblical standards for the Christian home and, second, deal realistically with the potential home wreckers of the contemporary culture. All such efforts require continual dependence upon the Lord in prayer for His strength and grace.

FIGHTING BACK

A strong home begins with the pastor. He must take the biblical qualifications for ministry seriously, even if no one else does. A weak home means a weak ministry; that’s the pastor’s bottom line. Regardless of the circumstances,¹³ the pastor must lead, first at home, as a biblical priority.

In a Leadership survey of pastors, 57 percent indicated that being a pastor benefitted their families, 28 percent said it posed a hazard, and 16 percent were neutral.¹⁴ In a broad sense, the survey did not turn out as bleak as one might have expected. The good news is that the ministry might not be as hazardous to the family as some have conjectured.

Overall, however, most pastors feel their home relationships are batting above average. To the question, “How satisfied are you in your marriage?” 86 percent of those surveyed felt positive. In a related question, “How satisfied are you with your family life?” 76 percent of the pastors indicated their home life was positive or very positive.¹⁵

In addition to the pastor taking this priority seriously, his wife must take the ministry just as seriously.¹⁶ She must be unreservedly supportive, or pressures of the ministry will eventually impact the home.

Nowhere does Scripture give a list of qualities for pastors’ wives. However, the standards for a deaconess in 1 Timothy 3:11 are probably a good starting place.¹⁷ The verse lists only four qualities, but let me suggest that the standard for women is not less than that for men. Paul just decided to be a little briefer and condensed his words about deacons in verses 8–9, and 12. He wrote, “Women must likewise be dignified (, semnas),” using the same word he used in verse 8 to describe deacons. Like deacons, women must earn the respect of others through their maturity.

Second, Paul dealt with the woman’s tongue, just as he made the tongue second on the agenda with deacons. He said women are “not to be malicious gossips” by employing the Greek substantive (diabolous), the word translated “devil” elsewhere in the New Testament. He said they are not to be “devil-like” in their conversations, slandering, starting rumors, and with their tongues setting fires that righteousness cannot put out.

Third, they are to be “temperate” (, nēphalious). This word does not describe deacons, but it is one of an elder’s qualifications (v. 2). An elder is also to be temperate or sober, that is, moderate, balanced, and clear-headed. The term encompasses all that Paul has already said about wine and money in relation to the deacon (v. 8).

Fourth, women must be “faithful in all things” (v. 11). Faithfulness is necessary with regard to a woman’s home and to her relationship with her husband and children. It is safe to say that her marriage and family are a top biblical priority for a pastor’s wife.

When a pastor and his wife embrace God’s mandates for the home and the ministry with the same seriousness and high priority level, they can achieve real strength. This strength then serves as the first line of defense and protects the pastor’s family when the inevitable pressures and stresses arrive.

Without the strength of my home, I would never have made it through twenty years of ministry. My marriage and my family provide me a home where I can:

• retreat—get away from the pressures
• relax—enjoy a different environment
• recharge—gain a new supply of energy
• relate—enjoy my wife and children
• rehabilitate—heal the wounds
• reach out—to neighbors, friends, and flock
• research—uninterrupted study/writing
• raise a family—children and grandchildren
• ripen—grow in God’s grace
• rejoice—praise the Lord
• reflect—quiet moments to contemplate
• reinvest—in my grandchildren
• regain perspective—in prayer and Scripture

When I leave the fair haven of my home for ministry, I depart in strength, not weakness. When I leave those I love most at home, I do not leave them unprotected and vulnerable to the temptations that will try to seduce them.¹⁸

This seems to be the testimony of those whose home life has flourished even though it’s planted in the soil of ministry. Overwhelmingly, the pastors with healthy marriages and children, I discovered, had made a concerted effort to protect their spouse and children from the various pressures that accompany ministry.¹⁹

A PLACE TO START

The purpose of the following eleven-question quiz is to detect problems and increase the communication of a couple in regard to the most common problems in an ailing marriage.²⁰ The recommendation is that you stop reading at this point and sit down with your spouse and talk through these questions.

1. Does your spouse regularly receive more “strokes” than “knocks” from you?
   ( ) Yes ( ) No
2. Is the majority of your pleasant, leisure time shared?
   ( ) Yes ( ) No
3. Do you have at least one three-hour block of togetherness time every two weeks, or at least one getaway weekend every three months?
   ( ) Yes ( ) No
4. Do you usually settle disagreements with mutual satisfaction and no bitterness?
   ( ) Yes ( ) No
5. Do you have a satisfying balance of at-home, away-from-home work load?
   ( ) Yes ( ) No
6. In your relationship is there any game playing with money, sex, employment, etc.?
   ( ) Yes ( ) No
7. Is your physical expression of sex mutually satisfying?
   ( ) Yes ( ) No
8. Is either of you dallying dangerously with someone?
   ( ) Yes ( ) No
9. Do you feel wanted, loved, and appreciated? Even more important, does your spouse feel wanted, loved, and appreciated?
   ( ) Yes ( ) No
10. Is anything missing in your relationship that you feel is necessary?
    ( ) Yes ( ) No
11. Are you still trying your best to have a happy marriage?
    ( ) Yes ( ) No

Where an answer indicates a problem, talk it out. Then follow these steps: (1) ask what Scriptures apply; (2) pray for God’s enabling grace; (3) patiently obey God’s will in the matter.

TAKING THE INITIATIVE

Whether you are anticipating marriage, are a newlywed, or have been married for many years, the following material can serve either to prevent a problem or to correct a deficiency. I assert that the fruit of the Spirit and the love of Christ form the core strength for any Christian marriage and family.

The Fruit of the Spirit

What do you think would result from a husband and a wife being totally yielded to the Spirit of God in living out the will of God? It would be a relationship characterized by the fruit of the Spirit (Gal. 5:22, 23). It would produce a marriage made in heaven. The following describe varying aspects of that fruit:

1. Love—a sacrificial commitment to the welfare of another person regardless of that person’s response or what he or she might give to me in return.
2. Joy—a deep, abiding inner thankfulness to God for His goodness that is uninterrupted when less desirable circumstances of life intrude.
3. Peace—during the storms of life, heartfelt tranquility and trust anchored in the overwhelming consciousness that I am in the hand of God.
4. Patience—a quality of self-restraint that does not retaliate in the face of provoking situations.
5. Kindness—a sensitive awareness and willingness to seek out ways in which to serve others.
6. Goodness—an unswerving capacity to deal with people rightly in the best interest of God even when they need correction.
7. Faithfulness—an inner loyalty that results in remaining true to my spiritual convictions and commitments.
8. Gentleness—controlled strength dispensed from a humble heart.
9. Self-control—an inward personal mastery that submits my desires to the greater cause of God’s will.²¹

The Love of Christ

If we add the love of Christ to the fruit of the Spirit, we have a marriage that will not fail (1 Cor. 13:8). How does your love match up with Christ’s love as outlined in 1 Corinthians 13:4–7?

1. “Love is patient.” Therefore, I will bear with my spouse’s worst behavior, without retaliation, regardless of the circumstances.
2. “Love is kind.” Therefore, I will diligently seek ways to be actively useful in my spouse’s life.
3. “Love is not jealous.” Therefore, I will delight in the esteem and honor given to my spouse.
4. “Love does not brag.” Therefore, I will not draw attention to myself exclusive of my spouse.
5. “Love is not arrogant.” Therefore, I know I am not more important than my spouse.
6. “Love does not act unbecomingly.” Therefore, I will not engage my spouse in ungodly activity.
7. “Love does not seek its own.” Therefore, I will be marriage and spouse oriented.
8. “Love is not provoked.” Therefore, I will not resort to anger as a solution to difficulties between myself and my spouse.
9. “Love does not take into account a wrong suffered.” Therefore, I will never keep an account due on my spouse.
10. “Love does not rejoice in unrighteousness.” Therefore, I will never delight in my spouse’s unrighteous behavior, nor will I join in its expression.
11. “Love rejoices with the truth.” Therefore, I will find great joy when truth prevails in my spouse’s life.
12. “Love bears all things.” Therefore, I will be publicly silent about my spouse’s faults.
13. “Love believes all things.” Therefore, I will express unshakable confidence and trust in my spouse.
14. “Love hopes all things.” Therefore, I will confidently expect future victory in my spouse’s life, regardless of the present imperfections.
15. “Love endures all things.” Therefore, I will outlast every assault of Satan to break up our marriage.²²

Every marriage needs continual refreshment through frequent reaffirmations of these biblical truths. Good marriages will become better. Weak marriages can gain strength.

A SCRIPTURAL APPROACH

Listed below are the most significant biblical attitudes and activities that produce healthy marriages. They provide checks for the most common causes of marital trouble. Husbands and wives, rate yourselves for each element on a scale of 1 (low) to 10 (high). Place your numerical evaluation in the space provided. Take your time, and do it together.

1. Do I give myself unselfishly in our marriage relationship?
   H______ W______
2. Do we mutually agree on our biblically defined marital roles?
   H______ W______
3. Do I always put my love into action?
   H______ W______
4. Is my communication designed to build up my spouse?
   H______ W______
5. Does my response to conflict strengthen rather than weaken our marriage?
   H______ W______
6. Do I always forgive my marriage partner when I am wronged?
   H______ W______
7. Do we have a common parenting strategy?
   H______ W______
8. Do I patiently accept my marriage partner as one who is still under construction?
   H______ W______
9. Do we practice joint financial planning and spending?
   H______ W______
10. Do we periodically sit down to evaluate our marriage and then set realistic goals for improvement?
    H______ W______
11. Do we nurture loving relationships with our in-laws?
    H______ W______
12. Am I able to control my temper?
    H______ W______
13. Do we share times of spiritual refreshment together (worship, Bible study, prayer)?
    H______ W______
14. Do I work hard to be an attractive and interesting marriage partner?
    H______ W______
15. Do I understand that my primary role in the physical side of marriage is to gratify my partner?
    H______ W______

Be encouraged by your high scores and let the low elements stimulate you to change. To get started, write out what you plan to do to improve your three lowest scores.

ONE LAST WORD

The only way to reverse the generally declining quality of the pastor’s home is through a wholesale return to spiritual principles for a man’s marriage and his family. It is this writer’s estimate that whatever pressures are real today have had their relative equivalents in the past and will have their future equals.

God anticipated the unusual demands on the pastor’s home by requiring that a potential pastor already have a strong commitment in these areas before he qualifies for ministry. The commitment will grow stronger through the progress of ministry, thus protecting and defending the pastor, his wife, and children from family catastrophes that seem to be on the increase in contemporary ministry. The pastor’s home must be a top priority in his ministry.