Of all diseases, the most ferocious is despising one’s own being.
—MONTAIGNE
The ability to love others is often associated with that of loving oneself. The golden rule found in almost identical formulations in all great religions is: “Love others as you love yourself.” So it seems that the fact of wanting good for oneself is an indispensable precursor to altruism. If one regards one’s own well-being as valueless, or, worse, if one wants to harm oneself, it will be very difficult to desire good for anyone else. On the other hand, if one truly wants to do oneself good, and if one recognizes the value and legitimacy of this aspiration, one can extend it to others. In fact, clinical studies show that those who hate themselves and want to harm themselves, and who sometimes inflict physical suffering on themselves, admit that they find it very difficult to conceive of love and compassion for others.1 We should also remember that the simple fact of wishing good for oneself is in no way selfish, since it is compatible with a wish for the good of others.
During one of his many meetings with scientists, the Dalai Lama heard a psychologist talking about “self-hatred.” He turned to his translator, thinking he hadn’t understood correctly, then to the psychologist, asking him, “You did say self-hatred? But that’s impossible. One can’t want to harm oneself.” Although Buddhist psychology is of a great richness and abounds in nuances, it does not envisage the possibility that any individual would wish himself ill. The psychologist explained to the Dalai Lama that self-hatred was unfortunately a frequent affliction in the West. A long conversation ensued, and after listening to the scientists’ explanations, the Dalai Lama responded, “I understand a little better now. It’s like a state of profound unease, a disease of the self. People don’t really want to suffer, but they blame themselves for not being as talented or as happy as they’d like.” The psychologist explained that that was only one dimension of the problem, and that certain people had undergone repeated abuse and violence until they thought that if they had suffered so much, it was because they were basically bad or without any value. The scientists also explained to the Dalai Lama that some people went so far as to wound themselves voluntarily, and that self-mutilation was practiced by 10% to 15% of European adolescents. The Dalai Lama remained silent for some time, visibly moved.
To remedy self-hatred, Western clinical psychologists have emphasized the necessity of helping their patients develop more kindness toward themselves; they have created therapies based on the concept of self-compassion. Initially, I felt a certain unease about this concept, which I had heard a lot about in the West. I wondered in fact if by focusing too much attention on oneself, such a therapy risked reinforcing egocentric and narcissistic tendencies, to the detriment of openness to others. I later grew aware of the benefits of self-compassion for mental health after some fruitful conversations with Paul Gilbert, an English researcher and clinical psychologist, who for thirty years has been taking care of people who suffer from self-aggression, and with the American psychologist Kristin Neff, whose research has shown that in general the development of self-compassion and the benefits it leads to are not accompanied by an increase of narcissism.
So this is how I tried to connect this concept of self-compassion with Buddhist teachings. Basically, kindness and compassion for oneself comes down to asking oneself, “What is really good for me?” If one asks oneself this question in all honesty, one should be led to conclude, “Yes, if it were possible, I would rather not suffer, and I’d rather feel happy.”
The main obstacle, for many people who have a very negative image of themselves and who adopt self-destructive behavior, also comes from the fact that, too often, the possibility of happiness has long been denied them. Simply wishing to be happy only makes memories of traumatic events arise. These people then come to turn this violence against themselves, instead of hoping for a happiness that has constantly eluded them.
Still, as soon as they accept the mere idea that it is preferable not to suffer, which is often a difficult step for them, they are ready to adopt ways of being and acting that allow them to escape the vicious circle of suffering. This attitude also becomes a platform for generating compassion for others, since it facilitates the understanding that others, like me, would rather avoid suffering.
In fact, many scientists who study self-compassion and therapists who use it as a tool to help their patients have drawn inspiration from Buddhist teachings. At the same time, the research on self-compassion has also motivated those who conduct programs, both Buddhist and secular, aimed at cultivating altruism and compassion, to include training in self-compassion as a preliminary step.
Another essential point seems to be the realization of a potential for change. Often, those who harm themselves think they are basically guilty (“It’s my fault”) and that they are condemned to be what they are (“It’s part of myself”). If their unhappiness were truly unavoidable, we would only be adding to their torments by telling them they can get better. If we cannot choose what we are—namely the result of a multitude of factors independent of our will (such as how we were treated in childhood)—we can actually act on our present and our future.
It is not rare for some people to be tormented by the feeling that they are unworthy of being loved, that they lack any qualities, and that they are not made for happiness. These feelings are usually the result of the scorn or repeated criticism of parents or relatives. Added to this is a feeling of guilt: such people judge themselves responsible for the imperfections attributed to them.2 Besieged by these negative thoughts, they constantly blame themselves and feel cut off from other people.
According to Paul Gilbert, in this pathological self-criticism that constitutes a kind of inner harassment, one part of the self constantly accuses another part, which it hates and despises.3 You think it’s better to blame yourself than to provoke the anger of those who abuse you, and risk a redoubling of violence.” According to Neff:
The best way to counteract self-criticism, therefore, is to understand it, have compassion for it, and then replace it with a kinder response. By letting ourselves be moved by the suffering we have experienced at the hands of our own self-criticism, we strengthen our desire to heal. Eventually, after banging our heads against the wall long enough, we’ll decide that enough is enough and demand an end to our self-inflicted pain.4
In order for these people to go from despair to the desire to recover in life, we must help them establish a warmer relationship with themselves, and to feel compassion for their own suffering instead of judging themselves harshly. From there, they will also be able to improve their relations with others.
As we said above, self-mutilating behavior affects 10 to 15% of adolescents in Western Europe, especially girls, a great number of whom experienced traumatic childhoods (abuse, rape, incest, systematic denigration by the parents, etc.). Among those who present severe personality disorders, self-mutilation occurs in 70% to 80% of cases. By inflicting major physical damage on themselves, they are trying to put an end to a painful emotional state. Most of them assert that self-mutilation provides them with a sensation of relief and reduces the high physical and psychological tension that is oppressing them. Two-thirds assert that they don’t feel any pain during self-mutilation.5 Self-mutilation in fact provokes a release of endorphins in the brain, substances that procure a fleeting sensation of calmness.
These practices are not a specifically cultural phenomenon, but rather a universal signal of extreme distress when the pain becomes overwhelming and is not acknowledged. They are so clearly forewarnings of a possible suicide attempt.6
Paul Gilbert has for thirty years been treating people suffering from self-aggression. He has developed a therapeutic method of training in compassion (Compassionate Mind Training, or CMT).7 He tries to have his patients discover a zone of security and human warmth and, little by little, to substitute kindness toward oneself for self-hatred. Clinical studies carried out on a large number of patients have shown that CMT considerably reduced depressive states, self-mutilation, and feelings of inferiority and guilt.
According to Gilbert, one of the problems of those who criticize themselves excessively is that they do not have any soothing memories to evoke when they feel bad—memories of kind, affectionate treatment. They can easily imagine the critical part of themselves, the part that tends to control and dominate them, but they have trouble calling to mind and visualizing kind, compassionate images. One of the therapist’s roles is thus to help them establish a warmer relationship with themselves.8 Kristin Neff’s research has led her to identify three essential components of compassion for oneself:
• self-kindness, that we be gentle and understanding with ourselves rather than harshly critical and judgmental;
• recognition of our common humanity, feeling connected with others in the experience of life rather than feeling isolated and alienated by our suffering;
• mindfulness: that we hold our experience in balanced awareness, rather than ignoring our pain or exaggerating it.9
According to Kristin Neff, individuals who have acquired habits of extreme self-criticism don’t realize that they are in fact capable of kindness toward themselves. To help them, they are asked to begin by identifying such a possibility, even if they feel it very weakly, and then to make it stronger.10
From there, they will feel increasingly safer to open up to others, feel less threatened by empathic distress, and feel more concerned by others’ fate as well.
It is important to realize the interdependence of all beings and of the world around us. The psychologist Heinz Kohut insisted on the idea that to feel that one belongs is one of the main aspirations of human beings. One of the major causes for mental health problems is the feeling of being cut off from others, even when they are just a few inches away.11 The feeling of having no self-worth , however, goes hand in hand with feeling separated from others, and hence being vulnerable. That is why, according to Neff: “Recognition of the common humanity embedded in self-compassion is such a powerful healing force.… Our humanity can never be taken away from us, no matter how far we fall.”12
To allow them to reinforce the feeling of being connected to the world and to all beings, Paul Gilbert suggests to his patients visualizations like this:
I would like you to imagine a sea in front of you that is a beautiful blue, is warm and calm, lapping on a sandy shore. Imagine that you are standing just in the water with the water lapping gently at your feet. Now as you look out over the sea to the horizon imagine that this sea has been here for millions of years, was a source of life. It has seen many things in the history of life and knows many things. Now imagine the sea has complete acceptance for you, that it knows of your struggles and pain. Allow yourself to feel connected to the sea, its power and wisdom in complete acceptance of you.13
This technique has its origin in Buddhism. It allows us to handle disturbing thoughts and emotions. A secular version was developed by Jon Kabat-Zinn, who has used it for thirty years with great success in hospitals under the name Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction, or MBSR. Since then, Kabat-Zinn’s methods have been applied in hundreds of hospitals throughout the world, mainly to resolve physical and mental difficulties and pain associated with serious illnesses, postoperative convalescence, chemotherapy and other cancer treatments, as well as chronic pain.14
Many studies have established that among patients who follow mindfulness training for eight weeks according to the MBSR method15 for thirty minutes a day, the immune system is reinforced, and positive emotions (joy, optimism, openness to others) are more frequent.16 In the case of self-hatred, a study by Shauna Shapiro and her colleagues found that a six-week training in MBSR considerably increased the participants’ level of self-compassion.17 In Mindful Compassion, Paul Gilbert and Choden explored how to join meditation on altruistic love and compassion with mindfulness meditation.18
Kristin Neff’s research has clearly highlighted the differences between self-compassion and self-esteem.19 We might wonder, in fact, if people who criticize themselves should try above all to acquire a higher opinion of themselves. But, as we have seen, one can also fear a reinforcement of the individual’s narcissism. In fact, research has shown that acquiring an excessively high opinion of self has many disadvantages, including a tendency to overestimate one’s abilities, to demand things of oneself of which one is not capable, and to blame others when things go badly.20
Kristin Neff has made clear the fact that unlike self-esteem, an increase of compassion for oneself is not accompanied by an increase of narcissism.21 On the contrary, it is accompanied by a serene acceptance of our own weaknesses and faults, an acceptance that preserves us from the temptation to blame ourselves for what we are, an acceptance that is not synonymous with resignation.22 Neff in fact states:
One reason that self-compassion may be more beneficial than self-esteem is that it tends to be available precisely when self-esteem fails. Personal flaws and shortcomings can be approached in a kind and balanced manner that recognizes that imperfection is part of the human condition, even when self-evaluations are negative. This means that self-compassion can lessen feelings of self-loathing without requiring that one adopt an unrealistically positive view of oneself—a major reason why self-esteem enhancement programs often fail.23
The healing effect on anxiety, depression, shame, and mental suffering that was long attributed to the development of higher self-esteem turns out actually to be more closely related to self-compassion.24
According to the observations of Paul Gilbert and his colleagues, among patients who suffer from self-aggression, any mention of love for others or compassion for sufferers usually arouses a reaction of rejection. No doubt it’s too much to demand of people who already have so much trouble loving themselves. There are of course notable exceptions: people who suffered considerably in their youth at the hands of adults, and who then reconstructed themselves and spent the rest of their lives helping people in difficulty. Once one has established a better relationship with oneself, it becomes easier to feel kindness and compassion for others.