Caitlin lives walking distance from my church, and while I thought I would not be up for it after yesterday’s big news flash, I am decidedly very much in the mood to be back in my home church.
I didn’t even call Beau because I figured he would be working all morning with Paige. I let myself acknowledge this without going down a path of dark thoughts or jealous rants.
And when I see him entering the church from the other side of the sanctuary, I am only glad, relieved, and happy.
He scans the crowd, notices me, and rushes over. His hand reaches for mine and doesn’t let go during the service, which makes taking communion difficult and makes experiencing communion attainable. When he gets the chance, Beau looks at me and mouths he is sorry. Later he nudges me and whispers it in my ear.
A part of me wants to strangle him right here in the pew we have chosen as our favorite spot. I figure that is about 49.9 percent of me. One of my biggest fears in a relationship is to be made the fool of, to be taken advantage of, to not be cared for in some way that is important. Beau’s lack of being forthright is shocking. If anyone else was dating a guy who did this, I would be skeptical. I would be a love atheist or at least a romance agnostic. But this is my Beau. The one who treats me well, laughs with me, and cares about the people I care about. The view is much different from here by his side.
Which brings me to the 50.1 percent that wants to readily forgive him. I want to hear his reasons and believe him wholeheartedly. I want to be the giver of grace.
I have not heard his reasons for keeping the truth from me.
I don’t have to imagine them because I know them well.
I have not yet told him the whole truth about Marcus. It never occurred to me to reveal that Marcus is not just a good-looking, good-hearted guy who is helping my parents, but someone I had a relationship with. A young, teen relationship, but nevertheless one that affected me and my heart deeply at that time in my life. If Beau visited me at the center, he would see how closely Marcus and I work together. And should he stumble across the detail that we once dated, I would be standing in the same place of guilt by omission.
I am ready to give grace because I know I need to ask for it as well.
On the steps of the church, I confess to Beau that I dated Marcus many years ago. Beau says he felt jealous of Marcus from the beginning, but only because Marcus was close to me, geographically speaking. I laugh and say it was the same threat I perceived about Paige.
We come clean about our past enough to reassure the other that it was our past trials that made us who we are today. There you have it, love professed in clichéd story morals.
Best of all, we both agree it cannot be geographic distance that keeps us together or tears us apart. The faith we have in our future stems from the grace we are giving to one another this weekend. It is a clean slate that we don’t disturb with lots of exuberant promises or vows. Doing so would only remind us how fragile this relationship is, and we both want to give it a real chance at survival.
Today, as I hand Clarissa my ticket, there is no extra security check. Beau does not give me more ways to stay in touch with him, and I follow Clarissa’s rules carefully. I think I even see her smile as she recognizes my name and driver’s license image which is, sadly, hard to forget.
As I sit on the plane flipping through the airline publication and pretending to read, I figure out that the camera phone, the calling card, and the necklace Beau gave me last month were less about Paige specifically and more about the fear of what distance can do to a relationship—and what the nearness of others can also do to a relationship.
I reach into my bag and pull out the gaudy necklace. The chunky chain and mother of pearl goes around my neck—once again. It is my act of faith.