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The morning after his encounter with Becca, he woke from another one of these journeys feeling drained and battered. But something felt different about today. For the first time in his life, he couldn’t see through the fog of depression and motivate himself to go to work. The familiar voice of reason that pulled him out of bed each day had gone missing.
When he finally shoved himself out of bed half an hour later, the phone on his bureau rang; even half-asleep, he recognized the number for Harbor Hospital, and the last dregs of his sense of duty commanded him to pick up. “Hello?”
“Kevin, hi.” The warmly compassionate voice belonged to one of the emergency room senior staff, and he immediately tried to force the remnants of sleep from his brain. “How are you?” she was asking.
“I ...” In the face of her sincerity, his fragile façade crumbled slightly. “I’ve been better.”
“I know.” She paused. “Listen, this isn’t easy for me to tell you, but ... the hospital has decided to let you go. For now. There’s been some suspicion about your actions lately. It has come to our attention that you may have copied some files, and you know that’s a violation of the HIPAA laws. Dr. Miller has also expressed his concerns that you haven’t been yourself lately, and your performance at work has suffered. ” Her last words were tacked on hastily as if she thought he would pitch a fit without them. “We’re really concerned about you, Kevin. We think it would be best if you took a leave of absence from Harbor until an investigation is completed and until you can come to grips with the circumstances surrounding Rachel Knight.”
There was an uncomfortable silence for a few seconds as Kevin willed himself to say something intelligent but drew a blank.
“You’re an excellent doctor Kevin, and I know you’re going through a lot, and I think it’s clouded your judgment and has affected your performance lately. I believe you can rise to the occasion and be the doctor you once were, but it’s going to take some time for you to heal and get over this. You know how the administration frowns upon anything that would damage its reputation, and they feel it would be better for all parties if you took a leave of absence. Take some time off and spend it with your family, or you might want to take an extended vacation if you haven’t been on one lately.”
“Thank you,” Kevin said. “I understand the hospital’s position and I’m sorry.” He felt no emotion as he expressed his apology. “I’m sorry.”
“Things happen for a reason,” she told him. “I really hope you find the help you need and heal from this devastation. I fear if you don’t, the world will never know how great you can be.”
He thanked her again robotically, then placed the phone gently back into its cradle. His feet found their way back to the bed, and he collapsed onto the mattress, his face pressed into the rumpled bedspread.
That was it. The bright dreams of his future had been extinguished. He was officially disgraced.
Kevin didn’t know how long he lay prone on the bed, but eventually he rolled over and stared at the shadowy ceiling. What would he do now? What could he do? He could stay in LA, languishing in the ruins of his collapsed career, or he could make a break for it and try his luck somewhere new. Far enough where no one would know him.
He nodded to himself. That seemed right. There was a place he had gone a few times as a boy, a small town perched on the edge of the ocean and full of art. The name tugged at the edge of his recollection—something beginning with an M. He’d find it on a map later; he could see where it was, just north of the crook of California’s elbow. Closing his eyes, he let the imaginary sound of breaking waves lull him back toward sleep.
Kevin awoke some time later that morning to stare at the ceiling. His life had been turned into a pile of immobile sensibility. He was void of emotion and didn’t think it was something he could ever come back from. No matter what the people at Harbor Hospital thought. He sat up and methodically made his way into the small kitchen of his apartment, a practiced ritual he could do with his eyes closed. He would shuffle into the kitchen and start his day off with a cup of dark coffee. But there was something different about today. In the back of his mind, he didn’t see himself in that apartment for much longer.
He ignored the clutter of empty sleeping pill and cold medicine bottles scattered all over the kitchen counter. The nightmares had gotten worse, and he was only able to sleep but a couple hours before waking with a drenching sweat and heaving chest.
His coworkers had urged him to seek help from a therapist, but he also knew if he could just escape LA and spend quiet time with God, then he would come back with renewed hope and strength. But the spark of hope faded as quickly as it came, extinguished by the voice of doubt reminding him he could never escape from the nightmares or the pale faces of either Sarah or Rachel in death.
The girls had been so young. There was so much more in life that neither of these girls would ever experience, and he couldn’t understand why God would subject them to something as awful as what they had suffered through. They were innocent and pure.
How could He allow guilty criminals to roam the streets of LA murdering and hurting others without consequence and then allow these two innocent girls to suffer a tragic death? It didn’t make sense to him. Where was God during those times? He shook his head and came up with the only logical conclusion an unbelieving mortal could. God wasn’t at fault for the deaths of either girl. He was. He was the reason he and his niece got killed, and he couldn’t save Rachel. He was to blame, not God. His head fell into his hands, and he began heaving sobs.
A firm knock at the door caught his attention. He opened it and saw Brian with a sheepish grin, standing there with his green scrubs on.
“Oh, it’s you.” Kevin made a face and left the door wide open before turning around to shuffle back into the kitchen.
“Hey, I heard what happened. I hope you don’t mind me dropping by,” Brian said as he followed Kevin into the apartment. His gaze skimmed over the hamburger wrappers and Styrofoam containers of food littered around the living room. “Looks like a tornado came through your place. Are you okay?”
“Well, let me see. My ex-girlfriend turned out to be the Devil in disguise, I just got suspended from Harbor for a potential HIPAA violation, and now my future career as a ER doctor may be cursed. Besides those few minor issues, I’m doing fine.” Kevin creased his lips into a frown.
“Look, I’m sorry about what happened. But you know how strict the hospital is about protecting patient rights. What were you thinking when you copied that girl’s file?”
Kevin clenched his jaws together. He didn’t expect his best friend to understand his irrational behavior. How could he justify his action when he couldn’t explain the sudden devastating grief that had blindsided him? Only someone who had experienced what he had gone through would be able to empathize with his unfounded action. “That’s exactly the problem. I wasn’t thinking. I haven’t been able to think clearly after Rachel’s death. It’s like I’m walking through a dark blanket of fog without any fog lights. Don’t ask me why I did it. Maybe it’s my way of punishing myself. A way of torturing myself as punishment for letting that girl die.”
“But Kevin, you knew that was part of the risks when you became a trauma doctor. We can’t save every patient that comes through those double doors. Look, I’m really sorry about Rachel, I know she reminded you of Sarah, and you know how I adored your niece. But they’re two different people, and you need to separate the two.”
“It’s easy for you as an outsider to say that. But believe me until you’ve gone through the same thing, you’ll never know what it feels like. Feeling like you can’t breathe, like someone’s holding your head underwater. She was the spitting image of Sarah. She could almost be her twin. You weren’t the one who fell asleep at the wheel. You have no idea what kind of pain I’ve had to suffer with. The guilt I’ve had to stuff inside all these years so I could continue to focus on my career at Harbor. You don’t think that it kills me every time I think about Sarah lying in a coffin?” Kevin shook his head silently.
“Look, I’m sorry if I’m coming across a little insensitive. I know I haven’t been in your shoes, and cross my fingers, I hope I’ll never have to face the same circumstances. But you have to think before you do something that might have dire consequences. Dr. Miller was even questioning me, asking if I was involved in your illicit behavior.”
Kevin shot a glance at Brian. “He did?” His brows furrowed with concern. He had never intended that his actions would jeopardize his best friend’s career. “How could they even think to accuse you? I take full responsibility for my actions.”
“I think it’s because they know we’re good friends, and they want to be sure to stamp out any violations before it gets out of control.”
“What did you say?”
“I told Dr. Miller I knew absolutely nothing about what you did.”
“Did he believe you?” Kevin gazed apprehensively at Brian’s face.
“I think so. He knows I have an impeccable reputation around the ER. But Kevin, this is your career we’re talking about. All those years of medical school and your residency at Hopkins. You know how hard it is to get into those programs? There are doctors out there who would pay almost anything to have the credentials you do. Don’t throw it all away.”
“It’s not that I’m doing this on purpose. I can’t help how I feel.”
“Sometimes we can’t get too attached to our patients. It’s part of the job.”
“Rachel wasn’t just any patient. She was an innocent teenager who deserved a second chance at life. And I couldn’t offer her that.”
“We can’t play God with our patients, Kevin. You need to let this go. I took the liberty of putting in a good word for you with Dr. Miller. I tried to explain the circumstances surrounding your questionable behavior.”
“You what!” His voice pitched louder. He could feel a burning sensation radiate from his stomach.
“I only did it to help you.”
“Brian, you had no right to discuss my personal problems with Dr. Miller. That would have been my call. How could you betray my confidentiality without asking me? For goodness sakes, we’re good friends. After all the shifts I’ve swapped with you so you could spend time with Terry on the weekends, and that time I saved your butt by stopping you from accidently dosing a patient with the wrong medication. And this is how you repay my friendship? Whatever I’m struggling with, whether it’s Sarah or Rachel’s tragedy, it’s to remain confidential between us unless I say it’s okay. Do I make myself clear?” Kevin balled his fists as he narrowed his gaze at his friend.
Brian surrendered his hands into the air. “Alright, I’m sorry. I didn’t know it was such a big deal to keep it a secret. I was only trying to help.”
“Well, don’t bother helping me unless you check with me first.”
“I’m sorry, it won’t happen again.”
There was an uncomfortable silence as Kevin stared at the counter.
“Look, I didn’t mean to make you more miserable. I just came to say I’m sorry about the hospital letting you go, and if you ever need anything, I’m here for you.” He drew his hand out toward Kevin. “We’re still best friends, right?”
Kevin sighed deeply and said nothing as he tried to process his feelings. While they had worked through their share of normal disagreements, he couldn’t help but feel a slight agitation over Brian’s insensitive behavior. Sharing his deepest pain was something he guarded carefully and made privy to the few he allowed into his private world. Besides Heather, Brian had been one of them. But deep down, a part of him knew he was acting irrationally, more emotional than normal. How could he hold a grudge against Brian when all his friend wanted to do was help him out? The Holy Spirit convicted his heart, and the lines on his forehead slowly melted away. “I’m sorry for getting angry at you. It’s just that I’m dealing with a lot emotionally.” He shook Brian’s hand. “Yeah, we’re still friends.”
“That’s okay. I completely understand. You’ve been there for me when I’ve acted like a jerk. So what are your plans now?”
“My career in Los Angeles is pretty much on hold now. There isn’t a single hospital here that will hire me with an active suspension from Harbor. I’ve been seriously thinking of taking some time off to get away from LA.”
“Where will you go?”
Kevin didn’t have a definite answer. Being suspended and having to relocate from LA was something he had never anticipated. “I’m not sure yet, maybe Northern California, but I’ll figure it out. I just want a place where nobody will recognize me. A place that’s peaceful and quiet, where I can pray and do some serious thinking so I can figure out what to do with my life.”
“Well, once you decide, let me know so we can keep in touch. I’m just a phone call away if you need someone to talk to. I’ll pray for you too.”
“Thanks, it means a lot to me. Right now, I need time to work through the pain.”
“Does Crystal know about what happened?”
Kevin shook his head. “I haven’t told her. We haven’t been that close since the thing with Sarah. It’s been a while since I last talked with her.”
“She must be taking it hard.”
“Yeah. Now you know why Rachel’s death affected me so much. I have to live with the guilt of letting Rachel’s mom down, and then I have to deal with all these painful memories I’ve had to suppress for so long.”
“Seems like you’re really walking the valley of death.”
“Literally.”
“Alright then, I’ll let you focus on your future plans.” Brian glanced at his watch. “I’ve got to get going. My shift starts in forty minutes. Hang tight, alright? You’ll make it through this. God will help you. If you’re interested, some of us will be down at Caffe Grande if you want to join us.”
“Thanks, but I think I’ll pass this time. I’m not in the mood for socializing right now.”
“No problem, I understand.” Brian gave him one last hug before driving off to work.
Even though Brian’s visit had lifted his spirits momentarily, it wasn’t long before the familiar cloud of depression imprisoned him. After pushing himself to finish his breakfast, Kevin pulled a map book from the small junk drawer beside the refrigerator and began searching for his next destination. He finally came to where he knew to be his new home, a little town in northern California that called his name. A childhood image flashed through his mind, and in that instant, he knew God had led him to that place. Nodding his head, he circled the name of the town with the black permanent marker in his hand and began making plans.
He planned to pack light. Just his clothes and a few essentials. There would be no purpose in lugging around unnecessary weight for only a few short months. The suitcases made an eerie sound as he slid them on the top shelf of his closet and set them on top of his queen-sized comforter. A rush of air escaped his lips as he began to pack all of his most prized possessions.
He would leave his sister Crystal a message telling her where he was going and what he was doing as soon as he was settled somewhere. His sister and he had grown apart after his niece’s death. While he feared the inevitable, it didn’t surprise him when it happened.
Although his sister tried to be involved in his life, he couldn’t forgive himself for what had happened to his niece or the anguish and grief that he caused his sister. She was the only person left in his family with both their parents gone, and he was sad over the breakdown in communication between them. He had promised to protect his little sister for the rest of his life after their parents had been killed overseas. A promise he had failed to live up to.
He had been the reason Sarah was no longer with them and why the light had gone out of his sister’s eyes. It should have been him. Yes, his sister and niece would have mourned for him, that he was sure of, but Crystal wouldn’t have lost the most important thing in her life, and Sarah would be alive. Why? That was all he needed to know. Why? Why her? Why now? Why them? Hadn’t they lost enough? First their parents and now sweet Sarah.
His mother had always told him God never gave a person more than they could handle. He had once believed in that promise, but now he wasn’t so sure anymore. If the promise from the Bible had been true, God would have known Sarah’s tragedy was more than his family could bear. No parent should ever have to bury their own child. It wasn’t right. It wasn’t fair.
Why God?
Without a second thought, he dropped to his knees and fell forward onto the floor. Tears streamed down his face as he poured out his soul to the heavens, telling the Almighty how unjust the world was and demanding to know why his family had been singled out to bear so much grief.
After what seemed like an eternity, he stood and brushed the tears from his face as he packed up the last few things he needed. After everything that was important to him was stuffed neatly in the back of his car, he pulled away from the curb and began the long journey up north. His navigation indicated it would take just over nine hours to reach his destination, so there was no sense in speeding on the freeway and getting a ticket. He eased back into the leather seat and lost himself in the jazz music that flowed freely from the rich sounding speakers in his car.
A blanket of sadness shadowed over Kevin as the scenery rushed past in one seamless blur. In the back of his mind, he knew there was a slim chance he would ever see Crystal again soon. Maybe it was probably better that way. She needed to be happy, and as long as he was around, she would be reminded of that tragic day when her life was ripped apart. Even though he knew it was Sarah that had died, a major part of Crystal had died that day too, and with that, their relationship as brother and sister.
