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Chapter 14

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Stepping into the house later that evening, Stephanie took a deep breath. Her father had gone through the surgery with flying colors and was now resting at the hospital. Her mother, the stoically faithful wife, refused to leave his side, and Stephanie had eventually agreed to bring her clothes, medicine, and personal things back later on that evening. Her mother had made out a list, and Stephanie had quickly run home to get the items and bring them back to her.

As Stephanie stepped through the familiar double doors, she felt uneasiness take seed inside her mind. It seemed being inside a hospital now made her feel edgy, and she found it difficult to relax and sit still. Her nerves had never been a problem before, and now she found herself worrying over everything. She knew it was due to the fact the place reminded her of where her baby had been taken from her.

Haunting memories of Rachel’s last breaths inside of a hospital killed her, and she couldn’t stand being in one for even a short amount of time anymore. But this evening would be different. She was determined to muster every ounce of willpower and work through it for the sake of her parents. Anything to make sure they would be OK. They were all she had left now, and her heart couldn’t sustain another loss in the family. Her father’s heart attack had scared the living daylights out of her, and she knew she would have no other choice but to keep a closer eye on him from now on.

Life seemed to pass in one continuous blur, especially since she had Rachel, and she had missed many opportunities to spend quality time with her parents. She knew that by staying with them, she would have the ability to watch over both of them again, and make sure they were well taken care of. The idea soothed her nerves, and she decided she would mention it to them when her father’s condition stabilized.

Stephanie couldn’t stop thinking of the conversation she remembered from the nurses. She knew that the doctor lived here now. Maybe he was looking for a job at the hospital or one of the local clinics? She remembered the empty stare he had given her. He had looked so forlorn and lonely. She saw a whirlwind of emotions in the depths of his eyes. Anger, sadness and desolation. They were all there, tormenting the poor man. She now realized that he blamed himself for the death of her daughter. She felt bad for him. Deep in her heart, she felt a pulling and tender ache for a man that she didn’t even know. She knew that if he felt the same anguish she was feeling now, then he needed help from her.

Stephanie vowed to do whatever was needed to see him get better. She didn’t remember much from that fateful night. She remembered the feeling of the cold floor as her knees had dropped to it. She had bruises on her knees from that fall for days after. She remembered feeling the coldness of the floor on her knees because it felt like her heart. Cold and dark inside. She remembered the feeling of being underwater and how everything had drained away. Light had diminished until it vanished from her sight, and she remembered being wet. Her shirt and hair were soaked with her tears as she wept for her daughter. She wept for what seemed like forever then continued her mourning by laying in her daughter’s bed and weeping again until her whole body was numb, and she couldn’t feel anything. She couldn’t hear anything, smell anything. Nothing. Her senses shut down completely in her feeling of loss. It was as if she lost a part of herself that night, and in reality, she had. She remembered the feeling of her father’s arms wrapped around her. She remembered looking blankly at the doctor in disbelief.

She finally felt like she had purpose again. Taking up her laptop she began her search for the man that she knew needed help. Somewhere out there was a man who was lost and needed her and Jesus to guide him back to the road he was supposed to walk on. The road only he could choose to walk down. Her mother had agreed with her when she spoke to her about the doctor as they waited for her father’s surgery to end. She had told her that she should pray for him and help him to recover from what he was going through. Her mother thought it would also be good for her to be able to talk to him, to ease his feelings of guilt. She had stated that recovery was different for everyone, but it was so much more inspiring when there was someone to do it with.

Knowing that what her mother had said was the truth, she picked up the phone and began dialing the numbers on her search. She called hospital after hospital and all the places she thought that he would be working at now. She began to feel herself slip into the defeated sense again. Where could he be? How could she find him? She didn’t know, but she knew she couldn’t quit now. She had a purpose and a job to do. God had placed the desire in her heart to help this man, and she would follow it to the end.

After two hours of calling every clinic and hospital in the town and the neighboring towns, her search turned up empty. Disappointed and tired from the emotional rollercoaster of the day, Stephanie fell into a deep sleep that night of a smiling little girl and giggles in the darkness.

Rising from a deep sleep later that night, she looked at the clock and saw that it was a little after eight. She didn’t know what else to do. She suddenly felt again that she was on a narrow path that led to nowhere. Her faith in God was being tested, but she refused to give up, knowing deep down that He was the only one who could help her to succeed in this path she was headed. Stephanie mumbled a quick prayer, asking for guidance in her search for the doctor and for healing from the pain she was suffering. Then she locked the front door, walked to her car and climbed in.

She wanted to travel down memory lane, to go to the one place she knew she couldn’t keep herself from visiting. Stephanie pulled up outside the large building and put the car in park. She looked out at the people running in and out of the large double doors. There was only one ice skating rink in town, and it normally only operated for just a few short months of the year. It was also where all the concerts took place during the summer time. It had been one of Rachel’s favorite places, and they had started coming there when she was five. They would come every Saturday in the month of December. They would start with breakfast at the diner and then ice skate for a few hours until Rachel had had enough. Then afterwards, the two of them would pick up some hot chocolate at the café in town.

She took a deep breath as she got out of the car and made her way forward to the doors. As she walked through the lobby, the rush of crisp air bit at her face and the familiar smell of ice tingled her nose. It was a smell that was unlike any other, and it made you feel like it was winter and Christmas. Inside this place, a little girl’s dream would come true. There were some mornings they would be all alone, and they would imagine themselves as princesses and an evil sorceress was chasing after them. They would also imagine themselves as swans on the water paddling gracefully around a lake. Rachel had been a natural on the ice, and sometimes Stephanie would simply stand there and watch her. It was as if the people around them disappeared and they had vanished into another world when they skated, and Stephanie knew that getting on the ice in remembrance of her daughter would probably do her good and make her feel a little better. She carried the skates over her shoulder and made her way down to the side of the rink. Putting her shoes in one of the square boxes that held shoes, she began lacing her strings up. After her skates were tied, she made her way onto the ice.

Stephanie pulled her hat down over her ears. She remembered watching Rachel twirl around on the ice and how she looked like a natural. She would twirl in the air and skate around like she was born to be there. She looked like a professional, and Stephanie remembered leaving the ice to sit in the stands and watch her daughter’s graceful moves. She was amazing, and she regretted more than ever not getting her lessons. She could have been great. Rachel had said she wanted to join the Olympics, and Stephanie believed with all her heart that she could have made it big. Like every child, Rachel wanted to be famous. But now . . . Stephanie shook her head and let out a sigh.

She continued to skate across the ice and laughed as she thought of the times she had with her daughter. There had been so many good times, and she had so many fond memories of her daughter that she couldn’t help but feel joy in remembering them. She knew that she had to find a way to give Doctor Pierce the same peace that she had rediscovered. The guilt that had been laid on his heart had turned him into an emotional cripple, and she needed to find a way to show him and prove to him that he wasn’t to blame. That there was hope for a better life.

Stephanie knew God worked in mysterious ways, and there was no way her finite mind could understand the workings of the infinite. There was no way of knowing how things were going to turn out or how bad circumstances could have a purpose for good. God knew all and saw everything. That’s why the pastor had said her faith was so important. Having faith in not only God and his word, but believing in it and herself as well. She needed to have faith in herself, knowing she would come out of this crisis a better woman, someone who could make a difference in someone else’s life.

She needed to make the doctor see this. She needed for him to see that Jesus was there right beside him. That there was a hand reaching out to him to help. He needed to take the hand of Jesus into his own and embrace the lovely and the unlovely in life. She needed to help him find God’s purpose for his life so that he had a reason to go on. Stephanie wanted to offer him a foundation to start and grow his faith, and there was only one place she could think of where she could go to and pray.

Stephanie made her way back over to the small seat where her shoes were in the cubby hole. She quietly took her skates off and replaced them with her shoes. It was a long drive coming down every weekend during the month of December, but they had made it and stayed at her mom and dad’s for those weekends.

Rachel had loved it. She would help her grandmother in the kitchen, and they would make everything from fried squash to cookies and cupcakes. Her daughter was a natural in the kitchen just like her mom. There were a lot of qualities Rachel inherited from her grandmother like her talent in cooking, her artistic abilities with her paintings, and her outlook on life. Even through the divorce and the fallout afterwards, Rachel had always been worried about her mother and had checked up on her numerous times throughout the day. She had been conscious of everything that was going on around her even if she wasn’t involved.

Rachel was also the first one to give a helping hand if someone needed it. Like Stephanie’s mother, Rachel would give the shirt off her back to help another person. It was just how she was. She was a good person with a heart of gold. She had her moments like every teenager, but Stephanie counted herself lucky. She had a good girl. She looked up and saw that Reggie was coming towards her. Reggie was the owner of the rink, and they had become friends over the years. He knew that she had frequented the rink many times with Rachel, and she was sure he remembered who she was.

“Hello Stephanie.”

“Hey Reggie.”

The older man sat down beside her and patted her on the knee. “How you doin’ honey? I mean that’s kinda a dumb question considering. Isn’t it funny how people ask it knowing darn well that the answer isn’t going to be a good one? But anyway, I wanted to check on my favorite customer.”

“Thanks Reggie. I’m getting there. It’s still hard, but I try to tell myself that God has a plan.

Reggie’s cheeks creased as he gave her a smile. “While I saw you skating, I remembered a saying I once heard a while back. I thought it was fitting to share with you. ‘Think of your child, then, not as dead, but as living; not as a flower that has withered, but as one that is transplanted, and touched by a Divine hand, is blooming in richer colors and sweeter shades than those of earth.’”

Stephanie’s face softened with a smile. “Wow that was beautiful Reggie. Thank you so much.” She reached out and embraced him tightly.

“It was written by a British theologian named Richard Hooker.”

“Thanks. Well I hate to leave in a hurry Reggie, but I do have to go.”

“Go on my dear. You let me know if you need anything, and I’ve told the girls up front that you can come and go as you please. There will no longer be a charge for you, my dear.”

“Oh Reggie, you don’t have to do that. Really I can pay.”

The man rested his hand on hers. “You come here to remember your daughter, right?”

“Well, yes. Rachel loved this place. It was our own little haven.” She smiled when she thought about it.

“Then you can’t put a price on memories. They’re priceless, and you’re free to come and think of your angel at any time. I won’t put a value on your memories or the memory of your daughter. You have a good day you hear and come back.”

“Thank you, Reggie. I appreciate it again.”

“You’re welcome, my dear. Just remember, God is with you.”

She nodded as he leaned down and briefly kissed her forehead.

Stephanie made her way back to her car and began driving. She needed some tips from someone with experience in the matter, someone who could help her to steer this man in the right direction. She needed help in saving this man from a life condemned to a life of solitude and unhealthy anguish. She knew he blamed himself and couldn’t see past the wall of depression that had imprisoned him.

But Stephanie knew better and believed that while God was invisible, He was actively involved behind the scenes of our lives and the only one who had the authority to take or save a life. She knew that Dr. Pierce, with the best of his human abilities, worked in an imperfect world, an atmosphere where people thought he held the choice of life and death in his hands. But what he didn’t understand was that God would always have the final say in the matter, and there was nothing he could say or do to change what the Divine had predestined. It was a concept she needed to make him understand before it was too late. She took a deep breath as she turned down the next street.

The streets were almost completely dark now, but she knew the little chapel down the street never closed. It was quiet, and the lights were down inside the small church as she stepped over the threshold.