SARA BRUSHED AWAY the tears as she drove to her father’s house. Her discussion with Grant, argument really, had been worse than she’d imagined. She’d said some ugly things. But he had as well. Some of it had needed to be said on both sides.
It hadn’t taken her long to pack. Sara had touched the beautiful wedding dress that hung in the closet but hadn’t folded it into her bag. She had taken the dresses Grant’s mother had bought her. Before she’d left her and Grant’s bedroom she’d pulled off her wedding ring. Biting her lower lip so she wouldn’t cry, and with a shaking hand, she’d placed it on the bedside table.
Bag in hand, she’d stopped by Lily’s room and looked in on her. She really was a perfect little girl. As wonderful as Emily. A tear had slid down Sara’s face.
When Emily had emerged into the world, her friends Sally and Charles had been there, waiting to receive her. She herself had been an onlooker. The doctor had handed Emily over to them, not laid her on Sara’s chest. Tears had crawled down her cheeks but she’d said they were from happiness for her friends. That wasn’t true. They had come from the deep groaning heartache she’d felt at giving up something that had been a part of her. That time didn’t compare to the misery she felt now at leaving Lily. Grant. Just as it had had to be that way then, it had to be that way now. Would she ever stop having to give up people she loved? Would she ever be good enough for them?
She had found Grant in his father’s den, sitting behind the desk.
“I’m leaving now.”
He had looked up. “You know I want you to stay.”
“And you know why I can’t.” It had hurt to say it but it was true.
“Thank you for all you have done for Lily.”
“You’re welcome. Did you find a nanny?” If he’d said no, would she have stayed for Lily’s sake?
“I called a service. They’re sending someone in the morning.”
“You’ll let me know when I need to sign the divorce papers.”
“Sara...” The sentence had remained unfinished.
Their looks had met and held. Then she’d picked up her bag and walked out.
At her father’s house she knocked on the front door. He answered with a look of surprise. “What’re you doing here, little girl? And with your bag?”
“Dad, I need to tell you something.”
“Come in,” he said.
It felt odd, being invited into his home, because it had always been hers as well. Instead, she’d begun to think of Grant’s as her home. Now she really didn’t have one. She entered, placed her bag beside the door and followed her father into the sitting room.
“So what has happened, little girl?” her father asked as he settled into his chair.
She took the one nearby. “I’m sorry I couldn’t tell you sooner but our marriage wasn’t a real one. We only married so he could get custody of Lily.”
“I suspected as much.”
“He was awarded custody today.”
“And you left.” There was disapproval in his tone.
She nodded.
“I’d hoped you two could make it work. I could tell from the very beginning that there was something special between you. He’s a good man. You can’t work it out?”
“It’s not to be, Dad.”
Over the next few days she went about life in a daze. She started her new job but didn’t have her heart in it. If she had a spare moment she wondered how Grant was doing, if the new nanny was taking care of Lily as she should. Sara was miserable. Sleep was hard to find. Focusing on work was sometimes impossible. And with each baby she saw she thought of Lily. Worse was the way her body ached for Grant’s touch. As awful as she felt, it didn’t help that her father looked at her with the pitiful expression of a man who didn’t know what to do to make the situation better for someone he loved.
Time went by as slowly as a hot summer day and she questioned whether or not Grant was right. When she looked at it clearly and honestly she had to admit she had run. There was no doubt about that. But what if she had stayed? Maybe in time he would have been able to share his feelings. Grant was just getting adjusted to his new life as a single father. A lot had been thrown at him at once. Could she have remained if he had said he loved her? Her friends cared for her and would have welcomed her as a favorite aunt to Emily but she had run from them. She didn’t want to run anymore. No longer push the good things in her life away.
Three weeks after leaving Grant, she and her father were having dinner when she blurted out, “Dad, why did Mother leave?”
“We’ve talked about this before.”
“No, we haven’t. I’ve asked and you’ve never answered. I’d like to know. Was it because of me?”
He looked grief-stricken. “Where did you get that idea?”
“You never would say. Is it because I’m too much like her?”
He took her hand. “Oh, little girl. It had nothing to do with you and everything to do with her. She always had a fragile personality. When she left it wasn’t the first time. You just don’t remember the others because you were too young. I would cover them up by saying she was visiting a friend. Your mother wasn’t a happy person. She started taking drugs to make her feel better but that didn’t work. I never wanted you to think badly of her so I thought it best you didn’t know. As you grew older, you stopped asking.”
“Do you know where she is?”
“The last I heard she was in a halfway house for drug addicts and not doing well. I think she left us because she loved us, not because she didn’t. She just couldn’t control her life. I’ll never forgive her for the way she did it because she scared you. That was wrong. But what I do know is that she loved you dearly.”
The moisture in her father’s eyes matched that in Sara’s.
“My greatest regret is that I couldn’t have helped her more.” He squeezed her hand. “You, Sara, are my true joy. You have cared for me, and more people than I can count as well. My fear isn’t that you’ll be like your mother but that you don’t care enough about yourself.
“As your father, I say it’s time for you to get out and live your life, not take care of me. Or anyone else, for that matter. You need to think of yourself for a change. Stop running from life and start living it. That big heart of yours is special but it can be your undoing.”
Wasn’t that what Grant had told her?
* * *
Later Sara sat in a chair on the deck, looking up at the night sky. Only a few weeks ago she would have never sat in the dark. She could only see a few stars but her heart warmed with the knowledge that there was a star named after her. Grant had given her more than she could have ever imagined. A place to belong, ease in the night, a child to care for, a home for her father and a taste of happiness beyond any she’d ever known.
She would make some changes. Starting with contacting her friends and seeing how they and their child, Emily, were doing. It was the first time she’d thought of her as belonging to them.
It was also time to figure out what she wanted out of life, then be prepared to grasp it and hold on.
* * *
Grant had been well aware of how much Sara had taken care of Lily and him but never more so than throughout the weeks since she had left.
There were no words enough to describe how much he missed her. He enjoyed sex as much as any red-blooded male but what he missed the most was having her against him in bed. More nights than not he prowled around the house then ended up sleeping on the couch.
He’d removed Evelyn’s portrait from the living room, storing it away for Lily if she wanted it someday. He would adopt her when he could and would eventually tell her about her parents, leaving out the part where he was involved.
Looking around the den that he always thought of as his father’s, he now saw it as his. It didn’t hold the negative connotation it once had. One of last things Sara had done before she’d left had been to place on a bookshelf a framed photograph of him and Lily she’d taken.
Everywhere there were reminders of Sara. This den, in the kitchen, Lily’s room and the bedroom. She had permeated his life and found her way into his heart.
That hadn’t happened before. But could he really trust Sara? He’d given what he’d believed was love before and had had it thrown back in his face. Could he take a chance of that happening again? It couldn’t be any worse than the misery and loneliness he was living with now.
He looked out the window at the night sky. Even that reminded him of Sara. She was the strongest, most giving person he knew. Only she would carry a baby for someone and marry a man to save another. Wasn’t that the type of person he could trust?
The phone rang and it was his mother. “I got your message that you won the custody case. Since that’s what you wanted, I’m glad.”
His mother might take some time but she would come around where Lily was concerned. It had taken him effort, with the help of Sara, and his mother would do the same, though sadly it would be with his assistance only.
“I did.”
“You don’t sound as excited as I thought you might be.”
“I’m glad. It’s just that now that has happened Sara has gone.”
“I’m sorry to hear that.” His mother did sound sorry. “Why?”
“Mother, she only agreed to marry me for Lily’s sake and to help out her father.”
“I don’t believe that for a minute. Didn’t you see the way she looked at you during the wedding? She cares about you. Quit letting your father and Evelyn’s betrayal control your life.”
“Why did he do it?” He didn’t have to say his father’s name.
“Because he was a self-centered old man who let his vanity hurt someone he loved very much.”
“He didn’t love me.”
“Yes, he did. He just didn’t know how to show it. You were everything he had wanted to be and couldn’t be any more. He was a weak man, jealous of your youth, your abilities, your girlfriends, and your intellect. But that didn’t mean he didn’t love you. I know that you don’t remember because they were covered by ugliness as you got older, but he was a good father at one time. It could have been him or us both who made you see love with such a distrustful view. I’m sorry for that.”
“Mom, you didn’t—”
“Don’t start lying to me now. Just know that there are good people out there who will not disappoint you. Take a chance. Figure out some way to make peace with what your father did and find happiness. I have to go. I’ll call again soon.” She hung up.
How like his mother to drop a bombshell and move on. How was he supposed to find peace?
* * *
He spent the next few weeks asking himself that question daily and coming up with no answer. Sara would know what he needed to do. He picked up the phone to call her but ended up putting it down more than once. She’d made her position clear. He had to respect that. Between looking for a way to find peace, missing Sara and dealing with the demanding replacement nanny, he was at his stress max. His colleagues seemed to find somewhere else they were needed when he came around. He wasn’t a fun person. He’d liked who he was around Sara.
Two nights later, on his way home from the hospital, he passed the lot where his father had taken him as a child to look at the stars. An office building had been built on the lot but he pulled into the parking area and turned off the engine. Stepping out, he looked up at the sky. He couldn’t see the stars as clearly as he had as a boy but they were there.
His father had given him the love of stargazing, something that Grant was sure to pass on to Lily. So how had things turned so ugly between him and his father?
“What did I do, Dad? Why did you treat me the way you did?”
There was no answer, only the sound of a distant car along the street.
Grant shook his fist at the sky. “Why would you treat someone you loved the way you did?”
His chest tightened. Was he holding his father to a higher standard than he himself could live up to? Hadn’t he also pushed someone he cared about away? Had his father been hurt by him? His mother? Brother? His father was human. Everyone had feelings. He’d never thought of his father as a man with fears, faults and foibles.
What he needed to do was not make the same mistakes. It should be his goal to see that Lily grew up safe and secure. To know she was loved and valued.
She’d had that with him and Sara. But Sara was no longer in their lives. He’d never trusted her enough to ask her to stay. Why had he treated Sara the way he had? Why hadn’t he been able to tell her he loved her? He did.
Because he was scared. He didn’t want to feel the pain of rejection as he had with his father. Evelyn. But wasn’t he in pain anyway? How much more agony would he have if he ignored how he felt about Sara? Tried to go thought life without her? He groaned.
He’d remember the lessons of his past, change his present and strive for a happy future. The first step in doing those was to talk to Sara and beg, plead and promise her all the love he could give.
* * *
Sara was in the process of dressing for the day after another fitful night of sleep when her phone rang. It was Kim.
They had been in touch since her and Grant’s breakup. Sara had explained that it just hadn’t worked out between her and Grant.
Kim’s retort had been, “You sure looked like you were getting along fine at the wedding.”
Sara had responded with a few more noncommittal statements and after that Kim had let the discussion drop.
To hear from her so early in the morning meant something was wrong. Her heart thumped against her chest. Was it Grant?
“I thought you would want to know. Lily’s been admitted to the hospital.”
Sara sank to the bed. “What happened?”
“I’m not sure. I just know that Grant canceled all his cases for the next few days.”
“I’m on my way. Thanks for letting me know.”
Sara, with heart pounding and gripping the steering wheel, pulled into the hospital parking lot just before eight. Why hadn’t Grant called her? Then again, why would he? After all, she’d left acting as if she wanted nothing more to do with him or Lily. But loved them dearly and wanted nothing more than to be a part of their lives. Even if her and Grant’s relationship was rocky, she could still show concern for Lily. Maybe help.
There were so many diseases that could cause a young child to become sick. Ones that could affect Lily for the rest of her life. Trying not to think the worst, she hurried through the double sliding glass doors into the lobby of the huge metropolitan hospital. She stopped at the reception desk and gave Lily’s name.
The middle-aged woman told her a floor and room number. “Only immediate family are allowed at this hour.”
“I’m Mrs. Smythe.” It was the first time she’d used the title in public. She found it rolled off her lips rather easily, as if it belonged. At the bank of elevators, she entered one and rode up.
She hesitated before walking down the long tiled hallway. Would Grant be glad to see her? What would she do if he sent her away? She couldn’t let those worries stop her. He needed her even if he didn’t think he did.
Sara knocked quietly on the door to the room then pushed it open. No one stirred. “Grant?” she said softly, not to wake Lily if she was asleep. Sara stepped further into the room. What she found broke her heart.
Grant sat on a small sofa with his head in his hands. She’d seen him angry, disillusioned, and sad, but nothing like the total despondency she was witnessing now. Looking around the room, she didn’t see Lily. Oh, no!
“Grant?”
He looked at her, sat up straighter. His arms opened and she walked into them. Sitting on one of his knees, Sara wrapped her arms around his neck and held him tight. Grant put his head in her chest. They sat like that for a few minutes. He finally looked at her. His eyes were red-rimmed from tiredness or emotion, she wasn’t sure which.
“Lily?”
“The doctor thinks she has meningitis. They have taken her down for a spinal tap.”
Relief flooded her. Thank goodness it wasn’t the worst, as she’d feared.
“They don’t know if it’s viral or bacterial. She’s so sick. Running a fever, crying so that nothing makes her happy. I’ve seen many sick adults but nothing as pitiful as Lily. I was helpless to do anything for her.”
“We just have to believe that she’ll be fine.” Sara rubbed his back.
“I came home very late this morning and the nanny met me at the door, frantic. I took one look at Lily and knew we needed to get to the hospital as soon as possible. Do you know what it’s like to have to hand over someone you love to someone else to care for? I felt powerless.”
Her chest constricted. “I know exactly what you mean.”
His gaze met hers. “I’m sorry, I guess you do. Better than most.”
“How long has Lily been gone?”
“About thirty minutes. They said it would take about an hour.”
Sara untangled herself from him. “You need some rest. If I understand correctly, you haven’t had any in over twenty-four hours. Get some sleep so you can think straight.”
“I need to wait to hear what they say about Lily.”
She stood. “I’m not going anywhere. I’ll wake you when she comes back.”
Grant took her hand. “Sit with me. I’ve missed you.”
Sara nodded and took a seat at the far end of the sofa. “Put you head in my lap and close your eyes.”
He leaned back and did as he was told. “That’s what I missed most about you being gone. Someone taking care of me,” he murmured as his eyelids lowered.
Grant’s large body crammed on the small sofa reminded her of too many circus clowns trying to get into a tiny car. Seemingly impossible but accomplished. Sara stroked his hair and soon he was breathing evenly. She’d be here as long as he needed her. Until he told her to go. No more running.
* * *
Grant woke to the sound of Sara’s voice. She was there with him. He’d never been so glad to see someone.
Lily. What about Lily?
He sat up. A nurse and an orderly were positioning Lily’s metal baby bed against the far wall. Sara stood and started across the space. Her posture implied she was in caregiver mode. He joined her beside Lily, who lay quietly in the bed.
“What did they find out?” Sara asked the nurse as she brushed a finger across Lily’s cheek.
“The doctor will be in to speak to you in a few minutes,” the nurse said, straightening out an IV line. She and the orderly nodded before they left.
“I don’t think I’ve ever been more scared than I have been in the last few hours.” Grant gripped the bed. “To think I resented Lily, offloaded my issues with our father on her.”
Sara rubbed a hand across his shoulders as they both looked down at the child. “You came around pretty quickly. It doesn’t take long to fall in love with her.”
“Yeah, but I didn’t do as well by you.” He put an arm around her waist.
Her body tensed.
Was Sara afraid of what he might say next? “I love you, Sara. I think I have since the moment I saw you in the door of the chapel. Whatever happens here, I still want you with me. We belong together.”
She turned in his arms and before she could say anything his lips found hers.
Someone cleared their throat. Grant pulled back. He glanced around and saw Lily’s doctor. Releasing Sara, Grant took a step toward the balding man in scrubs with a lab coat over them. “Dr. Rodgers, what did you find out?”
He smiled. “The preliminary test shows no bacterial meningitis.”
“That’s great.” Grant turned and hugged Sara briefly. She had tears in her eyes. Keeping a hand at her waist, he presented her to the doctor. “This is my wife, Sara.”
“Nice to meet you,” Dr. Rodgers said.
“So what happens now?” Grant asked.
“Lily will need to at least stay overnight and we’ll start antibiotics and keep her on fluids just to be on the safe side. She should be able to go home tomorrow if there are no negative changes.”
Grant shook hands with him. “Thank you so much.”
“You’re welcome. Now, why don’t you try to get some rest? You look like you need it.” With a smile he left the room.
Grant gathered Sara into his arms again for a tight hug. She returned it. When he let go he cupped her face and looked into her eyes. “Tell me you won’t ever leave me again.”
She smiled. His heart almost beat out of his chest. “I love you too and I’m never leaving you and Lily again.”
“That’s what I wanted to hear.” He found her lips again.
Lily whimpered. Sara broke their kiss. Reaching into the bed, she picked up Lily and cradled her against her chest. There was a rocker in the room and Sara sat in it. Grant adjusted the IV pole so it stood nearby. Sara looked down into Lily’s face. “I’ve missed you, my little love.”
Grant’s world had righted itself.
* * *
Sara couldn’t believe that Grant had said that he loved her. Even more significant was that he’d kissed her right there in the hospital room. Even more wonderful, it was the first of many times he did so.
She talked Grant into going home only by reassuring him she wouldn’t leave Lily for a minute. Hoping he would stay and get some rest, she really wasn’t surprised when he turned up hours later with food for both of them. They stayed the night in Lily’s room, taking turns sleeping on the sofa. Lily was released the next morning. Sara called work, saying she wouldn’t be in, and followed Grant and Lily home.
As she pulled up the drive she thought back to that first meeting between her and Grant. She chuckled. They had come a long way since then. Circling the house, she took her old slot in the carport. Grant had Lily out of the car seat by the time she arrived to help him. She had missed these moments and had believed she’d never have them again.
An hour later they had Lily fed and settled in her bed for a nap. They each placed a kiss on her forehead. Out in the hall, Grant said, “As much as I would like a nap myself, with you naked beside me, I think we need to talk first. Then, as your doctor, I’m going to order one.”
He took her hand and led her down to the kitchen. She broke their contact. “I’ll fix you some coffee and put on water for tea.”
Grant took a seat at the table. As she worked she felt him watching her.
“You know, after you left I hated coming in here almost as much as I had hated going into my father’s den. This is just a kitchen when you aren’t here but when you are it becomes a home.”
She looked at him. “Thank you. That might be the nicest compliment I’ve ever been given.”
“I meant every word. Sara, I’m sorry I couldn’t see what was right in front of me. I was so scared to trust you or anyone else again that I almost lost you.”
“So what happened to change your mind?”
“You leaving. Me being miserable. Being forced to face my demons. I had to accept my father was human. He made mistakes but they weren’t ones I have to repeat. I could lose the best thing that ever happened to me or decide that I would be different. I’ve chosen different.”
She brought him a mug of coffee and set her cup and saucer on the table. “I’ve known you were different from the moment you decided to raise Lily.”
“Sara, I want you to help me do that.” He put his hand in his pocket, pulling out her wedding ring. Going down on one knee, he took her left hand. “Will you continue to be my wife?”
Joy surged through her. He slipped the ring on her finger. She kissed him with all the love in her heart. Breathless, she broke the kiss. This was her time and she was going to grasp it and hold on for dear life.
Grant sat in his chair again but didn’t let go of her hand.
“I’d like to tell you something.”
“Anything.” He kissed her hand.
“I called Emily’s parents.”
Grant looked at her intently. “How did that go?”
“Better than I thought it would. I cried. They cried. And they forgave me. I’m planning to have dinner with them next week. Would you go with me?”
He smiled. “Just try to stop me.”
“I have one more request.”
“Name it and it’s yours.”
She looked at his handsome sincere face that she loved so much. “Will you call me sweetheart?”
His smile reached his eyes. “I will every day for the rest of our lives, sweetheart.”
* * * * *
If you enjoyed this story, check out these other great reads from Susan Carlisle
ONE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS
HIS BEST FRIEND’S BABY
THE DOCTOR’S REDEMPTION
THE REBEL DOC WHO STOLE HER HEART
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