FLO HAD HEARD on the way back to The Hollywood Hills Clinic that Kyle had crashed. She moved as quickly as she could, yelling at people to get out of her way as she raced to the OR. When she got to there she learned that they had Kyle stabilized and Nate was performing his cardiectomy.
She scrubbed and then entered the OR. One of her younger surgeons was taking the organs and readying them for transplantation. A nurse helped Flo into her gown and she was gloved. She approached the surgical table and could see that Nate was about to remove the LVAD.
“The organs look good?” Nate asked, not looking up.
“They did. They’re viable.”
He nodded. “I will have the heart removed and then we can place it and work on the lungs. It will be a long haul.”
“I know,” Flo whispered. “Look, about—”
“I don’t want to talk about it. Let’s focus on Kyle, shall we?”
“Of course.” Flo took her place as assist to Nate and she watched him work with bittersweet sadness, knowing that soon he would be going back to New York and she wouldn’t see him again.
Even though she had resisted the idea of them pretending to be a couple to protect The Hollywood Hills Clinic, these last weeks had been the best time of her life. She’d had that bucket list for so long, but she had never really done anything about it.
Until she’d met Nate.
Not that he’d done anything risky with her, but he didn’t treat her like she couldn’t do things. He encouraged her, he treated her like she wasn’t going to shatter at any moment, like her parents had always done.
She’d never minded being by herself. It was easier than risking her heart, as she had learned earlier on, but now that she’d had a taste of being with someone she cared about, someone she loved, she was going to miss Nate.
She was going to be lonely for a long time.
Focus.
Flo returned to the task at hand. They removed the left ventricular assist device and then went about removing Kyle’s damaged heart. He was put on bypass and then they removed the lungs. The donor organs, which were in the icebox on a heart-lung machine, were brought forward. Flo took on the lungs while Nate worked on the heart.
No words were needed as they worked seamlessly together. It was like they’d been doing this kind of surgery together for years. Kyle lost a lot of blood, but blood was ready on standby for transfusion.
It was a grueling eight hours, but Flo didn’t feel it. Adrenaline fueled her and when breaks were needed she took a shot of espresso, which was kept just outside the OR. Two transplant surgeries in a row and she was feeling exhausted.
“Remove the clamps,” Nate said. “Let’s take him off bypass.”
Clamps were removed and the bypass machine was shut down. Nate glanced at her and Flo nodded and sent up a silent prayer.
Come on.
As the machines started, Kyle’s new donor heart pinked up and began to beat. His lungs moved as he took breaths. There was clapping and Flo laughed out loud.
Nate was grinning behind his surgical mask—she could tell by the way his eyes were crinkling. “Let’s close him up, Dr. Chiu.”
“Indeed, Dr. King.”
They finished closing up Kyle, inserted drains and tubes and had him off to the post-anesthesia recovery unit. Later, if there were no problems, he would be moved up to the intensive care unit. Flo didn’t plan on leaving the hospital at all. She was going to monitor Kyle all night. She peeled off her gown and disposed of it before scrubbing.
“I’ll stay with Kyle tonight,” Nate said. “He’s my patient after all.”
“Are you sure?” Flo asked. “I don’t mind staying with him.”
“He’s not your patient. He’s mine. I want to monitor him and when he’s strong enough we’ll take him back to New York. That’s what he wants. He wants to go back to New York to recover. His parents are there.”
Flo nodded and finished scrubbing. “We’ve managed to keep things quiet but we should speak to Freya and Kyle’s people about giving a press conference about the surgery.”
“You’re not going to be there?”
“No.”
Nate sighed. “For what it’s worth, I’m glad you were in there with me.”
Tears suddenly and unexpectedly stung Flo’s eyes, but she wouldn’t let them fall. “Me, too.”
Nate left her alone and she leaned over the sink of the scrub room, letting the tears fall. Tears of regret, hurt and most of all relief.
She didn’t want him to go, but she’d ruined that.
So it was best he went. Besides, how could she love a man who didn’t want to be loved in return? A man who still clung to the past and punished himself for that?
The answer was that she couldn’t.
* * *
Nate didn’t bother changing or shaving. He just made sure his scrubs were clean. If the public wanted a press conference so badly after he had just finished an eight-hour surgery, then they could see him like this.
He walked into the press room, blinded a bit by the flashes, and took the spot at the podium.
“Thank you all for coming. As you are aware, a donor for Mr. Francis was found in a hospital about forty minutes away from The Hollywood Hills Clinic. Dr. Chiu retrieved the heart and lungs, which were found viable. After removing Mr. Francis’s left ventricular assist device, Dr. Chiu and I successfully removed Mr. Francis’s damaged heart and lungs and replaced them with the viable organs.”
“How long did the surgery take?”
“Approximately eight hours. Mr. Francis will be in the intensive care unit for some time.”
“How is his prognosis? Will he make his Broadway debut?”
“His prognosis at this moment is stable. The next forty-eight hours will give us a better picture,” Nate said. “As for his Broadway debut, that will be on hold for some time. Mr. Francis’s recovery will be long and he will be on anti-rejection drugs for the rest of his life.”
“Where is Dr. Chiu?” someone shouted, and as Nate glanced at the man he saw Flo, in her street clothes, sneak into the back of the room. No one noticed she was there.
Seeing her made his pulse race.
Why had he had to ruin it? Why did she have to live so dangerously? The loss of control he felt around her was too much for him to bear. He had to put distance between them, even though he loved her.
“Dr. Chiu is monitoring our patient in the ICU.”
“Once Mr. Francis is stable and returns to New York, what will become of your relationship with Dr. Chiu? Is this the end of the dream team?” There were a few chuckles.
“We’ll see how a long-distance relationship goes.” He glanced to where she was standing, but all he saw was Flo’s back as she left the press room.
It killed him to hurt her.
Why did he have to hurt her?
Because you can’t lose her, too.
And that was it. She was so determined to live her life and he wasn’t. He was too scared to move forward. Too scared to lose someone he loved again that he was willing to damage his own heart.
“Now, if there are no more questions about Mr. Francis’s surgery, I would really like to get back up to the ICU floor and monitor my patient.” Nate excused himself, even though there was still a barrage of questions coming at him. He ran out of the press room to try and catch Flo.
There was no sign of her.
He cursed under his breath and made his way up to the ICU. When he got there, he checked on Kyle. He was still intubated, but his vitals were good. For someone who had just had a heart and lung transplant, he was doing well.
And Nate could recall the way his friend’s heart had stopped under his hands. How he’d almost lost him.
“Serena, come back to me.”
Only there had been no heartbeat under his hand when he’d held her. There had been nothing, just the sound of the doctor pronouncing her time of death.
When he held Flo in his arms, she was alive. She was here. Serena would want him to live on. She wouldn’t have liked him living as he had been for the last decade.
Serena had been full of life.
She’d lived life to the fullest, just like Flo wanted to, and he’d never called Serena out on what she did. He’d never called her selfish for risking her life. Yet he did that with Flo.
Flo, who had fought so hard for her life.
She deserved to live it the way she wanted, and who was he to get in the way of that.
Because you don’t want to lose Flo the way you lost Serena.
And that was the crux of it.
Only he didn’t think he had much of a shot with Flo any more. Not after the way he’d been treating her, and he wasn’t sure if he was brave enough to let Flo live the life she deserved to live. Maybe it was better for them both that he’d be leaving soon.
* * *
Flo hadn’t seen Nate in three days. At first she’d thought he’d gone back to New York, but she learned from Freya that Nate was still in LA. He seemed to be working the opposite shift from her.
Which was probably for the best.
Maybe if she didn’t see him again it would hurt less when he left for real.
Yet as she stood in her office, staring at the white lab coat neatly folded on the couch—his lab coat, with one of his scrub caps tucked inside—it hurt so much.
She’d thought she’d been in love before, but that wasn’t true. The pain she’d felt after Johnny had left her had been nothing compared to this ache she was feeling.
I have to get out of this office.
She headed up to the ICU floor, where Kyle still was, although he would be moved back down to his suite soon if he kept doing as well as he was. Nate wasn’t anywhere to be found, so Flo walked into Kyle’s room.
Kyle opened his eyes and smiled, but winced just slightly. He was trying to show her that he wasn’t in pain. She’d heard from one of the ICU nurses that he was trying to put on a brave face.
Flo couldn’t help but chuckle. “How are you today, Mr. Francis?”
“I think I’ve told you to call me Kyle.”
Flo nodded. “So you did. So how are you today, Kyle?”
“Sore,” he whispered. “Tired. I don’t think I’ve ever been this tired before in my life.”
“Your body is healing and trying to get used to a new heart and lungs. That’s a big deal.”
“So I’ve heard.” He rolled his head to one side. “How did it go, in your opinion?”
Flo sat down on the end of his bed. “It went as well as I expected. You’re not showing any signs of rejection or any other post-op complications. I think that if you stay stable, tonight we can take you back to your private suite and in a month we’ll have you back on that plane to New York.”
“Oh,” Kyle said, and he looked disappointed.
“I know you wanted to make your debut on Broadway but—”
“No, it’s not that.” Kyle swallowed hard. “I’m terrified, Dr. Chiu. I’m terrified at this gift I’ve been given.”
A lump formed in Flo’s throat. She understood what Kyle was feeling. There were so many times she felt that way, too. It was overwhelming.
“I understand. It’s a gift that you can never send a thank-you note for. The greatest gift of all.”
Kyle nodded. “That’s it exactly. What if something happens...?”
“You can’t live your life with the what-ifs. I lived like that for so many years.” Flo sighed. “I had a kidney transplant at fourteen and I was grateful for my second chance and wanted to live, but I let my fear of life ending at any moment drive me. I felt that if I was going to die I was going to die on my own terms and not let an organ determine when that was going to happen.”
“You’ve had a transplant?”
Flo nodded. “I know how you feel. The weight of having an organ from someone who died, it’s a precious thing and I don’t want you to squander it, Kyle. Live life, but live it to its proper fullest. Don’t push away loved ones because of the off chance that your life might end. I mean, we never know how long our second chance at life will last, but living that second life alone...it’s a life not worth living.”
A tear ran down Kyle’s cheek.
“That’s it exactly. How long can this last?”
Flo shrugged. “I don’t know. There are so many factors, but I think if you take care of yourself and the gift that you’ve been given, you can live a long while yet.”
“Does this fear ever go away?” Kyle asked.
“No,” Flo said. “It never goes away, but if you have someone who loves you and you love them then it makes it all worthwhile.”
“Thanks, Dr. Chiu.”
“Flo, remember?”
Kyle smiled. “Flo. Although I prefer to call you Florence, if you don’t mind. I fell in love with a girl from Florence. She was the love of my life.”
“What happened to her?”
“I let her go. The worst mistake of my life, but maybe Broadway will have to wait a little while yet. I think when I get back on my feet I’ll be heading back to Italy. I want to see if I can track her down in Florence.”
“I wish you all the best, Kyle.” Flo got up and left Kyle’s suite before she started bawling. She wished she hadn’t pushed Nate away.
She wished she could have a second chance and tell Nate how she felt, that she wanted him and that she wouldn’t risk her life in such a way any more.
For so long she’d lived her life saying that she wouldn’t let anyone control her, tell her what she could and couldn’t do, but really that didn’t matter in the long run. What mattered was love.
What mattered was not pushing away those who loved you.
Life was not worth living without love.
* * *
Nate stood in the shadows and watched Flo walk away. Her head hung low and her hands were jammed in her pockets as she walked toward her office. When he’d first met her she’d held her head high and run through these halls with purpose, with drive.
This Flo was just as heartbroken as he was.
He’d come up to check on Kyle before he’d planned on finding Flo. He’d wanted to say goodbye and thank her again, but when he’d come to Kyle’s room in the ICU he’d been shocked to hear her open up to Kyle.
To say the same things he felt about her.
He was scared. He’d been living a life of guilt and fear for so long, but that was no way to live. Flo lived a different fear, but she lived a fear nonetheless.
She just didn’t let it stop her from living. Whereas he had.
He loved Flo and if she forgave him, he would spend the rest of his life making it up to her. So instead of making a stop to see Kyle he chased after Flo.
“Dr. Chiu,” he called out.
She stopped and turned around, surprised to see him. “Dr. King? I thought you’d left for the evening.”
“No, I was working in the research library. Can we talk?”
Flo nodded and he took her arm, leading her to her office. When they were both inside he shut the door.
“I’m sorry, Flo,” he whispered.
“Sorry for what?” she asked.
“Sorry for trying to stop you from living your life.”
“Nate,” she sighed. “You didn’t.”
“I did. I just... When you said you wanted to climb El Capitan I became terrified. I couldn’t lose you, Flo. Not after losing Serena. I couldn’t bear it if I lost you.”
She gasped. “What?”
“I love you, Florence Chiu. I think I loved you from the moment I first met you. I just wouldn’t let myself.”
“You could still lose me, though, Nate.”
He shook his head. “I don’t care. I know the risks, but I don’t care what will happen. I doubt anything will happen to your donor kidney, but if something happens I will be right by your side. I’m not going anywhere. I’m here for the long haul. You breathed life into me again. You saved me.”
“I thought I pushed you away. I’ve pushed away everyone. I thought I had so much to prove with that dumb bucket list, but I have nothing to prove. I let my fear rule my heart.”
Nate took her in his arms and held her close. “I love you, Flo. I’m not going anywhere.”
“I love you, too.”
He tipped her chin and kissed her, holding her tight in his arms. She was alive. She was here and she was his.
A relationship that had started out as a facade, all because the person he used to be, the man he’d thought he’d buried a long time ago, had snuck out and kissed her. When he’d been told that he would have to pretend to be in a relationship with Flo he’d felt nervous, because he’d known that if he spent time with her he’d fall for her.
In her he saw who he used to be.
And he missed who he used to be.
With her, he could be so much more and he planned to never let her go.
Flo laid her head against his chest and sighed. “So what happens now? A long-distance relationship?”
“No, I think I’ll be moving to LA. James offered me a job.”
“Oh, he did?”
Nate nodded. “Also, I could really use a vacation.”
“Vacation? I don’t know the meaning of that word.”
“I think you should learn. I think we both need a two-week vacation once Kyle is stabilized. I think we should accompany him to New York City, get him settled and my stuff dealt with, and then drive back out here. What do you think?”
“Drive across country?”
He nodded. “It was on your bucket list.”
Flo groaned. “Don’t even talk to me about that bucket list. It’s done. It was for someone who thought she was dying. I have time.”
“How about an anti-bucket list.”
“What’s an anti-bucket list?”
“A list of things we do while we live.”
Flo chuckled. “I like that idea much better. That’s better than my bucket list. You’re better than my bucket list.”
And then she kissed him again and this time he didn’t let her go.