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Lola
The rally was fun but now that we’re back, I’m a little unsettled. Blade has been busy with club stuff and there have been a few nights that he didn’t come to bed. It makes me wonder if what we had at the rally really mattered to him or if I was just an easy piece of ass. Because let’s be honest, I didn’t push him away. I was easy but I thought what I was feeling he was too. I stroll through the club after working a long shift at the club down the road that Blade got me into. I didn’t realize prancing around in those fucking hooker heels all night would hurt so much. Serving drinks is better than dancing any day of the week but the shoes they want me to wear are fucking killers. Holding onto the bar, I reach down and remove my heels and let out a sigh. My feet are killing me! I notice the changes in my body and those don’t help either. My breasts are heavier, fuller and my senses just seem off.
As I walk through the mostly silent clubhouse heading toward Blade’s room, I hear noise coming from the office to the left. I tiptoe over there and listen quietly at the door.
“Goddamn it, Shimmer! That fuckin’ hurt!” That’s Blade’s voice but who the fuck is Shimmer? Sounds like a hooker.
“Stop being a baby. You know you like the pain,” she purrs, making my stomach roll. He wouldn’t do that. He wouldn’t fuck someone behind my back. Would he? Is this why he hasn’t been coming to bed? He’s been with some other girl? Bile races up my throat but I force it back down and listen.
“Fuck! Goddamn, Shimmer,” he growls and I gasp.
“Take it like a fucking man, Blade. Let me finish!” The girl’s voice snaps back at him. I can’t do this. Tears prickle my eyes and my heart races. I turn and run toward the room, but slam into someone on the way. Large hands come up to my shoulders, steadying me. I look up through the tears and see Neo staring back at me, wonder in his eyes.
“You okay?”
I open my mouth but words don’t form. Am I okay? I don’t know what I feel. I don’t know anything anymore. This pregnancy has me overly emotional and I don’t like it. Neo must see the hurt in my eyes as he pulls me into his chest. His hand runs down my back soothingly as he whispers, “Whatever it is, it will be okay. You’re safe here.”
Am I? Physically yes, but emotionally Blade just ripped my fucking heart out of my chest. I didn’t realize how much I was growing to count on him and how emotionally invested in him I had become. Rather than answer, I shove out of Neo’s arms and push past him, running toward Blade’s room with Diablo right behind me. Throwing the door closed behind me, I drop onto the bed and cry. How have I let my life get fucked up this way? Why can I never find something good to hold onto? Staying here was a mistake, but I have nowhere else to go. What the hell do I do now? I sit up and pull my shirt off and toss it to the floor before moving to my skirt next. When I’m in only a bra and panties, I climb under the blanket and curl up. Diablo climbs up next to me, snuggling closely. Tears keep falling as I slowly slip into sleep.
I don’t know how long I’ve been sleeping when I feel the bed dip and Blade climb in behind me. I pretend to be asleep not wanting to talk to him right now.
“Babe, you awake?”
His fingers move over the skin on my back. The way he touches me ignites a fire that I have to suppress. I can’t give into him, not anymore. Not after hearing him in that office with some other girl. I have to have some kind of dignity and respect for myself. I press my eyes closed tighter as his fingers keep moving. I will my body to not respond. Blade moves, shifting closer to me. He wraps his strong arm around my body and tugs me against him. His warmth swallows me, creating a false sense of security, and I find myself holding back more tears.
“I don’t know what you’re doin’ to me. I don’t know why I like havin’ you so close to me, but I do. I don’t know that I can let you go when you decide to walk away from me.”
As he whispers the words into my hair, my heart breaks a little more. I thought I felt the same way. I thought what we had was special, but I should have known better than to fall for him. I was nothing more than a warm place for him to stick his cock, and as much as I’d like to roll over and tell him that, I don’t. I keep it inside, and I know when I do explode, I’ll feel sorry for him.
Restlessness eats away at me long into the night after Blade falls asleep. I watch the numbers on the clock as they tick by one by one. I know I can’t stay here forever but where can I go? Maybe just until I get enough money to find a place of my own and figure out what to do with my life and the one growing inside of me. I could avoid Blade. I could work extra hours and come in late - hell I could even sleep on the couch out in the main room if it meant not having to be this close to him. As he pulls me in closer, I shift a little, trying to get out from under his grasp.
“Mine,” he mumbles in his sleep, his grasp not relenting.
Resigned, I sigh and let him hold me if only for tonight. It’ll be the last night, I can assure you of that. I’m not his, and after what I heard happening in that office, I most certainly don’t want to be. The thought alone hurts but I know deep down that this would never work. I don’t know him at all, if we’re being truthful. Hell I don’t even know myself most days.
