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My eyes popped open, and I swept out a hand, automatically searching for Jules. The sheets were cold, and I propped myself on an elbow as I scrubbed the last vestiges of sleep from my eyes.
I hadn’t meant to fall asleep. I wanted only to give her a little bit of space, but the sheer exhaustion of the past couple weeks had apparently caught up to me. I glanced at the clock on the nightstand, its digital red numbers glowing in the darkness. I’d only been out for about two hours, but it was too long without having her next to me.
Throwing aside the covers, I slipped from the bed. A pair of black sweats lay discarded on the chair in the corner, and I hastily stepped into them. The lights were all off downstairs, but moonlight streamed in through the floor-to-ceiling windows that spanned the back wall of the cabin. My heart clenched, and I paused on the landing at the top of the stairs as my gaze landed on Jules. Knees drawn up to her chest, she was huddled in a small ball on the floor, staring sightlessly out the window. She didn’t acknowledge my presence as I quietly descended the stairs and moved closer. She remained silent, and I took a seat next to her, resting my forearms on my knees.
For several long minutes, we sat there together, just staring out the window. I turned my gaze to her, studying the pretty profile of her face. Long dark curls had tumbled forward, and I swept them back over her shoulder. She flinched at my touch, and her chin dropped to her chest. I snatched my hand away and replaced it in my lap, my fingers curling into a tight fist. The sound of my heart hitting the floor was deafening to my own ears, and I wondered if she could hear it shatter in the silence.
I swallowed hard and pretended like her rejection hadn’t just gutted me. I’d seen the evidence of the abuse all over her tiny body, and it sent rage curling through me once more, hot and volatile. I had no idea what she’d endured during her time with him, and I had no idea how to make it right. She’d been different over the past week, wary and closed off. Something inside her head had changed, and I had to face the fact that whatever I did might not be enough. She might very well walk away from me. After everything we’d been through, I might still lose her. The thought terrified me, but I had to do what was best for Jules.
“Can’t sleep?” I finally ventured. She gave her head a little shake but didn’t speak. I’d seen cases like this before, and the internal damage was often so much worse than the wounds inflicted on the outside.
“Do you want me to get your medicine? I—”
Another shake of her head cut me off. “It’s not that.”
Hope caused my breath to suspend in my lungs. There was an interminable silence before she spoke again. “How did you know?”
I tipped my head to one side. “How did I know how to find you?” I clarified.
Her eyes stared straight forward, but her head moved in a jerky nod. I drew in a deep breath. “Right after you moved in with me, we had a discussion about the Tavern. Remember that?” She didn’t bother to respond to my rhetorical question, so I continued. “I grew up in Chicago, and I had this gut feeling that you had too. I still have friends there, and I asked a contact with the bureau to find any information on you that he could. That’s how I found out about your dad.”
My voice cracked a little bit as memories washed over me, but I pushed them down. “I knew that’s where you had to be.”
A tear slipped down her cheek. “Why did you come after me?”
“Because I love you,” I said baldly. “There isn’t a single thing that I wouldn’t do for you. I’d have burned the world down to bring you home if I had to.”
More tears squeezed from her eyes, and she dropped her forehead to rest on her knees. I scooted behind her and swung my right leg around her, then eased her into the vee of my legs. She turned slightly, and I wrapped my arms around her as she curled into my chest. I gently rubbed her back while she cried, each sob cutting through me like a knife. She turned her head into my neck, and I stroked one hand over the silky locks of her hair until she finally quieted.
“I feel dirty. Broken.”
The pain in her voice caused my heart to constrict, and I clenched my jaw so tight my molars ground together. God, I wanted to kill Capaldi all over again for what he’d done to her. She moved as if to shift away, and I tightened my hold on her. I couldn’t help wanting her close to me, and though I wanted her to feel comfortable and safe, neither could I find it in me to give her the space she was begging for.
“You are stronger than anyone I know. Half the men and women I went to the Academy with couldn’t have done what you did. You trusted him, and he...” I broke off, emotion choking my voice. “You didn’t deserve any of that. You’re not broken, baby. You’re absolutely amazing.”
I cuddled her closer and pressed my cheek to the top of her head. For nearly a moment, neither of us spoke. “I’ll understand if you don’t want to tell me what happened.”
The marks on her body told a story of their own anyway, and I could put the pieces together well enough. She sniffled but remained quiet, and I drew in a deep breath.
“Just know that if you ever need anything”—my voice faltered as tears burned the backs of my eyes—“you can always talk to me. Wherever you are, whatever you do, I’ll always be here for you.”
Another sob tore from her throat, and I pressed my lips to the top of my head as I clenched my eyes closed and steeled my heart. Though I wasn’t nearly ready to let her go, this felt like goodbye. I would never tether her to me against her wishes. I would respect whatever she chose to do, no matter how badly it hurt. She’d already been through so much; letting her go, allowing her to be free, was the least I could do. I just had to hope and pray that one day she would find her way back to me, because my heart would remain with her forever.
Time slipped away as we sat huddled on the cold floor, wrapped in each other’s arms. Ten minutes, an hour—I wasn’t sure how much time had passed. I couldn’t let her go. If this was the last time I ever got to feel her in my arms, I was going to commit every second to memory.