Morphia
The man stirred uneasily, and a faint moan came from his lips. A numbness seemed to envelop his body from the waist downwards, and in the intervals of a stabbing pain in his head, he seemed to hear people whispering near by. A figure passed close to him, the figure of a girl with fair hair, in a grey dress – the figure of a girl like Molly. A red-hot iron stabbed his brain; his teeth clenched on his lips; he fought with all his will, but once again he moaned; he couldn’t help it – it was involuntary. The girl stopped and came towards him, for he heard her voice. But what was she saying? Why did she speak so indistinctly? Why – ah, but her hand on his forehead was cool. It seemed to quiet those raging devils in his head; it helped him, as Molly always helped him. It seemed to – why, surely, it must be Molly herself, with her dear, soft touch, and her lips ready to kiss, and the sweet smell of her hair mounting to his brain like wine. Something pricked his arm: something that felt like the needle of a syringe; something that… But anyway, what the deuce was she doing? Then suddenly he recalled that pin at the back of her dress, where he’d pricked his wrist so badly the first time he’d kissed her.
He laughed gently at the remembrance; and the hand on his forehead trembled. For laughter to be a pleasant thing to hear it is essential that the person who laughs should be in full possession of – well, it is better, at any rate, that his head should not have been hit by a bomb, especially if it was his lower jaw that bore the brunt.
“What are you trembling for, Molly?” The voice was tender. “The pain has quite gone – I must have had a touch of the sun.”
But for a question to be answered it must be audible; and the girl whose hand was on his forehead heard no words. Merely was there a great and wonderful pity in her eyes, for the remnant – the torn-up remnant – who had fought and suffered for her. And the remnant, well, he was way back in the Land of Has-been. Did I not say that the pin was at the back of Molly’s waist?
The woods were just at their best, with the glorious yellow and brown of early autumn, touched with the gold of the setting sun. In a clearing a boy was sitting on a fallen tree trunk, puffing furiously at a cigarette. Twice had the smoke gone the wrong way, and once had it got into his eyes; but when one is aged sixteen such trifles are merely there to be overcome. The annoying thing was that he was still engaged in absorbing the overflowing moisture from his eyes, with a handkerchief of doubtful cleanliness, when a girl came into the glade and started to laugh.
“There’s no good pretending, Billy. The smoke has got into your eyes, and your handkerchief is dirty, and you aren’t impressing me in the slightest.”
“Hallo, Molly! I wasn’t expecting you so soon.” The smoker looked a little sheepish.
“Indeed! Then if I’m not wanted, I’ll go away again.”
“No, no, Molly – don’t do that.” The boy rose eagerly, and went towards her. Then he stopped awkwardly, and putting his hands in his pockets, fidgeted with his feet.
“Well – why not?” The girl smiled provokingly. “And what are you hopping about for? Are you going to try to learn to dance, as I suggested?”
“I will if you will teach me, Molly – dear.” He took a step forward eagerly – and then paused again, aghast at the audacity of that “dear.” Something in the cool, fresh young girl standing so easily in front of him, smiling with faint derision, seemed to knock on the head all that carefully thought out plan which had matured in his mind during the silent watches of the previous night. It had all seemed so easy then. Johnson major’s philosophy on life in general and girls in particular was one thing in the abstract, and quite another when viewed in the concrete, with a real, live specimen to practise on. And yet Johnson major was a man of much experience – and a prefect of some standing at school.
“My dear fellows,” he had said on one occasion when holding the floor in his study, “I don’t want to brag, and we do not speak about these things.” The accent on the we had been wonderful. It implied membership of that great body of youthful daredevils to whom the wiles of women present no terrors. “But women, my dear fellows, why – good lord, there’s nothing in it when one knows the way to manage them. They adore being kissed – provided it’s done the right way. And if you don’t know the right way instinctively, it comes with practice, old boy, it comes with practice.” Billy had listened in awe, though preserving sufficient presence of mind to agree with the speaker in words of suitable nonchalance.
Of course, Johnson major must have been right; but, devil take it, there seemed remarkably little instinct available at the present moment; and up to date in Billy’s career, practice in the proper procedure had been conspicuous by its absence.
“I think you’re rather dull today.” The girl was speaking again, and there was more than a hint of laughter in her voice. “What’s the matter with you? Has the cigarette made you feel sick?”
“Certainly not. I – er – oh, Molly, I–”
The desperate words trembled on his lips – trembled and died away under the laughter in her eyes.
“Yes?” she murmured inquiringly. “What is it, Billy?”
Oh, woman, woman! Just sixteen, but at two you have learned the beginnings of the book of Eve.
“I – er – I – oh, dash it, let’s go for a walk!” With a gasp of relief he swung on his heel; the fatal plunge had been put off for a little; he hadn’t made a fool of himself – yet, at any rate. “Do you mind if I smoke?”
“Not if you don’t.” The girl was walking demurely beside him, down the narrow lane carpeted with its first layers of auburn brown. “Are you sure it’s wise? Two so close together might not be good for you.”
Two close together – not good for him! Absurd; it was nothing to what he was accustomed to, and yet – why, his head was throbbing, throbbing as he looked at the girl beside him? What was that distant noise like the slow beating of a mighty drum, that seemed to quiver and vibrate in the air till it filled his brain with a great rush of sound, and then sobbed away into silence? What was the matter with his right hand that it burned and twitched so ceaselessly? Surely he hadn’t burnt himself with the cigarette! He looked down to see, but somehow things were indistinct. It almost seemed as if he hadn’t got a hand; the woods were hazy – Molly seemed far away. In her place was a man, a man with a stubby growth on his chin, a man who bent over him and muttered something.
“Gawd, Ginger, the poor devil ain’t dead neither! Lift him up carefully. There’s his right arm over there, and his back – Oh, my gawd! Poor devil!”
Thus had the battalion stretcher-bearers found him the day before…
The man became irritable.
“Go away at once! Can’t you see I’m with a lady. Molly, dear, where are you? What is this dirty-looking fellow doing here at all?”
But Molly for the moment seemed aloof. He saw her there, standing in the path in front of him – so close and yet somehow so curiously far away.
“Molly, do you hear that noise – that strange beating in the air? I think I’m going to be ill. Perhaps two close together are too much.”
But no – apparently not. Suddenly everything was clear again, and there was Molly with the autumn wind blowing the soft tendrils of hair back from the nape of her neck; Molly, with the skirt that betokens the halfway period between flapperhood and coming out; Molly, with her lithe young figure half turned from him as she watched the sun sinking over the distant hills.
“They adore being kissed.” The words of the wonderful Johnson major were ringing in his brain as he watched her, and suddenly something surged up within him. What matter rules and theories? What matter practice? There is only one way to kiss a girl, and rules and theories avail not one jot. With a quick step he had her in his arms, and, with his pulses hammering with the wonder of it, he watched her face come round to his. He kissed her cheek, her eyes, her mouth – shyly at first, and then with gathering confidence as a boy should kiss a girl.
The sweetness of it, the newness of it, the eternal joy of a woman in a man’s arms for the first time! Surely it had never been quite like that with anyone else before. Of course, other people kissed, but – this was different. Suddenly the girl disengaged her arms and wound them gently round his neck. She pulled his head towards her, and kissed him again and again, while he felt her heart beating against his coat.
“Billy, my dear!”
Almost he missed the whispered words coming faintly from somewhere in the neighbourhood of his tie.
“Molly – Molly, darling – I love you!”
The boy’s voice was shaky, his grip almost crushed her.
“Do you, Billy? I’m so glad! I want you to love me, because – because–”
She looked at him shyly.
“Say it, sweetheart, say it.” He held her at arm’s-length – no longer bashful, no longer wondering whether he dared; but insistent, imperious, a young god for the moment. “Because what?”
“Because I love you too, you darling!”
Once again she was in his arms, once again did time cease, while the lengthening shadows stole softly towards them; and a squirrel, emboldened by their stillness, watched for a while with indulgent eyes.
At last the girl turned gently away, and the boy’s arms fell to his side.
“Molly, you’ve got a pin in your waistband. Look, you’ve pricked my wrist.”
“Billy, my dear, let me do it up. Why didn’t you tell me, you poor old boy?”
“I didn’t notice it, I didn’t even feel it, you darling.”
The boy laughed gladly as she bound his handkerchief round the wounded arm; and, bending forward, kissed her neck, just where the hair left it, just where – but what had happened? Where was she? She had gone, the trees had gone, the sun had set, and it was dark, terribly dark.
Once again that mighty drum beat close by, and voices came dimly through a haze to the man’s brain. Someone was touching him, a finger was probing gently over his head, a sentence came to him as if from a vast distance.
“Good God! Poor devil! If we have to go we must leave him. Any movement would kill him at once.”
“I won’t have you touching the bandage that Molly put on!” said the man angrily. “My wrist will be quite all right; it’s absurd to make a fuss about a pin-prick.”
And perhaps because there are sounds to which no man can listen unmoved, the quiet-faced doctor drew out his hypodermic syringe. The girl with the grey dress, her steps lagging a little with utter physical weariness, paused at the foot of the bed, and waited with an encouraging smile.
“Molly,” he cried eagerly, “come and talk to me! I’ve been dreaming about you.”
But she merely continued to smile at him, though in her eyes there was the sadness of a divine pity. Then once again something pricked his arm. A great silence seemed to come down on him like a pall, a silence that was tangible, in which strange faces passed before him in a jumbled procession. They seemed to swing past like fishes drifting across the glass window of an aquarium – ghostly, mysterious, and yet very real. A man in a dirty grey uniform, with a bloodstained bandage round his forehead, who leered at him; Chilcote, his company commander, who seemed to be shouting and cheering and waving his arm; a sergeant of his platoon, with a grim smile on his face, who held a rifle with a fixed bayonet that dripped.
“All right, Chilcote,” he shouted, “we’ll have the swine out in a minute!”
But Chilcote had gone, and through the silence came a muffled roar.
“The drum again!” he muttered irritably. “What the devil is the good of trying to surprise the Huns if we have the band with us! You don’t want a band when you’re attacking a village! A band is for marching to, and dancing, not for fighting.” Of course, if it was going to continue playing, they might just as well have a dance, and be done with it. He laughed a little. “You’ve had too much champagne for supper, my boy,” he soliloquised. “What do you mean by ‘might as well have a dance’? Can’t you see that awe-inspiring gentleman in the red coat is on the point of striking up now?” He looked across the room, a room that seemed a trifle hazy, and thought hard. Surely he hadn’t had too much to drink, and yet the people were so vague and unreal? And why the deuce did a ballroom band have a big drum? He gave it up after a moment, and silently watched the scene.
He remembered now quite clearly, and with an amused laugh at his momentary forgetfulness, he looked at his programme. The third supper extra was just beginning, and two dances after that he had four in succession with Molly – the fateful hour when he had determined to try his luck.
At present she was having supper with a nasty-looking man, with long hair and an eyeglass, who was reputed to be a rising politician, in the running for an under-secretaryship, and was also reputed to be in love with Molly. He looked savagely round the room, and, having failed to discover them, he strolled to the bar to get a drink.
“Hallo, Billy; not dancing? She loves me; she loves me not! Cheer up, dearie!”
An inane-looking ass raised his whisky-and-soda to his lips with a fatuous cackle.
“I wonder they don’t have a home for people like you, Jackson,” remarked Billy curtly. “Whisky-and-soda, please.”
He gave his order to the waiter and lit a cigarette. He hardly knew what the irrepressible Jackson was saying, but allowed him to babble on in peace while his thoughts centred on Molly. How absolutely sweet she was looking in that shimmering, gauzy stuff that just went with her hair, and showed off her figure to perfection! If only she said “yes,” he’d arrange the party going back in the cars so that he got her alone in the two-seater. If only – good lord, would the dance never come?
He looked up, and saw her passing into the ballroom with her supper partner; and, as he did so, she looked half round and caught his eye. Just a second, no more; but on her lips had trembled the faintest suspicion of a smile – a smile that caused his heart to beat madly with hope, a smile that said things. He sat back in his chair and the hand that held his glass trembled a little.
“I don’t believe you’ve been listening to me, Billy.” The egregious Jackson emitted a plaintive wail. “I don’t believe you’ve heard a word I said!”
“Perfectly correct in both statements, dear boy!” Billy rose abruptly to his feet and smacked him on the back. “One must give up something in Lent, you know.”
“But it isn’t Lent.” Jackson looked aggrieved. “And you’ve made me spill my drink.”
But he spoke to the empty air and a melancholy waiter, for Billy was back in the ballroom, waiting…
“You smiled at me, lady, a while ago,” he said softly in her ear, as they swung gently through the crowded room. “I thought it was a smile that said things. Was thy servant very presumptuous in thus reading his queen’s glance? Confound you, sir; that’s my back!”
He glared furiously at a bull-necked thruster in a pink coat.
“Hush, Billy!” laughed the girl, as they lost him in the crowd. “That’s our master!”
“I don’t care a hang who he is, but he’s rammed one of my brace-buttons into my spine! He’s the sort of man who knocks you down and tramples on your face, after supper!”
For a few moments they continued in silence, perhaps the two best dancers in the room, and gradually she seemed to come closer to him, to give herself entirely up to him, until, as in a dream, they moved like one being and the music softly died away. For a moment the man stood still, pressing the girl close to him, and then, with a slight sigh that was almost one of pain, he let her go.
“Are you glad I taught you to dance?” she asked laughingly; while the room shouted for an encore.
“Glad,” he whispered, “glad! Ah, my dear, my dear, to dance with you is the nearest approach to heaven that we poor mortals may have! For all that” – he steered her swiftly through the expectant couples towards a door covered with a curtain – “I want an answer to a question I asked you just before my spine was broken!” He held up the curtain for her to pass through, and piloted her to an easy chair hidden behind some screens in a discreetly lighted room. “Did your smile say things, my dear? Did you tell me something as you went into the ballroom with that long-haired lawyer?”
“My dear boy, I wasn’t smiling at you! I was smiling at that nice Mr Jackson man.”
“Molly, you’re a liar! You know you hate that ass; as you told me yourself yesterday!”
“All the more reason to smile at him. Billy, give me a cigarette.” She leaned towards him slightly as he offered her his case, and their eyes met. Her breath came a little quicker as she read the message blazing out of his, and then she looked away again. “And a match, please,” she continued quietly.
“Confound the match and the cigarette, too!” His voice was shaking. “Molly, Molly, I know I’m mad! I know it’s just the height of idiocy from a so-called worldly point of view, but I can’t help it. I’ve tried and struggled; I’ve been away for two years and haven’t seen you. But oh, my dear, the kisses you gave me when you were a flapper, before you came out, before your mother got this bee in her bonnet about some big marriage for you – those kisses are still burning my lips! I can feel them now, princess, and the remembrance of ’em drives me mad! I know I’m asking you to chuck your mother’s ambitions; I know I’ve got nothing to offer you, except the old name, which don’t count for much these days. But, oh, my beloved, I just worship the very ground you walk on! Is there just a chance for me? I’d simply slave for you, if you’d let me!”
Through the closed door came stealing the soft music of a waltz, while from another corner came the sound of a whispered tête-à-tête. Very still was the girl as she sat in the big armchair with the man pleading passionately at her side. Once she caught her breath quickly when he recalled the time gone by – the time before her mother’s political ambitions had ruthlessly waged war on her, and done their best to drive nature out of her outlook on life; and, when he had finished speaking, she gave a little tired smile.
“Billy boy,” she whispered, “is that how you’ve felt about it all this while?”
He made no answer, but, stretching out his hands, he took hold of her two wrists.
“You’ve really remembered those kisses when we were kids?” she went on softly.
“Remembered them? Dear heavens, my darling, I wouldn’t lose that remembrance for untold wealth! It’s been with me in Alaska; it’s been with me in Hong-Kong. I’ve woken up at nights with the feel of your lips on mine, and all the glory of you, and the sweetness; and it’s helped me on when everything was black, and made things bright when the world was rotten!” With a bitter sigh he took his hands away and sat back in his chair. “And I’ve failed! Jove! the wild schemes and the plans, the golden visions and the El Dorados – all failed. Just a little money, just enough to have a burst in England, just enough to be able to see you. And then it slipped out. My dear, I never meant to before I came to the Towers. I knew you were there, but I never meant to ask you. Wash it out, my princess; wash it out! I haven’t said a word. You’ve been teaching me a new step; let’s go back and dance. I’ve been mad this evening, and, unless we go back and dance, I can’t guarantee remaining sane!”
But the girl made no move. With parted lips she swayed towards him, while he watched her, with the veins standing out on his forehead. “Billy – I don’t care; I’m mad, too!” The scent she used was mounting to his brain – the nearness of her was driving him mad.
“Molly, get back to that ballroom; get back quick, or–” He spoke through his clenched teeth.
“Or what, Billy boy?” She smiled deliciously.
And then he kissed her; a kiss that seemed to draw her soul to her lips; a kiss that lifted him until he travelled through endless spaces in a great aching void where time and distance ceased, and nothing happened save a wonderful ecstasy, and ever and anon the mighty booming of a giant drum.
He seemed to be treading on air, and though the ballroom had vanished, and the discreet apartment with shaded lights had faded away, yet he was very conscious of the nearness of his girl. But just now, he could not see her – she eluded him, leaving an ever-present feeling that she would be waiting for him round the next of those intangible masses he seemed to be drifting through.
“You don’t mind waiting, my princess?” he murmured ceaselessly. “After this war it will all come right. Just now I’ve got to go – I must go out there; but afterwards, it will all come right – and we’ll live in a house in the country and grow cabbages and pigs. You’ll wait, you say? Ah! my dear, my dear; it’s sweet of you; but perhaps you ought to have married the lawyer man. You might have been Mrs Prime Minister one of these days.”
For a while the tired brain refused to act; the man felt himself falling into unplumbed depths – depths which echoed with monstrous reverberations.
“Molly, where are you, dear? It’s cold, and my head is throbbing to beat the band. If only that cursed drum would stop! Do you hear it echoing through the air? And the noise hurts – hurts like hell, Molly. Ah! Heaven, but it’s cold; and I can’t see you, beloved; I don’t know where you are.”
Once again he became conscious of figures moving around him. They seemed to be carrying motionless men past his feet – men on stretchers covered with blankets. With staring eyes he watched the proceeding, trying to understand what was happening. In front of him was a window in which the glass had been smashed, leaving great jagged pieces sticking out from the sides of the frame. He wondered vaguely why it had been left in such a dangerous condition; when he and Molly had their house such a thing would never be allowed to happen – if it did it would be mended at once. He asked one of the passing figures what had caused the damage, and when he got no answer he angrily repeated the question.
He fretted irritably because no one seemed to take any notice of him, and suddenly his head began throbbing worse than ever. But the hazy indistinctness was gone; the man was acutely conscious of everything around him. Memory had come back, and he knew where he was and why he was there. He remembered the fierce artillery bombardment; he recalled getting over the parapet, out on to the brown shell-pocked earth, sodden and heavy with the drenching rain; he recalled the steady shamble over the ground with boots so coated with wet mud that they seemed to drag him back. Then clear in his mind came the picture of Chilcote cheering, shouting, lifting them on to the ruins of what once had been a village; he saw Chilcote falter, stop, and, with a curious spinning movement, crash forward on to his face; he saw the Germans – he saw fierce-faced men like animals at bay, snarling, fighting; he heard once again that trembling cry of “Kamarade”; and then – a blank. The amazing thing was that it was all jumbled up with Molly. He seemed to have been with her lately – and yet she couldn’t have been out there with him. He puzzled a bit, and then gave it up: it hurt his head so terribly to think. He just lay still, gazing fixedly at the jagged, torn pane of glass…
“They are all out, doctor, except this one.”
A woman was speaking close beside him, and his eyes slowly travelled in the direction of the voice. It was another woman – a woman he hadn’t seen before – swaying slightly as if she would drop.
“Good heavens! it’s Billy Saunders!”
A man in khaki was bending over him – a man whom he recognised as a civilian doctor he’d known at home – a man, moreover, who knew Molly.
“Do you know me, old chap?”
“Of course,” answered the man. “What’s all the trouble?”
The doctor bit his lip, and the man noticed his hand clench hard. Then there started a low-voiced conversation to which he listened attentively – his hearing seemed abnormally acute.
“Has he spoken since he’s been in, sister?”
“No – only those dreadful moans. The whole of his face – absolutely hopeless – spinal cord.”
The man lying motionless caught the disjointed words. What did they mean? They were mad – insane. Dying? He – Billy Saunders! What about Molly – his Molly? What about… Gentle fingers once again touched his head, and, looking up, he saw the doctor’s eyes fixed on his.
“They’re shelling the hospital, dear old man; we’ve got to get – Great Scott, look out!”
Like the moan of a giant insect, the shrill whine came through the air, rising to an overwhelming scream. There was a deafening crash – a great hole was torn in the wall just by the window with the jagged pane, and the room filled with stifling black fumes. A sudden agonising stab, and the man, looking up, saw Molly in front of him. She was standing in the acrid smoke – beckoning.
“I’m coming, dear, I’m coming!” he cried; “it’s good of you to have waited, girl of mine – so good.”
“Are you hurt, sister?” The doctor, who had been crouching by the bed, stood up.
“Not touched, thank you.” She was white and shaking. “Did you hear the bits whizzing through the room?”
“I did,” remarked the doctor grimly, holding out an arm from which the blood already dripped. “And I felt one of them too. But there’s no time to lose – I don’t know what to do about him, poor old chap.”
He turned once again to the bed, and even as he turned he knew the decision had been made for him: and he thanked the Maker. Billy Saunders had also felt a bit – a jagged bit – through the heart.