The work day rushes by, breathless. The sun is an eye in the sky. I am certain I am being watched. Monitor Ng seems to linger closer to me, her gaze a physical, heavy thing. But somehow I make it to the horn undetected.
Ceres and I walk home, and I am not the least bit fatigued. My blood is lava, my muscles are wires stretched taut.
To make it seem plausible that Ceres and I ran away, we are taking some canned food, water, and warm clothes with us. I have everything in a cloth bag, ready to go, hours before we leave.
I glance at Ceres, but she busies herself with washing our dinner dishes. I go to her and hold out my hand but she shakes her head; she will not let me help.
Leaning against the counter, I study her profile. “Are you angry? At me?”
She continues scrubbing the plate. “N-no. Y-you’re keeping us...s-safe.”
But there is no time to discuss it—the TV blares on. Eight o’clock. It’s time to leave.
Ceres sets the dishes down and wipes her hands. I pick up the bag; we close the front door behind us as if it is any other day, as if the world is not tilting on its very axis. We walk past Shale’s wopung—the light from the lampposts turning everything a silver-purple—but it is empty. I wonder where he is, what he is doing to ease the pain. Ceres refuses to talk about him, about the fact that we are leaving him behind. Perhaps it’s easier for her this way.
The world feels especially still and silent tonight, as though we are encased in a picture frame, motionless. The moon is a button in the sky, flat and white. There is not a hint of a Monitor anywhere. Does Elara’s reach extend this far? Has she somehow ensured us safe passage, from our compound to hers? Perhaps it is simply my imagination.
When we arrive at the depot, Trigger stands waiting for us. His face is kind, sympathetic. But he remains silent, and I am thankful for this. Once Ceres and I have boarded the truck and climbed into our usual crate, the last of my resolve breaks. I grab Trigger’s sleeve before he can close the false front. “Where is Shale?”
"He's keeping away." Trigger sighs. "But he told me to tell you he...he loves you."
I swallow the aching lump in my throat and sit in the darkness with Ceres. We clasp our hands between us. There is nothing to say.
◊ ◊ ◊
When the false front opens again, I realize I have been asleep. Just another way pregnancy has taken me by surprise: even when I am anxious and heartbroken, even when my entire world is collapsing in on itself, my body can somehow manage to sleep. I start awake, sit up, and blink at the sudden brightness. Ceres cowers against my side.
A New Amanian man looks in on us, unsmiling. “Come on out.”
My muscles are stiff as I stand and walk to the open trailer door behind him. I climb down, look around, but there is no sign of Trigger. My heart hurts at the fact that I didn’t get to say goodbye.
When Ceres has climbed down, too, I hear a familiar voice say, "Welcome."
Elara. She stands in the depot, a few feet away. I wouldn’t have recognized her if she hadn’t spoken, unmasked and devoid of her usual fancy dresses. She looks odd to me in the wool tunic and pants, the gray drab and making her look older. I notice with detached interest that there is a small mole above her eyebrow, diamond-shaped. It is odd Shale doesn’t know this about her when I do, I think numbly. This is the start of our separate lives here, the moment when everything cleaves in two. I’m officially leaving him behind.
Ceres presses into me, her eyes wide. It is bright here, exceptionally bright, so unlike the small, dingy depot where the truck was kept on the other compound. This one bustles with activity and noise.
"A little different than what you're used to, I'm sure." Elara looks around with a smile, and I realize there is pride in her voice. She beams at Ceres. "Are you ready to see your room?"
Ceres looks at her blankly. "R-room?"
"Yes. You get your own room. You can decorate it as you please. We'll get you materials from the black market if you'd like."
Is it my imagination or does Ceres brighten at the mention of her own space? She looks at Elara with a renewed interest. Children are resilient. The difference between Ceres and me is striking—I am clinging to the past, and she is already letting go, looking toward the future.
We follow Elara to a big silver vehicle that looks like a cross between a van and a car. We get in the back with her. A short woman sits in the driver’s seat and she gives us a small smile. “This is my trusted driver,” Elara says.
The driver glances briefly at us in the rearview mirror and then back out at the road, as if she’s forgotten about us already. Ceres sits wedged between Elara and me as she takes in the interior of the vehicle with large, bright eyes.
Elara touches her lightly on the elbow. "Would you like to go to school, Ceres?"
Ceres gapes. "S-school?"
"Yes. We have a teacher here who gathers the children in the compound and teaches them basic skills—mathematics, reading, some New Amanian policy. All the things you've missed out on while you were in the Asylum." Elara's eyes darken. "You don't ever have to worry about that now. You're safe."
Ceres moves closer to me so her skin takes warmth from mine. Elara's eyes move to mine. "The obstetrician has been informed of your arrival. We'll get you taken care of just as soon as you've settled in."
"Thank you." I turn and look out the window, at buildings and cars flying by. The compound isn’t big by Ursa's standards, but it is rather large compared to our small agrarian compound. It's a mini-city, all on its own, like an island in the middle of hostile China. "What does the Chinese government make of this place?" I ask after a moment.
"This is one of the bigger compounds, ostensibly dedicated to New Amanian leadership. Since our governments are working together to clean New Amana, we get better facilities than other immigrants." Elara says this without a hint of remorse or irony.
"And what do you do instead of working in the fields?"
"We have meetings." There is a hint of a smile about her mouth. "Meetings about fugitives, meetings about which ships are coming when, meetings about meetings."
I wonder if she is joking, but she doesn't seem to be. Resentment simmers inside me. While Shale is rebuilding a wall with cracked and bleeding hands and gunshot wounds that don't have a chance to heal all the way, Elara sits indoors and has meetings.
My chest squeezes so tight I feel I cannot breathe, simply at the thought of Shale. What is he doing now? But I shove the thought away, lock it tight in that part of my brain I’ve decided will store those memories most cherished and too painful to think about.
The vehicle drives up a small hill and pulls up to a sprawling brick house. It is like nothing I've seen before—a house much too big for only three people. Outside it is bordered by swaths of lawn, well-kept and manicured, though the grass is dormant in winter.
Once we pile out of the vehicle, the driver pulls away without a word.
"Welcome," Elara says, striding up confidently to the front door. It swings open and we step into the warm interior. "You're home now."
Elara shows us all the rooms; the expansive kitchen where the food is fresh even though this isn’t an agrarian compound, the living room with windows that face the front lawn and a TV set that plays more than just the nightly reading from the Book of Laws, a small extra room which she calls her "library" and where she says she has meetings occasionally, and a bedroom that has been set up for Ceres. There is a bed with flowers on the headboard and a small desk and chair. I dig deep inside to find a hint of gratitude for Elara trying to make this place welcoming for my sister.
Finally, she leads me to her—now our—bedroom. It is much larger than Ceres's, and the bed is clearly intended for two people. I feel sick but manage to keep my face calm.
"And when the baby comes, we can have a crib in here as well," Elara says.
"Thank you." It comes out flat, unfeeling.
Elara stares at me for a long moment. "Aren't you happy about this? About being here instead of that hovel of a wopung?"
I swallow the lump in my throat. "I'm grateful."
She is silent as she considers this. "Perhaps that is enough for now," she says finally.
◊ ◊ ◊
Elara leaves for work soon after that—she says she spends most every night at the yez. I check on Ceres, but she is already fast asleep, cocooned in bundles of blankets and sheets. She sleeps with one hand curled tightly into a fist by her head, and I have a flash of a memory of her as a baby, small and innocent in her nightdress, sucking on a bottle as she fell asleep. I cross her room softly and press my hand to the soft spot on her temple. I hope she can sleep free of nightmares tonight, that she can have just one night of reprieve.
I head into Elara's bedroom and lie down, curled up on one side, my body cradling the baby. The sheets smell like soap and unfamiliar perfume. I cry until I drift off to sleep.
◊ ◊ ◊
Four weeks pass by in this manner. I don’t speak to Shale, but his memories don’t recede. They are embedded in my skin, in my brain, permanent splinters.
Ceres and I are taken to the doctor, given pills and vitamins and regular check-ups so we are as healthy as we can be, under the circumstances. I am reminded of farm animals, kept in optimal condition, given what they need for their emotional and physical development because they serve a purpose to their owners.
But in spite of my resentment, in spite of the hole that yawns open in my chest with every breath I take, I have to admit there are some things that make me smile. One is watching Ceres begin to awaken. I am sure she misses Shale too, though she won’t speak of it. Still, her time in the sun, her friends at the school, and her sessions with Dr. Phoebe all serve as a salve for the years of torture she endured in the Asylum. She even begins to bond with Elara, who, I find, has an easy friendship with her. Ceres brings out a child-like side to her that I imagine only ever came out when she was around her daughter. And in Ceres’s eyes, I see a gratitude that I am surprised to find. She is thankful that Elara chose us, and, therefore, chose her. It is the first time anyone besides Shale or I have ever done so.