Quick! Who’s the best manager you’ve ever worked for? Picture him or her in your mind. Now ask yourself: What made you pick this person?
OK, now: Who was the worst manager you’ve ever had? Do the same thing: visualize working for this person while thinking about what made them so horrible.
I can’t guarantee it, but if I had to guess, based on my own experience, one of the key differences between these two people was that the good manager actually listened to you, while the bad one didn’t.
Am I right?
When you interacted with the good manager, how did he or she make you feel? Valued? Validated? Respected? Trusted? Confident? Engaged? Empowered? Effective? Smart? Successful?
And how did the bad manager make you feel most of the time? Most likely the exact opposite.
So if you are a manager—or even if you’re not—look yourself in the mirror and answer this question honestly: Are you a good listener?
More importantly, if you were to ask other people that same question, what do you think they would (honestly) say?
If you’re interested in becoming a better manager—and a more effective leader—you might find it valuable to reflect on how, how often, and how well you listen.
When we do 360-degree feedback evaluations, “Listening” is very often one of the categories that most managers rate themselves the highest in…while others around them rate them the lowest. In other words, we tend to find the biggest gap…between the ears.
For example, there was a manager who insisted that he was a tremendous listener and, as such, he was completely shocked to receive feedback to the contrary. Upon digging deeper, it turned out that he was, in fact, an exceptional listener—when he actually listened…which…as it turned out, was very rarely. In other words, if you were somehow able to capture and hold his attention, he hung on your every word, listened with empathy, remembered everything you said, and really made you feel understood. The problem was, he only did that with certain people, and not very often. Most of the time it was all about him.
Good Leaders Learn How to Listen
Early in my career, I temped in the PR department of one of the major Hollywood studios. Let’s call them…um…“Disney”…since it was. Despite the excitement of working on a studio lot, the job itself was mind-numbingly boring, consisting mostly of answering phones, taking messages, and making copies. If you’ve ever temped, you know what it’s like to sit there all day long, watching the minutes drag by, while your brain slowly turns to mush. Especially if you aspire to do something a little more creative and stimulating with your life.
One afternoon, one of the department managers came running out of her office, frantically looking for a PR rep to proofread and edit an urgent press release that needed to go out.
Finding the entire office empty, she barked at me: “Where the hell is everybody?” I told her that they were all out to lunch, but that I’d be more than happy to take a crack at proofing the press release. Without even looking at me, she snarled: “What are you talking about? You can’t do this—you’re just a temp!”
Even after I told her that I had a bachelor’s degree in English, a master’s degree in communication, and a year of experience working for a top New York ad agency, she didn’t have any interest at all in anything I had to say. She just tossed the press release draft on my desk, told me to give it to the first PR rep I saw, and dashed out to a meeting.
While eating my lunch, I decided to read the draft and she was right: it was a mess. It contained all the necessary information, but it was badly written, poorly structured, and filled with numerous grammatical and spelling errors. So, with nothing else to do, and so as to alleviate my boredom, I took it upon myself to rewrite it…just as an exercise.
When one of the PR reps finally got back, I explained the urgent situation to him and gave him both the original copy and my revised version—without telling him I was the one who wrote it. His response regarding my revision: “This looks fine—what’s the problem? Just send it out!” So they sent my version out to print…without making a single edit. And no one ever knew, or asked, who did it.
This department was always shorthanded, overworked, and in need of help. And I was right there in front of them, ready, willing, and able. I tried numerous times to bring this to their attention, but my offers to take on larger responsibilities went unheard, as no one was willing to listen to me. I was just “Todd the Temp.”
But all’s well that ends well, as two weeks later I was hired—full-time—by Disney to work as an assistant to a comedy writer/producer. On my first day on the job, I asked him what made him hire me over three other candidates who seemed to have stronger résumés. His response: “During the interview, you asked a lot of really good questions. And no one else did. It showed me you were thinking. I need the person who works for me to know how to listen.”
So, it was asking and listening, not talking and telling, that got me the job.
And I soon discovered, working for him, that having a manager who was willing to listen to me made all the difference in the world.
The simple lesson: To be a better leader—as well as a better human being—be a better listener.
8 Quick Tips for Becoming a Better Listener: L-I-S-T-E-N-U-P!
Look at the person: Make eye contact. Pay attention to facial expressions, body language, and tone of voice. There’s an old saying that we have two ears and one mouth, so we should spend twice as much time listening as talking. As Peter Drucker famously stated, “The most important thing in communication is to hear what isn’t being said.” And that can only happen if we make the time, and take the time, to truly stop, look, and listen.
Inquire: Ask questions. Ask follow-up questions. Delve deeper. Seek examples. Use paraphrasing and summary clarification to validate understanding. When someone asks you a question, don’t just answer the question—care enough to answer the question behind the question. And when you listen to the response, actively listen to gain true understanding…rather than just selectively listening or listening to respond.
Show that you’re interested: When someone is talking to you, it’s important to physically demonstrate that you value the speaker—as well as what’s being spoken. Put yourself in their shoes, try to see things from their point of view, and listen with empathy and compassion. Engage them in dialogue to make them feel like they’re the most important person in the room. But it must be done genuinely and sincerely, or it doesn’t count. People can see right through you when you’re faking it.
Treat the person with respect: Even if you disagree with what they’re saying, and you may not even like the person, show respect for their viewpoint and express appreciation for their candor and their contributions. If you disagree, use cushioning to disagree agreeably. Seek to connect with them on a human level, and on an equal level—person-to-person—regardless of title, status, or position, even if you are more senior, more knowledgeable, or more experienced. If you treat them with dignity and respect, you will earn their trust and respect in return. And that will open up the lines of communication even further.
Encourage the other person: Engage them in dialogue and empower them to speak their mind without hesitancy, self-censorship, or fear of retribution. Create an environment of dialogue, exchange, interaction, openness, honesty, self-disclosure, vulnerability, and trust. In other words, create a climate of what’s now commonly known as “psychological safety” (thanks to Amy Edmondson of Harvard). Make a little extra effort when communicating with an introvert, as it may take a little more to get them to open up.
Never make someone regret that they opened up to you: Once you lose someone’s trust and damage or destroy the relationship, it’s almost impossible to get it back. Allow the other person to be vulnerable, and be willing to display your vulnerability as well. Maintain confidences and confidentiality. Don’t gossip or talk behind anyone’s back. And follow the “Vegas Rule”: What’s said here, stays here.
Understanding is your primary objective: It’s not enough to simply hear the words being said; you must get at the meaning and the intent of those words. Listen not only with your ears, but with your eyes, your brain, your head, and your heart. When listening, it’s not about you; it’s about the other person. So, listen with empathy, compassion, and caring.
Put your smartphone down: This might be our biggest obstacle to meaningful listening in this day and age. We’re so busy with our devices that we often ignore the person (or people) right in front of us. Ask yourself: Is the person on the other end of your device more important than the person (or people) right there in the room with you? If not, put the phone down. Seriously, put it down. Face down. Or in a pocket or drawer or briefcase. Be present. Be focused. Be here now. And give the person speaking to you your undivided attention. And make eye contact. Isn’t that what you would want? We know that it is.
In closing, many managers feel and act as if their job is to do all of the talking and to have all of the answers. But the best leaders know that they don’t. They know that wisdom comes not from answering questions, but from questioning answers. And they recognize the value and power of leveraging the collective brainpower of the diverse talent around them—and this can only happen if and when we make the time, and take the time, to listen.
Steve Jobs said that we shouldn’t hire smart people only to tell them what to do; we should hire smart people so that they can tell us what to do.
So, for a leader, listening requires self-awareness, time, effort, vulnerability, and courage.
As Winston Churchill so eloquently put it: “Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen.”
In Review
The Big Lesson: The best leaders know how to be good listeners.
The Big Question: How good a listener are you…and why? How do you think others would answer that question about you…and why? And what can you do to become an even better listener?
Your Big Insight:
Your Big Action: